Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (23 page)

Begin with her feet. Press your thumbs into her arches, pressing and resting until you feel her really let go and exhale into the sensation. If you don’t feel her relaxing, ask her to communicate her sensations to you. Ask her to tell you what it feels like in her body. Keep drawing out her sensation until you feel that she is truly ready to begin.

Take a knee in each of your hands and press each of her legs open, firmly and gently. Press for an extra moment; let her know she is handled. Feel her relax into the experience of being spread open by you. Slowly slide your hands down her calves and grip her ankles. Hold her there until you feel her relax one more level.

Slowly slide up her body, keeping yourself an inch above her. Let the tip of your cock run along her leg slightly. Once you have reached her face, look at her closely without touching her. Then lean back on your knees. Make sure you are straddling her but not touching her. Reach for both of her arms and spread them open. Press them down into the bed until you feel her let go.

Tips for Slow Oral for Her

Start with an OM. Prepare her body by stroking her first.

Safeport her. Tell her everything you are going to do before you do it.

Communicate. Tell her what you are feeling in your body, and ask her what she’s feeling in hers.

Stay present. Be there to receive the sensations that arise throughout.

Ground her frequently. Press her body firmly but gently as you go, to ground her energy and make her feel handled.

Go even slower. Go way more slowly than you think.

Pause and feel. Stop and hold every so often.

Follow your own desire. Do what feels good in your own body and it will feel good in hers, too.

Move your face toward hers once again. Feel the heat between you. Feel the heat increase the longer you linger over her. If she moves, tell her to be still. She is not responsible for you. Put your face near her neck, under her jawline, so that your lips almost touch her tender skin. Linger there, letting a buzz build in your lips. Take tiny sips of air, again drawing some deeper part of her to the surface.

Run your fingers in a very light, circular motion over one of her nipples, taking care not to touch it. Repeat on the other side. Bring your mouth over her nipple and let the moist heat of
your breath cover it, as if you were fogging up a window. Now, hover your mouth over all of her stomach and breasts, breathing against her body with a slow hot breath. Continue down her body, past her pussy, down her thighs.

Part Three: Drawing Out Her Orgasm

With one soft finger, gently skim along her inner labia. Add lubrication if that would feel good. Feel how soft her labia are, like tissue paper. Feel how, when you stroke very lightly, you can almost feel the ridges of your own fingerprints.

Bring your finger to rest just below her clit. Then softly ask her to tell you a secret. Let her know that you won’t move until she tells you something confidential. Then don’t move an inch until she does. As she starts talking, move your finger very, very slightly. Slowly move one millimeter closer to her clitoris without touching it directly. Get as close as you can without actually reaching it. Very, very close.

Give her tiny, soft kisses, as if your lips were swathed in gauze.

Bring your tongue down to her inner thighs. Lick the inside of each thigh as you would lick an ice cream cone that is dripping down the side. Draw the desire out of her thighs with your tongue. As her desire builds, begin to suck very slightly against her inner thigh.

Now place one hand on each of her hips and press down with firm intention and gentle pressure. As you do, let your face hover over her pussy. Feel yourself drawing out her desire. Continue to press down gently on her hips until you can feel her sinking down into the bed.

Ask her to tell you how her pussy feels. As she does, lick the valley where her inner thigh and pussy come together. After she tells you what she feels, tell her a sensation you feel in exchange. Be specific. Describe what your cock feels like, what your chest feels like, what color, pressure, texture, and motion you are feeling inside.

Lick the outer rim of the outer labia on both sides. Lick just enough to feel the blood inside her lips moving beneath your tongue’s pressure. Then, starting at her introitus, draw your tongue up the centerline of her pussy, slowly washing over her clitoris. After a few gentle strokes, take the whole of her clit into your mouth. Draw it in. Move your tongue along the bottom ridge of the clit, where her inner labia begin to separate. Move in up and down the ridge, sucking gently as you go.

Pause, and feel how her clit extends itself farther in your mouth, desiring more. Now take the whole of your mouth and engulf her clit, letting your lips relax and soften until she can’t tell where they end and her own labia begin. Move the soft inside of your lips around her hood while keeping the center of your lips wrapped around her clit. Make your mouth big and soft. From time to time, pull back and exhale heat onto her clit before diving in and suckling some more.

Part Four: Going Deeper

Curve your tongue and insert it into the pocket that forms under her hood, just above her clit. There is a spot somewhere along the top ridge of the clit where you can feel a slight electrical current, like when you rub your tongue over a copper wire. Keep moving your tongue over that spot. Fuck her there, digging deeply as if you were burrowing inside her. Feel how the more attention you give it, the more the spot expands until it’s pulsing under your tongue. Once it is pulsating, you know her spot is open. Wrap your mouth around the whole of her hood as you move your tongue over this spot, just above the clit.

While you are sucking her, take two fingers and slide them inside her. Feel how the blood in her skin is hot against your fingers as you do. Feel the weight of her pussy. Reach up inside her, to the spot that would be the back of her clit, and you will find a spot right there that is soft, like the top of a baby’s head. Rest your fingers there.
You do not need to move.
Just press very gently. Notice how the pressure pushes her clit from behind, how it pops forward into your mouth. Suck it as if you were sucking all the juices out of it.

Feel the juices flow into your belly and down to your cock.

Begin to move your tongue in a slow rhythm that she can catch on to. If it starts to feel tight or tense, pull back and breathe. Exhale.

Ask her if she desires a climax, if she wants you to suck her until she comes. If she says yes, tell her you will be drawing her over rather than pressing her over. Gently ask her to communicate if she would like you to move faster or apply more pressure.

Then continue to push her clit slightly from behind, while sucking and moving your tongue over her. You do not need to add speed or pressure unless she asks for it. Keep sucking, but pull your tongue back on top of her clit so she can lock into you. You can create a beautiful arc where you hold her in total stillness as she comes.

As she goes over, stay present. Stay connected. Do not try to make her come; simply magnetize her orgasm toward you. Feel how there is an electrical charge running through her body. As you release the sucking, feel her body go into the familiar contractions. The longer you spend in the stillness, the more powerful the contractions will be. It will feel like her pussy is sucking your fingers up inside it, drawing you in.

As the contractions slow, move back slowly so that you can apply pressure to her body. You can apply pressure anywhere on her body, and it will ground her pussy; remember, it’s all connected for a woman. Straddle her and press both hands down against her heart and chest, between her breasts. Slowly move your hands to her shoulders, and once again press down firmly. When you feel her relax, stretch out and lie on top of her until you can feel every part of her body exhale. Do not worry if she begins to cry. Wrap your arms around her so she knows you are still there.

Then, tell
her
a secret.

Slow Sex for Men

We’ve always thought that what men wanted was simple: sex. And of course, they do want sex. We all do. But contrary to popular mythology, sex in its traditional definition is not
all
that men want. They want climax, yes, but they also want orgasm—orgasm in its most expansive form: that state of total absorption in pleasurable sensation that all of us are looking for to nourish and hydrate a deeper part of ourselves. Men want both sides of orgasm, in other words, including the side that comes most naturally to women. Moreover, they want to plug into us, because we have access to that which they are missing.

And yet we women are frozen in a state of withholding that orgasm, not feeding our own hunger for fear of losing ground to him. For fear that he will pillage and burn the only thing we own that is really ours. We’ve used diversion tactics, complaints, and meanness (both subtle and overt) to keep our storehouse safe. Orgasm, we believe, is all that we have.

As a result, we are all starving.

So when we ask the question “What do men want?” the answer is simple. They want to know how to unfreeze you, because you hold the key to what they want most in life. You hold the key to their happiness.

Oh, and they want sex. That, too. But they want the kind of sex that a
woman
truly desires—the kind that turns her on, the kind she enjoys just as much as he does. So, just as I instruct the men to stroke for their own pleasure during OM, my primary instruction for women during any form of Slow Sex is to go for her own pleasure rather than his. This is easy enough to do during OM, and seems workable (if not exactly status quo) when it comes to intercourse as well. Performing oral sex on him, however, is a different issue. Though this isn’t the case for every single woman, overall we’ve categorized the blow job as an act of selfless altruism. If we enjoy it at all, we enjoy it because it makes us feel powerful—it’s one of the few ways we can consistently bring him to his knees—and also because we genuinely love him and it makes us happy to provide him with such exquisite pleasure. But using it as a reliable, even preferred path to our own get-off? Most of us have not considered it, and we wouldn’t know where to begin to try.

Bringing the principles of Slow Sex to the art of oral sex is a place to begin. Strip it down, feel the sensation in your body, and follow your own desire. Here is something to get you started.

Exercise. Slow Oral for Him (aka, Cocksucking for Her Pleasure)

First, there must be desire—yours. Not the desire to please him, not the desire to get something in return, but simply the desire to feel the sensation of your mouth wrapped around him. The desire to feel the sensations that rise and fall, from your pussy to your tongue, as you stroke his cock up and down with your lips. The way his quiet moans enter your body, mixing in with your sensations until it feels like they are yours as well as his.

If you are sucking him for any other reason, do not move forward. You will only be refreezing what has become looser, more permeable, more liquid through OM. Do something else instead: have intercourse, have an OM. Save Slow Oral for another day, until the idea of sucking his cock for your own pleasure ignites a desire within you that is so powerful, so undeniable, that nothing could keep you away.

Part One: Preparation

Look at your man. See him for all of who he is—for his strength and his toughness, as well as for his vulnerability and his disappointments. Feel the love you have for him. Feel the desire you have for him. Then, if your desire is truly there, ask him gently, kindly, if he would allow you to suck his cock. Warn him that you will be doing so for your own pleasure; this will be different from oral sex he may have received in the past. Let that land with him. Give him the chance to feel the sensation of your true desire. The truth that you are doing this for
you
. The fact that you will be enjoying this as much, if not more, than he will be. He may never have felt this before; do not move too quickly.

Part Two: Tasting the Sensation of His Arousal

Ask him to take off his clothes, and take yours off as well. Go at your own pace, yet do not feel the need to linger. Have him lie down on the bed. Help him get into position; put pillows behind his knees and head. Adjust and position him. You want him to feel how you are handling him. He doesn’t need to do anything. You are in control. Move him to suit your desire; follow the sensations you feel in your own body.

Allow your animal instinct to rise to the surface of your skin. Let your breasts skim his body as you move over him, feeling the electricity grow between you. He may want to adjust his own position, but that is not for him to do. If you sense him about to move, press down on him using steady, gentle pressure, holding him until he stills. Let him know he is not the one in charge. Remind him that you appreciate his help, but that you don’t need it—you have this entirely under control. Touch him the way you touch something you know very well; something you own. Take possession of his body. Do not be tentative.

Tips for Slow Oral for Him

Feed your own hunger. Only perform oral sex for him if you truly have the desire to do so.

Tell him your desire. Tell him how much you want to suck his cock and how you are going to do it for your own pleasure rather than his.