The Best of Down Goes Brown (21 page)
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Authors: Sean McIndoe
No Ties Allowed: A History of the Shoot-out
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The shoot-out has long been a topic that divides hockey fans. Many feel that it's an overly long and drawn-out skills competition, and a cheap gimmick that diminishes the emphasis on team play and tarnishes the integrity of the game. Others disagree, pointing out that it's actually not all that long.
But while the shoot-out may cause its share of controversy, there's no disputing that it has also created some unique hockey memories. Here's a sampling of some of the most indelible moments from the brief history of the NHL shoot-out:
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After being given a rare shoot-out opportunity, a confused and frightened Tomas Kaberle spends the next forty-five minutes circling the offensive zone in a desperate attempt to find someone to pass to.
After telling Edmonton Oilers teammates that he was going to try something creative for a change, a disappointed Linus Omark is forced to switch to plan B after officials refuse to allow him to bring his ladder and bucket of confetti onto the ice.
Continuing his impressive streak as the only player in NHL history to be successful on every career shoot-out attempt, Gregory Campbell scores on his patented move of skating directly at the goaltender while yelling, “Get out of the way or my dad will suspend you!”
In a controversial effort to improve their chances of taking home two points, Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson pulls Vesa Toskala before the shoot-out begins and replaces him with an old shoelace dangling from the crossbar.
Olli Jokinen streaks in across the blue line, kicks the puck up to his skates, and executes a breathtaking spinorama before being stopped by an arena worker who explains that game is already over and the Flames lost 7â1 in regulation.
Despite scoring on his first career attempt, Canadiens' defenseman P.K. Subban receives near-unanimous criticism from within the hockey community after he briefly cracks a facial expression.
Amid echoes of shots and clouds of gun smoke, the first shoot-out in Dallas Stars history resumes after the public address announcer sternly admonishes the Texas crowd because that's not the kind of “shoot-out” they meant and they know it.
The Flyers eliminate the Rangers from playoff contention on the season's final day, thanks to a move they call “glue the puck to the front of a stolen Zamboni and then run over Henrik Lundqvist while he's taking a drink from his water bottle.”
Players begin to realize that the best way to score on Rick DiPietro is by coming in as slowly as possible, since given enough time he'll eventually keel over from some random injury, and you can just tap it into the open net.
After giving up the game-winning shoot-out goal to Sidney Crosby to end the first-ever outdoor Winter Classic, the Sabres' Ryan Miller comforts himself by telling reporters, “Oh well, at least I know that's the worst game-ending five-hole goal I'll ever give up to that guy on national television.”
So you Want to be the Commissioner: The NHL's 1993 Job Application Form
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The NHL will be celebrating an important anniversary on February 1, 2013: the twentieth anniversary of Gary Bettman's first day on the job as commissioner.
Whether hockey fans will also be celebrating is another matter. Bettman's reign has been nothing if not controversial, and has been marked by several notable successes (massively increased revenue, southern expansion, and unprecedented TV deals) as well as some definite failures (work stoppages, franchise instability, and the “dead puck” era).
It seems like Bettman's every move has been extensively examined and analyzed. Well, all except for one: his hiring. Sure, we all assume that it was the typical big-time executive hiring process, with a competitive recruitment, extensive interviews, and a high-stakes negotiation. But believe it or not, the entire process actually started with a simple application form.
And as luck would have it, DGB spies were able to track down the world's last remaining copy of the NHL's 1993 application form for potential commissioners.
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Do you have any references from current or past employers?
Do not have any references available.Can provide phone numbers for reference checks.Can provide letters of recommendation signed by previous employers.Can provide a glowing recommendation from my current employer, David Stern, which he has assured me he is willing to deliver in person, since come to think of it he seems oddly enthusiastic about having me go and work for a league that competes directly with his.Â
Why do you want to be NHL commissioner?
Getting tired of always hearing my name mentioned on ESPN.Have always wanted a chance to travel around North America learning about local bankruptcy laws.Enjoy posing awkwardly for photographs next to trophies that are taller than I am.Have heard you can be terrible at this job and still get to induct yourself into the Hockey Hall of Fame.Â
While we have identified the need for our league to grow, we are obviously concerned about diluting the quality of our product due to too much expansion.
How would you avoid this potential problem?
Limit geographic options by avoiding any areas that like hockey.Occasionally try going an entire year without adding any new teams, just to see what happens.Make the expansion draft format so unfair that nobody will even notice the new teams for years.Do not understand the words “too much expansion.”Â
Just curious, but, what is one plus one?
Two.Definitely two.Obviously two.Usually two. But every now and then, for no especially good reason, three.