Thoughtless (54 page)

I gaped at him, at a complete loss for words. Was he giving me an ulti-matum? Making me finally choose?

“I’m sorry. I was going to be stoic, and say nothing for as long as you wanted me, but then we made love…and I’ve, I’ve never had that…and I just can’t go back to who I was before. I want you and only you and I can’t bear the thought of sharing you. I’m sorry.” He looked down sadly.

“I want to be with you the right way – in the open. I want to walk into Pete’s with you on my arm. I want to kiss you every time I see you, no matter who’s looking. I want to make love to you without fear of someone finding out. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I don’t want to feel guilty about something that makes me feel so…whole. I’m sorry, Kiera, but I’m asking you to choose.” I continued to gape at him as tears now rolled down my cheeks. The picture he painted was so wonderful. I could see it - a future with him, a life with him. A part of me, a large part of me, wanted that. But the rest of me saw warm, sparkling brown eyes and a goofy grin. “You’re asking me to destroy him, Kellan.”

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He closed his eyes and swallowed. “I know,” he whispered. When he reopened his eyes, they were glistening. “I know. I just…I can’t share you. The thought of you with him, it kills me, now more than it ever did before. I need you. All of you.”

Panic flared through me at the thought of losing one of them. “What if I don’t choose you, Kellan? What will you do?” He looked away, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I’ll leave, Kiera. I’ll leave, and you and Denny can have your happily ever after.” He looked back at me. “You wouldn’t even need to tell him about me. Eventually, the two of you…” his voice broke and another tear fell on his cheek, “the two of you would get married, and have children, and have a great life.” I fought back a sob. “And you? What happens to you in that scenario?”

“I…get by. And I miss you, every day,” he whispered.

Finally a sob did break free, and to reassure myself that he was still here in front of me, that the horror he had described hadn’t yet happened, I grabbed his face and kissed him intensely. I felt more of his tears land on my skin as he returned my kiss just as intensely. We broke apart, breathless, and rested our foreheads together as our tears continued to fall.

“Kiera…we could be amazing together,” he whispered.

“I need more time, Kellan…please,” I whispered back.

He kissed me softly. “Okay, Kiera. I can give you time, but not forever.” He kissed me again and I finally felt my heart start to slow to normal, the ice in my belly melting. “I don’t want to hang around the house with him today. I’m going over to Evan’s.” I clutched at him, my heart racing again. Seeing my panic, he soothingly said, “I’ll see you at Pete’s tonight. I’ll be there.” He kissed me again, and started to pull away from me.

“Wait…now? You’re leaving now?” I asked in a near whine.

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He ran his hands down my hair, then brought them to my cheeks.

“Spend the day with Denny. Think about what I said. Maybe you’ll be able to…”

Decide? Decide which heart I would break? I didn’t see how I could ever decide that.

He didn’t finish his thought, he simply brought his lips to mine and kissed me for what felt like hours, but when he pulled away, it suddenly felt like mere seconds. Smiling wistfully at me, he turned and left the room, and then a few moments later, the house. I turned to stare at his full cup of coffee on the counter and wondered what I was going to do.

In the end, I laid myself down on the couch, and sobbed until sleep took me.

Hours later, I woke up feeling completely un-refreshed. Kellan’s words tumbled through my mind as I went into the kitchen to re-heat the coffee he had made earlier…before he’d abruptly left.

I looked up from pouring the coffee into my mug when I heard Denny enter the room. My heartbeat doubled at the look on his face. I had never seen such a look on his face before. He was grievous - tortured and defeated. His normally sparkling brown eyes were dead and flat. He was dressed and freshly showered, but it did nothing to make him look well and rested. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and smiling half-heartedly entered the room.

I froze at the counter watching him. What made him so sad? Did he know that I wasn’t with him last night? Did he know where I went?

Were Kellan and I not as quiet as I thought? He walked over to me and almost reached out to me, before he stopped himself. There was an odd feeling in the room. My breath started increasing in my nervousness. I knew it was odd for me not to ask him what was wrong – his crushing look would have never gone unquestioned by me before, but I just couldn’t get enough air to speak. And I was terrified to ask him.

Finally, he spoke. “You disappeared on me,” he whispered.

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My heartbeat tripled, my vision swam. Oh god, I was going to pass out right here in front of him. “What?” I unintentionally squeaked out.

“This morning.” He nodded over to the couch. “I came down earlier, and you were sleeping on the couch. I didn’t want to wake you…” My heartbeat slowed fractionally. “Oh.”

His crushed look returned, as he reached out for my hand. “Did I…do something, Kiera?”

I immediately started shaking my head, and had to swallow twice before I could speak. “No…no of course not.”

“Really? Because I feel like there’s this wall between us. We used to talk about everything. I knew almost every single thought in your head, and now, I have no clue what you’re thinking half the time.” I swallowed back the tears again.

“Will you talk to me?” His sad brown eyes searched my face for a moment, and then he pulled my arm gently, to lead me into the living room.

I begged myself to not start sobbing again, like yesterday.

We sat down close beside each other on the couch. He leaned over his knees on his elbows, then running a hand halfway through his hair, he looked over to me. “Are you happy here?” he asked softly, his accent thick with controlled emotion.

I shook my head, no, but said, “Yes.” His face looked just as confused as I felt by my odd answer.

“Is it Kellan?” he whispered, and I felt my stomach lurch like I might be sick. Was he finally asking me? I knew my face was a white as a ghost, and I felt like any second I might hyperventilate again.

“Does his lifestyle bother you that much? Do you not like being here with him as a roommate anymore?”

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I relaxed. He wasn’t asking me about an affair…he was asking me about Kellan’s women. That was the last thing Denny knew of, that had made me unhappy, that slap in the bar, but so much had changed since then. Kellan loved me, deeply loved me. And I…

“No, he’s fine. I barely see him anyway,” I said quietly, my thoughts still spinning.

“No, he hasn’t been around lately, has he?” He looked at me oddly when he said that, and I cringed that I had placed that realization in his head. I waited for the next question that could only rationally come: were you desperately sad all week because he was gone? Did you have a breakdown yesterday because he came back? Because you made love to him…and then felt guilty in my arms?

The question he did ask though, hurt worse than any of my imagined questions. “Is it me then? Are you not happy with me?” he asked so quietly, I barely heard him.

I threw my arms around him and tried to choke back a sob. “No, I love you.” My voice broke anyway. “I’m happy with you.” Don’t ask any more questions. Don’t find out what I’ve done. Don’t leave me…

He returned my hug, clutching me to him, like I was pulling away instead of pressing against him. “Then move to Brisbane with me.” I pulled back and gazed, confused, at his still flat eyes. “What?”

“When your school ends…come to Australia with me.” He almost frantically searched my face, trying to gauge my reaction.

I blinked at him in disbelief. We had never talked about moving to his homeland, merely visiting over winter break. “Why?”

“I’ve made some phone calls, there’s a really great job waiting for me there…whenever I want it. We could move there. It’s near my parents.

They would love having us close.” His accent started thickening, as he talked about his family and his home.

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“It’s so far away, Denny…” Physically, about as far away from Kellan as he could get me. “What about…my family.”

“We’ll visit as often as you want, Kiera. Holidays. Vacations.

Whatever you want, whenever you want.” He softly stroked my cheek as he spoke. I could hear the slight desperation in his tone. He really wanted this.

“Australia? I didn’t know you wanted to go back there.”

“It’s a great offer…” He looked down at the floor, before looking back up to me. “We could get married there,” he whispered.

My heart started pounding. We had never talked about marriage before either. I couldn’t say anything. A million thoughts went through my head at the same time, some about a life here with Kellan, some about a life thousands of miles away with Denny. He ran his hand through my hair as I stared at his beautiful, but sad, face.

“We could be happy…there.” He swallowed. “I could be a great husband to you. Maybe someday, a father…” his voice trailed off as my eyes started to water. I could see the picture he was painting too…and it was equally as wonderful as Kellan’s. I didn’t know how to choose. He stroked my cheek again and brought me in for a tender kiss. I closed my eyes, melted into his touch, and considered his proposal…both of them.

He brought both of his hands to my cheeks and kissed me deeply. I returned it just as deeply. Abruptly, he stood and then leaned over and picked me up. He had no problems carrying me, he was very strong, and he kissed me the entire time he took me upstairs to our room. I purposely kept my eyes closed as we passed Kellan’s.

For the first time ever in our relationship, being with Denny was…odd. There was a frenzied desperation to our lovemaking that had never been there before. It was heartfelt, it was heartbreaking. It was extreme joy, it was bone-crushing grief. It was fiery-hot, it was icy-cold. It was true love sprouting…it was true love dying. It was like we were both trying to hold onto something that was slipping through our fingers, and we didn’t understand why. I understood more than him, of
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course, but just barely. I would never fully understand how I could have ever strayed from such a warm, sensitive and caring soul.

Afterwards, he stroked my hair as I nestled into his shoulder. Guilt washed through me. This would kill Kellan. He had to have known when he left this morning, that there was at least a possibility Denny would want to…

That thought made me feel worse. Then I felt guilty for not completely loving being with Denny. I angrily brushed aside a tear. I was tired of feeling guilty. Kellan was right, one way or another, I needed to make a choice.

“Are you all right, Kiera?” Denny asked me softly.

I closed my eyes and tensed; was he finally asking me? “Yes,” I said softly.

He kissed my head. “You’ve been so sad, and yesterday you seemed so…”

I sighed softly. He
was
going to ask. “Just a bad day…no big deal.”

“Oh.” I could tell from his timbre that he didn’t believe me. “Do you want to talk about it?” His accent was getting thicker; it usually did when he was getting emotional. I needed to end this conversation.

I looked up at him and forced a smile. “No…I want to go to Australia with you.” I hated to say it, but I needed more time.

He smiled widely and kissed me deeply, all traces of our conversation forgotten.

Denny drove me to work that evening and decided to stay for the night. He had an odd happiness about him, which only made me feel worse. I had given him hope for us…and it could possibly be a false hope. I wasn’t sure yet.

I set Denny up with some food and a beer at the band’s table. My stomach was already tensed at the idea of Kellan and Denny sitting
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down together. All too soon, the band strolled into the bar. Evan and Matt came in together. Evan spotted Denny at their table and eyed me curiously, making me look down and blush. I missed seeing Griffin’s entrance, but I heard it. He yelled upon entering the bar, “The stud is here –

this party can start now!”

I rolled my eyes and looked over right as Kellan came walking through the door. I held my breath at seeing him. He still stopped my heart with his perfection. He ran his hand through his perfectly messy hair as his absurdly blue eyes locked onto mine. I mouthed a “hi” and he half-grinned at me sexily and nodded his head. He started to walk towards me, until I slightly shook my head. He cocked his head, confused, and then following my line of sight as I looked back at their table, he understood. His smile left and his eyes darkened. He looked back at me wistfully, and then turned to join the guys at his table.

I watched Kellan discreetly as I went about my night. It was difficult to do. I wanted to go over and hold him, kiss him, snuggle in his lap…but I couldn’t. Even if Denny were not sitting directly across the table from him, I couldn’t. We didn’t have that type of relationship, and that was what he wanted from me. He didn’t want to hide anymore. I didn’t either, but…I shifted my focus to Denny at the table…I didn’t want to hurt him. I couldn’t, I loved him too.

Denny was smiling, happier than I’d seen him in days. My melancholy during Kellan’s absence had affected him more than I had realized. He was excited that we had a future planned now. He was currently en-gaged in a conversation with Matt, so I shifted my focus back to Kellan.

Kellan glanced over at me, making eye contact for just a fraction of a second then looking pointedly at the hallway for only the briefest moment. Anyone looking at him wouldn’t have thought twice about the movement, he was simply scanning the room. But I knew better, he wanted to talk to me. He calmly finished his beer, then got up and made his way to the hallway. Denny watched him leave for half a second, then turned back to his conversation with Matt.

I swiftly walked over to Jenny. I didn’t have much time. “Jenny, can you-”