Talk Sexy to the One You Love (2 page)

And so do our partners.

Any
woman can learn to talk sexy, and in this When Naughty Is Nice / 11

book I’m going to show you how. Whether you’ve never uttered a single sexy word in your life, or you’re just concerned that you’re not living up to your full sexual potential as a woman, the exercises in this book will help bring out the best in you and bring out the beast in you. You’re also going to learn how to get your man talking right along with you. It’s all easier than you think, and the payoffs are far greater than you probably imagine.

There’s Nothing to Fear but the

Excitement (And There’s Nothing to Lose
but Some Sleep)

There is one thing I need to make clear from the very beginning. Talking sexy does
not
mean being degrad-ing, disgusting, or demeaning. It does
not
mean being cheap or callous. It means being provocative, enticing, electrifying, and seductive. It means being more real and more clear. It means not being afraid to ask for what you want, to say how you feel, and to encourage your partner to do the same. It means having a lot more fun in bed, and generating a lot more heat.

I’m not a neurophysiologist or biochemist, and that means I can’t tell you exactly
why
talking sexy is so unbelievably electrifying and
why
talking sexy will make you and your partner feel so damn sexy. All I can tell you is that it is, and it will. Right now I’m asking you to take my word for it, but you won’t have to do that for long. The

12 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

moment those first few words pass through your lips and into your partner’s ears you’re both going to know you’ve struck gold.

Are you a little nervous? Don’t be. I’m not going to put words in your mouth, I’m going to help you get them out. I’m a professional sex therapist. I’ve taught hundreds of people how to talk with their partners about sex; I’ve taught them how to be more open, more direct, more honest, and a lot more sexy. I know I can teach you too.

Talking Sexy Should Bring a Couple

Together

I’m hoping that my little pep talk has already started to warm your cold feet and get you excited about what lies ahead. You may already be discovering what a turn-on it is to just
think
about talking sexy to your partner. But before I cut to the chase and introduce the first exercise in this book, we need to spend just a few more very important moments talking candidly about your relationship.

Sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Sex happens between two people; hopefully, two people who love each other. The goal of talking sexy is to bring a couple closer together. I’m assuming that you would not be reading this book right now if this was not what you were hoping for. I want to help you change your relationship for the better, not to create problems. Your needs are important, but the needs of the couple come first. That’s why

When Naughty Is Nice / 13

it’s important to know, before you begin, that you have your partner’s understanding and that you have his support.

In my work as a sex therapist, I am always teaching my clients new skills. Some of these skills are technical, some of them are creative, and many are communication oriented. But whatever it is that you are learning—whether you’re learning a new way to touch, a new way to move, a new way to speak, or a new way to feel—you are learning something very powerful.

This is particularly true when it comes to learning how to talk sexy. This power should not be taken lightly.

It may be hard to imagine right now, but talking sexy is going to change the way you make love. The intensity of both your responses and your partner’s responses to this new style of communication can come as quite a shock to lovers who have always communic-ated using Morse code. You are going to have a very new and different experience of yourself and of your partner, and your partner is going to have a very new and different experience of himself and of you. That’s a lot to reckon with, and it is
crucial
that your partner is every bit as prepared for this as you are.

In the next chapter, I’m going to give you some important guidelines that will help both you
and
your partner get ready for the many changes that are waiting just around the corner. I know that you’re anxious to start talking sexy; I’m anxious to get you started. But before doing
any
of the exercises in this book, take the time to read

14 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

through Chapter 2 carefully, and please take my advice to heart.

At the end of this book, I have also included a special section just for men (see Appendix: For Men Only).

My main purpose for including this material is to give encouragement, support, understanding, and guidance to any man who is feeling the least bit unsure, skeptic-al, anxious, or tentative. Yet at the same time, I feel that
every
man, no matter how comfortable he is with the concept of talking sexy, would benefit from review-ing this section.

C H A P T E R 2

Talking to Your Partner

about Talking Sexy

I
’M not a big believer in surprises when it comes to sex. The thought of springing something new on your partner may seem very exciting at times, but it is my experience that surprises like this often backfire. This is why I always insist that my clients talk to their partners
before
they try to introduce important changes into their lovemaking. Right now, I’m going to ask the same thing of you.

16 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

Your Partner Needs to Know That You
Want to Talk Sexy

When it comes to issues about our sexuality, we are all fragile creatures. Anything too new or too different—like having a partner suddenly start talking sexy for the first time—can feel scary, threatening, intimid-ating, or confusing to someone who has not been adequately prepared for such change. Something like this could make your partner feel very insecure or very left out. It could even make him suspicious or angry.

I don’t want any of that to happen. I want your partner to be excited, open, ready, and receptive. I want talking sexy to enhance, enrich, and deepen your relationship, not sabotage it. That’s why, before you start talking sexy to the man you love, you need to sit down and talk straight.

You Might Want to “Just Do It!,” But I
Think That’s a Mistake

I know it isn’t easy for most women to talk to their partners about their sexual relationship. And as far as talking sexy is concerned, many women feel far more comfortable doing it than
talking
about doing it. You need to know that it is perfectly natural to have any number of concerns, such as, “What will he think about me?” “How will this make him feel?” “Will he be pleasantly surprised or shocked and turned off?” The truth is that every man is different, and you Talking to Your Partner about Talking Sexy / 17

simply can’t know the answers to these questions until the two of you discuss it.

If you
don’t
have this conversation, however, and your partner is not adequately prepared for the changes that will soon be taking place in your vocabulary and your behavior, he is far more likely to wonder, “Where did she hear that?” or “Where did she learn that?”

These are the kinds of things you
don’t
want him worrying about. Even if your partner has been bugging you for years to spice up your language—even if he’s the one who’s been doing all the lobbying for eroticiz-ing your relationship—I don’t recommend surprising him with a “new, sexier you.” He needs to be prepared.

But How Do You Start?

When you talk to your partner about your desire to talk sexy, it is very important that your conversation is given ample time, and that it takes place in supportive surroundings. You don’t want to have this conversation as he’s running out the door, for example, or while you’re stuck in traffic and talking to him on your car phone. It’s perfectly fine to talk in bed, as long as sex is not on the agenda for that evening; but you don’t want to have this conversation just before, while, or right after making love.

Sometimes, an opportunity to talk to your partner will present itself naturally. You might be watching a film, for example, in which one of the characters uses sexy language. Use this as a

18 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

springboard to reveal your interest, starting with a comment such as, “I loved the way that woman was talking to her partner when she wanted him.” But many times, an opportunity must be created. And that can be scary.

Telling the man you love about your desire to talk sexy is a wonderful opportunity to express your love and your caring, but that doesn’t make it easy. If you’re feeling awkward or uncomfortable having this conversation, the very first thing you need to do is let your partner know how difficult it is for you to talk about your sexual relationship, and how worried you are about how he will respond. It’s a great way to break the ice, and he’s certain to appreciate your honesty and your vulnerability.

Let Him Know You Love Him, Let Him

Know You Want Him

After you’ve broken the ice, the very next thing you need to do is tell your partner how much you love him and how important it is for you to be able to express your love more fully. Once you have made this point clear, the stage is set to tell your partner the wonderful news: The woman he loves wants to learn how to talk sexy.

Tell him what talking sexy means to you, and why you’re so excited about doing it. Tell him what you think it will do for you as a woman, for him as a man, and for the relationship you share. Most important, make sure to tell him that you are doing this for
both
of you
, and that you

Talking to Your Partner about Talking Sexy / 19

would never want to change anything in your relationship without his support.

If you suddenly find yourself at a loss for words, you may want to take out this book and show it to him; the conversation will certainly evolve from there. The important thing is that you are completely honest, and that you don’t try to withhold anything. The more your partner understands right now, the better it is for both of you.

Be Sure to Talk About
His
Needs
While it is very important that you talk about
your
needs, it is equally important to talk about
his
needs.

How does he feel about this? Has he ever had similar desires? Does anything make him uncomfortable? Is there anything he fears? Pay close attention to his answers, and don’t assume anything. You may be surprised to discover that you know far less about your partner than you think.

Talking sexy may very well be the answer to your partner’s prayers—a dream come true. If so, you now know you’ve got the green light to proceed. But if he seems uncomfortable, disinterested, or totally turned off, you need to respect that. Talking sexy is not for everybody. And while I feel sorry for those men and women who can not incorporate exciting language into their lovemaking, I also realize that some individuals have very good reasons to
not
incorporate it. Being a good lover means, first and foremost, always 20 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

being sensitive to the needs of your partner. The last thing you want is to be doing something that he simply doesn’t want, or worse, doesn’t like. If you are just taking care of yourself, oblivious to the needs of the man you love, you’re not making love, you’re making a mistake.

Never Let Desire Sound Like Demand

If there is one thing that stops a man from getting excited about talking sexy it is the fear that sexy language will translate into sexual demands. In the heat of making love, as your new style of communication reaches the boiling point, you may find yourself thinking about, wishing for, and asking for all kinds of things that may never have even occurred to you before. This could bring both of you to new heights of passion. But if your partner interprets what you are saying as nonnegotiable demands, the pressure could shut him down.

It is important to make it clear from the very beginning that you are genuinely concerned about how your new vocabulary will be heard, and that
nothing
you say ever needs to be taken literally. You will be expressing wishes, desires, and fantasies. Much of this needs to remain in the realm of fantasy, particularly since, as you will soon discover, the biggest turn-on is often in the
saying
, not in the doing. Whatever it is that you say, your partner needs to understand and believe that you are not
demanding
anything, nor are you
expecting
anything other than an opportunity to speak Talking to Your Partner about Talking Sexy / 21

your mind, to play with possibility, to free your imagination, and to free your feelings. He doesn’t need to
do
anything but let you talk.

If, for example, you say to your partner, “I want to make love till the sun comes up,” he has no reason to take this as a statement of fact. He needs to understand that you are merely expressing your mood; you are
not
issuing your requirements. In actuality, you may have absolutely no desire to stay up all night. You may have no desire to stay up past ten o’clock. You might not even want to make love at all—maybe you have company coming any minute, maybe the kids are still awake, or maybe you’re standing in the middle of Central Park. You are just letting him know that you are feeling close to him and feeling desirous of him.

If your partner is interested in responding to some of the things you say, that’s wonderful. But you need to make it very clear to him that if he isn’t interested, that’s fine too. Whether it’s something you ask for, beg for, or cry out for, he is under no obligation to do anything. You will always love him just as much, and you will always want him just as much. You just need to talk sexy.