The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (13 page)

Fig. 3.
Sexual response of the husband

On the wife’s chart we have distinguished the three responses as (A) the multiple orgasm, the ideal she would like to achieve; (B) the orgasmic failure, the sexual response that far too many settle for (a failure that often can be changed by a little more understanding, added foreplay, and increased tenderness on the part of her companion); and (C) the single orgasm, probably the most frequent expression of the well-adjusted married woman who may reserve the multiple experience for special occasions when her mood, time allotted for lovemaking, and other factors fall into place.

Fig. 4.
Sexual response of the wife

As the chart indicates, certain physiological changes take place in each stage. These should be studied, and lovers should experiment to the point of learning what to expect in each of these phases.

Various Positions

Since the earliest days of writing, various lovemaking positions have been recorded. One author claims there are ninety-nine different positions. The trouble with about ninety-five of them is that only a gymnast could enjoy them. Actually there are only four positions used frequently enough to consider here. Dr. Miles shares his research findings on the first three.

1. The husband above

Our research indicates that 91 percent of couples use the man above position all of the time or most all of the time. Fifty-four percent of couples experiment frequently with other positions, but usually finish with the man above position. Only 4 percent use some position other than the man above position more than half of the time, and only 5 percent use some other position all of the time.

It is important to the husband to have his feet firmly against the foot of the bed or some solid object to aid him in giving full expression to his sexual orgasm. In case of a bed that has no footboard, the couple may reverse their position, placing his feet against the headboard.

2. The wife above

The wife above position allows the husband to relax and control himself, and permits the wife to initiate the movement necessary to give her the most stimulation by forcing the clitoris to move over the penis. The disadvantages are that this position is often not comfortable for the wife, the husband may have difficulty in controlling his arousal, and neither are in proper position to give fullest expression during orgasms. For some couples the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This position is often advantageous for a large husband and a small wife.

3. Both on their sides

Another useful position is for both husband and wife to lie on their sides facing the same direction with the husband back of the wife. The penis is moved into the vaginal passage from the rear. The disadvantages are that the penis cannot contact the clitoris and the couple cannot kiss during the experience. The advantages are that the position is very comfortable, the husband can easily use his fingers to stimulate his wife’s clitoris, and he can control his own arousal. There are other slight variations of this approach. Many couples use this position for the arousal period and shift quickly to the man above position for orgasms.
⁹

4. Husband seated

Depending on their comparative heights, a couple may sometimes enjoy the position of the husband seated on a low couch or backless chair. The wife can lower herself onto his penis at her discretion. This position is good for those wives who find that the entrance of the male organ is painful. By controlling the entrance, a wife can minimize the pain. Such sensations will be short-lived, and couples should not give up or use pain as an excuse to avoid lovemaking permanently. If pain is not eliminated by application of generous amounts of lubricant, see your physician.

Most couples experiment with these and other positions, but return to the man above. It seems to be the most satisfying to the largest number of lovers.

Summary

The art of mutually enjoyable lovemaking is not difficult to learn, but neither is it automatic. No one is a good lover by nature, and thus the more selfish the individual, the more difficulty he will have learning this art. If two people love each other with an unselfish love and are willing to control themselves while seeking to learn how to render emotional and physical satisfaction to their partner, they will learn. It does, however, demand time and practice. Anyone who takes time to read this book has indicated he or she is concerned enough to try. Dr. Ed Wheat has sagely said, “Every physical union should be a contest to see which partner can outplease the other.”

With this concept in mind, I told a story in the chapter on “Physical Adjustment” in my book
How to Be Happy Though Married.
It was given to me by a minister friend who had counseled a frustrated couple in the art of clitoral stimulation so that in a very brief period of time they resolved their problem.

Four months after that book was published, I was speaking at a banquet in a very small city in northern California. A dentist told me privately that he had read the book and had been reminded of his own case. When he related his story, I found it an exciting corollary to the earlier tale.

The young dentist and his wife of three years were deeply in love, but his wife had never reached orgasm during their marriage. He found this almost as frustrating as she did. As a dentist, he had studied anatomy and felt that he knew more than the average person about the functions of the human body. This knowledge, however, did not seem to resolve their difficulty, and their sexual frustration soon produced marital conflict. Since they were not Christians at the time, they decided to start going to church as a last resort to save their marriage. They fortunately selected a gospel-preaching church, and in about three months they both had accepted Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. But, of course, this still did not resolve their problem of orgasmic malfunction.

One Sunday morning their pastor was preaching on the text of Proverbs 3:6, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” They heard him say, “You do not have a problem in your life that you cannot take to the Lord in prayer.” The dentist looked at his wife and realized that they had not prayed about it. Afterward they discussed it and decided to do so.

On Friday of that week they were invited to a social gathering. Being the first to arrive, they were ushered into the family room to await the arrival of the other guests. It was a large room with a couple of conversation areas, so they chose a couch on the far side of the room. They were no sooner seated than another couple came in and sat on the first couch behind them, a large floral arrangement preventing them from being seen by the new arrivals. Thinking they were alone, this sanguine husband put his arm around his wife and exclaimed, “Hasn’t our relationship been beautiful since we discovered clitoral stimulation?” The dentist silently glanced at his wife and thought, “We have never tried that.” That night they did, and it was the beginning of a new experience for them both.

With obvious emotion the dentist told me, “That simple technique was like a key that opened the door to a beautiful relationship which we have enjoyed for the past three years.”

This story shows evidence of God’s abundant grace. In a small town without counselors, and under the ministry of a young, single seminary student, this young couple told their heavenly Father of their need and sought His help. He guided them to the right place at the right time to hear the information He wanted them to know.

No doubt the wife of the man who unknowingly gave their secret away would be horrified to know that her husband had been overheard that night, but I have a hunch that living with a super talker like him she was used to being embarrassed. Besides, if she knew how much joy they had introduced into the lives of the dentist and his wife, she might think it well worth the exposure.

No one has a problem that cannot be taken to the heavenly Father. No one need settle for a lifetime of sexual frustration. When God’s children pray for His guidance and His will for their lives, He is always faithful in revealing it to them. This relationship with God will bless the lives and strengthen the faith of those who trust in Him for help.

The Key to Orgasmic Love

One of the unexpected results of publishing
The Act of Marriage
was that my counseling room became crowded with what was called in southern California at that time, “sex-dysfunctional counseling.” Two of the most dysfunctional people I ever counseled happened to be a forty-eight-year-old doctor and his wife, a thirty-six-year-old nurse. As they disclosed one of the most miserable sex lives I had heard of, my first thought was,
What can I tell these two medical experts about human anatomy that they don’t already know better than I do?
But as I listened, I realized sexual ignorance was not their problem; they were the two most selfish people I had ever encountered! Selfishness was destroying what could have been a beautiful expression of love.

Compare that with the two eighteen-year-olds who came in just six weeks after their wedding. Jim was a sailor who had married his childhood sweetheart and moved her from their Minnesota farm home to San Diego, where he had just been stationed. Their problem? Jim blurted it out painfully, “Pastor, we have been married six whole weeks and Sarah hasn’t had an orgasm yet.”

Needless to say, Sarah blushed all the way up to her blond hair. But she mustered, “I don’t mind; I told Jim I just love being close to him and having him tell me he loves me.”

Jim responded, “That’s not good enough. I want her to enjoy our lovemaking as much as I do.” What do you hear in that conversation? I hear two unselfish lovers who wanted to bring pleasure into their partner’s life so much they were willing to be embarrassed in order to do so. Very honestly, that is not a difficult problem to solve when love is the motivation. Many of the suggestions I gave them are found in the next three chapters. One day a short time later, as Sarah was going out of church, she whispered, “We don’t need your help anymore.” Unselfish love had done it again! It works every time.

Notes

1
. William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson,
Human Sexual Response
(Boston: Little, Brown and Co., 1966), 131.

2
. Herbert J. Miles,
Sexual Happiness in Marriage
(Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1967), 96.

3
. Ibid., 97.

4
. Ibid., 79.

5
. Ibid., 78.

6
. From
The Key to Feminine Response in Marriage
by Ronald M. Deutsch. Copyright © 1968 by Ronald M. Deutsch. Reprinted by permission of Random House, Inc., New York.

7
. Ibid.

8
. Ibid.

9
. Ibid.

Seven

For Men Only

During the first decade of marriage most men are more aggressive sexually than their wives. This is not always true, of course, depending on their temperaments and the monthly cycle of the wife, but it does provide a useful generalization. We might more accurately observe that sex is instinctively the most universal drive in men during their first decade of marriage, whereas for women it is a potential appetite that can be cultivated.

The wise and loving husband will therefore learn as much as he can about this subject in order to bestow on his bride the greatest lovemaking experiences possible for both her benefit and his own. The more he strives for her enjoyment, the more he will help to create in her a favorable and exciting attitude toward the relationship. And the more she enjoys it, the more she will welcome and take delight in it.

The following suggestions will guide husbands in helping to create in their brides a wholesome appetite for lovemaking:

1.
Learn as much as you can.
The average man knows more about overhauling the carburetor on his car or motorcycle than he knows about the intricate young woman who will spend the rest of her life with him, providing the most thrilling and satisfying experience he will ever have. We have already alluded to Dr. Ed Wheat’s observation that almost all of a man’s natural instincts that bring him sexual satisfaction are not what bring his wife satisfaction. Since skilled lovemaking is not instinctive, a wise husband will learn as much as he can from a reliable Christian source. By studying carefully our chapter on sex education and the art of lovemaking, he can gain much of the basic information that every husband should know. In addition, we recommend that every couple send for Dr. Wheat’s three-hour cassettes and listen to them together.
¹
Since discovering these fine taped lectures, I have required prospective bridegrooms to listen to them alone just before the wedding and urged the couple to take the tapes with them on their honeymoon to listen to them together. The material is highly informative and inclusive; more than one hearing is necessary to absorb all the information presented. For the couple who has been married longer, listening together to these tapes will open lines of communication that will enable them to discuss subjects that previously may have seemed too difficult or personal for discussion.