A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (26 page)

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• You may need or want to seek outside support in the form of counseling, groups, or additional self-help books.

• In attending a support group, what you might learn from the experiences of others who have been in a situation similar to yours can help ease any sense of isolation you may have. In addition, it is not just you benefitting from others; they are also benefitting from you and your experiences.

• You may want to seek counseling as an individual desiring to change your sexually compulsive behavior, as the spouse or significant other of a sex addict, or as a couple wanting to understand or strengthen your relationship.

Looking Forward

In
Chapter 12
, we will look at the spiral nature of navigating the journey of deepening your relationship and developing your capacities as an observer.

CHAPTER 12

The Journey Continues

As a child, you probably heard fairy tales that helped shape the foundation for your expectations of relationships. The movies and television programs you saw as a child created a particular fantasy image of domestic bliss. As you have grown, matured, and experienced life in relationships, the fantasy of that promise has been exposed. Especially since sexual compulsivity is a part of your relationship, you are traveling a particular path that is challenging, demanding, and painful, yet also contains the possibility for great growth and revelation.

Your capacities of courage, perseverance, faith, and strength have been tested. Please know that many, many people who have found themselves in a difficult relationship like yours have been able to navigate their way to a more loving partnership. We are not promising a happily ever after, but it is absolutely possible for you to deepen the love and support between you and your beloved. This does not mean you are going to reach some idyllic plateau where your relationship will have no difficulties. As it is with the weather, your life and relationship will continue to experience beautiful, sunny loving moments and those that are more stormy.

The Spiral

From the macro to the micro, life as we see and experience it is a spiral. From the shape of our galaxy to the form of our human DNA, our world appears in spirals. The experience of walking through a difficult time in a relationship can be unnerving because it brings up old feelings, wounds, or memories that you may have believed were resolved. Many individuals are surprised and dismayed that issues they thought had been thoroughly examined and resolved come flooding back. This can cause a feeling of going backward or of going in circles. Many have said, “I thought I’d already dealt with this” or, “I thought I had matured past the point of having to be in a situation like this.”

In times like these, remember the spiral. You may be coming back around to face a type of issue you had previously experienced, but this time you are bringing the wisdom you gained from the earlier times you dealt with the same issue. Likewise, the skills, learning, and intelligence you are now gaining will be available to you the next time you traverse this part of your life’s spiral.

The pain of living through this portion of your life can force a kind of focus and attention that you might not have otherwise experienced. What may seem to be the unbearable pain of moving through this time can bring great wisdom. What may look to be a hopeless situation in a relationship can bring the two individuals in the partnership closer than they previously knew was possible. We have watched couples come back from the brink of what they were certain was the end of their relationship.

We have heard it said that being in an intimate partnership is like attending relationship graduate school, participating in a master’s class in partnering. We wholeheartedly agree! This kind of relating can require a level of awareness, attention, and surrender unlike any other life challenge.

The Observer

An understanding that often grows and deepens with difficulty in a relationship is the awareness of the observer. In
Chapter 10
, we discussed the need to develop your capacity for independence, your individual sense of internal strength, so that you have the resilience and durability needed to relate intimately. It is difficult not to feel overrun by your partner’s feelings or emotions, by his or her wants and needs, when you are feeling fragile and defended. It is hard to be undefended enough to intimately merge with your partner when your defenses are telling you that you are in danger. When your protective mechanisms are telling you to be on red alert, it is difficult to surrender into intimacy.

A Fairy Tale

In an old German fairy tale, a beautiful young maiden is able to spin straw into gold with the magical aid of the gnome, Rumpelstiltskin. However, in payment for his magical assistance in spinning the straw into gold the beautiful young maiden has to promise to give the magical gnome her first-born child. Since this is a fairy tale after all, she marries the king and becomes queen of the land. When she and the king have their first child, the rascally Rumpelstiltskin appears to claim the baby. The queen offers all her wealth, but Rumpelstiltskin is set on taking the precious heir to the throne. The queen begs and begs, so Rumpelstiltskin finally makes a deal with the queen that if she can guess his name, he will not take the child. The gnome is certain that the queen can never guess such a complicated name as Rumpelstiltskin. Who could?

Since this is a fairy tale after all, the queen is true of heart, strong, courageous, and blessed. She is able to gain knowledge of the gnome’s secret mountain hideaway and overhear him singing a song about his impossible-to-guess name. She thought that all was lost, but through her wisdom, strength, courage, and perseverance she was able to discover the secret needed to save what was most precious.

You have the capacity to spin the straw of this difficulty in your relationship into the gold of deeper connection. One way to accomplish this is to metaphorically step outside yourself and use your capacities as the observer. If you can watch yourself, you will have the opportunity to see that you do not have to react as you have in the past. You can make a different choice. Just like the queen in the fairy tale, your knowledge, strength, courage, and perseverance will show you what you need to learn.

One of the best ways to grow the capacity of internal strength is to develop your witness, your observer. You have the capability to observe yourself. Right now, check and see that you can be aware of your body, where it is in space. You can simply notice your body breathing. You can also observe any thought floating by in your mind about the words you are reading. You may or may not also be having some kind of feeling or emotion about the words. If you are, you can note this feeling or emotion. It is your observer that is aware.

Additionally, you have the capacity to notice the interplay of the sensations of your body, of your thoughts, and of your feelings and emotions. You can bring your awareness to how they interact. If you feel a pain in your body, your mind may be having a thought about it like, “That hurts, I don’t like it.” If your body is experiencing pain, you may also be having an emotional or feeling response to the pain. You may be having signals of fear about the physical discomfort, or you may be having an angry response.

You have the capacity to observe all of these connected inner workings. Focusing on the observer of these responses is like taking a step back to allow yourself to observe the pleasant or unpleasant scenery of this moment in your life.

In a moment, as you are observing your body, your thoughts, and your feelings and emotions, perhaps you can step back into your observer just a little further and ask yourself, “Who is observing this observer?” There is a quality of love, peace, and comfort available at the heart, the core of your observer. With the discovery of this secret, you will be able to loosen the tight grip of the intensity, even just for an instant, that your bodily sensations, thoughts, or feelings and emotions are serving up for your experience in this moment. Putting yourself in the role of observer has additional benefits, such as noticing when you have strayed from the path of kindness and compassion and have lapsed into shaming or blaming. Be as gentle and compassionate with yourself and with your partner as you can be. When you see that you have not been as gentle and compassionate as you wish you could have been, apologize as quickly as possible. It takes two to successfully navigate the difficult waters of a relationship. If you treat your partner with kindness and compassion, he or she is more likely to respond to you in a similar fashion.

Your Journey

This book is a compilation of the collective experiences of those who have walked along the path you are now walking. It contains wisdom gained from working through the trials of our own relationship as well as information gleaned from all the couples and individuals we have had the privilege of working with and knowing.

In Part 1 of the book, “Coming to Terms with Your New Reality,” we have shared how to live through the initial discovery of the problem of sexual compulsivity in your relationship and basic facts about sex addiction. In Part 2, “Rebuilding Your Relationship,” we explored skills and tools needed to put the pieces of your partnership back together and to deepen your relationship. Finally, in Part 3, “Moving Forward,” we looked at ways to deepen intimacy and find outside support if you need it.

Although we present these skills as steppingstones, like a map, with each section building upon the previous one, in reality, your journey will occur in three dimensions. The elements of all of the skills interact and build upon each other. You and your partner will find your own path through the maze. You will create the map that is right for you and take the journey in your own unique way. Your willingness, compassion, and love for each other will help you find the answers embedded in your own questions. As the authors of these pages who have made a similar journey to greater awareness and deeper connection, we hope this book will serve as a guiding star to help you and your partner discover your unique path through the shadowy forest of relationship disorientation to arrive in the sunny clearing of true loving intimacy.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Since sexual compulsivity is a part of your relationship, you are traveling a particular path that is challenging, demanding, and painful, yet also contains the possibility for great growth and revelation.

• You may be coming back around to face a type of issue you had previously experienced, but this time you are bringing the wisdom you gained from the earlier times you dealt with the same issue.

• An understanding that often grows and deepens with difficulty in a relationship is the awareness of the observer.

• Many people who have found themselves in a difficult relationship like yours have been able to navigate their way to a more loving partnership. It is absolutely possible for you to deepen the love and support between you and your beloved.

APPENDIX A

Additional Reading

For more information about sexual addiction, relationship renewal, and related issues, consider picking up some of the following books.

Recommended Reading for Additional Support

Many excellent books provide valuable information on the origins, impact, and treatment of sexually compulsive behavior as well as related topics. The list below lists books you may find valuable.

Recovery from Sex Addiction

Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn, and Shame
by George Collins with Andrew Adleman.

In the Shadows of the Net
by Patrick Carnes.

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
by Patrick Carnes.

Thirty Days to Hope & Freedom from Sex Addiction
by Milton S. Magness.

For the Partners of Addicts

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie.

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To
by Janis Abrahms Spring.

Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity: Understanding Co-Sex Addiction—A Spiritual Journey to Wholeness and Serenity
by Claudine Pletcher and Sally Bartolameolli.

Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness: Couples Speaking Out on Healing from Sex Addiction
by Jennifer P. Schneider and Burt Schneider.

On Relationship, Intimacy, and Sexuality

The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships
by Theresa L. Crenshaw.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.