Violence Begets... (17 page)

“So?”

“So, why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“Fuck, Rick, how bad the fucking fight
was.”

“But it wasn’t,” I stammered, sticking
to my story, and knowing the second I did that it was the wrong thing to do. I took
a few steps back, recognizing the boiling anger that flashed across his eyes.

“Goddamn it, I fucking heard the fight.”

I dropped the ball. “What?”

“And I know it wasn’t a typical fight.
I know it was harder than your usual. I sat right outside this window.” He spun
and grabbed onto the sill. I could see the tension in the muscles of his arms and
back as he tried to control his temper. “And I heard you cry out for god knows how
long. And then you lie to me all fucking week about it. That’s why I told you what
you needed to hear. I know it’s getting worse.”

I stood there, too stunned to say anything
at his outburst. He finally continued in a quieter voice. “I need you to not lie
to me. You can’t leave shit out, though god knows I do it all the fucking time.
But when I ask you pointblank about something, don’t fucking lie to me.” I saw his
shoulders heave a few times. He turned suddenly and sat back on the windowsill,
looked up and said. “My turn. I want another kiss.” The change in him happened so
fast that I just stared at him, my mind not fully comprehending. “You knew what
I wanted walking into this one. You can’t back out,” he said, taking several long
steps towards me.

Like before, his hands found my hips,
but he was more urgent this time, more impatient. His thumb brushed against my lips.
“Kiss me,” he whispered, leaning in towards me, his breath hot on my lips, but he
didn’t close the gap. Before I realized what I was doing, our lips connected. He
set the pace this time. He wanted more and wasn’t willing to wait for me. He steered
me towards my bed and pulled me down on top of him. My mind screamed out for me
to stop, but it was like there was a complete disconnect with my body—it refused
to listen.

It amazed me how his hands moved heatedly
without hurting me, causing my stomach to tighten and warmth to flush my face. There
were so many messed up areas from my dad, but he seemed to know how to avoid them
all.

He tugged at the button of my jeans,
but didn’t unfasten it, giving me a chance to stop him. Again, my mind battered
me with horrible thoughts as I felt my hips press into his body in reply. In response,
he gently maneuvered himself so he was on top. As he slowly kissed his way down
my chest I knew what he was planning on doing and was shocked at the look of desire
in his eyes as they locked onto mine. I’d gone down this road with Jessica, but
she’d never looked like he did. With a smile, and not breaking our eye contact,
he pulled my jeans down. It was me who threw my head back and broke our stare when
I felt his mouth on me.

Kevin

Not surprisingly, I got him off. What
did surprise me was my ability to stop once I did. It was damned hard, and thoughts
of taking him closed like clamps around my brain. After seeming him wither under
my touch, I knew he was as good as mine, but I had to ease him into it. Something
in his head kept resisting me even though his desire rivaled my own. I was still
pissed as fuck at him for lying to me, but knew the real reason I was so mad was
because my damned emotions were getting involved. My end goal was to get him to
care for me and get him into bed. I was beginning to realize that how I felt about
things may just end up lending a level of sincerity, but that came with a fair amount
of risk as well. In the end, it didn’t matter if I cared about him. All that mattered
was that he kept his mouth shut.

 “Listen, I gotta go. We’ve got that
stupid Halloween party at what’s her name’s tonight, and we both need to get ready,”
I drawled out as I untangled myself from his limbs.

“Yeah, what time are the guys expecting
us?” he asked, and I could tell he was still affected by my talents.

“'Bout an hour. They’re coming to my
house first. You’ll be there?” I asked the question, knowing I wasn't giving him
much of a choice.

He hummed his confirmation before adding,
“Your dad?”

“He’ll be there, but I figure if we’re
in and out pretty quick, it should be okay.”

“Yeah, okay.”

I didn’t trust myself to stick around
much longer, so I quickly swung myself out his window and made my way home.

The guys all showed up on time. I had
to work hard not to place myself next to Rick. He was like a fucking magnet.

“Where you been?” Jeremy asked innocently.
I didn’t like the sideways glances from the others, anticipating my reaction.

“Does it fucking matter to you?” I snapped.

“No, I mean,” he stammered, while nodding
towards Rick. “It’s just both of you haven’t been around much.” He was trying to
shift attention from me to Rick without knowing this would get him in more trouble.
Rick paled, and I saw his panic.

“And I’m his keeper all of a sudden?
What the fuck do I care if he’s not around? And what the fuck do you care if I’m
not?” I took a menacing step towards him, blocking his view of Rick, hoping Rick
had enough sense to pull it together. I knew we’d been disappearing too much. When
it came down to it, I hoped they were scared enough of me not to give me much shit
about being gay, but if word got out and my father found out, I’d be dead.

As we were walking out the door, my
father turned the hall corner.

“You going out tonight?” he asked with
a smile that I knew all too well.

My stomach dropped as his hand came
down on my shoulder. From the guys’ perspective I knew it would look fatherly, but
as his claws dug into my skin, I forced my control into place and responded. “Yes,
sir, I told you about it on Tuesday. Halloween party.” I was proud of my light and
even tone.

“Kevin, may I have a word with you alone?”
He looked at the guys with a smile. “You guys don’t mind, right?” I avoided looking
at Rick as they started to leave my house.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” I said, as
the door shut behind them. “They’re right outside.” I said, my heartbeat racing.
My father's fist flexed around my shoulder as he turned and thrust me towards the
kitchen. I moved quickly, putting as much distance as possible between the front
door and the attack that was coming. I knew I had to stall, get to the kitchen and
turn the radio on so they didn’t hear anything.

“I don’t really care where they are.”
He slowly moved towards me. Rounding the corner I reached for the radio with my
left hand, but he grabbed my wrist before I could hit the button.

“Sir, the noise…” I tried to pull towards
the radio as he yanked my arm and roughly backed me into the wall.

“You will not make any,” he threatened
calmly. He wrapped his hand around my small finger and I stared at him in dismay.
His eyes, calculating and cold, betrayed nothing. I tried to pull away, but his
grip tightened even more. His stare bore into mine as I slowly felt the tension
on my hand increase, and then the searing pain as the pressure finally gave and
my finger snapped back. I slammed my head back into the wall and bit my lip to keep
from crying out.

He enclosed my ring finger in his hand
and repeated the slow, painful process of breaking it. My free fist flew to my mouth
and I bit down to keep from screaming. My mind started scrambling for focus. He
smiled but didn’t release me. He wrapped his fingers around my middle finger. “Next
time I will break every one of your fingers,” he said gently before he released
my hand and walked away.

I sank to the floor and took several
deep breaths, trying to push out the pain. With my good hand I pulled out the cell
phone my father didn’t know I had. I knew I needed to set my fingers before I could
leave. It was humiliating asking Rick, but I didn’t see any other choice if I wanted
to make it out of the house without another incident. I could do it on my own, but
that would take twice the time. I debated for moment. Would it be better to take
my chances that my father would come back for more, or ask Rick for help? I typed,
Come in—JUST you, my bathroom,
and sent it to him. I slowly pulled myself
to my feet and silently made my way downstairs to my bathroom to find some bandages.
I’d long ago purchased popsicle sticks for broken fingers.

I didn’t hear him until he was right
outside my door, which was good. The quieter he was, the more likely my father hadn't
heard him come in. “You okay?” he asked.

“Fine.” I said irritably. “Help me wrap
these.” I turned and thrust the first aid shit at him. To his credit, he took one
look at my hand, nodded and started to work. “What’d you tell the guys?”

“Forgot my wallet. What’re you going
to tell ‘em?”

“Slammed ‘em in the door.”

“They’re not stupid.”

“Yes, they are.” At his raised eyebrows,
I added, “You never knew.”

“True.”

“Go now. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“You sure?” he asked, glancing around,
looking for my father.

“Yes.”

I sat on my bed and threw back several
shots of Wild Turkey. I focused, counting to a hundred. Pushing the pain down as
far as it would go, and plastering on the best normal-looking Kevin mask I could
muster, I ran up the stairs and slipped out the front door, ready for a party.

Kevin

People in lame-ass costumes carried
on the usual conversations in the kitchen, and I was bored out of my fucking mind.
Rick had disappeared over an hour ago, and I thought I had been pretty fucking patient
not to go knock him on his ass for this stunt. The throbbing in my hand had started
to spread up my arm, and I thought this was as good an excuse as any.

“I’m gonna go find something harder
for the pain,” I mumbled as I lifted my arm. It fucking irritated me that I was
even making an excuse. Things were definitely becoming a lot harder to balance.

I knew I’d find him with Jessica. She
was decked out in a damn hippie outfit. How fucking predicable was that? It shouldn’t
have bothered me, but it sure as hell did. I’d always liked Jessica, but seeing
her with Rick now made me hate her just a little.

“Smoke, outside, now!” I said, walking
past but not looking in his direction. I got outside and lit up. I could see him
through the windows, but he made no attempt to follow me, even though he glanced
at me several times. Fuck! Pushing me when we were alone was one thing. Pushing
me in public was just plain stupid on his part. I calmed myself more and more with
each drag. By the time I was done with my smoke, I was ready to put him in his place.
I hated what I had to do, but between Jeremy’s comment and Rick’s complete lack
of respect, I had to do something. I’d put on a show for the world—one that was
aimed to hurt Rick. If he wanted to play the straight role, I’d show him how it
was really done.

I sauntered back in and wrapped my arms
around a girl named Liz. She’d been watching me for weeks, so I knew she’d be easy,
and with Kari nowhere to be found I had to find the next best thing. I pulled her
tight against my body.

“Well hello, beautiful,” I said huskily,
laying it on as thick as I could. “Been watching you for awhile. Wanna dance?”

She melted into my arms at the unexpected
attention. After several minutes of whispered nonsense, she threw her head back
and laughed. I knew exactly what she wanted. I pressed my lips to her neck and kissed
her, drawing out the exact response I expected. She stiffened slightly with pleasure
and then wrapped her arms tightly around me. I spun her around to the music, getting
her to giggle, all the while drawing attention to the obvious sexual tension I was
creating.

I saw Rick out of the corner of my eye.
He was watching us intently, barely paying attention to Jessica now. I found her
lips and backed her softly into the wall. Women like it soft, I reminded myself.
I kissed her gently; I could taste the stale smoke of weed on her tongue. Mixing
a little pressure into the kiss, I intentionally made it feel like I was struggling
to hold back. Going through the motions, I pulled her tight to me, then backed off
as if I realized what I was doing. Each step, each move, I carefully calculated
and executed. She responded like they always did. Still kissing her, I tugged at
her and made my way to a bedroom. She smiled as she realized where we were going,
making a perfect show of everything. God, I was good at this fucking shit. I found
Rick in the same spot, still staring at us. I winked at him as I closed the door
behind me.

We fell onto the bed together. I knew
she wasn’t down for sex, which was why I’d picked her.
Let Rick’s imagination
go where it wants,
I thought. It was all about the show. All I had to do was
make out with her and convince her I was feeling what she was. This was the easy
part—match what she was doing, take it one step further until she started to pull
away, then stay at that level and finally put a stop to it. Do it nicely. Rick had
to see us leave the room with a smile. Like baking a fucking cake using step-by-step
instructions.

“I gotta stop,” I said, abruptly pulling
away from her.

“What, why?” she asked with alarm, a
flash of insecurity in her eyes.

“I’m going nuts here. I want you so
bad it hurts.” I paused until realization flashed across her face. “I don’t think
I can do this any longer without…” I paused again, pretending to search for the
words. “You know,” I said, waiting until she caught on.

“Oh, oh, it’s all good, don’t worry
about it,” she said, trying to act frustrated herself, but I saw the relief on her
face. I didn’t want to come on too strong. I had to make her feel like it was her
decision and that I really wanted to fuck her.

“I mean, we can, if you have protection.”

“No, no, I don’t,” she said quickly,
and I could tell I’d played this one successfully.

I acted frustrated but cool with things,
making sure to carry out the game to the end. I stalled, talking to her, pretending
to want to get to know her. All the while I was just making sure the timeline fit.
I knew that leaving the room with her would cause talk, and that talk would make
it upstairs to the rest of the guys in a matter of minutes.

After enough time had passed for a climactic
moment to have occurred, I asked her to go back out to the party and dance with
me. We ran right into Rick as I flung open the bedroom door. He had his hand raised
like he was about to knock, and flushed when he saw me. I smiled at him, making
a point to straighten out my pants, like I’d just put them on. He shook his head
without saying anything and walked away. I turned to Liz.

“Thanks!” I said lightly, giving her
a small kiss on the cheek just to rub it in as Rick kept walking. “I’ll catch up
with you later for that dance, alright?” She smiled, and I turned to follow Rick
out before she could say anything. I caught up with him in the front yard as he
lit up.

“You have something to say to me?” I
smirked.

“Nope,” he said shortly, taking a deep
drag. Without a glance at me, he started walking towards the street.

“Liar,”
I baited him

He nearly snorted, “You really gonna
go there again? After what I just saw in there?”

I paced myself to catch up to him. He
walked for the length of several houses, then turned abruptly and kissed me. I stumbled
slightly backwards, not expecting the kiss or the force with which he'd grabbed
me. He’d never kissed me on his own. My mind raced, but my body dominated my thoughts.
I responded immediately and pulled him hard against me, working around the worst
of our bruises. I felt his hand slide beneath my shirt as he struggled to pull me
closer to him. The heat from his hand sent shock waves through me. I almost lost
my mind completely.

“Jesus, Rick, I want you,” I whispered,
burying my head into his neck. As I said this, the full weight of my surfacing emotions
came crashing into my body, and my legs almost gave way under the intensity. I’d
started this game as a way to control him and keep him quiet, but with his arms
around me and his lips coercing mine apart, I knew I’d never felt anything close
to the passion that was consuming me. Now, with his body pressed against mine, the
feelings I’d been so terrified of seemed welcome and comforting.

“I want you too, Kevin,” he said, pausing.
“But, I can’t be with you.” I felt his tears on his face before I saw them. He pulled
out of my arms and said, “I can’t be what you want me to be. I’m sorry, but I just
can’t.”

I stared at him, watching his mouth
move but not hearing what he was saying. The words that came out of his mouth didn’t
fit or make sense with what I was feeling inside.

“What are you talking about?” I stammered.
I reached for him and tried to kiss him again, trying to stop whatever he was saying
from being said.

“Kevin, no!” He pushed back from me.
“I can’t trust you. All your games and lies. Not to mention, this is just wrong.”

“What?” I interrupted. I felt the warmth
of my previous emotions draining out of me and a coldness starting to replace those
feelings. “You don’t understand,” I said. Again, I reached for him, trying to get
his warmth back. With every step he took away from me, I felt the fury in my soul
creep back in.

“I understand,” he said with a hint
of anger. “I understand that not ten minutes ago you were in that room with Liz
doing god knows what. Probably telling her the same things you’re telling me. I’m
not going to turn my back on everything I know is right just for you.”

“No, Rick. It’s not like that. It’s
different with you,” I said desperately.

“Kevin, I don’t think you understand
how close you came tonight. I was ready to try things with you. I was ready to damn
myself to hell and give up on a normal life. But the second you got all over that
girl I realized you’re not what I want to be. I was ready to give up everything
for you, and it’s all just a game. I knew it all along, but you just proved it.”

“Fuck that!” I said, panic suddenly
exploding. “You were all over Jessica and then you had the fucking nerve to completely
disrespect me. You have no room to fucking talk.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jessica! Disappear for a goddamn hour
and make me come find you. You know damn well how that looks in front of the guys—me
letting you get away with shit I never let them get away with. Then, I flat out
demand you go with me to smoke, and you have the nerve to fucking ignore me and
make me look like a complete ass.”

“What? I have no idea what you’re talking
about. Go out for a smoke? When?”

“Downstairs! Don’t fucking pretend you
didn’t see me. You kept looking at me while I was out there smoking.”

“Jesus, Kevin. How was I supposed to
know you wanted me out there? Did you consider asking me?”

“Ask? Fuck no. I demanded, and you just
sat there all up in Jessica’s business.”

 “Seriously? I didn’t even hear you!”
he spat out angrily. “I saw you once you were out there smoking, but I didn't see
you walk past me, let alone hear you with the music so loud. Don’t you think I know
better than to push you like that in front of others?”

I stammered, “Well, that still doesn’t
explain you being all over her.”

He groaned loudly and threw his hands
up in the air.

“Kevin! I’d just spent the last hour
telling her I couldn’t sleep with her anymore because I wanted to try things exclusively
with someone else.”

“What? Who?” Again, rage coursed through
me at the thought of competing with yet another girl for his attention.

“You’re an idiot!” he spat at me furiously.
“Kevin, I never know why you do what you do—maybe to get to me, maybe to feel powerful
and smart, maybe just to show off what a stud you are. Whatever the reason, tonight
you made me realize that I don’t want to be like that.”

“Then why did you just kiss me?” I asked,
my anger deflating as I realized I was losing this fight. He started to walk off
again and I cut him off. “Why, goddamn it?”

“Because, I had wanted to all night
and then you were standing there, and I couldn’t help myself. And when I did, I
realized just how poisonous you are for me because the image of you with Liz disappeared
the second you touched me. Everything disappeared.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I said, smiling
slightly, trying to play it cool even though all I wanted to do was wrap my arms
around him and keep him from walking away.

“Because, Kevin,” he said, tears once
again forming in his eyes, “you’ll never feel that way about me. You couldn’t if
you wanted to. It’s too much to give up just so you can win whatever game you’re
playing.”

His words cut through my bravado. “But
I do care…it’s the same…” I tried to interrupt, but he kept going.

“You don’t care, Kevin. Caring would
imply you have a heart, and yours is as dead as your father’s!”

Despite his words, I felt my so-called
dead heart boil with rage as my temper flared. I was not about to stand back and
let him tell me I couldn’t feel, when I felt more than I’d ever felt in my life.

“Fuck off, you bastard!” I shouted as
I threw a punch, wanting to break his jaw but stopping just short of any real damage.
As he stumbled backwards, instant regret took over, and I almost crumbled myself
as I saw the hurt tear across his features. Instead, I stormed off with every intention
of finding my way to Club Normandy.

Rick

I watched him hurry away, astonished
that he’d actually hit me. He hadn’t done it for show or to set boundaries. There
was no one around, no one to make a point for, and he’d hit me. I thought of going
after him, but I hadn’t done anything wrong so I let him go.

I went back to the party to find a bottle
of alcohol. I didn’t care what it was, I just knew I wanted to drink to forget.
Jessica found me taking several big mouthfuls of Goldschlager.

“You okay, honey?” she asked with gentle
concern.

“I’m afraid so,” I replied bitterly,
realizing I’d just gotten what I'd asked for. She reached up and thumbed away some
drying blood from my lip.

“Looks like you got in a fight.”

“Yeah, hanging out with Kevin Vincent
tends to get you in a lot of trouble.”

“Is it just the likes of Kevin who does
all the damage?” she asked, running her thumb across a bruise near my wrist where
my dad had grabbed me several days before. I narrowed my eyes at her. Did she know?