Thoughtless (55 page)

441

She looked at the guys table, and noticing Kellan’s absence, immediately said, “I’m not lying for you, Kiera.” I shook my head. “No, I’m not asking you to. Just…come find me, if Denny asks…anything.”

She sighed resignedly. “Fine…make it a quickie.” I smirked at her and then smiled. “Thank you.” She nodded and went back to her work. Then making sure no one, particularly Denny, noticed, I followed Kellan to the hallway. My heartbeat increased when I saw him. He was leaning against the wall in the space between the two bathrooms - his foot against the wall, his hands in his pockets, his head turned in my direction. He smiled softly at me when he saw me and I smiled back. He reached out for my hand as I approached, and with the other, opened the women’s bathroom door. I noticed an “Out of Order” sign from the backroom taped on the door.

I pointed at it. “Did you…?”

He smiled and led me inside, and then his smile left him. “Are you going to Australia with Denny?” he asked me, as soon as the door swung closed.

My stomach clenched. “What? Where did you hear that?”

“Denny…he’s telling everyone, Kiera. What did you tell him?” His blue eyes bored into mine.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. “I’m sorry. He was asking the wrong questions. I just needed time.” I opened my eyes, feeling very stupid.

“So you told him you would leave the Country with him? Kiera, god!” He ran a hand through his hair, then pinched his nose with his fingers.

“Can’t you ever stop and think, before you just spit things out!”

“I know it was stupid, but in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to say,” I mumbled feebly.

442

“God, Kiera…did you agree to marry him too?” he asked sarcastically.

I didn’t say anything, and the sudden silence spoke volumes. Kellan raised his eyebrows at the stillness crashing around us. “Did he…did he ask you?”

“I didn’t say yes,” I whispered.

“But you didn’t say no,” he whispered back, dropping his hand from his face.

Seeing his hurt, I tried to explain. “He never really asked. He just said that when we were there…we could…like, eventually, years from now…”

He swallowed and looked at me warily. “Are you…considering it?” I took a step towards him. “I need time, Kellan,” I said softly.

“Did you sleep with him?” he whispered.

I stopped moving and blinked rapidly several times. “Kellan…don’t ask that.”

He nodded and looked away, scowling. “So, until you decide, how exactly does this work? Should Denny and I draw up a schedule?” He looked back at me, his face and voice suddenly heated. “Do I get you during the week, and he gets weekends, or should we just do the week on, week off thing? Or how about we all fuck together? Would you prefer that?” he snapped.

I walked over to him calmly, and put a hand on his cheek.

“Kellan…filter.”

He blinked at me, then smiled sheepishly. “Right…sorry. I’m just…

I’m not okay with this, Kiera.”

I kissed him softly and a tear fell from my eye. “I’m not either, Kellan.

I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to lie.

I don’t want to hurt people. I just don’t know how to choose.”
443

He gazed at me silently for an achingly long time, and then whispered,

“Can I plead my case?” He gently grabbed my head in his hands and kissed me deeply.

A light knocking filtered through the door. “Guys? It’s me…Jenny.” We both ignored her, as Kellan’s “case” got more intense. She slowly swung open the door and we still didn’t stop kissing. He even exhaled softly and kissed me deeper.

Jenny sounded a bit…uncomfortable. ”Uh…Kiera, sorry but you wanted me to find you?”

I nodded around Kellan’s lips and ran my fingers through his hair, while he smiled through his kisses. “Uh, okay…can you guys stop doing that?” She sounded a little irritated now.

Kellan mumbled a “no” and I laughed once, the sound lost in his mouth. Jenny sighed. “Okay then. Well, two things actually. One, Kellan, you’re up.”

Kellan raised his hand to her, thumb up, but never stopped voraciously kissing me. I was pretty sure Jenny was seeing way more of Kellan’s tongue than she probably wanted to, since when I smiled and laughed at his movement, he ran it across the roof of my mouth, before closing his lips around mine.

Jenny sighed again. “Second, Denny talked to Griffin.” Kellan and I broke apart at the same time and looked at her. “What?” We both said together, our momentary good humor gone.

Jenny shrugged, looking apologetic. “I tried to sideline Griffin, but Denny was talking about you having a hard time leaving your family.” She gave me an icy look. Apparently she didn’t like what I had done either. “Denny casually mentioned Anna, so naturally, Griffin told him every gory detail of their time together while she was here.” She made a face, like she had repeatedly heard every detail. My own face paled.

444

“Denny, of course, brought up Kellan and Anna, and the fight between you and Kellan in the bar.” She shook her head. “Griffin got all bent out of shape. He vehemently denied that Kellan ever slept with her.

That he actually took Anna out from under Kellan, and that…” she glanced at Kellan, who looked equally as pale as me, “Kellan was a prick for trying to…and I’m quoting here…’nab his score’.” She made another face, then looked at me sympathetically. “I’m sorry, Kiera…but Denny knows that you lied.”

I clutched at Kellan, not wanting to hear any of this. “Thank you, Jenny,” Kellan said calmly.

“Yeah…I’m sorry.” She smiled sadly, then turned and left us alone in the room.

My breathing became labored as I clutched Kellan’s shoulders. “What do we do?” I searched his face, hoping to find an answer there. My mind started spinning as Kellan watched me silently. “Okay…it’s not so bad.

I’ll just tell him that you lied to me…and Anna lied to me…and…” I looked away, thinking through the various lies to tell Denny.

“Kiera…that won’t work. He’ll just be even more suspicious, if you start saying that everyone else is lying. No lies will work, baby.” I looked up at him when he called me that, a small smile on my lips as his tender word fractionally lifted my spirits. It didn’t last though. I immediately frowned. “Then what do we do?”

He sighed and ran a finger down my cheek. “We do the only thing we can. I go on stage, and you go back to work.”

“Kellan…” That wasn’t going to solve anything.

“It will be fine, Kiera. I need to go. I need to talk to Evan before we start.” Then he kissed me softly on the forehead, and left me alone in the room, my head still spinning. Things were starting to crash down around me. I put a hand on my stomach and struggled to maintain my breath.

445

Kellan was near the stage, having a deep conversation with Evan when I reentered the bar. Evan did not look happy about whatever Kellan was telling him. Evan flicked a glance at me, then scowling, looked back at Kellan, who never turned to look at me. Eventually Kellan said something that from his stance, looked like an order. Evan finally seemed to accept it, and with one last flick of a glance at Denny, he hopped on stage.

The rest of the guys followed shortly after, and Kellan ran his hand through his hair and glancing at Denny, who happened to also look back at him, an odd expression on his face, hopped on the stage as well. The crowd went nuts for their stars, but I didn’t hear any of it. I was too busy wondering what all that had been about.

I made my way back to my section, to start helping customers, when I met Denny’s eye. He was still sitting at the band’s table, which was now filling up with female fans, and was openly scowling at me. My breath caught. He knew I lied. He was thinking, right now, about why. I intentionally kept my eyes from the stage. I tried to smile at him, but only managed a feeble grin. He didn’t smile back. His eyes narrowed and I forcefully pulled my gaze away.

Mentally, I thanked the packed bar of thirsty customers, for giving me an excuse to not have to go near his table for awhile. The band’s music started playing, but I never glanced back to the stage. I may have pulled my gaze from him, but I could feel Denny’s gaze burning into me.

Towards the end of the night, I started relaxing. Not that my stomach wasn’t churning and my head wasn’t spinning, but Denny never approached me. I eventually had to go to his table, to serve some of the females, and he only ordered another beer from me. He asked me nothing.

But his eyes said everything - he was suspicious, highly suspicious.

Later, Kellan announced that they had one more song…and it was a new one. It started with just Matt and Evan, then a few beats later Griffin came in, and Kellan started singing. His voice was low and husky. The lyrics were sad, and I discreetly watched him for a moment, before I turned to help a customer.

446

“Hi, what can I…” I couldn’t finish my question. A phrase Kellan had just sung, seeped into my brain and froze me in place, blocking out all other thoughts.

“You’re everything that I need, but I’m nothing that you need. I failed you, I
betrayed you, over and over, but you’ll be alright…when he holds you tight.”
My jaw dropped as I stared back up at the stage. This was a new song he’d been working on…and it was about him…and me.

“Miss? I said we’ll…” I ignored the customer. Kellan’s voice had picked up strength, and it was all I could focus on.

“
It’s better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie.”
But he
was
saying goodbye…in song…in front of the entire bar, in front of Denny. Kellan wasn’t looking my way. He was staring out over the crowd, not noticing any of them, focusing solely on the words.

I stood where I was, completely in shock at a customer’s table, who was still trying to get my attention. I was only a few feet away from Denny, and he had to be watching me stare at Kellan on stage, terror in my eyes and my mouth open in disbelief. Evan hadn’t wanted him to sing this, most likely because Denny was here. What was Kellan thinking?

On the second verse, I stopped caring who was watching as tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t possibly have stopped the reaction as Kellan’s voice burned through me.

“We had what we had, we did what we did…and it was amazing, something
I’ll never forget. It will hurt me, it will hurt you too. But everything ends, so
save your tears. This won’t break you. With him by your side, you’ll be just fine.

But I promise you…my love for you will never die.”
His words were beautiful and heartbreaking. He was saying goodbye, for real this time. On the second, “
I failed you, I betrayed you, over and
over…”
I felt the tears spill down my cheeks.

447

Finally, Kellan looked straight at me. He locked his intense gaze to mine and repeated the chorus, “
It’s better to never say goodbye, to just move
on, to end the lie.”
I could see a tear fall on his cheek, which he completely ignored, his voice holding steady and strong. I felt my breath choke. I felt pain rip through my stomach. I felt my heart seize, and I felt the few tears that had escaped, turn into streams running down my face.

“Miss…?”

Vague voices buzzed around me, but Kellan’s words were piercing straight through me…and they weren’t stopping. The next line,
“Every
single day I’ll keep you with me, no matter how far from me you are…”
followed immediately by another “goodbye” section, had me clutching my gut and holding a hand to my mouth, desperately trying to hold in the sob.

As the music and Kellan’s voice picked up even more, I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Not here, Kiera,” Jenny’s soft voice whispered in my ear.

I couldn’t even break myself away from staring at Kellan to look at her. Another tear fell down his cheek as he stared at me, unabashed. I didn’t know who was watching us. I didn’t know if Denny was watching us. Kellan’s face was all I could see, his heart wrenching words, all I could hear. A sob broke free.

Jenny started tugging at my arm. I stubbornly resisted her. “Not here, Kiera. Denny’s watching…not here.”

I stopped resisting and let her pull me into the kitchen as Kellan sang the last few bars,
“I promise you…my love for you will never die,”
his heartbreaking eyes watching me leave. His voice cracked just once, as I disappeared through the kitchen doors with Jenny. Immediately I started sobbing, and Jenny put her arms around me.

“It’s okay, Kiera. It will be okay. Have faith.” She repeated it over and over while she rubbed my back, and I sobbed mercilessly on her shoulder.

He was leaving…

448

When my crying spell was over, Jenny fixed my face and brought me a drink…it was not water. I sat up at the bar and downed it. Kellan watched me wistfully from the edge of the stage. I desperately wanted to run over to him, to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him, to beg him not to leave. I couldn’t do anything though, not with Denny still here watching. For the first time in my life, I wished Denny would leave.

Denny approached Kellan after his set, and asked him a serious looking question. Kellan flicked a glance over to me, and I felt my heart skip a beat. Kellan smiled casually and shook his head, clapping Denny on the shoulder. With a blank face, Denny watched Kellan shove his guitar back in his case and quickly leave the bar, risking one final glance at me as he opened the doors. I watched his fingers go to the bridge of his nose as he walked through them.

Denny sat and waited at the table solemnly, until my shift was over.

When I grabbed my things, he finally approached me. Ice flooded my veins, but he said nothing. He simply held out his hand and we walked in silence out of the bar.

Kellan was already home when Denny and I got there. His light was off when I glanced slyly at his room as we walked by, but I could hear soft music playing and knew he was awake. Denny undressed silently, occasionally giving me odd, sad glances. He hadn’t asked about catching me in my lie. He hadn’t asked about my meltdown during Kellan’s last song. But combined with my melancholy all week, Kellan’s sudden reappearance last night at the bar, and the heartfelt glances Kellan and I gave each other at the end of the night, I could feel the unasked questions in Denny’s uneasy eyes. I was terrified for the questions I felt coming closer each minute.