A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (24 page)

In
Chapter 5
, we discussed the re-establishing of trust as a means to forgiveness. As you build the capacities we have discussed in the preceding chapters, intimacy will be fostered and forgiveness will more gracefully begin to be established. More forgiveness brings more intimacy. Forgiveness in many ways is a byproduct of building intimacy. You have the capacity to block forgiveness or to foster it.

Forgiveness is promoted by many of the same skills that support intimacy. The more you can see the world through your part-ner’s eyes, the more deeply you will be able to bring forgiveness to what has happened. These are not experiences you need to rush yourself into having. All of your anger, grief, frustration, and hurt can still be honored while you intimately explore the world as viewed by your beloved.

You have probably heard that if you are seeking forgiveness, first forgive. Forgiveness begins with forgiving yourself. As you build compassion and empathy for yourself, you will be able to build compassion and empathy for your partner. The wisdom from the beautiful prayer attributed to the thirteenth century Saint Francis of Assisi applies here—it is true that “in giving we receive.”

Monitoring Your Partner

In
Chapter 2
, we discussed the monitoring of e-mail accounts, computer access, cell phone calls, or other portals that your partner may have used to indulge his sexual compulsivity. Initially, it may create a greater feeling of safety for both partners to use a shared e-mail account, monitoring devices, monitoring software, or blocking software, but in the long run, in order to develop trust and intimacy, the partner with the sexual compulsivity issue must take responsibility for himself. Monitoring or being monitored does not foster intimacy. It is difficult for the partner doing the monitoring not to be cast in the role of parent or be viewed as the “porn police.” Continuing to monitor does not allow your partner to find his own internal observer—a skill that is vital to his personal recovery. Ultimately, if you do not feel you can trust your partner enough not to monitor him, you also do not have enough trust to build true intimacy.

Exercise: Write a Love Letter

As you begin to come through the storm of the crisis of the discovery of sexual compulsivity, it is now clear that your relationship has deeply altered. Although your connection to your partner may still feel a little shaky, if you’re still reading, we can assume you have begun to deepen your intimate connection. This is a moment to reflect on what you appreciate about your partner. What are the qualities you admire? How does your partner support you in ways for which you are thankful? In what ways does your partner bring out the best in you? What do you love about your partner?

Sit down and take as much time as you need to write down the ways in which you feel gratitude for your beloved. This is a moment to remain focused simply on the gratitude, on your appreciation and your acknowledgement of that appreciation.

After you have both written your gratitude notes, your love letters, share them with each other. When you do this sharing, we recommend that you set aside an entire evening to spend time just with each other. This is an evening to simply relax, sit back, and reflect on how far you have traveled together.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Although there can be what seems like unbearable pain in the process of deepening intimacy, this crisis is transforming both you and your relationship.

• The deepening of love and intimacy requires the willingness to make the needs and wants of the other, and of the relationship, just as important as your individual needs and wants.

• The viewpoint of your partner can help you see more clearly into your individual style of self-protection—a protection that actually keeps you away from intimacy.

• Intimate conversation is built on two skills: reflecting and expressing compassionate understanding. Reflecting is simply putting what your partner has said to you in your own words. Compassionate understanding is expressing whatever awareness you can find about your partner’s experience—not to change it, to fix it, or to correct it, but simply to acknowledge that it exists.

• Compulsive addictive sex can be thought of as simply remaining focused on the sex act itself. Intimate sex brings love, connection, compassion, and intimacy into the picture, that’s why it is called making love.

Looking Forward

Chapter 11
will help you determine if you need outside support as you work with the issues of sexual compulsivity in your relationship. There are resources listed for finding help through groups, individual counseling, or further reading.

CHAPTER 11

Finding Support When You Need It

Whether individually or as a couple, you may need or want to seek outside support in the form of counseling, groups, or additional self-help books. You are not alone. Millions of others have sought support from groups and counseling. This chapter is primarily informational to better prepare and enable you to take what can feel like a big step of attending a support group or contacting a counselor. See Appendix A, “Additional Reading,” for a list of reading materials.

Support Groups Related to Sex Addiction

As mentioned in
Chapter 1
, human beings need and want human connection. When you are grappling with an issue or problem or fumbling your way through a painful period in life, there are thousands of others who are or have been in a similar situation. What you might learn from their experiences can help ease any sense of isolation you may have. In addition, when you attend a support group, it is not just you who is benefitting from others; they are also benefitting from you and your experiences.

The following is a brief description of groups and associations related to sex addiction and co-sex addiction. We encourage you to go to the websites to learn more details about the groups, their members, and their meetings. If you do not live near a city, many of these groups have both telephone and online meetings in which you can participate anonymously.

SAA—Sex Addicts Anonymous—

www.saa-recovery.org

Sex Addicts Anonymous is based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It has meetings open to anyone who wants to find out more about recovering from addictive behaviors and closed meetings that are available only to those who have decided to stop their addictive sexual behavior. There are also conference-call telephone meetings and online web meetings. One way to find out more about Sex Addicts Anonymous is to read their online pamphlets at
www.saa-recovery.org/SAALiterature
.

SA—Sexaholics Anonymous—
www.sa.org

Sexaholics Anonymous is a recovery program based on the Twelve Steps principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. Men and women “share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire to become sexually sober. There are no dues or fees for SA membership.”

COSA—Co-Sex Addict Anonymous—

www.cosa-recovery.org

COSA is an anonymous “twelve-step recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by another person’s compulsive sexual behavior.” COSA is open to anyone who has been affected by sexually compulsive behavior. There are face-to-face meetings listed by state on the website. There are also telephone meetings in which COSA members participate anonymously.

SLAA—Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous—

www.slaafws.org

SLAA is “a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition oriented Fellowship of men and women who help each other to stay sober. We offer help to anyone who has a sex addiction or love addiction or both and wants to do something about it.” Members strive to have a special understanding of each other and the disease as they go through recovery. SLAA has in-person meetings worldwide. There are also telephone and online meetings.

RCA—Recovering Couples Anonymous—

www.recovering-couples.org

RCA is an association of recovering couples “committed to restoring healthy communication and caring and, as we do this, we find greater joy and intimacy.”

SCA—Sexual Compulsiveness Anonymous—

www.sca-recovery.org

SCA is a Twelve Step fellowship that is open to individuals of all sexual orientations with a desire to recover from sexually compulsive behaviors. SCA meetings are “not group therapy, but a spiritual program that provides a safe environment for working on problems of sexual addiction and sexual sobriety.” To learn more about what happens at meetings as well as locations in the United States and around the world, go to the SCA website.

SRA—Sexual Recovery Anonymous—

www.sexualrecovery.org

Similar to other groups, SRA uses the Twelve Steps and is open to men and women seeking to share experiences as they work to solve the common issues regarding sexual addiction. The SRA website lists areas where there are meetings. You can also learn the process of starting an SRA meeting in your area. The website also has a pamphlet showing a typical meeting format.

S-Anon International Family Group—

www.sanon.org

S-Anon is a program of recovery for those who have been impacted by the sexual behavior of another. It is based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. S-Anon Family Groups are composed of “relatives and friends of sexually addicted people who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems.” There are no dues and the locations of meetings in countries around the world can be found on the S-Anon website. Before attending a meeting, it is advisable to look at the questions and answers regarding meetings at
www.sanon.org/meetings.htm
.

Consider Counseling

You may want to seek counseling as an individual desiring to change your sexually compulsive behavior, as the spouse or significant other of a sex addict, or as a couple wanting to understand or strengthen your relationship. Professional counselors work with individuals, couples, and families to identify problems and provide potential solutions. During in-person or telephone sessions, you can examine behaviors, thoughts, and feelings to determine sources and resolutions for problem areas in your life.

People often find excuses why they don’t have time for counseling, or say that their partner won’t cooperate, or believe that it’s hopeless. In our experience, whether you go with your spouse or not, or whether your spouse cooperates or not, counseling can be of great benefit to you. If a couple does go together, the relationship has a greater chance for surviving and deepening into greater intimacy.

When to Seek Counseling

At what point do individuals and/or couples typically decide to pursue counseling? To find the answer, there are questions to ask yourself and signals to which you might pay attention. A brief list follows:

• You or your partner wants to stop sexually compulsive behavior but have not been successful

• Discussion about sexually compulsive behavior leads to unresolved arguments

• One or both partners feel betrayed by the other

• One or both partners feel distanced or shut out by the other

• Children are negatively impacted by behavior or negative feelings of the parents

• Frequent mention of divorce

• Poor communication in general, such as “he/she doesn’t listen”

• Emotional infidelity

• Not spending time together

• Additional addictive behaviors such as substance or alcohol abuse

• A recent change in the relationship, such as the discovery of infidelity, loss of job, or death in the family

• Difficulty concentrating at work

What to Expect During Counseling

Professional counselors conduct counseling sessions in person or over the phone. Sessions generally last fifty minutes to one hour. The counselor may encourage you individually or as a couple to do certain homework, such as making a certain time each day to honestly discuss your feelings. (
Chapter 8
provided guidelines for such honest communications.)