A Daughter's Disgrace (14 page)

‘Alison,’ said her mother finally, ‘what’s that?’

‘What’s what?’

‘That. That bump. The bump in your belly.’

‘I’ve got a touch of indigestion.’

‘Indigestion? You haven’t eaten enough to feed a fly. Indigestion my arse.’

Jill gasped, not fully realising what was going on. Then she moved from the window and saw what the fuss was about. ‘Alison? What’s this?’

‘I’ve got an upset tummy, it’s nothing.’ Alison said, closing her eyes against the look on her mother’s face.

‘It’s not nothing.’ Cora’s voice rose sharply. ‘I know exactly what that is. Do you think I’m stupid, my girl? Do you think I don’t know a fallen woman when I see one? A filthy little tart? That’s what you are, a filthy little tart. My own daughter. Gone and got herself a bun in the oven and never so much as a word about it. So what have you got to say for yourself now your secret’s out, eh? What’s your excuse?’

Alison said nothing, desperately willing her mother to stop, but she continued her tirade.

‘How did you manage that? You actually managed to get a man to come near you? Was he blind? Who is it? Is he going to make an honest woman of you?’

Tears fell down Alison’s face but still she said nothing. There was nothing to say. All Cora’s ranting and raving wouldn’t change anything.

‘Answer me, you little trollop!’ Cora swung her daughter around to face her. ‘Who’s done this? Who’ve you let do this? Who does he think he is? Who do you think you are, ruining our family’s good name?’

‘Now, Cora, I’m sure Alison can explain,’ said Jill, horrified at the way her friend had changed. The lively, chirpy neighbour had become a screaming monster who she barely recognised. No wonder the girl was petrified.

Cora ignored her. ‘When I think of all I’ve done for you! You’ve never been anything but a burden and yet I’ve fed you and clothed you and given you a roof over your head. You’ve wanted for nothing and this is how you repay me. Well, you needn’t think you’re bringing a baby into my house. You’re a disgrace, to me and your dear late father and your sisters. You’ve let us all down. You’re an ungrateful little strumpet and you’ve no one to blame but yourself.’

Alison stood stock-still, waiting for her mother to finish. She couldn’t go on forever, she’d have to draw breath at some point. But just when she thought things could get no worse, the front door opened.

‘What’s going on, Mum? I could hear you yelling from outside,’ said Hazel, red-faced from running back from the café so she could check on how the dress was coming on. She was greeted by the sight of her beanpole sister standing in the middle of the room, barelegged, her taffeta frock halfway over her body, tears running down her face. On one side was Jill, her hands up to her face with an expression of horror. On the other was her mother, hair and eyes wild, looking fit to kill.

‘Hazel.’ Jill took a deep breath. ‘We weren’t expecting you so soon. Let me just say …’

‘She’s pregnant,’ yelled Cora, stabbing a finger at Alison. ‘Yes, you heard. Your gormless little sister has disgraced herself and brought shame to us all. I wish I didn’t have to tell you, Hazel, but it’s true. Look at her.’ Alison cowered at her mother’s sharp glance.

For a moment Hazel just stood frozen, but then her face infused with colour. She strode across the room in two steps and slapped her sister hard across the face.

‘You little bitch. You’ve done this deliberately, haven’t you? You’ve done it to ruin my wedding because you’re jealous.’

‘I’m not jealous, and I didn’t get pregnant deliberately. I … I was … ,’ Alison cried, sobs racking her body as she broke down, unable to go on.

‘Whose is it?’ demanded Hazel, gimlet eyes trained on her sister. ‘Who would possibly want to do it with you? Tell me his name and I’ll bloody kill him.’ She grabbed her roughly by the arm.

‘It won’t do you any good,’ Alison wept. ‘He’s gone. He doesn’t even know. His family disappeared and I’ve heard nothing since.’

‘Oh no.’ It dawned on Cora who she meant. ‘Not those good-for-nothing gamblers? Not the Lannings? You let one of them … you’re carrying a child from that bad lot … How could you? How could you do this to your family?’

With a loud cry Alison wrenched the bridesmaid dress off, scattering pins all over the floor. There was the sound of tearing fabric but nobody tried to save it. She then threw on her skirt and shirt before fleeing out of the front door.

‘And don’t come back!’ Cora cried after her. ‘Don’t you dare think you can show your face round here! You’re nothing but a tart and a slapper and you’ve disgraced us all!’

Jill Parrot stood by her kitchen counter, waiting for the kettle to boil. She was in shock, unable to take in what had just happened. She tried to make excuses for Cora, although she was horrified at the behaviour of the woman she’d begun to think of as a friend. She hoped she’d have reacted differently if Kathy, God forbid, found herself in such a position. Then Hazel had hit her sister. She would never have believed it if she hadn’t seen it. But she had to make allowances. They were both upset and obviously neither had had the slightest idea beforehand.

What would Neville do now? He’d have to be told. Would he feel tainted, marrying into a family that had been disgraced? She didn’t know what to advise him. People would be bound to talk when they found out and everyone associated with Alison would be under scrutiny. Then again, he wasn’t marrying Alison, he was marrying Hazel, and he loved her. It shouldn’t matter what her sister had done, but she knew not everybody would see it like that. It was bound to affect them.

As for the lovely dress … she knew it was the least of their worries but when she’d heard that fabric tearing part of her had wanted to cry too. She’d spent so long carefully cutting it to Alison’s unusual size, and had looked forward to seeing how it fitted the girl. She’d wanted to make her something special, something she realised her mother and sister never did. Now there would be no need. She wondered if she should feel angry at her, for doing this damage to them all, but couldn’t find it in her heart to do so. She felt deeply sorry for her.

Cora came through into the kitchen. ‘I’m sorry, Jill, I really am. All your hard work on that lovely frock. Well, she won’t be wearing it now.’ She shook her head. ‘You could have knocked me down with a feather. Alison of all people. I never thought she had it in her. Never so much as whispered anything about a boyfriend. Now it turns out he’s done a runner. Can’t say I blame him.’

Jill sighed. ‘Cup of tea? And would Hazel like one?’

‘No, that’s kind of you, but I won’t,’ said Cora. ‘Hazel’s already gone so she can see Neville between shifts. She’d rather he heard it from her than anywhere else. I better get home. I got some thinking to do.’

‘Well, if you’re sure, Cora.’ Jill was slightly relieved to be rid of the woman when she was in this mood.

Cora almost ran across the street, not trusting herself to say another word. She was beyond anger. To think that one of her daughters could have stooped so low. Never in all their years of poverty had she let them do anything shameful. Money couldn’t buy you a good name. They had been brought up to know right from wrong and how they should behave. Perhaps she hadn’t drummed into Alison hard enough what she should and shouldn’t do where boys were concerned as she’d found it hard to imagine the need would arise. Linda and Hazel had always had boyfriends and yet neither of them had got into trouble – they were very strict, never risking their reputations. Now Alison had brought ruin to their door. Their name would be muck.

Cora hardened her heart. If Hazel’s happiness was at stake then she wouldn’t let Alison wreck it. The girl had made her own bed and would have to lie on it. Clearly she thought she was big enough to make her own decisions. Well, now she’d have to learn to live with the consequences. Her youngest daughter wouldn’t be getting any help from her.

Alison found herself retracing her steps down to the river, where she had wandered after the row with Fred. That seemed like ages ago. That was when she’d come up with the stupid idea to make herself ill to try to lose the baby. A fat lot of good that had done. She knew that she was stuck with it. Now that the truth was out, she had to face the facts. She was having a baby, her family had thrown her out and she was on her own.

The sun shone brightly and seemed to mock her. Now and again she saw people wandering along, most likely on their way to Battersea Park. There were couples holding hands, or young families, parents taking care of their small children. She couldn’t ever remember Cora showing such tenderness to her. She’d been a nuisance from the start. She’d never been wanted by anyone except Linda. Fred said she was learning the job well but he could always get another assistant. People like Mrs Shawcross or Vera were kind but they’d be like that to everyone. She wasn’t special, she had never been number one to anybody. As for Paul, she suddered. He had raped her!

So it was just her and the baby she didn’t want, the creature she’d tried to get rid of, but not very well. Who would care if both of them lived or died? Would anybody miss them? The more she thought about it, the more the answer seemed clear. No.

Her thoughts turned to stories she’d read in the papers. People threw themselves under trains. She recalled Hazel coming back from somewhere, when she and Neville had just started courting, and they’d been delayed by an accident: a person under a train. At the time she couldn’t imagine how someone could hate the world so much they’d want to end it all. Now she knew how they felt.

Would she be able to do it? There was no shortage of train tracks around Battersea. They snaked along the river and up to Clapham Junction and beyond. She could pick one. There must be one that was easy to get to – from a bridge or a siding. They were busy all day and into the night with constant traffic. It wouldn’t take long to find somewhere.

It would be easier if she had a drop of gin first. She’d hated the taste but it had made sitting in the boiling hot bath or the pathetic attempt to fall downstairs just about bearable. That would be hard as she’d run off without her handbag or coat, so she had no money. If she’d been Vera she could have been bold and walked into a pub and sat at the bar until a man offered to buy her a drink. She didn’t have the nerve to try it though.

Maybe she’d be able to slip a bottle into her bag if she went into a busy shop. Late Saturday afternoon, there would be lots of shoppers about and she might get away with it. But what if she got caught? Then she’d have the shame of being arrested on top of the pregnancy. That would be all over Battersea in two minutes flat. All those men from the factory and boys who used to tease her would snigger and say told you so. Look at her, she was bound to come to a bad end.

She walked further, not really paying attention to where she was going, the river on her left, the sun behind her. She realised she was hurting all over from her useless leap from the stairs. Ahead were some benches and she sank gratefully down on one before realising where she was. It was the churchyard at St Mary’s. The pointed tower reached high above the columns of its porch, and the clock showed half past five. She’d been wandering around for nearly three hours. No wonder her feet felt like they were on fire – she’d only just registered that but it hardly mattered.

She stood up again and gazed over the low wall to the river. She could see the north bank clearly today. Red buses were going along the embankment. Their passengers would be going home from shopping or heading off for a Saturday night out. They’d be looking forward to showing off what they’d bought or meeting up with family and friends. It felt like a world away.

Beneath her the river churned, blue and grey, bits of wood floating along in the current. She wondered if that was what the sea looked like. She’d never seen it. Trips to the seaside were for other families, not hers. She never would see it now. There was no future for her or this creature she carried inside her.

Nobody was around. The passengers on the north bank wouldn’t be able to see her clearly and if they could, they wouldn’t be able to do anything in time. She braced her hands on the top of the wall and found it was quite solid. She scrambled up and it was surprisingly easy. Balancing on the top she looked up at the sun. No more sitting out in the sunshine for her. No more anything. She was as worthless as everyone had always said and they’d all be better off without her. They’d be glad. No more horse face, no long streak of misery, no unwanted burden. She didn’t need gin now to soften the blow. Her mind was made up. This was it. Taking a deep breath, she gathered her courage to jump.

‘Alison!’ said a voice. ‘What the hell are you doing?’

‘Right, lads, one hour’s break and those of you who are signed up for the late shift come back after that,’ said Frank Dalby, the foreman. ‘My Marian’s done a ginger cake for your tea break later so no skiving off tonight.’

‘Time for a swift half in between shifts, Nev?’ asked Dennis. ‘I’m goin’ for a quick one before getting ready for a big night out.’

Neville hesitated. He was tempted, and it was Saturday after all, but he wasn’t as quick with the machinery after a drink. A half would be all right but he knew from past experience they’d buy him another, and then he’d come back and make mistakes. So far he’d got away with it but he knew Frank had his suspicions. He didn’t want to lose his overtime.

‘Go on, Nev, just a quick one round the corner won’t hurt.’ Bill nudged him. ‘I’m coming back for the late shift as well so I won’t let them get you drunk. Let your hair down a bit, why don’t yer.’

As they made their way out into the yard Neville could make out the silhouette of someone waiting at the gates. Before he could say anything Nobby was laughing.

‘Look who it is. Someone’s come to pick you up, Nev, to make sure you don’t go off enjoying yourself.’

‘Leave it out, Nobby,’ growled Neville. He wondered what was up. If Hazel had come to the factory then there must be something wrong. He hoped his parents hadn’t been taken ill.

‘Tell her she’ll have to wait as you’re gonna go down the pub with your mates,’ said Nobby. ‘You don’t want to miss out on your one bit of enjoyment for the weekend. She can see you any time.’

Hazel was waving frantically.

‘I’d better see what she wants,’ said Neville. ‘Sorry, I’ll have that half another time.’

‘Ooh, look at him, under the thumb already and not even married,’ jeered Nobby. ‘Gawd knows what he’ll be like once he’s tied the knot. You run along now and keep the little lady company. Don’t mind us.’

Bill shrugged into his jacket and glanced at his colleague. ‘Stop giving him grief and come down the pub. I’m in a hurry even if you aren’t.’

Sullenly Nobby turned away. He didn’t hold with the way Neville was always at his girlfriend’s beck and call, even if she was a stunner. She should be taught her place and he wondered if Neville would ever be up for doing that.

‘Hazel, what’s the matter?’ Neville said, taking one look at her expression. ‘It’s not Mum, is it? Or Dad? Is everyone all right?’

‘No, we bloody aren’t all right,’ she hissed, catching hold of his arm. ‘Your mum and dad are fine, Neville. Don’t get all het up about them. But wait till I tell you what we’ve just found out.’

‘What? Don’t keep me guessing if it’s really bad.’

‘Not here,’ she said. ‘Wait till we’re out of everyone’s hearing. Then I’ll explain.’ Her jaw was set with fury as she drew him down the street before she gave him the news.

Alison nearly fell off the wall. She hadn’t heard anyone approaching and in her state of anxiety the shock was enough to make her stumble badly. Fred immediately jumped forward and took her arms, steadying her.

‘Get down here,’ he said gruffly. He didn’t know what to say. He’d been convinced she was about to throw herself into the water. He was shaking, realising he’d got to her just in time. Now he had to persuade her to come back to the church path where it was safe. ‘It’s not a long way down, look, I’ll help you.’

‘No, no.’ Alison was shaking even more. She’d been so determined to jump, to put an end to it all. How could she get rid of Fred? She didn’t know if she could be so brave again. It was now or never. She had to do it, there was nothing left for her to live for. ‘Leave me alone,’ she whimpered. ‘Let me do what I’ve got to do. It’s the only way. Go home, leave me alone.’

‘I won’t do that, Alison.’ Fred drew himself up to his full height. ‘I don’t know what you think you’re doing up there but it’s not right. You could fall and hurt yourself. I can’t let you do that. Come back down here before there’s an accident. Look, step here, on this big stone.’ He tried to keep his voice calm but he felt panic begin to rise. What if she slipped? She was far too tall for him to lift down by force. He glanced around to see if there was anyone nearby to help but there wasn’t.

‘No, Fred, I’ve got to do this,’ she cried. ‘Let me go. I don’t want you to stop me. It’s for the best, really it is. You have to believe me. Nobody will miss me and it’s better all round without me. Go away.’

Fred wanted to cry himself but knew that would be the worst thing to do. ‘I’ll miss you, Alison.’ He tried to make her laugh. ‘I don’t want to train another assistant to cut up kidneys. What if they keep being sick? What’ll I do then? Who will talk to Winnie Jewell?’

It didn’t work. Alison stared at him as if he was mad then tried to twist away, but couldn’t free herself from his grip. She lost her footing and fell, not into the water but off the wall onto the path, landing on the ground and pulling Fred over as well. Sobbing, she tried to get away, but now he was on the same level he caught hold of her and wouldn’t let go. He was stronger than she’d thought. Slowly she felt the fight ebb out of her. All her resolution of a few moments ago drained away and she collapsed weeping on the ground.

Once he was sure she wasn’t going to do a runner, Fred dragged himself into a sitting position. He gently patted her shoulder. ‘Come on, get up,’ he said. ‘You can’t stay down there. You’ll get your shirt all filthy.’

‘I don’t care,’ she sobbed. ‘What does it matter how I look or what I do? Nobody gives a toss whether I live or die. I want to die. I was going to jump just then. Why didn’t you let me get on with it?’

‘You’re young, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you,’ he said seriously. ‘You can’t leap into the river when you’re only seventeen. I don’t mind what you’ve done to get to this state, I don’t want to see you die. Come on, I’ll take you home.’

‘I can’t go home.’ Alison gave another racking sob. ‘They’ve found out I’m having a baby and thrown me out. I don’t want to see them again anyway. They hate me, always have. I’d rather be dead than live under their roof again.’

Fred sighed. He supposed they were bound to react like that though he’d hoped for better from Cora. It would be down to the shock of it. ‘They don’t mean it. They’ll be worried where you are. They’ll be a bit surprised by the news, that’s all. Look, I’ll come with you, help explain.’

Alison laughed bitterly. ‘They won’t be worried, or at least not about me. All they can think of is I’ve ruined their reputation and it’ll spoil the wedding. I tried to tell them … what happened …’ She burst into more tears. ‘It’s not what they think. I didn’t want this, I didn’t have a choice, he forced me and hurt me badly too. They wouldn’t believe me anyway so what’s the point? They won’t believe you either. They think I’ve disgraced them on purpose and they’ll never forgive that.’

Fred’s heart went out to her, this poor strange girl with her awkward ways and shabby clothes. He pulled her to him and began to rock her, trying to stop her crying. ‘Listen, it’ll be all right. You can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment but things will settle down. They won’t stay angry forever.’ His mind went back to a rainy day at the beginning of March. He’d wondered then what had gone on, especially when she’d shown up with a bruised face after the weekend. Now he blamed himself for not trusting his instincts. He’d known something was badly wrong then but hadn’t wanted to pry. If he’d followed his gut feeling, everything might have been different. She was only a girl; he was meant to be a man of the world, and if anyone was to blame then it was him.

Fred took a deep breath, and knowing that he had to somehow bring back a sense of normality, he said, ‘Now come on. What you need is a cup of tea. I tell you what we’ll do. You’ll wipe your face and give me a smile. Then we’ll go back to the shop and have a drop of tea and a slice of cake. Things will look brighter by then. You can have a bit of a sit-down upstairs if you like. Listen to the radio for a while. Give everyone time to calm down.’

Gradually the sobs grew quieter and she was still. ‘All right,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘I’ll come back to the shop. But I’m not going home. They won’t want me and I don’t want them.’

‘We’ll see,’ said Fred, certain that her family couldn’t be so cruel as to refuse her in her hour of need. ‘You don’t have to decide anything now. Just come with me. There you are, up we get. Stretch your legs. Now hold on to me.’

He offered her his arm and she gave a small smile. ‘I’m too tall, Fred. It’ll look strange.’

‘No, you’re exactly right as you are, it’s me who’s too short,’ he said. ‘We don’t care what anyone thinks, do we? Let them think what they like. Good luck to them.’ He started to lead her out of the churchyard, back along the winding old streets to the bottom of Falcon Road.

Alison suddenly felt so tired she could hardly walk. Everything seemed unreal. She was meant to be dead by now, but here she was, walking through the twisting narrow streets in the early evening sunshine, holding on to her boss’s arm. The bump was still there and she still hurt all over from throwing herself downstairs. This couldn’t be happening. Fred was acting like this was all part of a normal day, rescuing his assistant from killing herself and inviting her back for tea and cake. Whatever was he thinking really? She’d worry about that later. Now she had to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, so that she wouldn’t collapse to the ground.

Fred guided her along, ignoring the suspicious glances some people threw their way, deliberately not reacting when one or two of them nudged their companions. He supposed they would look odd, her so tall and him so short and stocky. It didn’t matter. All he cared about was that Alison hadn’t jumped into the Thames and killed herself and the baby she carried.

‘Here we are.’ He unlocked the door beside the one to the shop. ‘We’ll go straight up to the flat. It’s more comfortable there. If we go into the shop someone might see the light on and think we’re still open. You need a good rest, that’s what.’

He led the way up a steep flight of stairs and she wearily followed. At the top was a corridor and she turned into a room that must have been directly above the shop itself. It was a large living room with two big windows, letting in all the sunshine. She registered that it looked nothing like their living room at home, but didn’t have the energy to work out what was different. There was a big sofa, that was what mattered. She sank onto it and before she knew it she had escaped into sleep.

‘Well, how did he take it?’ Cora demanded as soon as Hazel came in. ‘He hasn’t called it all off, has he?’

Hazel shook her head despondently. ‘No, he wouldn’t do that. He’s sad for me of course. Doesn’t want it to ruin our big day. Anyway I’m glad he heard it from me. Some of those men he works with are right old women when it comes to gossip. He was going down the pub with them between shifts when I met him and one or two were giving me filthy looks. I don’t want them casting aspersions about us, I’ll have a right go at them if I need to.’ She looked around. ‘Any sign of that little tart? Has she dared to show her face?’

‘I should think not,’ snapped Cora. ‘I ain’t havin’ her in this place again, dragging us all down to her level. I don’t know where she’s gone but she can stay there, wherever it is.’

‘Good riddance.’ Hazel was relieved, thinking that her mother might have softened. She certainly didn’t want Alison back in the house, taking up more and more room as her pregnancy progressed, with all and sundry able to see for themselves what state she was in.

‘We’d better let Linda know what’s going on,’ Cora went on. ‘She mustn’t hear it from anyone else either. Heaven knows what she’ll have to say about it. She’s always had a soft spot for your sister but this will make the scales fall from her eyes. It’ll be a horrible shock for her, poor love. She was always so strict with Terry when they were courting, she won’t be able to imagine what her sister was thinking. And Alison was living here while she was carrying on with that useless little toe-rag. The nerve, the bloody nerve.’

‘Maybe Linda will ask Alison to live with her,’ Hazel suggested. That at least would keep her out of harm’s way.

Cora bristled. ‘I wouldn’t have thought so. She won’t want her new friends to see the sort of trouble she’s left behind. Not when she’s worked so hard to better herself. I won’t be suggesting it and don’t you do so either. I’m going to give myself a day to calm down before I write to her as I don’t trust myself to think straight when I’m this het up.’

Hazel pulled a face. ‘Don’t you think she’d want to help her out?’

‘She’d love to help if she could I’m sure,’ said Cora, ‘but it’s a terrible idea. We don’t want June seeing such a shocking example. Bad enough to know it goes on but in her own family! No, she can’t have that. The trollop will have to make her own arrangements and that’s all there is to it.’