Violence Begets... (7 page)

Rick

Once my dad got a taste for his new
form of punishment, he wasn’t shy about delivering it when Emma and Sylvia weren’t
around. On one particular morning a couple of weeks later I was surprised to find
him at the breakfast table. I fixed myself some toast and orange juice and sat silently
as he read his paper. I took larger-than-normal bites of my toast, wanting to get
going before he had a chance to get upset with me. Halfway through my second piece,
he spoke.

“I got a call from your school yesterday,”
he said, his eyes still on his paper as he put his cigarette out in the ashtray
on the table.

“And?”

“And,” he said carefully, folding up
the pages in front of him, “it seems you’ve been missing a lot.”

“I haven’t,” I said, feeling my chest
tighten.

“Don’t lie to me,” he said, standing
abruptly. In seconds, he had hit me, and I fell backwards with the chair, crashing
to the kitchen floor.

“They’re wrong,” I stammered, trying
to get up before he got to me, but I wasn’t fast enough. He unbuckled his belt and
in one amazingly fluid motion, tore it off, grabbed my bicep and threw me against
the wall just as the first lash of the belt sliced into my skin. The sound of it
alone, even without the pain that accompanied it, was shocking. I felt the length
of the belt first as it cut into my back and then the tip of it as it wrapped around
my side, finishing out like the whip of a snake tail. My back felt like I had just
been thrown on a scalding stove, and my legs nearly dissolved underneath me. He
ripped my shirt off to give him access to my naked skin. The leather bit into my
flesh and I cried out. My body jerked involuntarily as my muscles fought to ward
off the onslaught of pain. The tears crashed out of my eyes, falling into small
circles on the tile floor beneath me.

I couldn’t tell where each lash hit,
and my whole body screamed out in misery. One wild swing connected across the side
of my face and the ringing in my ears drowned out the sound of the cracking leather.
Somehow, my own sobs grew louder as I cried out again and tried to crumple to the
floor, but this only seemed to spur him on. He picked me up and held me against
the wall while he yelled about school and lying. For a moment, he discarded his
belt in a heap like a coiled snake as he used his fists to pound my body, then threw
me against the kitchen table and warned me to stay upright as he started in with
the belt again. I held on to the sides of the table, trying to hold my weight. My
legs would no longer support me. The remainder of my toast lay next to my head,
and I could smell the butter on it. After several devastating thrashings, my muscles
finally gave way, and I sank to the floor again.

He got off a few more good blows, then
left, mumbling something about me getting ready and he’d better not get a call saying
I wasn’t in school. I almost laughed at the thought of me trying to make it to class.

I couldn’t say how long it was between
my cell phone going off and the knock at the front door. I prayed it wasn’t the
guys. Angry that I was being forced to move at all, I held my breath, grimaced through
the pain and the tears, and pushed myself into a sitting position against the wall.
If they came in, I couldn’t let them see me curled up like a baby. I’d never be
able to explain it.

“Rick?” I heard Kevin call from my bedroom.
The front door must have been locked. “Rick, you still here?”

Please don’t let the guys be with him,
I thought.

“Rick, we were supposed to meet at Zarahemla
this morning. Going downtown, remember?” I heard him calling through the house.
“You can’t get out of it. You better not be sleeping somewhere or I’ll kick your
ass. And I know you didn’t go to school.” He rounded the corner into the kitchen,
alone. In moments he took in the scene—the chairs toppled over, my shirt in pieces,
the blood and then me.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” I whispered
hoarsely. I hated the way he was staring at me. “You got it bad too,” I pushed out,
commenting on a few new bruises on his face. I was trying to push the focus back
on him. He didn’t bite.

“Jesus, Rick. What’d he do to you?”
he said, kneeling beside me. “Come on. Get to the couch.” He helped me as I settled
heavily but painfully onto my stomach. Most of the lacerations were on my back,
and my stomach was the least painful position to be in. Similar to the first time
he’d found me wrecked after my dad had gotten hold of me, he started to clean me
up. Of all the people to see me messed up, it had to be him.

“What set him off this time?” he asked
angrily.

“Skipping school. He got a call about
me not being in class.” I winced as he pressed a damp rag against my back.

“Shit, I should’ve seen that one coming.
I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“And just how do you plan on stopping
him?”

“Not him, the school. I can make sure
he doesn’t get any more calls.”

“How?”

“I have my ways.”

Kevin

What the fuck? Why couldn’t he keep
his ass out of trouble? If he'd stop getting his ask kicked, I could stop taking
it easy on him.

As if reading my mind, Rick said, “I
wish I could just figure out what would keep him away from me.”

Contradicting
my own thoughts, I murmured, “It’s not your fucking fault.” And I actually believed
what I was telling him. It wasn’t his fault his dad was such a dickhead.

“But
there must be something I can do to make him stop. I know I deserve it but…”

“Knock
it off. Just fucking deal with what he’s doing for a few more years until you can
move out. Until then, suck it up.” I didn’t like the way I felt inside. I was actually
worried about him.

“I
wish he was more like your dad.”

I
almost laughed out loud. “My father’s an ass. We put on a good front.” More than
once it’d occurred to me that my father somehow knew I was gay. Maybe that was why
he rode my ass so hard, but there was no way in hell I was going to tell Rick my
thoughts on the topic.

“He
always seems so nice to me.”

“He’s
really strict.”

“I
just wish it all would stop.”

“Things
are the way they are, and you just have to deal with it.”

“Why
do you always help me when he goes off on me? Why not just walk away?”

I
was surprised by his bluntness but shouldn’t have been.

“You
treat me different than you treat the others….”

“I
don’t,” I said indifferently, but he was right and would’ve been an idiot not to
pick up on it.

“You
don’t think so?”

“No,
but if you do, I can try harder to treat you the way I treat everyone else.” Helping
him with his dad was one thing, but letting him get too close to me and my life
was not an option. When he didn’t reply, I finished cleaning him up without further
comment. Again, I spouted off some things he could do for the pain and helped him
to his room before disappearing out his window.

Needless to say, I never made it downtown
with the guys. And try as I might, I couldn’t shake the image of his dad railing
on him. By the time the sun had set, my thoughts had turned dark. I hated it, but
there wasn’t a refuge from it. There were times when the control, alcohol, drugs
and sex simply weren’t enough to block out the night that swallowed my thoughts.
Shot after shot of the whiskey only intensified the despair. I stumbled through
the black streets, seeking out the company of the dark night. The pain was a blur
but was still sharp enough to cut holes in my stomach. I wanted to drink until my
body couldn’t function and I slipped into blackness. This was Rick’s fault. His
weakness was becoming my own. The darkness I held at bay was clawing its way back
to consciousness.

I had enough sense to make it to Zarahemla
and start a fire in the fire pit. Here I could slip into oblivion and not be disturbed.
Drink more, stop the knife, stop the darkness, more alcohol, less thought. I fell
clumsily to the dirt and stared at the ceiling, which slipped into doubles and triples.
The booze made the coldness of the night disappear. Dark, so dark! I curled into
a ball. My world spun and my stomach churned. Drunken sleep crawled over my body.

I woke because it was so damn cold.
I was fucking freezing and sick. I rolled over and the last of the alcohol from
the night before came up. I threw up for several minutes before I could even bring
myself to open my eyes. I reached for my flask and found it empty, so I searched
Zarahemla for the water bottle of alcohol and found it hidden beneath some floorboards.
Fuck this cold. I popped open the top and grimaced as I shot several squirts down
my throat.

Sitting against the wall, I lit a smoke
and waited for the hangover to numb. The dark memories of the night before seemed
like a distant nightmare. The knife in my stomach was gone. My body ached, but I
knew I had to get home and get into a hot shower. Passing out in a fucking barn
in the middle of February was a stupid-ass thing to do.

“Where were you this morning?” Jeremy
asked at lunch.

“None of your business,” I said irritably,
and he dropped the subject.

As we headed to the catwalk for our
after-lunch smoke, my patience grew thin. I had no desire to put up with their incessant
chattering. I let them walk ahead of me a bit, then quietly ducked away. I wasn’t
in the mood for explanations.

I walked home. After changing out of
my clothes and swapping coats, I let myself in the front door. I stretched out on
my couch and flipped the TV on. With any luck I’d be able to catch a quick nap and
sleep off the remains of the bad night before my father got home. I was pissed that
the pain had gotten to me so much. It wasn’t very often I lost control, but when
I did, it took no prisoners. Hell, if I couldn’t control my own emotions, how was
I supposed to stay in control of everything else? It was exhausting.

“What’s going on with you?” My eyes
shot open to find Rick standing in my front room. I restrained the urge to jump
up and slam my fist into him. It was fucking stupid to surprise me. Not only had
he been able to follow me, but he’d been able to walk into my house and sneak up
on me. I was dangerously off my game, but I strangled these emotions and barely
twitched a muscle as he walked towards me.

“What’s it to you?” I said with a warning
tone.

He hesitated but continued, “Well, something’s
obviously wrong with you.” He came and sat at the other end of the couch. “I mean,
you’re not the nicest guy in the world, but today you're just being an ass.”

“Again, what’s it to you?” He was obviously
weighing the risk of proceeding. He’d become increasingly bold with me when we were
alone, and I wanted to see how far he dared push me.

“You’ve helped me out a lot with my
dad. Just figured if there was something I could help you out with, I kinda owe
ya.”

I admired him for his guts. Flat out
calling me ‘not a nice guy’ was pretty ballsy. I watched him weigh his words carefully.
He was becoming more like me, and I hated to punish him for that.

“I’m fine, just hung over.”

“You’re always hung over, so why is
today so different?” Damn, he wasn’t letting up very easily. I felt like giving
him a left hook because he was half the problem, but again, I felt bad for him after
seeing what his dad had done to him the day before, so I tried to go easy on him.

“Just had a long night. It’s really
not a big deal. Have a lot going on.”

“Like?”

“Don’t want to talk about it.”

Rick waited. Now that he’d seen I wasn’t
going to push back very hard, he was going to take as much as he could get.

“There’s a lot you’ll never know about,
Rick.”

“Why is that? Because you don’t trust
anyone?”

I stared at him for a moment. “And what
makes you think that?”

He became uneasy, debating how much
he should say. He absentmindedly tore at one of his fingernails. Not looking at
me he said, “I’m not stupid. I’m not like the others. It’s not hard to figure out,
Kevin.”

I wondered exactly what he’d figured
out. Had he guessed about my other life? He couldn’t have. I was too careful.

“And what have you figured out, Mr.
Smart Guy?” I asked, masking the tension I felt with sarcasm.

“Nothing really,” he said quickly, “just
that there’s a lot more to you than you let others see, that’s all.”

He wouldn’t look at me. I watched his
face and his body language to see if he was lying to me, to see how much he really
had figured out. He leaned back on the couch, watching TV. He was done. He’d said
his part, and now he was going to drop it, but I wondered if I really wanted him
to drop it. He was the first one to ever really challenge me. I appreciated the
game, but he had been getting too close. It was smart for him to back off before
I had to make him.

Rick

I woke up screaming his name over and
over, thrashing so hard that I fell out of bed, tangled up in my sheets. A cold
sweat had plastered my t-shirt to my body and I tore at its suffocating pressure,
throwing it across the room. Focusing my breathing, I curled up in a ball on the
floor as I glared at the clock on my nightstand. It was hours before I had to be
up. I was only aware that I’d fallen asleep again when I jolted awake with images
of Jason’s disfigured body tormenting my mind.

I stood, angrily throwing my disheveled
blankets on the bed. I strangled the urge to start throwing anything I could get
my hands on. Instead, as my anger and frustration fought for release, I hurled fists
into my pillows and blankets. Collapsing on my bed, grief overtook the anger as
I clenched and coiled myself into the blankets, attempting to control the anguished
sobbing as it ripped through my body.

I tossed and turned relentlessly, fading
in and out of sleep. I wasn’t sure if I was awake, or if I was lost in despairing
nightmares as Sylvia and Emma got ready and left for the day. Exhausted and emotionally
drained, I barely had the energy to turn off my alarm clock when it finally alerted
me to the coming day. In a haze of sadness, I went through the motions of showering
and getting dressed, successfully avoiding my dad and escaping the morning without
running into him.

I got to the corner before the rest
of them and lit up. I thought about calling Jessica, but knew she’d be in the dance
class she took most mornings before school. Again, Jason ruthlessly overtook my
thoughts.

“What’s it about the guitar that you
like so much?” he asked me.

“Not sure really. I think it’s ‘cause
I don’t have to be here when I’m playing.”

“What do ya mean?”

“Well, when I’m lost in the music, I
don’t really remember all that I hate about this life.”

“Come on, Rick, this life isn’t all
that bad.”

“Yeah, not for you. You’re the all-American
son, star quarterback, hot girlfriend, dad’s hero.” He looked hurt at my assessment.
“You’re also my big brother and my hero, and I couldn’t imagine my life without
you. But to dad, I’m the one who killed mom.”

“Now stop that, you didn’t kill mom!
You were born and that’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I remember mom,
and she’d be proud of you. She’d be even more proud if you would embrace your talent.
Stop using her as an excuse.”

“Whatever!” I shrugged indifferently.

“I’m serious. What happens when my football
days are over? You’re the smart one, the one with an actual future. I’m gonna blow
my knee out at twenty, and then I’m done. I’ll have nothing.”

“If that were at all true, then why
can’t dad just accept me and be proud of what I can do?”

“To hell with dad, Rick! I’m tired of
you making excuses. This is what you were born to do. This’s what you want to do
with your life. I’m tired of hearing that you don’t want to do it. Quit using mom
or dad as an excuse. Now, we’re going to figure out how to make this happen for
you.”

“Yeah, like he’d ever let that happen.
He won’t let me do anything even closely related to my music.”

“No, but I would.”

“I know that, but still there’s dad
to deal with.”

“What if I helped you? Between the two
of us we could get around dad and Sylvia.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like signing up for guitar lessons
or something like that.”

“I don’t know Jas. If dad ever found
out he’d disown me.”

“Well, if that happens, then I’ll tell
him it was my idea.”

“Yeah, and he’d believe that,” I said
sarcastically.

“So what? He won’t have a choice, and
it really is my idea. He won’t get mad at me. You know that. I’ll take the heat.”

“I know he’ll just turn it around and
figure out a way to take it out on me.”

“What do you have to lose? If he finds
out, then he’ll be mad. And if he doesn’t, he’ll still be mad, and he’ll just find
something else to get on your case for. At least this way you’ll get something good
out of it.”

He
had a point. “And you think we can pull it off?”

“You find the class you want to take
and I’ll do the rest. Don’t worry, Rick. Things will turn out just fine.” He wrapped
his arm around my shoulder. With him in charge, I knew things would be fine.

“Hello?” I spun to find Kevin walking
up, the completely burnt out smoke dropping from my hand. “Where the fuck were you
just then?” I was surprised to see him because he’d been gone on one of his binges
for the last three days. He usually up and disappeared for at least four or five
days.

“Oh hey, sorry. Just spacing out.” He
slowed in front of me.

“Got a smoke?” he asked. I handed him
my pack, and he tossed me one, then put the pack in his pocket. I slid it behind
my ear as he rolled his between his fingers. I’d have to bum smokes until he saw
fit to get me another pack.

“You look like shit.”

“Thanks, so do you.”

“Fuck you. What’s with the eyes?” I
knew my eyes were always a dead giveaway. No amount of eye drops and ice packs could
hide the evidence. Still, he rarely called me out on it. I wondered why he wanted
to be such a jerk. I guess I should’ve been thankful he hadn’t said something in
front of the guys.

“Didn’t sleep well.”

“I got that. Why?” He could be ruthless
when he wanted to. I was never good at lying, especially to him. So I opted for
the truth.

“It’s none of your business,” I said,
meeting his stare and not backing down.

“Excuse me?” he said as he stepped menacingly
towards me.

“I mean it.” He could do what he wanted.
I wasn’t going to tell him about Jason.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

I watched, mesmerized, as the muscles
in his face tightened one by one, then moved to his neck, down his arms, his hands
finally clenching into fists. He was so controlled, even in his anger. I waited,
thinking about the first time he’d climbed through my window. He'd had a point to
make then, and I’d always left my window unlocked after his visit. Now all I could
think about was how, after he’d left me lying on the floor that night, I’d thought
about that pain, not about Jason. I didn’t want to think about Jason anymore.

“Do it,” I breathed when he didn’t take
a swing.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” he
said after a moment of hesitation, stepping back instead.

“Do it,” I said more forcefully and
took a step towards him. His body tensed, and he was ready to hit me when Jeremy’s
voice broke through the tension.

“Hey guys,” he said casually. Kevin
shot a look at him and quickly turned his back on both of us. I shifted uncomfortably
and tried my best to smile.

“Uh, everything ok?” Jeremy asked. We
obviously hadn't fooled him.

“Fine,” I said, smiling again. “Just
tired.”

“Yeah?” He looked from my red eyes to
Kevin’s shoulders hunched around his cigarette as he fought with his lighter. As
usual, within seconds Mike and Brett arrived on Jeremy’s heels.

“Whoa, what’s up here?” Brett asked,
picking up on the tension immediately.

“Fuck this bullshit!” Kevin said as
he threw his lighter, which was obviously still giving him trouble. He held out
his hand to me. “Give me your fucking fire.”

I fumbled in my pocket and pulled mine
out, which he anxiously grabbed from me before I could hand it to him. I noticed
that his hand was shaking. He turned his back again and tried to light the smoke
but still couldn’t. I pulled out the one from behind my ear and lit it with Mike’s
lighter as we started walking. Within seconds he had grabbed the smoke out of my
hand and walked ahead of us.

Mike always had the ability to be goofy
and lighten a mood, and he worked his magic. By the time we reached the catwalk,
I was feeling better, and we were all ignoring Kevin. He pulled himself up and sat
on one of the railings, his legs stretched across the walkway and his boots balanced
on the other railing.

None of us noticed the teacher enter
the catwalk until it was too late. I was standing between Kevin and Mike and was
shocked when Kevin reached in his pocket, pulling out his smokes—which had been
mine earlier—and a bag of weed, slamming them into Mike’s hand.

“They’re yours,” he said, his chilling
tone threatening Mike without looking at him. I watched the panic register on Mike’s
face as he looked down at what he held. He glanced nervously between the teacher
who was still descending on us and Kevin, then to me. It was a no-brainer for me.
One look at Kevin and I would’ve taken my chances with the teacher.

I shouldn’t have been surprised, but
I was. Kevin had been showing such a different side to me when the guys weren’t
around, but I couldn’t let myself forget what he was capable of.

“Messed up,” I mumbled under my breath,
and for the second time that day I saw his controlled anger fall into place.

They got busted. Kevin and I didn’t
because we didn’t have anything on us. For once, I was thankful he'd been a jerk
and had taken my smokes. Mike was suspended and grounded for a month because of
the pot, but Brett and Jeremy got off easier because they only had smokes. Kevin
explained to Mike later that he’d already been busted with weed twice, and that
the third time meant juvie. I didn’t buy it. I didn’t think Kevin was ever stupid
enough to get caught once, let alone twice. While Mike was locked away in his house,
Kevin kept the flow of smokes, alcohol, and weed in full supply. By the time Mike
had served his time, he wasn’t holding any grudges.

*****

The end-of-school party was at Kari’s
house, and Kevin didn’t bother to show up. Everyone was so much more laid back without
him around. Brett and I were even getting along okay. The best part of the night
was having Jessica at my side.

Talk of being seniors and ruling the
school dominated the conversations. At one point, Brett and Mike got into it about
escargot. Brett swore up and down that people in France actually ate snails. Mike,
of course, dared Brett to eat one and Brett went out in the backyard and actually
found a handful of snails. He brought them back in and boiled the things. Then to
everyone’s disgust he plopped two on a cold piece of pizza and ate them, shell and
all. It was completely disgusting, and he had everyone rolling with laughter.

The beers went down smoothly, and Jessica
and I smoked a joint together. It was such an easy night, no tension, no walking
around afraid of pissing Kevin off. At the same time, I knew I wouldn’t have any
of this without him. He could have just as easily cast me out, since he'd made me
part of this group in the first place.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Jessica asked,
lacing her fingers around my neck.

“Nothing.” I smiled for emphasis. “Just
thinking about next year. It’s gonna be great.”

“Hey, I was thinking,” she began, then
hesitated. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I want to see other people.”
My heart stopped in my chest.

“What? Why?”

“No, I mean, I still want to see you
but, you know, we’re young. I’m not really the 'settle down' kinda girl. I’d like
to be open to dating other people.”

“Is there someone else?”

“No, silly, but you know me. Free love
and all that. Life’s so beautiful and there’re so many people we can share our hearts
with. I just don’t want to limit either of us to only each other. I’m completely
into you…”

“You mean, like an open relationship
or something?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Wow!” I almost laughed. I never thought
I’d be having this conversation with a girl. Wasn’t it always the guy who wanted
to do that kind of thing?

“I’ve been upfront with you all along,"
Jessica continued. "I don’t want to ever settle down with one person. It’s
just not me. I still want to see you, but I just want to make sure you know that
I’m going to keep seeing other people as well. I’m going to let my heart be open
to everyone, not just you.”

“I get it. I guess I’m cool with it,”
I said, surprising myself. I’d always been attracted to her open spirit. She was
kind and loving towards everyone, and I liked that. Who was I to try to take that
away from her?

“Good!” she said, smiling broadly. “Then
I say we disappear for a while.” She tugged at my hands, pulling me up off the couch.
Leading me into a spare bedroom, she kissed me lightly as we fell onto the bed together,
but when she tugged at my shirt, I threaded my hands through hers, guiding them
away.

“Why won’t you ever take your shirt
off?”

“I’ve told you, self-conscious.”

“But, it’s me. Are you going to leave
it on the whole time?” The way she said it made me think she was talking about going
all the way. I wondered if she meant she wanted to. I couldn’t take my shirt off,
not with what my dad had left.