The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (10 page)

When the hymen is stretched or torn, there may be bleeding, but usually no more than one or two teaspoonfuls. If this bleeding continues or if there is as much as one tablespoon of blood, the wife should not be afraid, but just look carefully for the exact spot that is bleeding and hold a clean tissue on that spot with firm pressure. There is no bleeding that cannot be stopped by this method. The tissue may be left in place about twelve hours and then loosened by soaking in a warm bath to avoid new bleeding. The couple may resume intercourse the next day. If bleeding recurs, repeat the local pressure.

Urethra
—the outlet for the urine from the bladder. The urethral opening is about one-half inch above the vaginal opening and entirely separate from it. It resembles a rounded dimple containing a tiny slit.

The urethra is a tube that runs just beneath the pubic bone and is easily bruised in the first few days after marriage unless plenty of lubrication is provided for the penis in the vagina. This bruising produces what is commonly called “newlywed cystitis” or “honeymoon cystitis.” Characterized by pain in the bladder area, blood in the urine, and rather severe burning when the urine passes, it is a symptom that injury to the urethra has allowed bacteria to grow. This may ascend to produce a severe bladder infection called cystitis. It clears up and the pain subsides much faster with medication prescribed by a physician and with drinking extra fluids. It is very important that every couple, regardless of previous sexual experiences, have a surgical lubricant such as K-Y jelly available for use to help prevent the painful condition caused by bruising. This is especially essential during the first few weeks of marriage.

Clitoris
—deriving its name from the Latin word
clitoris,
meaning “that which is closed in,” the most keenly sensitive organ in a woman’s body. As such it is called “the trigger of female desire.” Its shaft, approximately one-half to an inch long, is closed by the peak of the labia about two inches above the entrance to the vagina and over the urinary opening, or urethra. At its outer end is a small, rounded body about the size of a pea, called its glans—from a Latin word meaning “acorn.”

As far as is presently known, the
only function
of the clitoris is sexual arousal. Stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce an orgasm in nearly all women. It usually enlarges somewhat when caressed, but there is no cause for concern if it does not. In a study of hundreds of women able to reach orgasm, more than half showed no visible enlargement of the clitoris at all, and in many others, this enlargement was only barely discernible, even to touch, as most of the enlargement is in diameter, not in length. The size of the clitoris or its degree of enlargement has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction or sexual capacity.
The clitoris must be stimulated directly or indirectly for the wife to achieve orgasm.

Labia minora
—named from the Latin words for “small lips,” the two parallel folds of smooth, hairless, soft tissue that connect to the hood over the clitoris and end just below the entrance to the vagina. Sexual arousal causes these lips to swell to two or three times their normal thickness. At times the gentle stroking of these small lips gives a more pleasant sensation than stroking the clitoris. Because they are connected directly above the clitoris, the friction of the penis’s moving against them inside the vagina carries sensation to the clitoris. Thus direct stimulation of the clitoris is not always necessary to increase the intensity of sexual feelings.

Each wife needs to tell her husband specifically and lovingly, verbally or by subtle signals, what type of stimulation in this area gives her most pleasure at any given point in foreplay or in achieving orgasm.

Labia majora
—the “major lips” lying outside and parallel to the labia minora, but not nearly so sensitive.

Areas of sensitivity
—both the breasts and the genitalia, a woman having a greater number of sensitive areas than a man. This is probably God’s means of compensating for the fact that the husband is ordinarily the initiator of intercourse. A woman’s breasts are often very sensitive, and thus affectionate caressing helps to prepare her for the act of marriage. When she is aroused, her nipples will often become firm and protrude slightly, indicating proper stimulation. The larger outer lips of the vulva area also become increasingly sensitive as they enlarge under sexual excitement. As we have noted, the vagina and particularly the clitoris are sensitive areas. When a woman is sexually stimulated, several glands begin to secrete a lubrication that bathes the vulva area and the vagina in a slippery mucus, easing the entrance of the penis. This has nothing to do with fertility but is God’s ingenious design for making the entrance of the dry penis a pleasurable experience to both husband and wife.

Orgasm
—the climax of both women and men in intercourse, followed by a gradual decline in sexual stimulation and producing a warm sense of gratification and satisfaction. A woman never ejaculates or expels fluid as does a man; instead he is the instigator and she the receiver, not only of the male organ, but also of the sperm. Modern research indicates that a woman’s orgasmic experience is every bit as titanic as a man’s. A major difference is that a man’s ejaculation is almost ensured without benefit of prior experience; a woman’s is an art that must be learned by two loving, considerate, and cooperating partners.

“Aside from ejaculation, there are two major areas of physiologic difference between female and male orgasmic expression. First, the female is capable of rapid return to orgasm immediately following an orgasmic experience if restimulated before tensions have dropped below plateau-phase response levels. Second, the female is capable of maintaining an orgasmic experience for a relatively long period of time.”
²

Another significant difference between men and women is that a man’s orgasm leaves his sex drive almost totally depleted for anywhere from twenty to forty-five minutes. In his youth he may experience as many as three or four ejaculations in a single day, although not usually for more than one or two days in a row. The male sexual reservoir takes time to rejuvenate, depending on age, health, and other factors. This rejuvenating process tends to take longer with age. Thus the frequency of sexual intercourse usually declines from an average of three times a week in a man’s forties to twice in his fifties and approximately once in the seventies.

Similarity of male and female anatomies.
A good way to summarize the female and the male sexual parts is to remember that the different organs in the two sexes develop out of the same basic structures. The most obvious of these originally similar, or homologous, structures are the clitoris and the penis. The clitoris embodies, in a reduced and modified manner, the chief elements of the male penis, including the spongy tissues that engorge with blood and the glans at the tip with its numerous nerve endings and great sensitivity. The muscles at the base of the penis are paralleled in the pubococcygeus muscles (frequently called the P.C. muscles) surrounding the vagina. The outer lips are the counterpart of the male scrotum. To a slight degree, the meeting of the outer folds of the inner lips over the clitoris corresponds to the foreskin over the glans penis.

It is clear that both male and female sexual organs have other functions besides procreation. Even before the human being is fully mature and able to reproduce, the sexual glands (the ovaries in the female and the testes in the male) have begun their work of making the girl a woman and the boy a man. They manufacture some of the hormones that encourage and control the rate of physical development as well as mental and psychological growth.

Notes

1
. Portland Ore.: Multnomah Press, 1993.

2
. William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson,
Human Sexual Response
(Boston: Little, Brown and Co., 1966), 131.

Six

The Art of Lovemaking

Every significant physical activity in life is learned by practice; why should lovemaking be different? Adult human beings possess the desire and necessary equipment to make love, but the art of lovemaking is learned—it is not innate.

Dr. Ed Wheat of Springdale, Arkansas, told a group of men in a seminar, “If you do what comes naturally in lovemaking, almost every time you will be wrong.” In reality he was cautioning his male audience that each “natural” or self-satisfying step in gaining sexual gratification for a man would probably be incompatible with his wife’s needs. For that reason, a couple must seriously study this subject just prior to marriage, and then after their marriage they can begin their practice to learn the most satisfying techniques.

It is unrealistic to expect two virgins to reach simultaneous climaxes on the first night of their honeymoon. Research indicates that nine out of ten brides do not experience orgasm in intercourse on the first attempt. Obviously it would be ridiculous for a couple to feel they had failed each other because they happened to be in the ninety percentile. It is much more realistic for a couple to recognize that they must “learn by doing.” Isn’t that the primary purpose of a honeymoon—for two lovebirds to get away to a romantic spot and learn about each other and their sexual natures?

When intercourse is an expression of love, it can be enjoyable even when one or both partners do not experience an orgasm. The tenderness and intimate relationship may prove to give sufficient satisfaction in themselves. Naturally one must expect intense stimulation ultimately to culminate in orgasm for both, but that goal is not usually achieved immediately. Such a rewarding skill is learned after study, experimentation, and open communication between husband and wife.

The art of love that exists well within the capabilities of every couple reading this book will be presented in this chapter for honeymooners, even though it will probably be read by more married veterans than newlyweds. After all, the difference in lovemaking between virgins and experienced married partners is minor. One marriage counselor has advised, “If couples would treat each other all through marriage as they do on their honeymoon, they would have very few sex problems. But most experienced couples try to take shortcuts, and that is what spoils their potential satisfaction.”

The Ultimate Goal

Many pleasurable side effects arise from lovemaking, but we should not lose sight of the fact that the ultimate objective is orgasm for both the husband and wife. For the man this is usually quite simple and easily detected. When sufficient stimulation is applied to the nerve endings in the glans penis, a chain reaction is begun by creating muscular contractions in the prostrate gland, forcing the milky seminal fluid and sperm cells through the urethra with a force strong enough to ejaculate as far as twenty-four inches. Only then does the man realize that almost every organ and gland in his body has been brought into action, for after orgasm they all start to relax, and he becomes overwhelmed with a feeling of contentment.

The woman’s orgasm is much more complex, and since she seems to be capable of several levels of climax, it is less obvious. For that reason, many young wives aren’t sure whether they have reached an orgasm or not. Just as the gentle art of love has to be learned, so must she discern by personal experience what to expect of an orgasm. Once she has achieved a high-level orgasm, she no longer doubts what it is or when it occurs.

With the goal of mutual orgasm before them, a couple is advised to take whatever time and steps are necessary to achieve that objective. Love, patience, unselfishness, concentration, and persistence place that goal well within the capability of every married couple!

Preparation for Love

One young bride-to-be interrupted me during my usual talk on intimate relationships before marrying the couple. “Pastor LaHaye, do we have to talk about this? It embarrasses me. It will work out by itself.” No wonder that naive young lady became pregnant during the first month of marriage, and I would be surprised if she has yet learned sexual satisfaction.

Fortunately most brides expect to enjoy lovemaking and realistically face the fact that some preparation is necessary before they begin the actual experience. All such young people would be advised to consider the following minimal steps in that preparation:

1. Learn as much as you can before the wedding night. The previous chapter on sex education should be read several times to make sure both the bride and groom understand the functions of the male and female reproductive systems. We feel that the reading of this book and others listed at the close of the chapter should not be reviewed together until after the wedding. But both bride and groom should read the basic material separately beforehand and then study it together on their honeymoon. This book is intended to be a help to such a couple on their wedding trip.

2. All prospective brides should visit their doctor several weeks before the wedding, discussing with him the advisability of breaking the hymen in the privacy of his office. If the doctor’s examination shows that the hymen is thick and may obstruct sexual intercourse, she should consider letting him stretch it or cut it to avoid unnecessary pain and bleeding during intercourse. However, if the doctor feels she will have no serious difficulty and if the bride chooses, she may wish to leave it intact for her wedding night. In this enlightened age a bridegroom would rather have the hymen surgically removed in advance to reduce the possibility of causing pain to his virtuous young bride. Another alternative is digital stretching, which the husband can do on their wedding night, but this will require instructions from their doctor. In today’s active world many virgins have broken the hymen in accidents while bicycling or horseback riding, or doctors may have had to dilate it because of menstrual difficulties.