Thoughtless (51 page)

“So…” he asked, pulling away, all too soon.

“What?” I asked, confused and mildly irritated. I wasn’t done kissing him. I didn’t think I’d ever be done kissing him.

He half-smiled in a charming way. “Was I right? Did you use me?”

“Kellan…” Guilt flashed through me, and I looked away.

His smile left him and he very seriously said, “It’s okay if you did, Kiera. I just, I would like to know.”

I sighed. “I have always felt…something for you, but…yes, the first time I did use you, and I’m so sorry, that was incredibly wrong of me. If I’d have known that you loved me, I never would have-”

“It’s okay, Kiera.”

“No, it’s not,” I whispered, and then softly added, “The second time, I didn’t. That had nothing to do with Denny. That was about us. That was real. Every touch after that, was real.”

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“That’s surprisingly good to hear,” he whispered, not looking at me, but smiling softly, and then suddenly he frowned. “You should be with Denny…not me. He’s a good man.”

“You’re a good man too,” I said, searching his perfect, but still frowning face.

He shook his head lightly and I ran my fingers through his hair and sighed. “Don’t let our relationship, make you think that you’re a bad person. You and I are…complicated.”

“Complicated…” He repeated, cupping my cheek and running his thumb along my cheekbone. “I suppose we are.” He dropped his hand.

“That’s my fault-”

I cut him off with, “Don’t, Kellan. I’m just as culpable as you. I’ve made mistakes…”

“But,” he started to interrupt.

“No, we both messed this up, Kellan. It takes two to…you know. I wanted you just as badly as you wanted me. I needed you as much. I wanted to be near you just as much. I wanted to touch you as much. I care for you…” I couldn’t quite finish that thought, and I let it hang in the air between us, unfinished.

Tears welled in his eyes again. “I’ve never been very clear with you.

Maybe, if I had just told you that I loved you from the beginning? I’m so sorry, Kiera. I hurt you, so many times. There’s so much I wish I could take back. I-”

I stopped him with a deep kiss. I understood better now. It still hurt, but I could see just how badly I had hurt him as well. He did the only thing he knew how to do, to cope with his pain. Right or wrong, it was all he knew. He brought his hand to my cheek again and returned my kiss just as deeply, both of us forgetting for a moment, our emotional conversation.

After an eternity, that was entirely too short, he pulled back and quietly said, “We should get going.”

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“Wait, you brought me all the way up to this highly romantic…vacant…spot, and all you wanted to do, was talk?” I raised an eyebrow at him suggestively.

He grinned and shook his head. “My, my – look how I’ve corrupted you.”

I smirked and laughed.

“Come on, I’ll take us home.” He started leading me to the elevators while I pouted. Noticing my expression, he said, “Kiera, it’s getting late…well, early, and you don’t want to be late from your ball.” He frowned as he looked at me. “It’s not your carriage that will turn into a pumpkin.”

I rolled my eyes at his analogy, but he was right, I did need to get home. I pushed aside my disappointment, and my surprise that I actually was disappointed. I had kind of expected… I blushed, and didn’t bother finishing that thought.

We finished our circular walk back to the elevators, and I took one last look at the spectacular city below us and the spectacular man before me.

I smiled as he pushed the button and we waited for the doors to open.

“Fine, your loss though.” I pulled him through the now open elevator door by his t-shirt. “I’ve been told that we’re amazing,” I teased. He grinned wickedly and pulled me in for a deep kiss, as the doors closed behind us and we descended.

On our way out of the Needle, he looked over to me with a somber expression. I looked back at him curiously, and butterflies tickled my stomach. He stopped us, as we stepped up to his car, and cocked his head to the side as he regarded me.

“There is one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.” The butterflies tickling my stomach were doing somersaults now.

“What?” The word was barely more than a whisper.

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Abruptly, his grim expression changed to a wry grin and a cocked eyebrow. “I can’t believe you stole my car…really?” I laughed at my remembered joy ride…then I remembered why I had taken it, and gave him a sour face. “You had kind of deserved it at the time.” I lightly poked him in the chest. “You’re lucky it came back to you in one piece.”

He frowned as he opened my door. “Hmmmm…in the future, could you just slap me again, and leave my baby alone?” I grabbed his chin, as I put my foot in the car. “In the future, could you not go on anymore ‘dates’.”

His look was somber again, until he grinned and kissed me lightly.

“Yes, ma’am.” He lightly shook his head at me, as I sat down. I smiled to myself as he closed the door and walked around to his side of the car.

I snuggled into his shoulder as we silently drove home. The comfort of our silence was as palpable to me as the warmth of his skin as he held my hand in his. It was only now, freely touching him, freely giving myself over to him, that I could fully comprehend how much I had missed him. How severe my addiction had been. I smiled inwardly, at the memory of him saying that I was his addiction. It pleased me tremendously that we felt the same draw towards each other. Although, I still didn’t see what he saw in me.

Even after we pulled into the driveway and he turned the engine off, we stayed locked together in the car, my head on his shoulder, and his arm around my waist, pulling me in tight. Neither one of us wanted to face the cold reality of life outside this cozy vehicle.

Kissing my head, Kellan broke our comfortable silence. “I dream about you sometimes…about what it would have been like, if Denny hadn’t come back, if you were mine. Holding your hand, walking into the bar with you on my arm…not having to hide anything anymore.

Telling the world that I love you.”

I smiled and looked up at him. “You mentioned that you dreamt about me once. You never said about what though.” I kissed his cheek and
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smiled warmly at him. “I dream about you too sometimes.” I immediately blushed, remembering some of my steamier dreams of him.

“Really? Huh, we’re kind of pathetic, aren’t we?” He laughed, then noticing my blush he half-smiled adorably at me. “And what are your dreams about?”

I giggled like an idiot. “Honestly, I mostly dream about sleeping with you.”

He laughed for a good minute, while I blushed and laughed with him.

“God…is that all I am to you?” he teased, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together.

I stopped laughing and gazed at him. “No…no, you’re so much more.” My tone got serious on me.

He nodded, not laughing anymore as well. “Good, because you mean everything to me.”

Feelings flooded through me for him, and I snuggled closer and clutched his hand tightly in mine. I never wanted to leave this car. I never wanted Kellan to leave this car. But I knew we couldn’t stay like this forever.

Kellan broke through my thoughts, with a question I didn’t want him to ask. “What did you tell Denny?”

I cringed a bit, knowing my lie probably wasn’t as good as what he would have come up with. And the thought of him being the better liar, didn’t entirely thrill me. “That you slept with my sister and broke her heart. That’s believable, everyone saw you at the bar together. He seemed to buy it.”

Kellan was looking at me with his brow furrowed. “That won’t work, Kiera,” he said slowly.

My heart rate started increasing. “Yes, it will. I’ll talk to Anna, she’ll back me up. I’ve had to lie for her before. I won’t tell her why, of course…and Denny probably will never ask her about it anyway.”
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His brow still furrowed, he shook his head. “I wasn’t thinking of your sister, that’s not why that won’t work.”

I looked at him, confused, until a sudden realization hit me. “Oh god…Griffin.”

His brow furrowed more and he nodded. “Yeah…Griffin, he really does tell everyone.” His brow relaxed and he looked at me amused. “I don’t know how you managed to miss that. You’ve gotten good at tuning him out.” His amusement didn’t last long and he frowned. “When Denny hears that it isn’t true…”

“What was I supposed to tell him, Kellan? I had to come up with something.” I looked down at my hands. “You know, it’s possible that you both…”

“No.” I looked back up to where he was smiling warmly at me. “It’s not possible.” His frown returned. “Griffin is very…specific on what he tells people. It’s not just that he slept with her. It’s that he slept with her, and I didn’t, like he stole her away from me or something. He’s got this weird competitive thing-”

I cut him off. “I’ve noticed that.” I sighed and lay my head back on the seat. “God, I didn’t even think about that.” He sighed. “I can’t guarantee you anything, but I could try talking to Griffin. Maybe get him to alter the story. I’ll probably have to threaten to kick him out of the band. Actually, I may just do that anyway.”

“No!” I exclaimed, a little loudly, and I slapped a hand over my mouth and looked fearfully at the door.

Kellan looked at me oddly. “You want me to keep him in the band?” I looked at him wryly, a faint smile coming to my lips, until I remembered my real objection. “No, I don’t want him to know – ever! He won’t stay silent about that. He’d tell everyone, in horrifying detail. He’d tell Denny! Please, don’t ever-”

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“Okay.” He put his hands on my shoulders, as I was starting to panic.

“It’s okay. I won’t tell him anything, Kiera.” I breathed out in relief and he sighed again. “It wouldn’t matter anyway. He’s told too many people already.” He looked at me sadly, as he brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “I’m sorry, but Denny will find out that you lied to him…and then he’ll start to wonder why.”

I gazed up at him, swallowing roughly. ”And then what? After he knows I lied, how long do you think we have?” I asked quietly.

“How long before Denny figures out that we’ve slept together?” He grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers. “Well, if you stay out here with me all night, he’ll probably have it figured out by morning.” He chuckled and rested his cheek against my head. Sighing, he said, “I don’t know, Kiera. A few hours, maybe? A couple of days at the most.” I pulled back and looked up at him, alarmed. “Hours? But…he has no real proof. He couldn’t possibly think… ”

“Kiera…” He released my hand and stroked my cheek. “He has all the proof he needs, right here.” He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear again.

“What do we do, Kellan?” I whispered, suddenly afraid that Denny could somehow hear us, all the way out here in the car.

He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. “I can start the car, and we can be in Oregon before the sun comes up.” Run away? He wants to run away with me? My insides tightened. I could imagine it - running off into the night with him and never looking back. Giving up school, work, and my friends, everything…but leaving Denny. A sharp pain wrenched through me, and I thought I might get sick, right there in the car. The thought of never seeing him again, of never seeing those warm, brown eyes sparkling at me…

“Hey.” Kellan’s hand stroked my hair. “Breathe, Kiera, it’s okay…breathe.” He cupped my cheek as I struggled to do what he asked. “Look at me…breathe.”

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I stared into his deep blue eyes and focused only on my breathing. I hadn’t realized I was starting to hyperventilate. I shook my head, as tears started to fall. “Not like that. He’s too much a part of me. I need time. I can’t talk about this yet.” He nodded, and his eyes started to glisten. “I’m so sorry, Kellan.”

“Don’t be…” he whispered. “Don’t be sorry for loving someone.” He pulled me into his shoulder and kissed the top of my head. “Don’t worry, Kiera. I’ll think of something. I’ll fix this, I promise.”
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21

Chapter

I Love You

He held me in his arms in his chilly car, our breath making small clouds of steam but neither of us willing to leave the safety and solitude of that vehicle, and eventually the first morning rays did poke through the sky.

There was a fog in the air that hovered just above the pavement, making the entire world seem ethereal and dreamlike. I wanted this moment to be a dream, one I would never have to wake up from, but those golden morning rays brought more than just light to my world, they brought reality as well.

“You should go inside,” he whispered, hugging me tight.

I pulled back and looked at him. “What about you? Aren’t you coming?” I tried to keep the panic from my voice when I said that.

He looked at me calmly. “There’s something I need to do first.”

“What?”

He smiled, but didn’t answer my question. “Go on…it will be okay.” He kissed me softly on the lips, and then leaned way over me to unlatch the door. As I got out, he whispered, “I love you,” then he slid over to my side and tilted his head up, wanting me to kiss him again.

I nodded and bent down to softly press my lips to his, unable to speak through the lump in my throat. Then he slid back over, started the car and pulled away, while I brushed a couple of tears off of my cheeks.

Denny was sound asleep when I came into our room. Guilt flooded through me as I grabbed a change of clothes and quietly went to the bathroom to freshen up. I glanced at Kellan’s door as I finished, and had
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an odd desire to lie on his bed. I didn’t. That would be a little unexplain-able, if Denny woke up and found me there. I made my way downstairs to make some coffee, and sat at the table processing everything that had happened in the past several hours. What a difference one day can make.

I sipped my coffee and stared at the empty chair that Kellan usually sat at. Where was he? Why wouldn’t he want to spend today with me?

Denny kissed me tenderly goodbye when he came down awhile later, all ready for his normal day of work. Guilt washed through me again as his lips brushed mine. I had an odd feeling of betrayal flash through me, and not betrayal for being with Kellan, no betrayal for being with Denny.