The Tao of Stress: How to Calm, Balance, and Simplify Your Life (7 page)

judgments about it? Did you find that your mind was gal oping all

over the place? If so, this is normal; it’s what most people experience.

The purpose of this exercise is to simply make you aware of your

racing thoughts and demonstrate that, at this point, you don’t have as much control over your thoughts as you probably think you do. In
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Taoism this agitated mind, with its gal oping thoughts, is seen as the major source of chronic stress.

Our Changing World

As mentioned in chapter 2, in Taoism existence is seen as a continual, cyclic process of change. Taoists accept change and the uncertainty associated with it as natural. The goal of Taoism is to be in harmony with this natural process of change. This requires us to be flexible and adaptable.

It also requires that our thoughts and beliefs be consistent with our ever-changing world. Unfortunately, for most of us this isn’t the case.

In general, most of us don’t like change and uncertainty, especially regarding events, conditions, people, and objects that are meaningful to us. Uncertainty is threatening because we feel we don’t have control over the situation or ourselves. Insofar as this is threatening, it activates the fight- or- flight response and we become stressed. We don’t like the uncomfortable feelings associated with this stress.

In order to address these unpleasant feelings, we build a rigid and complex worldview composed of absolute concepts, beliefs, expectations, judgments, biases, and perspectives. These essentially serve to deny change and uncertainty. While this is functional to a point, if something occurs that violates our absolute expectations about how we, others, and the world should behave, we feel threatened because the change and uncertainty associated with it are staring us in the face. Our rigid and complex worldview is no longer protecting us. In fact, it has become a source of chronic stress because there’s a mismatch between our thinking, which is absolute and unchanging, and the world around us, which is characterized by a continual, cyclic process of change.

The Zhuangzi and Change

One of the earliest Taoist texts to address thoughts, beliefs, and judgments about change and the uncertainty associated with it and examine them at the most basic level was the
Zhuangzi
, written over 2,200 years ago. Unlike many other texts of the time, the
Zhuangzi
presented a
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number of its teachings through stories and tales. One such story from chapter 18 (Guo 1974) offers a teaching about absolute expectations, the continual process of change, and how to address it within the context of the most stressful of all experiences: death.

The wife of Zhuangzi had died. His good friend Huizi had come to

show his respect and express his condolences. Upon his arrival, he saw Zhuangzi sitting on the floor with his legs spread apart, beating on a basin and singing. For Huizi, this behavior was totally inappropriate and violated all expectations regarding rituals and correct conduct for mourning. Clearly upset, he confronted Zhuangzi and said, “You have lived together, raised children, and grown old. That you do not weep is one thing. But beating a basin and singing, isn’t that going too far?”

Zhuangzi replied, “Not so! When she first died, I did mourn and

express my feelings. Upon examining her beginnings, she originally was without life. Not moving, without life, originally without form. Not moving, without form, originally without vital energy or qi.

Undifferentiated! Suddenly, within the obscurity a change occurs and there is qi. Qi changes and there is form. Form changes and there is life.

Now, another change and there is death. This is the movement of the four seasons. If I followed those who shouted and wept, I would consider myself as not being open to my destiny. Thus, I stopped!”

Prior to visiting Zhuangzi, Huizi had already made up his mind about how he should feel and behave when somebody died. He wasn’t allowing himself to feel and behave as a direct result of a here- and- now experience. He also believed that Zhuangzi must behave according to his, Huizi’s, absolute expectations regarding rituals and correct conduct for mourning. When Zhuangzi didn’t behave as expected, Huizi’s absolute perspective was threatened. In order to eliminate the resulting unpleasant feelings and reestablish his own absolute perspective, Huizi confronted Zhuangzi with his absolute negative judgments regarding the Zhuangzi’s behavior.

Zhuangzi, on the other hand, who had lost his wife, was in the here and now. Initially, Zhuangzi expressed his feelings about his loss. His feeling of sadness was a direct result of his wife dying. He felt sad because that was how he actually felt, not because it was how he was supposed to feel.

Zhuangzi’s subsequent thinking was consistent with how existence

behaved. Zhuangzi had simplified his thoughts, beliefs, and judgments
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regarding change and death by becoming aware of them, examining

them, and then letting go of his rigid and complex worldview. The story points out that by changing and simplifying our thinking, we can change how we feel and behave. This entire process is the application of guan.

Practice Experiencing Change

While we can initial y talk about accepting change from a cogni-

tive perspective, for Taoists change must eventual y be experienced directly. In chapter 16 of the
Daodejing
(Wang 1993), the author directly observes, through the practice of guan, that all things continual y interact and move in cycles. In order to experience this, we need to practice guan. Simply find a place to sit— in a mal , at a park, at the beach, or wherever you like. Then sit and just observe for about ten minutes in a detached, nonjudgmental manner (with guan) all the changes that occur around you. Just experience your environment

without thinking about it.

Upon finishing this practice, note what you observed. Were you

able to experience continual change no matter where you looked?

Now think about the discussion of change you’ve read in this chapter.

Do you notice the difference between talking about change as fundamental and actual y experiencing continual change as fundamental?

If you like, you can record your thoughts and feelings in your journal.

Beliefs

Our beliefs help us create and live in our personal and social reality. They assist us in looking at, organizing, making judgments about, and responding to our personal and social worlds. We all have beliefs that guide us through our daily challenges and decisions. In most cases, our beliefs are beneficial to our everyday living. In some cases, though, our beliefs are problematic and can lead to unhealthy consequences, including chronic stress.

In this section I’ll provide two examples of how problematic beliefs and the associated judgments can negatively impact feelings and

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behavior and result in chronic stress. The first example is from an ancient Taoist text called the
Liezi
(Yang 1972). The second is a modern situation that may have a ring of familiarity for you.

A Man and His Hometown

There was a man who was born in the state of Yan. Upon his birth,

his family moved to the state of Chu. When he grew old, he wanted to return to see his birthplace in the state of Yan. Because he did not know how to get there, some people he knew said they would show him the way. While they were passing though the state of Jin, his traveling companions deceived him. They pointed toward a city and told him that it was his place of birth in the state of Yan. The man’s appearance immediately changed and he looked sad. His companions then pointed to a

village in the city and said, “This village is your hometown.” The man let out a sigh. They then indicated a building and said, “This is the home of your ancestors.” Tears dripped down his face as he wept. They then indicated a ridge and said, “This is the graveyard of your ancestors.” The man couldn’t keep from sobbing.

Then his traveling companions laughed loudly and said, “We have

been deceiving you all along. This is the state of Jin.” The man felt ashamed. When they actually reached the state of Yan and he truly saw the city, his village, the home of his ancestors, and the graveyard of his ancestors, he felt only slight sadness in his heart.

Because of his absolute judgment, based on his absolute belief that the first city was his hometown, the man cried and felt sad with no basis in fact. He cried and felt sad because he believed he was in his hometown and believed that this was how he was supposed to behave when he

returned to his place of birth and the home of his ancestors. Once he was presented with evidence that he wasn’t in his hometown, his beliefs changed. And as a result of that, his feelings and behavior changed.

When he finally reached his real hometown and engaged with it on an experiential level, without any expectations about how he was supposed to feel, his behavior and feelings were different and more natural.

This story clearly indicates how beliefs and judgments can determine our reality and influence how we feel and behave. It also demonstrates how beliefs and the expectations based on them can lead to distress.

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Clearly, it is important to become aware of, examine, and then remove beliefs and judgments that are detrimental to us. In this way, we begin to simplify our lives.

Jane’s Story

One Monday morning while Jane was combing her hair in front of

the mirror, she noticed a brownish spot at the base of her hairline.

She rubbed her finger over it. She thought it felt flat but wasn’t sure and wondered if it might be raised. She looked closely at it. It didn’t appear to be irregular in shape, but as she examined it, she thought it might look a bit irregular around the edges. She

thought,
Oh
my
god, is this a skin cancer? You can die from skin
cancer!
She started to tense up and felt a cold sweat. Her stomach was uneasy. It was too early in the morning to call for an

appointment to see a doctor. Her mind spun, wondering what to

do.

Jane went to her computer and searched online for

information about brown spots on the forehead. She saw pictures

at a number of sites that resembled the spot she had on her

forehead. These sites called it an age spot or liver spot and said it was a harmless effect of excessive sun exposure. Nevertheless, she thought,
I
couldn’t be so lucky. I bet it is a cancer!

So she searched for the term “skin cancer” and once again

found an endless number of sites. The more she looked at pictures

at site after site, the stronger her belief that she had skin cancer became. She felt the spot over and over and decided it was raised.

The more she looked at it, the more it looked irregular, both in

shape and at the edges. Her breathing became rapid and shallow.

Her mouth got quite dry, and her thoughts began to race:
It’s a
melanoma! I don’t want to die. What am I going to do?

Jane looked up at the clock and saw that it was now late

enough that her doctor’s office would be open. She immediately

called and told the nurse that she thought she had a melanoma

and wanted to make an appointment for that day. The nurse said

the doctor was booked up until the end of the week, but there was

a dermatologist in the building, who was more qualified to see her
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for this concern anyway. Jane contacted the dermatologist’s office and made an appointment for the first time slot available— a few

days later at 3 p.m.

For the entire time until she saw the doctor, Jane believed she

had a melanoma and that the worst was going to happen. She

shared her concern with her friends and family, and although

everyone believed she just had an age spot, they couldn’t sway her from believing it was cancerous. She became locked in a negative

loop as her absolute beliefs resulted in insomnia, loss of appetite, high anxiety, tension, and hardly being able to think about

anything else. She was so stressed by her belief that she called in sick to work.

After Jane arrived at the doctor’s office, the intensity of her

stress increased because she believed that once the doctor saw the spot on her forehead, he would confirm her fear. Finally, she was

taken to an exam room. A few minutes later, the doctor walked in,

introduced himself, and looked at the spot. Then he looked at it

again through a huge magnifying glass. He told Jane it was an age

spot and that she had nothing to worry about. To say Jane felt

relieved would be an understatement. He also told her she had

been smart to come in to have him look at it.

Most of us have been in situations where we were waiting for a

doctor’s response about symptoms, a blood test, a biopsy, an X- ray, and so on. In most cases, we worry about it to a certain degree.

Uncertainty creates anxiety. This is normal.

However, when we have an absolute, threat- based belief, we

can end up harming ourselves, even though there may be no

information to support that belief. Once Jane arrived at an

absolute belief that she had a melanoma, her fight- or- flight

response was activated, and she kept it activated with her ongoing threat- based thinking. As a result she was chronically stressed, and the stress was so severe that it interfered with her sleep, eating, physical health, and emotional well- being.

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