The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (16 page)

“No, there is nothing I can do,” I responded, “but I know Someone who can.” They quickly admitted to being Christians, but added that they “hadn’t worked at it lately.” I explained, “God commands married couples to love one another, and He never demands that we do anything for which He will not provide the strength.” They remained dubious.

Sensing their spirit of hopelessness, I offered a quiet word of prayer for instruction and found myself asking, “How would you like to fall madly in love with each other again in three weeks’ time?” They brightened at the thought, but doubted it was possible. I began to explain to them that criticism, nit-picking, faultfinding, and griping in our minds is destructive of love (and verbalizing those feelings is even worse). I further stressed that God condemns such thinking, commanding us instead to think with love and thanksgiving about everything. Taking two three-by-five cards from my desk, I turned to the husband and asked him to list ten things about his wife that he liked. The first items took a while, but soon the others flowed out. When the wife’s turn came to list his good points, it was easier, for she had been planning her list as he proceeded with his.

When their lists were complete, they agreed to review them every morning and night and thank God for each of these blessings. Within three weeks they called to break their next appointment, saying, “We don’t need any more counseling; our love has returned stronger than before.”

If your love has become stagnant, your mind is the culprit. Try mental praise; it will change your love life.

2.
Relax! Relax! Relax!
It should come as no surprise that a virgin will be rather tense in anticipation of her first intercourse. Why shouldn’t she be? Every new experience produces nervous excitement—it’s perfectly normal. But like anything else in life, repetition leads to relaxation. It is vitally important that a wife learn to relax in the act of marriage, for all bodily functions operate better under such conditions.

This need for relaxation may be illustrated in a woman’s production of vaginal lubrication. Almost all women have the glands necessary to produce this needed fluid that makes possible the entrance of the penis without pain. But when she is tense or nervous, the glands will not function adequately, and she will experience some friction that may be painful. Actually the very fear of that pain can restrict the normal flow of fluids the next time. Most counselors recommend using a lubricating vaginal jelly during the first few weeks of marriage, which will eliminate the probability of pain and help attain more relaxation. The less tension in the wife, the easier her reproductive organs cooperate with her in the accomplishment of an orgasm.

A wife’s relaxation is important to her loving husband, because if he senses that she is tense or afraid, he may interpret that to signify her fear of him. Her relaxation inspires his own.

3.
Chuck your inhibitions.
Although modesty is an admirable virtue in a woman, it is out of place in the bedroom with her husband. The Bible teaches that Adam and Even in their unfallen state were “naked, and they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25). Frankly speaking, that means that even in their nakedness they were uninhibited. It may take time for a chaste woman to shake off the inhibitions of her premarriage days and learn to be open with her husband—but it is absolutely essential.

An attractive couple requested guidance to overcome what they called “sexual frustration.” The wife of twelve years was too embarrassed to let her husband watch her disrobe at night. “My mother taught me that good women never do that kind of thing,” she explained.

I responded, “Just because your mother made the lifetime mistake of failing to make her husband and your father an exception to her modest standards, there is no reason for you to perpetuate that error.” I suggested that she let her husband help her undress, and I encouraged her to relax and enjoy it. It took a while, for she even felt guilty when she found it exciting; but gradually she overcame her acute reticence.

4.
Remember that men are stimulated by sight
. Our Lord said, “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28). Has it ever occurred to you that He made no such directive concerning a woman lusting after a man? The reason is clear. Men are quickly stimulated visually, and the most beautiful object in a man’s world is a woman.

Many women counselors urge wives to make the daily homecoming of their husbands the most significant time of the day. By bathing, fixing their hair, and putting on fresh attire, they are prepared to give their husbands an enthusiastic welcome home each night. A contented husband is one who is assured that the loveliest sight of the day greets him when he opens the door at night.

Some women resent making their husband’s homecoming the object of such attention. Others greet Prince Charming in their work clothes and curlers in an attempt to impress him with the grievous nature of their daily chores with “his kids.” The sight of a bedraggled wife may engender sympathy (though it’s doubtful), but it will rarely inspire love. A woman has more assets than she thinks, so she might as well take advantage of them. “Clean up, paint up, fix up” is a good motto for every loving wife to remember just before the time of hubby’s arrival. We have observed that the women who go that extra mile seem to avoid the problem of “How can I get my husband to be content to come home at night and spend the evening with the family?” If he is provided with a good reason to come home, he usually will.

5.
Never nag, criticize, or ridicule
. Since we have already noted that most young men are insecure and desperately need the loving approval of their wives, we will not belabor the point here. Nevertheless, it is important to remember that nothing turns a man off faster than motherly nagging and criticism or ridicule of his manhood. No matter how upset a wife may become, she should never stoop to such conduct, or she may jeopardize a beautiful relationship.

A brilliant doctor with a beautiful, cultured wife had an affair with a woman who had almost no education and was not nearly so attractive as his wife. In fact, he admitted that she was not as sexually enjoyable as his wife. When asked to explain his behavior, he replied, “She makes me feel comfortable.” Upon reflection, his wife realized that she had gradually become very critical of his actions and nagged him about the long hours he spent at the office. Not being gifted with ready speech, he had responded by staying away in pursuit of a haven of peace. The other woman was the way he found the peace and quiet he had longed for.

6.
Remember that you are a responder
. God has placed within the feminine heart the amazing ability to respond to her husband. Most women admit to having exciting experiences they would never otherwise have attempted except in response to something initiated by their husbands. This is particularly true of their love lives.

Except for those occasions when a wife is particularly amorous and initiates lovemaking, the husband makes the first approach most of the time. Since men are quickly stimulated visually, on many occasions a husband will approach his wife with amorous intentions when lovemaking is farthest from her mind. The nature of her response often determines the outcome. If she reacts with a sign of indifference (perhaps a groan or yawn), it will probably end right there. On the other hand, if she cuddles close to him for a few minutes and accepts his advances, however passively at first, she will gradually find her mood beginning to match his as her own motor of amorousness ignites.

Many a wife has cheated herself and her husband out of countless lovemaking experiences because she did not understand the unique responding ability of a woman.

7.
Observe daily feminine hygiene
. When Beverly was in high school, her girls’ physical education instructor told the class that men have a stronger sense of smell than women. That made such an impression on her as a teenager that she has always been exceedingly careful in this matter. Whether that coach was right I do not know, but every woman must be careful of body odors for two reasons: first, in some women the vaginal fluids, especially those that have dried on the outside, can emit a strong odor unless removed by regular bathing; and second, she may become immune to her own body smells. In this day of various special soaps, lotions, and deodorants, body odors should never be a problem.

8.
Communicate freely
. One of a woman’s biggest sexual misconceptions is that her husband knows all about sex. That is rarely, if ever, true. Men may be interested in the subject from the day after they graduate from kindergarten, but they may also be too embarrassed to go to the right sources for the proper information. To complicate the problem, men can be notorious liars whenever they discuss the subject of sex.

As an eighteen-year-old in the air force, I listened with fascination to the “big boys” tell of their sexual exploits. When those old stories come back to mind now, I have to smile. Most of them were either lies or exaggerations, for many of them were impossible.

Unless a man has read the right books or sought knowledge in the right places, much of what he thinks about women is likely wrong when he enters marriage. The wife should not feel discouraged about this; she should look on it as an exciting opportunity to inform him about the one woman in the world whom he should know intimately. She must learn to communicate freely. Besides telling him how she feels, she should guide his hand to show him what gives her pleasure. Unless she tells him what excites her, he may never know. A wife will probably have to teach only one man in her lifetime about her intimate self. She should do it thoroughly and make it an exciting experience, rewarding to both her and her husband.

9.
When all else fails, pray
. That may sound strange for a minister to say, but if you understand my meaning, I think you’ll consider it a valid suggestion. I am convinced that God never intended any Christian couple to spend a lifetime in the sexual wilderness of orgasmic malfunction. He has placed within every woman the sexual capabilities He meant for her to enjoy. His only real prohibition relates to their use outside of marriage. When kept within the confines of that sacred institution, these capabilities should provide pleasure for both partners. If it isn’t a pleasurable experience, He has something better in store for you, so pray about it and expect Him to direct you to an adequate solution. “Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete” (John 16:24).

Notes

1
. Letha Scanzoni,
Sex and the Single Eye
(Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1968), 31.

Nine

The Unfulfilled Woman

Karen, a lovely twenty-nine-year-old mother of three, came for counseling. She was obviously distressed: “Pastor, I really love my husband, but lately I have noticed that my resentment toward him is growing something fierce. If something doesn’t happen pretty soon, I’m going to end up hating him!” Although it was hard for her to express it, she finally admitted that the problem concerned their love life. “He is the only one who gets satisfaction out of it! I have always considered myself an affectionate woman and have rarely refused to make love to him; but just about the time I really get excited, he comes inside me and it’s all over. He flops over on his side of the bed and falls sound asleep—and that’s when I get mad! It takes me over an hour to unwind enough to go to sleep. He says I must be frigid.”

Karen was anything but “frigid.” Like many other unfulfilled wives, she knew very little about sex, and much of her information was wrong. Unfortunately her husband, Jeff, knew less than she did. Without the benefit of premarital counseling, and limiting their sex education to birth control, these two Christian young people had entered marriage with the naive idea that their love was so powerful that “everything will just work out naturally.” That may be true of pregnancy, but it certainly isn’t true of female orgasm. With a little guidance and encouragement, she was functioning like a new woman within two months.

During my years as a pastor, I have conducted premarital counseling sessions with every couple before the marriage ceremony. After performing nearly 450 weddings preceded by such counseling sessions, I am convinced that even in this sexually enlightened era, many young people get married with much the same sexual ignorance Karen and Jeff had. As I engage each prospective couple in a one-hour discussion on lovemaking, I am astounded to note how few have heard the most basic principles relative to husband-and-wife relationships. Many women get married with the assurance that the prospective husband knows all these principles, but rarely is that true. As we have already seen, most young men are steeped in sexual information, but much of it is wrong. In fact, their ignorance contributes largely to the frustration of their wives and is a cause of much marital disharmony. But if ignorance creates the major problem, it can be dissolved by proper information as long as both partners are willing to face the problem.

The strangest paradox in the realm of sexuality is the widespread idea that a woman’s orgasmic capability is less than a man’s, whereas in reality it may be even greater. Equally difficult to understand is why such a pleasurable and exciting experience has been hidden from so many women while their male counterparts almost universally have tasted the delight of ejaculation. No research or tradition suggests that the male orgasmic capability has ever been questioned in any culture. Yet the tragic tale of female sexual frustration winds its way through almost every tribe and people, leaving literally billions of married women sexually unfulfilled. Fortunately there is no longer any reason to perpetrate this hoax on potentially one-half the world’s population.

Many fanciful ideas attempt to explain why this dilemma has arisen, when it is entirely unnecessary. It is true that a woman’s orgasm is not essential for propagation, whereas a man’s ejaculation is required to perpetuate the race, but both need the psychological satisfaction that orgasm gives to marital relations. Many have blamed religion; others criticize culture. Actually no one really knows why such a one-sided fraud should be so universally accepted for centuries. Even Masters and Johnson have admitted, “Neither totem, taboo, nor religious assignment seems to account completely for the force with which female orgasmic experience often is negated as a naturally occurring psychophysiologic response.”
¹