She's Out of Control

Praise for

she's out of control

by Kristin Billerbeck

“If you've prayed
Please God, give me books that are fun, romantic, feminine, and intelligent,
then meet Kristin Billerbeck, the answer to your prayers.
She's Out of Control
is a speed walk into the colorful mind of a modern yet spiritually striving woman, Ashley Stockingdale, who is quirky, love-hungry, and yet ever well dressed—resorting to eBay only when necessary. If you haven't sampled the new chick lit to hit the Christian book market, meet its queen—Billerbeck is top drawer!”

—PATRICIA HICKMAN,
award-winning author of
Fallen Angels
and
Nazareth's Song

“It's
I Am Woman
meets
Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend
in this quirky, hilarious account of life on the single side.”

—LINDA WINDSOR,
award-winning author of
Along Came Jones

“Kristin Billerbeck's perceptive and humorous look at the struggles of Christian singles packs more punch than a double espresso.”

—SHARON DUNN,
author of
Romance Rustlers
and
Thunderbird Thieves

“I laughed out loud at the further antics of Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale. No one can write chick lit like Kristin Billerbeck.
She's Out of Control
builds on Billerbeck's superb in-character voice and establishes her firmly at the pinnacle of the genre. What
this
girl wants is the control to keep them coming.”

—COLLEEN COBLE,
author of
Without a Trace,
a 2004 RITA finalist

“Here's a writer who definitely gets chick lit!
She's Out of Control
is smart and witty and downright funny. Her characters are realistic without taking themselves too seriously. A delicious read for bed, bath, or beach. Can't wait for the next one!”

—MELODY CARLSON,
award winning author of
Finding Alice, Armando's Treasure,
Diary of a Teenage Girl,
and
Crystal Lies

“Bravo!
She's Out of Control
made me want to take my phone off the hook, lock the doors, pull the blinds and read straight through to the end. Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale is unabashedly real, lovably quirky, and laugh-out-loud funny. Kristin Billerbeck is THE new voice in Christian fiction!”

—DENISE HUNTER,
author of
Mending Places

“I'm not sure how she does it, but Billerbeck has the amazing ability to make me laugh out loud while inspiring me to consider my deepest motivations. All that, and I now have a whole new wardrobe of cute clothes! Her books just keep getting better.”

—HANNAH ALEXANDER,
author of
Hideaway and Safe Haven

“Wild. Delightful. Laugh-out-loud funny. From the moment Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale opens her mouth, I was hooked. I can't find enough words to praise Kristin Billerbeck's newest novel,
She's Out Of Control.
This story of faith, love, and control is an absolute must-read. I didn't want it to end.”

—GAIL GAYMER MARTIN,
author of
The Christmas Kite

“Kristin Billerbeck provides a fun ride and a read that grabs you in the spiritual gut when you least expect it.”

—JANET CHESTER BLY,
author of
Hope Lives

“. . . deep truth embedded in milk chocolate.”

—TRACEY BATEMAN,
author of
Finding Audrey

© 2004 by Kristin Billerbeck

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [email protected].

Publisher's note: This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or used fictitiously. All characters are fictional, and any similarity to people living or dead is purely coincidental.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Billerbeck, Kristin.

She's out of control / Kristin Billerbeck.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-0-8499-4459-8 (pbk.)

ISBN: 978-1-59554-334-9 (repak)

I. Title PS3602.I44S54 2004

813'.54—dc22

2004005496

Printed in the United States of America

07 08 09 10  RRD  5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated to the fabulous women in my life who inspired me and reined me in when I needed it:

My mother, Kay Compani. (Poor thing, she never saw me coming.) All the sweet parts of my characters? That's my mom's influence.

My grandmother Jo Bechtel, my biggest cheerleader, who has since been forgiven for soap in the mouth. She tried to make me domestic, but then she couldn't know that take-out would someday get healthy in Silicon Valley.

My nana, Marie Compani, who indulged my pink side and gave me a different take on life. Tottering around in your high heels and trying on your jewelry was prophetic.

Colleen Coble, who mothers me every day and tries to knock some sense into my hard head.

And to my mothers who have gone ahead:

My Aunt Mary Bechtel, who was a chick to the end. From the Raggedy Ann dress you made me, to indulging Elle in her first swimsuit and matching cover-up. Your generosity will never be forgotten and your legacy lives on in us.

My mother-in-law, Ellen Billerbeck, who made writing possible with her sacrificial love for my family. I had so many questions yet. The way you handled utter chaos with ease will always be what I strive for.

My spiritual mom, Mary Lyons, the quintessential Proverbs 31 woman. Your influence on me and your love for your husband will forever inspire me to be a better wife.

Contents

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1

How do I?

By ASHLEY WILKES STOCKINGDALE

How do I avoid commitment: Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth except when buying jewelry is involved.

I love thee in the daylight,

as long as my place of residence is not invaded by night.

(Nor any semblance of your grooming materials.)

I love thee freely, except when the guys are watching.

I love thee with all the passion of an engineer.

With my old girlfriends, I avoided the moment of Truth,

But with you, dear Ashley, I may not escape my fate.

And if God so choose, may I go to the Altar with strength—as Isaac did.

I
swear this is how some men view marriage, like they're being laid out on the wood of the great Altar, ready to be sacrificed, and just praying the ram will arrive in time. I, Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale, have been dating Seth Greenwood for nine months. And while God can form a new human being in that same time frame, getting an adult male to the jewelry store is an entirely different kettle of fish.

I have a theory on commitment, and being a patent attorney, I'm considering getting the lock on it. I've always wanted to write a book where I state the incredibly obvious and people flock to the bookstore as though I am some psychological genius. Kind of like
Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus
. Here's my first attempt:

Steps Toward Getting a Male to Commit.

First, you must conquer “Whiplash.” Whiplash is when your boyfriend thinks every woman in the vicinity might be potentially better for him. This involves several quick neck sprains while he looks until he eventually come to the conclusion that no, there's a reason he picked you. Allow about six months for this stage.

Then you enter the “Accommodation” phase. This is where Boyfriend discovers that, yes, you are the best one for him at the moment, but maybe God is calling him to a life of foreign mission work instead. He probably can't take you along on his great and deeply sacrificial ministry, so he accommodates you with the theory that some big life change will happen and let him off the hook. Two months for this stage.

You have now entered “Jeopardy.” Now Boyfriend must fish or cut bait, and the real pressure begins. You watch him writhe like a trout on a hook, knowing you have the power to release him, but is that the best thing? As you watch the struggle, you begin to wonder, Do I even want to get married enough to strip this guy of his . . . his, heck, I don't know what I'm stripping him of, but it must be important if it's worth all this squirming.

So as it stands, Seth and I are in the Jeopardy phase. He's afraid to be alone with me, afraid I might pressure him to ask “the” question. The romance is gone. Only fear remains, and what's the fun of that? I've almost forgotten why we started dating in the first place. I remember knowing, at the time, that it was God's will for my life. Now I know it was probably God's will because I had some great life lesson to learn. I hope it's learned by now. I don't want to go through this again.

My best friend Brea is reading my first attempt at poetry now,
How Do I . . . ?
Brea is married. She adopted a baby and
poof !
she has another one in her tummy. Being Brea's best friend is truly impossible because she lives a charmed life. It's like little fairies drop rose petals alongside each of her steps.

Brea looks up at me from my poem. “What are you planning to do with this . . . this
poetry
, and I use the term loosely?” Brea waves the paper around. Her little baby Miles grabs it and gums the edges of it. “‘How Do I Avoid Commitment?' Ash! Kinda pathetic. If this is how you feel, I think it's time you just broke things off.”

Okay, not the reaction I was expecting.
“What do you mean, pathetic? I think it's a deep and truthful allegory about Christian men and commitment.”

“Um, if you're Sylvia Plath, maybe. Ash, this borders on the mentally deranged.” While Brea sounds all concerned, she is actually giving equal time to Oprah, who is blaring over me.

My cell phone is ringing, and I just want to throw it across the room. “Give my
poem
back to me.” I rip the paper from her hands, and little Miles forms a pout you could perch a bird upon. He begins to howl. “See, I can't make men happy at any age! And this,” I wave my paper again, “is not mental. It's just my attempt to show Seth there's nothing to be afraid of when it comes to marriage.”

Brea is now cracking up, while Miles continues to scream and Oprah offers an indispensable fashion tip. Meanwhile, my phone is still trilling. “Oh yeah, this will do it,” she says. “Seth will be completely ready for commitment after this. Just rushing to the altar because he wants a wife who lives part time in the institution.” Her laughter slows. “Ash, let's put it this way, if you sent this from jail? You wouldn't be getting out anytime soon. Oooh . . . oooh! Move out of the way, here's the ‘after' part.” Brea faces the television and her eyes are wide with excitement at a stay-at-home mom transformed into a glamour queen.