The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (6 page)

2.
It reassures her of her husband’s love.
The one point on which psychologists agree is that all people have a basic need to be loved. This is generally more true of women than men. Women have a tremendous capacity for love, both giving and receiving. Hundreds of illustrations could be given of “mother-love,” “wife-love,” or “sister-love,” but the reader is doubtlessly familiar with these already. However, many are unaware of the five kinds of love required by a woman.

(a)
Companionship love.
Few women enjoy solitude for long periods of time. Have you noticed how few hermits and recluses are women? A few exceptions may be found among the aged, of course, when women become senile or have outlived all their loved ones. But a woman looks upon marriage as perpetual companionship, which explains why so many marital problems occur when a man’s job takes him out of the home for long periods of time. Too often he does not understand his wife’s need for companionship. When he is regularly surrounded by people, he usually can’t wait to get away for a while and be alone. When he arrives home, he may find his wife craving his attention and company.

If men realized this need in their wives, they would spend less time in front of the television set when they are at home and learn to enjoy wifely companionship. It is also true that many women would do well to improve their companionship appeal by talking about things that interest men instead of making small talk. It is unwise for a wife to direct all the conversation toward her interests when her husband comes home. It is a good rule to accompany his arrival home with pleasant conversation that is interesting to him and conveys a message of love and welcome. This usually involves allowing him to share his thoughts with her and showing her interest in his activities. This gives her opportunities to build him up with her positive comments.

Couples seldom have problems being good companions before marriage, but if they fail to cultivate that relationship, they seem to lose it. In a letter to his mother nine months after he was married, our son wrote, “Kathy is my best friend.” He didn’t realize it, but he was claiming companionship love for his bride.

It is often hard for a woman to give physical love to a man who does not return her companionship love. It is always easier to give love when it is needed and appreciated by the receiver. A good wife must know that her husband needs her companionship just as she requires his, no matter how successful or busy he may be. In fact, the more prosperous he is in his vocation, the more she needs his companionship.

(b)
Compassionate love.
A woman has a natural bedside manner, but only a few men display that kind of compassion. When a child or husband hurts, who runs to his aid? Who jumps out of bed at 2:30
A.M.
at the slightest whimper of the baby? Rarely the baby’s father! A mother does not manifest compassionate love because she is a mother, but because she is a woman. Men need to learn that a woman’s capacity for compassionate love testifies to her need to receive it also. That is especially true when she is suffering emotionally or physically. It is regrettable that the man who enjoys her compassionate love when he hurts is often slow to return it to his loving wife. The Golden Rule is quite applicable here.

(c)
Romantic love.
Women are romantics! Lurking in the heart of every girl (even when she is grown up) is the image of prince charming on his white horse coming to wake up the beautiful princess with her first kiss of love. For that reason she needs romance, flowers, music, soft lights, dinner out, and a host of other things. Unfortunately many a man fails to understand that, primarily because his need for romantic love is either nonexistent or minimal. But he is married to a creature with an extraordinary need for romance. Some men misjudge their wives, deeming them more practical-minded than other women. To be truthful, these wives have likely tried to overcome that “dream” by becoming practical; to these women it seems better to suppress that desire than to become disappointed over the lack of romanticism in their husbands. However, an occasional night out without the children, some little unexpected gift, or another expression of “romance” can be very rewarding to her.

This difference between men and women may contribute to feelings of incompatibility after marriage. A woman never loses the need to be romanced, whereas a man doesn’t even possess that need. His emotions are near the surface and easily ignited; hers are deep and burn slowly. It is this romantic love that makes a woman respond to her husband’s little expressions of thoughtfulness like opening the car door, taking her arm as she crosses the street, or expressing the “Sir Walter Raleigh routine.” He may sometimes feel a bit foolish, but her response is worth the abashment.

I remember driving up in front of the church one Sunday. Five men were watching as I walked around the car and opened the door for Beverly. Frankly, I felt self-conscious, but she made it all worth-while, not only by the little squeeze on my hand as we walked into church, but also later that night. After preaching five times that day, I was exhausted as we pulled into the driveway. It was about eleven o’clock and it was raining lightly. As I put the car in park, I was amazed to hear her door open and see her run around in front of the headlights to lift the double garage door. What made her do it? At five o’clock she had a romantic need to be honored and preferred in front of our friends; at eleven o’clock she showed her appreciation and responded to my need.

Don’t be tricked into thinking that today’s “mod” women are any different, just because some of them wear frumpy clothes and sometimes act as if they care little about manners and etiquette. Something deep down in a woman’s heart cries out for romantic love.

Jeri is a case in point. At twenty-one she was led to Christ by a young woman in our church with whom she had gone to high school. When she first started attending services, she wore blue jeans and a white T-shirt. Outwardly she was somewhat coarse and very independent. As she grew in her faith in the Lord, she began to dress up and fix her hair. Surprisingly she proved to be a very attractive young woman. Before long Roy met her, asked to meet her parents, and started dating her. About a year later Jeri came into my office to discuss wedding plans. When I asked what she liked about Roy, she replied, “He treats me like a lady. He’s the first fellow who ever came up to the door to pick me up for a date or opened the car door or seated me at the table.” When I asked how she liked that kind of treatment, her eyes filled with tears as she whispered, “I love it!” She had dated boys for about seven years, but the first one to treat her like a lady won her heart. The reason is simple: women need romantic love.

(d)
Affectionate love.
Most women crave kisses of appreciation. You perhaps are acquainted with some exceptions—so are we—but if you look deeper you will find that such lack of affection has been learned. It is sometimes caused by a husband who demands quick sex instead of slow lovemaking. Some inconsiderate men can be satisfied with that, but almost all women are not. To them a tender touch, a warm embrace, and the closeness of the one they love is almost as enjoyable as the more intimate contact. In fact, many wives respond to an approving look and words of commendation. It is a wise husband who breaks out of the routine frequently to voice approval of his wife. Such men do not testify to sexual starvation, for they have learned that their wives are ignited by the little expressions of affection that often seem meaningless to a man.

Personally I don’t care for flowers. If we never had them in our home, I wouldn’t miss them. But almost every time I return from a seminar on a Saturday night, I pick up a bouquet of roses for Bev in the airport. Why? Because I like the response they create in her. Frankly, it took several years to learn the rewards of conforming my behavior to her need for affection. She not only likes yellow roses but is grateful that I was thinking of her as I came into town.

(e)
Passionate love.
Impassioned love comes naturally to a man because of his stronger sex drive. Most women have to cultivate the appetite for passionate loving, but be sure of this—they have the capacity to learn. The husband who confers affectionate love upon his mate can teach her passionate love. And any man who has done so will testify that it is time well invested.

As we will see, a woman’s passions are more periodic than a man’s. On occasions, given the right place, privacy, and quality of affection, she can thoroughly enjoy passionate love. But remember one thing: it is easier for a woman to express passionate love after the other four needs for love have been satisfied.

When these love needs in a woman’s heart have been properly fulfilled, their fulfillment will give assurance of her husband’s love, which is becoming increasingly important in an era when men and women mingle together day after day in the business world. Many a married man is surrounded by secretaries or other employees whose physical allurements are on display during working hours. When a husband is confronted by another woman who happens to be on his wavelength, the best safeguard against moral problems is a warm love relationship with his wife. “Male eroticism, fulfilled within the home, does not hunger for more outside.”
¹
That is also true of the wife. Since she needs to know that her husband needs her, lovemaking becomes a necessary means of reassuring her of that love.

This yearning for reassurance was beautifully shared by a close friend, whose lovely wife had incurred a crippling disease that gradually diminished her bodily movement. Because he loved her dearly and knew she suffered great pain, he restrained himself valiantly from making love to her. One night he was lying beside her, trying to go to sleep, when he felt the bed shaking. Listening for a moment, he heard muffled sobs. “Honey, why are you crying?” She hesitantly replied, “Because I don’t think you love me any more.”

Naturally he was amazed. “What have I done?”

“It’s what you haven’t done,” she wailed. “You don’t make love to me anymore.”

At first he inwardly responded, “Good grief! What greater affirmation of my love than to deny myself what every organ in my body is crying out for?” But then he realized that his suffering wife desperately needed the reassurance of his love through the act of marriage. All women do.

3.
It satisfies her sex drive.
Although a woman may not possess as strong or consistent a sex drive as a man, she does have a sex drive. Research indicates that almost all women are more passionate just before, during, or after their monthly menstruation and, of course, in the middle of her month at the time of highest fertility. Moreover, her sexual pleasure grows through the years. As she learns to be uninhibited in her responses to her husband and increasingly learns to experience orgasms, her appreciation and desire for the experience grows.

A woman does not seem so readily tempted to fantasize as does her husband. However, she does have the capacity to remember romantically those exciting experiences of the past. Consequently each thrilling lovemaking event increases her sex drive in the same way that each frustrating experience stifles it. Such a growing sex drive needs an outlet, and married love is God’s ordained plan for its expression.

4.
It relaxes her nervous system.
We have consistently noted that women who have no desire for sexual intercourse are nervous women. Note that we did
not
say that every nervous woman is sexally indifferent or negative. Some women are simply nervous by nature. But a lack of desire for sex almost invariably produces nervousness. It is important, therefore, that a wife learn a healthy sexual expression toward her husband.

As with a man, the female nervous system is intrinsically tied to the reproductive organs. God has made it possible for wives from all walks of life to enjoy a hygienically relaxing experience on their marriage bed. It is true that the act of marriage exists for the propagation of the race and personal enjoyment, and it does promote fidelity and fulfillment; but it also contributes a much-needed relaxant for the nervous system.

5.
The ultimate experience.
When properly consummated to orgasm, married love provides a woman with life’s most exciting experience. One young mother took exception to that statement, insisting that childbearing offered greater excitement. But we refer to a feminine experience on a regular and frequent basis. There is simply no experience comparable to the act of marriage—for both the wife and the husband, who need each other to gain its ultimate rewards.

The Most Beautiful Meaning of All

An important meaning of the act of marriage is purposely presented last. We think it is the most beautiful of all. Simply stated, it is the provision of one ongoing life experience that a husband and wife share uniquely with each other. In all life’s other activities we are compelled to share each other. If the husband is a teacher or mechanic, other persons share in the fruits of his skills. If the wife is a good cook or an attractive woman, the husband is not the only one who enjoys those gifts. But behind their closed bedroom door, a couple experiences oneness—a sublime moment uniting them in an exclusively intimate union unshared by anyone else on earth. That is a major reason why the act of marriage is such a binding, uniting, and enriching influence on a couple.

The meaning of oneness resulting from mutual lovemaking is far more important than the time spent in the experience. If a typical couple spends about thirty minutes in a single lovemaking experience an average of three times a week, the act of love would account for only one and a half hours per week, or nine-tenths of 1 percent of their time. Yet no other repeatable experience is more important to that couple. The partners who relate enjoyably to each other spend many hours in emotional and mental harmony in anticipation of the experience and follow it with many hours of mutual contentment and closeness because of their love. Probably no powerful human encounter cements their relationship more firmly than the act of marriage.