Violence Begets... (19 page)

“If you pull stunts like that with me,
Rick, you may get more than you bargained for,” I said, moving in to kiss him, but
he turned his back to me. I pressed my body against his and placed my hands gently
on his shoulders. “Why do you keep resisting me?” I whispered in his ear as I gently
traced his earlobe with my tongue. I felt his body stiffen against mine and knew
he’d been longing for contact again. “Rick, I want you!” I moved my hands slowly
down his arms, gripped his biceps and pulled him tight against my chest, “And I
know you want me.” I pressed my hand against him, and his body confirmed his desire.

“Kevin…oh god!” he exhaled as his head
tipped back to rest on my shoulder. I seized my opening and started to kiss his
neck. My teeth expertly nipped at his skin. With my years of experience, he didn’t
stand a chance. He turned suddenly and grabbed my face. The weeks of separation
had obviously done the trick. His resolve had finally abandoned him, and his passion
nearly crushed my control. I checked my emotions though, careful not to let my feelings
get in the way like they had the last time, but I let my body completely react to
his hunger.

“Wait!” he said, pulling away breathlessly.

“Fuck, what now?” I mumbled in frustration.

“You’ll never hit me again,” he said
firmly. “Promise me, on everything you claim to feel for me, you’ll never do that
again.”

I took a step back. He was right, and
goddamn it if I hadn’t regretted the punch the second it had happened. “I am sorry.”
As the words crossed my lips, I realized it was the only sincere apology I’d ever
given. “I promise, it will never happen again.”

He nodded, taking my face into his hands
and kissing me, his passion quickly turning to near desperation.

“Slow down, Rick,” I said, smiling as
I reminded myself to stay focused and in control. I drew him into my arms and returned
his kiss with the same passion he showed and then some. I, after all, was the expert,
and I was going to make sure he’d beg for a repeat performance.

Finally, Rick St. James was going to
be mine.

Rick

It was hours before our naked, sweaty
bodies separated and I came back to reality. The way I’d responded to him amazed
me. I couldn’t even call what Jessica and I had done together sex. He took his time
with me, allowing my body to open up to him, to submit and become his. I could still
feel his lips on every inch of my skin. I couldn’t believe I’d resisted him for
so long. At the same time, I tried to ignore the voice in the back of my head screaming
at me in disgust. No matter how much I’d wanted to be with Kevin, being gay was
still not something that set well with me.

“Do me a favor,” he said, breaking the
silence.

“Mmmm.” I hummed into his chest, trying
to quiet the noise in my head.

“Don’t ever pull a stunt like the one
you did with Beth again.”

“What?” I asked stupidly, knowing exactly
what he had said and what he meant by it.

“You heard me.”

I curled tighter into his body, trying
to play off what I was feeling. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. Got your attention,
didn’t it?” In truth, I hadn’t planned on doing what I did, but I couldn’t stand
his coldness anymore. In a split second, I’d decided to cross his line, become the
alpha and challenge him to his territory. I knew he wouldn’t be okay with me taking
control. It wasn’t until I was halfway through my stupid plan that I realized what
I was doing. It wasn’t just about him and me; I was hurting Beth. But when I saw
him and the emotion burning in his eyes, I knew I couldn’t back off. I had what
I wanted and, like chasing a high, I wasn’t going to stop until I got more.

The night he hit me I’d made a mistake.
As I watched him the following weeks, I began to realize I needed him in my life.
I didn’t care if it was wrong. I was addicted to him. I couldn’t help it.

“I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go there
again, got it?”

“What’s your problem? I’ve seen you
do a lot worse,” I said, trying to deflect the guilt I felt. Kevin did do a lot
worse, but I couldn’t help thinking of how disappointed Jason would be, and I knew
I was going to have to figure out a way to apologize to Beth. He tensed beneath
me, and I noticed his hand twist and clench the blanket.

“That’s the point. That wasn’t you out
there. That was me. You’re better than that. Don’t fucking sink to my level.”

I looked at him evenly and saw that
his face was tight with control. He actually meant what he said.

“Hey, okay. I’m sorry. I know it was
wrong. I promise I won’t do it again.” I hesitated, wondering if I dared continue.
“Can you promise me the same?” At his look of shock, I almost laughed. “I know you’ve
got your rep to protect, but if I can’t be a jerk then neither can you.”

His tension started to waver. He flipped
me on my back as his lips began to kiss their way up my abdomen and my body shivered.

 “Quit making deals. You made me wait
far too long for this, so be quiet and let me play,” he whispered before finding
my lips and deepening his kiss while my back arched up to connect with his body.
His hand gently moved down my chest and then stopped abruptly as he rolled off the
bed, smiled and pulled on a pair of jeans. My body immediately protested.

“You’ve got to be kidding!” I blurted
out before I realized just how desperate I sounded.

He got his self-satisfied grin. “Afraid
not. Now get ready to go. If we hurry, we might actually be able to make it to school
before lunch ends. Don’t want to be accused of disappearing again, do we?”

Kevin

The boy could fuck. His appetite was
insatiable, and what they say about the quiet ones being wild in bed wasn’t far
off. Once he got a taste of what I could give him, there wasn’t any location, time
or place that was off limits. From sneaking away to the bathrooms at school to risky
rendezvous at Zarahemla, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Even though
I could feel there was a part of him that still hated himself, he didn’t deny his
body what it longed for.

We settled into a routine more quickly
than either of us expected. I was surprised at how easy it was to be with him. I’d
always assumed that once my goal was met, it would take work to keep him coming
back, but he seemed to genuinely want to spend time with me, even when we weren’t
fucking. For the first time since I could remember, I actually slept at night. I
didn’t pace, go check on the guys, or venture to the clubs.

My father was out of town, and since
the weather was so damn cold I’d snuck the guys in the side entrance of my house
to avoid the neighbors noticing. When Rick got a call from Jessica and went out
back to talk, we were all stoned, listening to music and playing video games. When
he didn’t come back in for a while, I went to check on him and found him smoking
on the patio. Living up on the benches of the Wasatch Mountains provided my house
with a killer view of the entire city. Glancing to the left, I could just barely
make out his roof several houses away, shielded by the trees and the nighttime.
Directly below my backyard was Jeremy’s. Our hill, overgrown with scrub oak, sloped
down 'til it met the fence that separated our properties. I followed his yard with
my eyes until I found his room. Jeremy had texted me, letting me know he wasn’t
going to be able to make it. I wondered what was going on in his little world below
mine that had kept him from being where he was supposed to be.

“Everything okay?” I asked as I wrapped
my arms around Rick from behind, gently pulling him to the opposite side of the
house with me.

“Fine,” he said, smashing out his smoke
as we went. “She just wanted to say hi.” My lips descended on his, listening carefully
for any noise that might disturb us. “I was hoping you’d come find me,” he whispered
as I bit down gently on his neck. Being around the side of the house would allow
me the chance to disengage from any compromising position we might get ourselves
into before anyone would find us.

“Is that why you stayed out here in
the cold so long?”

“I figured you could warm me up.”

“I’ll do more than warm you up.” Knowing
time was precious, I aggressively pulled at his pants, wanting immediate access.
He wasted no time helping with mine; however, my instincts were finely tuned, and
at a slight sound I pushed him gently back against the wall and raised my finger
to my lips to keep him quiet. As I yanked up my pants and buttoned them with one
hand, I found a smoke, snapped it three-quarters of the way down and lit it just
as I stepped around the corner to find Mike lighting up his smoke.

I leaned quietly against the wall, noting
that he hadn’t seen me appear. When he finally caught site of me in his peripheral
vision, he did a double take and a startled breath clued me that he was indeed surprised
to see me.

“I wondered where you went to,” he said
smoothly. “Is Rick out here?”

“Haven’t seen him,” I said, blowing
the smoke out of my nostrils.

“Didn’t he come out here to talk to
Jessica?”

“I guess.”

“Bet he decided to go next door and
bang her. Bet'cha we don’t see him again tonight,” he laughed knowingly.

I didn’t respond, letting him take his
story where he wanted. It had been a close call, but I was the master of avoiding
close calls with my father. I hoped Rick overheard what Mike had said and would
take off. It was as good an alibi as any, and I knew damn well he’d be back in my
bed as soon as the guys left. This was our new normal.

Rick

I surprised myself. I knew I was doing
something wrong, but I’d become addicted to what Kevin did to me, and I was actually
beginning to think it wasn’t all a game for him either. He was still Kevin, and
I wasn’t stupid, but it was crazy how easy it was to see through his façade as each
day went by.

After a particularly cold January night,
he’d called it quits early and sent the guys on their way. Afterwards, we sat on
the couch in his front room, all the lights off, looking out his big picture window
at a raging storm. The snow blanketed everything and gave a false sense of peace.
We both knew the world was anything but peaceful. But, alone with the snowstorm,
we could almost pretend. I brushed my finger against his jaw line and whispered,
“This one’s new.”

He reached up and held my fingers gently
against the purpling bruise. “Yeah, right before you guys got here.” He left his
hand on top of mine.

“He usually avoids your face.”

“Guess he forgot,” he replied distractedly.

“What happened?”

He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. “You
know, I’m not sure what set him off this time. Probably just wanted to get in a
good one before leaving town.”

I nodded slightly, knowing that his
dad laid into him far more than mine did me, and often without any reason.

He asked me quietly, “Have you ever
thought of getting outta here?”

“What’d you mean? Like out of Utah?”

He nodded as he tipped a beer into his
mouth. The way his lips wrapped around the head of the bottle caused me to flush
immediately. He noticed and winked.

“Well, yeah, all the time,” I answered,
though the thought of leaving Emma behind sent a stab of pain to my stomach.

“Where do you wanna go?” he said, staring
into the darkness like he was searching for a road that would take him away.

“I don’t know, California, New York.
What about you? Do you wanna leave?”

“Fuck, yes,” he said shortly. After
a moment of thought he added, “I think I could do New York, maybe even California.
I guess anywhere would be better than here.” He took another drink. “I might even
try to find my mom.”

“Wow! Do you know where she is?” I asked.

“No. Pretty sure she went off the grid
so he couldn’t find her.”

“And you haven’t seen her since she
left?”

“Nope,” he said, and I could feel his
body tense.

“Why do you want to find her if she
abandoned you like that?”

I could hear the defensiveness in his
voice when he replied, “Because I know what it feels like to be willing to do damn
near anything to get away from him.” He paused again. “Why do you want to go to
New York? California, I get. But New York?”

Without much hesitation, I replied,
“Guitar.” It was only after it came out of my mouth that the thought of him giving
me a hard time occurred to me.

“Guitar?” he asked, surprised.

“Yeah, I play. They have a good scene
in both places,” I said, watching nervously for his reaction.

“Really? Since when do you play?” he
asked with a genuine smile that eased my nervousness.

“Since forever.”

“How do I not know this?”

“You don’t know everything.”

“Sure I do.” He flashed a smirk that
caused butterflies in my stomach. “But seriously, you play?”

“I used to, but my dad put a stop to
it that first time he hit me.”

“Uh-huh.”

 “He found the guitar Jason bought for
me. I haven’t seen it since.”

“So, that’s what set him off. You think
he tossed it?”

“I’m sure. I asked about it once and
got pounded on. Been too scared to ask since.”

“What a fucker.”

“I hate him,” I said bitterly. “Losing
that guitar hurt more than any of the beatings.”

“Really?” he asked, surprised at my
anger.

“Yeah, it meant a lot to me.” Immediately
my thoughts became crowded with Jason, and I shifted on the couch, feeling anxious.
For the most part, I had become able to think of Jason without crippling side effects,
but there were moments when it still felt like my heart was being crushed.

Kevin reached out and gently placed
a hand on my back. “You should get a new one, get back into it.”

“Yeah? And how do you think that will
go over with my dad?”

“You can practice here, leave it in
my closet and write me some cheesy bullshit song.”

“Yeah maybe.” I could almost hear Jason
saying the same words to me. The similarities were too much for me to handle. “What
do you want to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like college or a job.”

“Don’t really know.” He took his hand
from my back and sipped on his beer. “Haven’t thought about it much.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve always just focused on getting
through each day.”

“Why not think about being a shrink?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, you’re pretty good at the head-game
thing,” I said. He glanced at me, and when he saw my smile, he laughed.

“Yeah, I’m kinda good at that, aren’t
I?”

“Well, you seem to be able to read people
fairly well. You should use that,” I said more seriously.

“I don’t know, seems like too much work.
I’d have to go to college and all that.”

“You don’t want to go to college?” I
asked, surprised. I’d been brought up that the next step after high school was college.
That was all there was to it.

“No, don’t really think it’s something
I wanna do. That’s what my father wants, not me. You thinking about college?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Why?”

“Never really thought about it much,
just what I know is supposed to happen next.”

“Don’t know the next step for me. Traveling
maybe. I wouldn’t mind seeing the world. Maybe someplace like Japan. That’d be cool.
I just don’t see myself staying in one place for very long.”

“That’s something I like about music.
I can see it taking me to a lot of new places.”

We stopped talking, the mood suddenly
changing as our eyes settled into each other.

“I want…” but didn’t finish. He smiled,
his eyes traveling to my lips. He didn’t move, knowing what I wanted but making
me go after it.

“Yeah?” he smirked at me. He knew I
still found it hard to initiate things. I moved in cautiously, slowly. My lips brushed
against his, and I saw him grip the beer bottle tighter, but other than that, his
body barely moved. I kissed him slowly, tasting the tobacco and beer on his lips.
It only lasted a few moments, but it took my breath away. As I pulled back, he smiled.

“Nice,” he said quietly. I settled in
against him, both of us staring into the storm. “I wonder if there’s a place for
us? You know, where we could just….” he trailed off.

I didn’t respond; it was rare to hear
Kevin talk about us. “I mean, think about it, where we could kiss and hold hands
without caring.” He leaned in, bending his head and kissing me again. He shifted
his weight and wrapped his arm around me. “A world where these feelings aren’t wrong,”
he continued, his mouth taking more control of mine. “A place where people aren’t
scared of what this means.” He smiled and kissed me again. I wrapped my arms around
him and let my body surrender to his. “What we have is too good for this world.”

I gasped against him. He’d never spoken
about what we did together with such gentleness and I longed to believe what he
was saying. Usually things were so intense and almost desperate. As he brushed his
lips against mine, they felt like feathers lightly dancing across my skin.

He put his beer bottle down, reaching
out to pull the blinds shut. His body covered mine like a blanket of snow, completely
smothering out anything other than the peace and passion I felt with him.

Between the memories of Jason and Kevin’s
unexpected gentleness, I cried as he made me come, overtaken with powerful emotions.
At first I was mortified, but he immediately took me into his arms and tightly held
me against his body as the tears fell.

Kevin

I didn’t know the first thing about
buying a fucking guitar, but there I was at Riverton Music trying to pick out something
he’d like. I tried my damnedest to ignore the fact that I was planning on giving
him this shit, lessons and all, for Valentine’s. I wondered when I’d become such
a fucking sap. But hell, the way he’d looked when he talked about playing, I knew
I had to do everything I could to keep him looking like that. I tried to tell myself
that it was all part of my plan to keep him quiet, but I knew damn well he wasn’t
ever going to tell anyone.

I packed the shit into my car after
telling the clerk to give me the best acoustic in my price range, the case and all
the other shit he’d need.

Rick had made it clear that he wanted
me to leave him alone for a few days—which pissed me the fuck off—so he could work
on college applications. More than once I'd considered dropping by to say hi but
knew it would just lead to us in bed, and he really needed to focus. At the insistence
of my father I’d submitted my applications early. By the time my father realized
I wasn’t actually going, I’d be eighteen, and he wouldn’t have a say anymore.