The Best of Down Goes Brown (17 page)
Read The Best of Down Goes Brown Online
Authors: Sean McIndoe
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5.
Many eligible players wait for years before being inducted, while others are inducted in their first year of eligibility. Do you have any concerns about timing that we should be aware of?
Many eligible players wait for years before being inducted, while others are inducted in their first year of eligibility. Do you have any concerns about timing that we should be aware of?
Am really hoping to be inducted now before Chris Osgood gets in and ruins it for everybody.Would rather not be inducted the same year as Eric Lindros, since I don't want my speech to be interrupted by Flyers fans pelting my family with garbage.Don't want to wait until next year, because I played for a team based in the southern United States, and it would be cool to be inducted while they still exist.Am worried that Jeremy Roenick may be voted in at some point in the next few years, and don't really feel like sitting through a six-hour induction speech.Â
6.
Finally, did you ever commit any of the following unpardonable sins (listed in increasing order of severity), which could permanently disqualify you from consideration?
Finally, did you ever commit any of the following unpardonable sins (listed in increasing order of severity), which could permanently disqualify you from consideration?
Committed an act of on-ice violence for which I received a lengthy suspension.Was involved in an off-ice scandal that damaged my reputation and tarnished my legacy.Was convicted of unspeakable crimes for which I was sentenced to lengthy jail time.Once made the media wait a few extra minutes for a post-game interview.Â
Thank you for applying. Please note that only successful candidates will be contacted.
Chapter 41
Rating the NHL's Relocation Candidates
Seattle, Washington
Las Vegas, Nevada
Kansas City, Missouri
Markham, Ontario
Quebec City, Quebec
Rating the NHL's Relocation Candidates
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In 2011, the NHL saw a team move for the first time in years, when the Atlanta Thrashers headed to Winnipeg to become the reborn Jets. The destination wasn't a surpriseâWinnipeg had been rumored to be in the running for a team for years. But many were expecting that it would be the struggling Phoenix franchise that would be on the move. Instead, the Coyotes stuck around for another year of speculation about an eventual move of their own.
But where? Several cities have been linked with the league in recent years, many with strong cases. But each candidate also comes with a unique set of challenges, and success is far from guaranteed. It goes without saying that the league is under heavy pressure to make the right choice.
I want to help. So I've put together a list of some of the six most frequently mentioned candidates for NHL relocation, and carefully considered the pros and cons of each one.
Background:
Jim Balsillie has been trying to move a team to the city for years, but has been rejected as a potential NHL owner on the grounds that he has actual money.
Jim Balsillie has been trying to move a team to the city for years, but has been rejected as a potential NHL owner on the grounds that he has actual money.
Pro:
Hockey players are often said to have their best years in their late twenties; if the same applies to hockey arenas, Hamilton should be all set.
Hockey players are often said to have their best years in their late twenties; if the same applies to hockey arenas, Hamilton should be all set.
Con:
If Hamilton ever gets an NHL team then Toronto will want one too, according to the guy in the next cubicle who also still says, “Whazzup?” and quotes dialogue from the Austin Powers movies.
If Hamilton ever gets an NHL team then Toronto will want one too, according to the guy in the next cubicle who also still says, “Whazzup?” and quotes dialogue from the Austin Powers movies.
Background:
Was actually the first American city to win the Stanley Cup back in 1917, thanks to a late goal by grizzled veteran Mark Recchi.
Was actually the first American city to win the Stanley Cup back in 1917, thanks to a late goal by grizzled veteran Mark Recchi.
Pro:
Recently had its NBA team blatantly stolen, so probably wouldn't feel too bad about doing the same to some other city.
Recently had its NBA team blatantly stolen, so probably wouldn't feel too bad about doing the same to some other city.
Con:
Vancouver Canucks fans report that unpredictable weather patterns in the Pacific Northwest can sometimes cause springtime heat waves so sudden that fans need to remove their shirts on live television.
Vancouver Canucks fans report that unpredictable weather patterns in the Pacific Northwest can sometimes cause springtime heat waves so sudden that fans need to remove their shirts on live television.
Background:
Hockey in the desert? That's practically guaranteed to work!
Hockey in the desert? That's practically guaranteed to work!
Pro:
If the league insists on losing money on a doomed and reckless gamble, it should at least do it somewhere where it'll have company.
If the league insists on losing money on a doomed and reckless gamble, it should at least do it somewhere where it'll have company.
Con:
Might be hard for fans in attendance to follow the puck, thanks to all the steam rising up from where the ice used to be.
Might be hard for fans in attendance to follow the puck, thanks to all the steam rising up from where the ice used to be.
Background:
Has already tried to lure the Penguins and Islanders in recent years, although that just turned out to be part of a weird plot to try to impress Bryan Trottier.
Has already tried to lure the Penguins and Islanders in recent years, although that just turned out to be part of a weird plot to try to impress Bryan Trottier.
Pro:
Would immediately have a natural geographic rivalry with the St. Louis Blues, and it would be a nice change for someone in the hockey world to remember that the Blues still exist.
Would immediately have a natural geographic rivalry with the St. Louis Blues, and it would be a nice change for someone in the hockey world to remember that the Blues still exist.
Con:
The city is called Kansas City but is not located in Kansas, which probably doesn't impact its ability to support a hockey team, but has always just kind of bothered me.
The city is called Kansas City but is not located in Kansas, which probably doesn't impact its ability to support a hockey team, but has always just kind of bothered me.
Background:
This town north of Toronto is working towards building an NHL-ready arena, after residents complained that the traffic jams on the 404 weren't quite long enough.
This town north of Toronto is working towards building an NHL-ready arena, after residents complained that the traffic jams on the 404 weren't quite long enough.
Pro:
Falls just outside of Buffalo's boundary for compensation, and screwing over the Sabres on a technicality is one of hockey's richest traditions.
Falls just outside of Buffalo's boundary for compensation, and screwing over the Sabres on a technicality is one of hockey's richest traditions.
Con:
Might not be the first choice of the NHL, which tends to prefer that teams are located in large cities, or medium-sized cities, or small cities, or any kind of actual city.
Might not be the first choice of the NHL, which tends to prefer that teams are located in large cities, or medium-sized cities, or small cities, or any kind of actual city.
Background:
The Nordiques made the mistake of trading for Wendel Clark in 1994; being forced to leave Toronto made him so sad he punched the entire franchise to Colorado.
The Nordiques made the mistake of trading for Wendel Clark in 1994; being forced to leave Toronto made him so sad he punched the entire franchise to Colorado.
Pro:
Could immediately resume a rivalry with the Montreal Canadiens, which would be great because that worked out so well for Quebec City the last time around.
Could immediately resume a rivalry with the Montreal Canadiens, which would be great because that worked out so well for Quebec City the last time around.
Con:
The city's population must not be very interested in hockey anymore, because if you go around town asking, “Who is your favorite NHL player?” most people just stare at you like you're speaking a different language.
The city's population must not be very interested in hockey anymore, because if you go around town asking, “Who is your favorite NHL player?” most people just stare at you like you're speaking a different language.
Chapter 42
What an Official NHL Suspension Call Really Sounds Like
What an Official NHL Suspension Call Really Sounds Like
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Hockey fans have become very familiar with suspensions over the past few years. Whether it was Colin Campbell or Brendan Shanahan handing out the justice, it seems like there's a new decision being announced every few days. So by now, fans know the drill. A serious infraction results in the perpetrator receiving an invitation to an in-person hearing at the league office, while lesser offenses are handled over the phone.
But what does that phone call sound like? Most fans probably imagine a lengthy conference call in which agents, player reps, and league officials all get a chance to weigh in before a final verdict is reached.
As it turns out, it's not that complicated. DGB spies got hold of the hotline number, and here's a transcript of what they heard.
Thank you for calling the National Hockey League's suspension hotline. For service in English, press one.
Pour le service en Français, appuyer sur le deux.
For service in Randy Cunneyworth's version of French, pressez-vous à the numero three now.
Pour le service en Français, appuyer sur le deux.
For service in Randy Cunneyworth's version of French, pressez-vous à the numero three now.
You have selected English. Please note that your call may be monitored for training purposes, since we're all assuming Shanahan will wise up and tell Bettman to stuff this job within a year.
Please indicate what you did wrong to deserve this phone hearing:
If you slashed somebody, press one.
If you hit somebody from behind, press two.
If you took out somebody's knees, press three.
If took out somebody's knees by slashing them from behind, press four.
If you hit somebody in the head, press five.
If you have no idea what you did because you're a Boston Bruin and the local media keeps insisting you did nothing wrong, please stay on the line and one of our operators will be pleased to assist you.
You have pressed five, for a head shot.
You will now have an opportunity to defend yourself for hitting another player in the head. Please enter the excuse you would like us to politely listen to and then ignore:
If you're claiming that you didn't actually make contact with the other guy's head and are really hoping nobody in this office has access to YouTube, press one.
If you didn't mean to hurt anybody, and were just trying to get yourself suspended so that you wouldn't have to attend the All-Star Game, press two.
If you used to room with Brendan Shanahan back in his playing days and assume he doesn't want anyone to see those photos you still have, press three.
If you don't see what the big deal is about flagrant head shots, dial four on the rotary phone you're presumably using, since you are trapped in 1950.
If you can't think of an excuse because you haven't had a chance to talk to your team's PR person yet, press five.
You have pressed 5. We will now determine the length of your suspension.
Please enter your salary and the line that you play on, followed by the pound sign.
Please enter the salary of the guy you laid out and the line he plays on, followed by the pound sign.
You have indicated that you are a fourth liner, and the guy you laid out was a superstar. Would you like to just retire now and save everyone some time? Press one for yes and two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Thanks for nothing, Raffi.
Finally, when Brendan Shanahan announces your suspension he will release a video explaining his decision on Twitter and NHL.com. Please describe how you would like him to appear during his video:
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking tired, press one.
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking annoyed, press two.
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking exasperated, press three.
If you would like him to awkwardly stare into the camera while looking like he cannot believe he has to explain this rule to you idiots all over again, press four.
If you would like him to do all of the above at the same time while being shot from the waist up in a way that makes it disturbingly unclear whether or not he is wearing pants, press five.
You have pressed five for all of the above.
This completes your phone hearing. You will be notified of Brendan Shanahan's decision later today. In the meantime, please answer one additional question.
Has the league's discipline process given you a better appreciation of the importance of player safety, which will deter you from this sort of dangerous behavior in the future? Press one for yes or two for no.
You have delivered a leaping elbow smash to two for no. Sigh. We figured as much. (
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