Thoughtless (53 page)

He put his arms around me. “Come here.” He lay down on the couch with me sideways, facing each other, his arms around me, clutching me tight. My head on his chest, my hands clutching his shirt, I sobbed until I could barely breathe. “It’s okay, Kiera. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” His voice was shaky, his accent thick with emotion, and I knew he was close to tears. He choked as he whispered, “Baby…you’re my heart.” My sobs gained in strength. I knew I was hurting him, but I couldn’t stop, the tears were relentless.

Eventually they subsided, and I felt the pull of slumber as he held me close and rubbed my back. He pulled away and stared at my half-open, tired eyes. “Kiera…?” Panic and fear flew my eyes wide open. Was this it? Was he finally going to ask me about Kellan? I couldn’t speak to answer him.

“Do you…?” He closed his mouth for a second and looked away.

Looking pained, he started again. “Do you…want a ride to work? You’re going to be late.” He looked back at me and I relaxed visibly.

I still couldn’t speak, I only nodded.

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“Okay.” He stood up and held out his hand. “Let’s go then.” We were silent on the ride over. Denny didn’t ask me about my break down, and I didn’t volunteer any information. There was nothing I could share with him anyway. There were so many secrets between us now, it was hard remembering a time when things had been simple and easy, when it had felt like pure puppy love. I suppose all love eventually comes back down to earth.

Denny decided to stay for awhile at the bar. He kept looking over at me, like he was expecting me to lose it again. My reaction earlier had brought out the caretaker in him, and I quickly realized that he was going to watch over me all night…while Kellan was here. I sighed as I went about my duties. I should have swallowed back my grief. I shouldn’t have let Denny see that. He didn’t need to, and I couldn’t explain why I had completely broken down. It was cruel to him, to keep him in the dark. And I had been cruel enough to him while Kellan was away - constantly pushing him back from me, constantly withdrawing into my hard shell of loneliness.

Kellan came in a bit before his band and Denny met him at the door.

Kellan smoothly gave him a guy hug, and they seemed to casually chat on their way to the guy’s usual table. But I caught a glimpse from Kellan directed at me, when Denny turned his head to check out a loud sound on the other side of the bar. The look of wistful passion in his eyes in that one brief glance almost had me running across the room to throw myself in his arms. I didn’t though. I had at least enough will power to not do that.

Once there, they sat next to each other, bent over in what looked to be a serious conversation. My heart sped a little, at what they might be talking about, until Kellan nodded and Denny clapped a hand on his shoulder. Then I understood. Denny was talking to him about my sister.

My heart warmed as I thought of that. Kellan hadn’t touched my sister.

He had been faithful to me. Well, okay, he hadn’t exactly been faithful, he
had
done about half of Seattle while he was “getting over me”, but she was the one he had promised me about…and he had kept that promise…and it warmed my heart.

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It was a little surprising to watch the two of them converse throughout the night. Not just that Kellan could be so carefree with the man whose girlfriend he had just bedded…repeatedly. No, it was that their friendship didn’t seem to suffer one tiny bit after the fight Kellan and I’d had –

the slap incident. I was sure Denny had chided him about it, and I was equally sure that Kellan had taken it stoically and completely backed up my story. But neither one seemed to let the incident interfere with their easy friendship. I swallowed, knowing that my choice, the one Jenny was correct in telling me I had to make, most definitely would affect their friendship. I would be the one to break them apart. That thought killed me a little.

The rest of the band finally did show up and Kellan, quite skillfully, kept Griffin away from Denny for the remainder of the evening. The two friends drank their beers, played some pool, and chatted with Matt. Evan seemed a little uncomfortable about the whole thing, and mainly spent the night flirting with a group of nearby fans. Kellan and Denny kept up their night of bonding, until eventually, the guys went on stage to play.

For the remainder of my shift, I endured wistful glances from Kellan and concerned glances from Denny, who apparently still thought I was going to break down again. Did I still look sad? Denny stayed until the final moment of my shift, and dutifully gave me a ride home. Kellan was still there, chatting (a little animatedly) with Jenny, when Denny and I left. I hoped she was being nice to him.

I thought about Kellan’s wistful, passionate glances all the way up the stairs. I thought about his warm hands as I got undressed. I thought about his hard body as I put my pajamas on. I thought about his intoxicating smell as I brushed my teeth. I thought about his insanely wonderful hair, and how amazing it felt wrapped in my fingers, as I slipped under the covers with Denny. But what kept me awake, and in a state of anxious longing, was his lips, repeating over and over that he loved me.

I stayed in my room much longer than most women in my position would have, well, that’s what I convinced myself of anyway, but eventually, the draw of my addiction was too strong and I slipped out of my bed. Denny didn’t move. He was completely sound asleep as I quietly shut our door. I opened Kellan’s, and he sat up on his elbows at the sound. Moonlight filtered through his window and I could see his
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perfect face watching me curiously. No trace of exhaustion was in his liquid blue eyes, he hadn’t been able to sleep either.

That thought thrilled me, emboldened me. I slid into his bed and under his covers, and immediately wrapped my legs around his. Lacing my arms around his neck, I threw all of my body weight on his chest, knocking him back down to the pillows.

“Am I dreaming?” he whispered, before my lips lowered to his. He ran his hands up my back and tangled his fingers in my hair. He pulled me into him even tighter, deepening our kiss. “I missed you,” he muttered around my lips.

“I missed you too…” I muttered back, “so much.” I kissed him for as long as I could before my breath started to increase too much, and then I pulled away. I stripped off my tank top and he eyed me, running a hand gently down my chest. With a heavy, reluctant sigh, he said, “What are you doing, Kiera?” I pressed myself against him and kissed his neck softly, in answer. He glanced up at the door. “Kiera, Denny is right-”

“I love you,” I interrupted him, “and I missed you. Make love to me.” I gazed lovingly at his impossibly glorious face, then pulled off the rest of my clothes.

“Kiera…”

I kissed him again and pressed my naked body against the entire length of his. He groaned softly, and eagerly returned my affections. I ran my hands down the length of his incredible body and started to tug at his boxers.

“I love you…make love to me,” I whispered again in his ear.

His breath quicker, passion in his eyes, he glanced back at the door again and then at me. “Are you sur-”

“I’m sure,” I interrupted breathlessly, and then kissed him hungrily.

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Our kiss was deepening passionately when he abruptly pulled away from my lips. “Wait…” He looked at me wistfully. “I can’t.” Surprised, I softly said, “Oh…well, I can…” I timidly ran my hand down inside his shorts. He felt fine to me…more than fine actually.

“Ah,” he groaned lightly, “you’re killing me, Kiera.” He pulled my hand away and laughed once quietly. “That’s not what I meant. I can…obviously, but…” he looked at me intently, “I don’t think we should.”

“But, this afternoon? That was… Didn’t you…? I… Don’t you want me?” I asked, confused, and a little hurt.

“Of course, of course I do.” He eyed me, looked down at himself pointedly, and then looked back to me. “You should know that.” I blushed deeply as he continued. “This afternoon was the most… I’ve never had anything like that. I didn’t even know it could be like that, which for me, is saying a lot.” He grinned sheepishly and I smiled at him.

“Don’t you want that again?” I asked stroking his cheek.

“More than anything,” he whispered huskily.

“Then take me…” I kissed him breathlessly.

He groaned softly. “God, Kiera. Why do you make everything so…”

“Hard?” I whispered, then blushed deeply again, as he laughed quietly. “I love you, Kellan. I feel like time is slipping away from us.” I searched his eyes. “I don’t want to miss a minute.” He sighed softly and I smiled, knowing I had just won. “For the record, this is a really bad idea…” I smiled wider and kissed him as he rolled over on top of me. “You will be the death of me,” he muttered, as I finally pulled off his shorts.

Making love to Kellan soundlessly was extremely difficult. It involved a lot of skin clutching - actually, we clutched each other so hard, I was
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pretty sure we’d both have bruises, and well-timed deep kisses – holding our mouths together to contain the intensity of it. At one point, near the end, Kellan had to clamp his hand over my mouth. The slowness and restraint required in our conscious attempt at quietness, seemed to make everything more intense and the experience lasted longer than I ever would have believed possible. That was fine by me. It could have lasted forever…

Afterwards, we lay facing each other with our bodies pressed close together. Every breath he took pushed against my body, and every breath I took pressed against his. We didn’t speak. We simply gazed at each other. He stroked my hair and occasionally kissed me softly. I ran a finger along his cheek, then his jaw, and then his lips, feeling lost in his tranquil blue eyes. We stayed nearly motionless, completely silent, and soul-bar-ingly naked with each other, until Kellan finally sighed.

“You should go back to your room,” he whispered.

“No.” I didn’t want to move away from his warmth.

“It’s nearly morning, Kiera.”

I glanced over at the clock and startled when I realized he was right, it was nearly dawn. I stubbornly clutched him tighter.

He kissed me softly. “Wait in bed an hour, then come downstairs and have coffee with me, like we always use to.” He kissed me again, then gently pushed me away from him. I pouted as he started handing me my clothes. I refused to move and shaking his head at me, he began dressing me. When he finished, he made me sit up, then stand up. “Kiera…” He stroked my cheek. “You have to go…before it’s too late. We got lucky…don’t push it.”

He kissed my nose, and I resignedly sighed, ignoring his double en-tendre. “Okay, fine. I’ll see you in an hour then.” I couldn’t stop myself from one last lingering gaze down his naked body, then sighing again, I left his room.

I crept back to my room stealthily and closed the door behind me.

Denny didn’t move, he was still deeply asleep, rolled on his side away
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from me, in his typical slumber. I watched him sleep in oblivious peacefulness for a moment, before I crawled into bed with him. I turned on my side to face him and gazed at his t-shirt rising and falling with his even breath. I didn’t feel like crying like I had this evening. Guilt still washed through me, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as before. This was getting easier…I hated that it was. I lightly ran my fingers through the shorter hair near his neck, and he sighed contently. I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and slipped my arms around him, snuggling firmly into his back. He stirred and interlocked our fingers, then fell back asleep. I kissed the back of his neck and rested my head against his shoulder. And then the tears did come.

This was easier…but it wasn’t easy.

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22

Chapter

Choices

Kellan looked different when I made my way downstairs in the morning.

Not physically. Physically, he was still achingly perfect. Well, maybe his deep blue eyes were more tired than usual, but neither one of us had slept at all last night. No, he looked different emotionally. He didn’t look up when I entered the room. He gave me no cheery greeting, just kept staring blankly into his coffee mug, seemingly lost in thought.

I walked over to him and grabbed his still full cup, setting it on the counter and breaking his focus. He turned his head and looked at me wistfully. Then he kissed me lightly and slipped his arms around my waist. I laced my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder, pulling him into a tight embrace.

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” he whispered, and I automatically tensed. “Last night can’t happen again, Kiera.” I pulled back and looked at him, hurt and confused, and a little scared.

He looked over the emotions on my face, then sighed. “I love you and you understand what that phrase means to me. I don’t say it…to anyone…ever.” Gently removing my arm from around his neck, he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. “There was a time when I would have been fine with this. I would have taken any part of yourself you wanted to give me, and found a way to deal with the rest…” He ran our laced fingers over my cheek. My face softened at his words, but I was still confused and scared. He sighed as he looked me over. “I want to be the kind of man you deserve to have.” I started to interrupt him, and he put our fingers over my lips. “I want to be honorable-.”

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“You are,” I interrupted, pulling our fingers from my lips. “You are a good man, Kellan.”

“I want to be the better man, Kiera…and I’m not.” He sighed again and looked up to where Denny was still sleeping, then back down to me.

“Last night wasn’t the honorable thing to do, Kiera…not under Denny’s nose like that.”

I frowned and felt tears of guilt and shame sting my eyes. He recognized my look and instantly understood. “No…I didn’t mean, you’re not… I wasn’t trying to insult you, Kiera.” He held me close as a couple of tears escaped my eyes.

“Then what are you trying to say, Kellan?”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I want you to leave him…and stay with me.” He slowly opened his eyes. They were suddenly very fearful.