Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (18 page)

But for today, don’t worry about making it sustainable; just experience it together with your partner. Strokers, practice stroking upward throughout the session. Begin slowly and lightly, adjusting your pressure to continue the energy running upward throughout the session. Remember: a little intention goes a long way. You’re keeping your finger on her clit for both strokes, just giving a little bit more emphasis to the upstroke than the down. Listen to your partner; if she is feeling any discomfort with the continuous up, feel free to shift the stroke down for a few moments. The point here is not to stroke upward unfailingly and without respite, especially not if your partner is writhing with overstimulation. Receivers, this is a great place to put the skill you honed yesterday—the skill of speaking your sensations—to work. Both of you will learn more if you talk to each other about what you’re feeling as you stroke yourselves right up to the sexual peaks and beyond.

Day Four Practice

Session 1: Basic OM practice, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Session 2: All-Upstroke OM, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Journaling: Write for ten minutes about the All-Upstroke OM. How did it make you feel? Would you want to do an All-Upstroke OM again? Why or why not? Write down the frames you and your partner shared. You’ll thank me later: further down the line, when you’re wise and savvy OMers, you’ll wish you could recapture your first experience of the mighty upstroke.

Day Five: Going Down (aka the All-Downstroke OM)

Today’s focus is going to give you a sense of what it feels like to stroke or be stroked
downward
throughout the session. Most students report that whereas upstrokes bring a sense of headiness, euphoria, and buoyancy, downstrokes have a rich, earthy, grounded quality to them. In a world where we seem always to be chasing the highs and avoiding the lows, there is something especially rocking (that’s a technical term) about a practice where success requires
descent
instead of
ascent
. Then there’s the fact that an All-Down OM can be a wonderfully sensational, nourishing, delicious experience in and of itself. We so rarely just let ourselves sink down into the sexy earthiness of our bodies that a fifteen-minute mud bath of sorts is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.

Just as with the up OM, begin slowly. You may want to massage her legs before stroking, kneading her thighs and calves very deliberately to help her sink into the feeling sense in her body. When you begin stroking, use a more attentive touch than usual. Not too hard, but not too soft, either. Stroke her downward with broad, meaty strokes, perhaps using the whole pad of your finger instead of the tip. Ask her how she’s feeling, and adjust the stroke based on the feedback she gives you. Allow yourself to really go where the stroke is asking you to go. We can sometimes resist plumbing the depths for fear of what might be lurking. Notice and then let go of any resistance you might be feeling. Let the waves of the down wash over you both. There’s little in this world more satisfying than the weighty heaviness of down. It’s like being insanely hungry and
having a huge juicy steak set in front of you. Don’t forget to taste every delicious bite.

Day Five Practice

Session 1: Basic OM practice, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Session 2: All-Downstroke OM, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Journaling: Set your timer and write for ten minutes about your experience of the All-Downstroke OM. Did you find it satisfying, neutral, awful? How did it compare to yesterday’s All-Upstroke version? If you had to describe the sensation of “down,” what adjectives would you use? Again, write down the frames you and your partner shared for this OM—you’ll be informed—and likely amused—by them at a later date.

Day Six: Playing with Pressure

Now that your explorations have taken you both up and down, the next step is to investigate the power of pressure. Pressure, like direction, can have a major impact on the sensations that both partners feel during an OM. Used consciously, it’s one of the best tools a stroker has to keep sensation increasing over the course of the session.

At the risk of a pun, pressure can be a sensitive issue. Too much pressure, coupled with too much speed, can result in the numbness that is one of the top complaints I hear from female students about their “regular” sex lives. The harder/faster paradigm works wonders for the male apparatus, but it can be deadening to our lacy lady parts. As soon as I say this in class, however, a lot of well-manicured
hands go up. These women, for their part, really
enjoy
hard and fast during sex. And I’m sure they do; I know I did. But then I started OMing regularly, and suddenly a whole new world of nuance was mine for the enjoyment. I had become accustomed to a clit that was numbed out or somewhat raw after sex—I didn’t even see anything wrong with it, because I had always believed that was what to expect with sex. So I was surprised to discover that my clit was more nuanced, more sensitive, and more capable of picking up subtle sensation
after
OMing than before. And whereas at first I craved more pressure, as time went on I developed an exquisite ability to get off on even the lightest stroke.

In other words, pressure is rich territory for your exploration. Applied in the right places, heavier pressure can offer many of the same qualities as downstrokes: earthiness, pleasant heaviness, and rich satisfaction. Lighter strokes, on the other hand, can add featherweight buoyancy. Today, your assignment is simply to play with both. Start off heavier, until it feels like the OM has ignited. Then switch to lighter strokes, and see how the quality of sensation changes. Be sure to exercise your communication muscle. Strokers, prepare your partner before you up the pressure or switch to a lighter stroke. This not only reminds her to pay attention (minds are built to wander, after all), but it also keeps her from getting surprised by a remarkably strong stroke. Both partners should also now be adept at naming sensations they’re feeling during the practice. Though we haven’t technically arrived at the lesson about making offers and requests (coming up on day eight), feel free to make use of the Yes/And communication skills you learned in chapter 3. If you want him to stroke with more
pressure, say so. If you want to know if you can stroke her even more lightly, don’t hesitate to ask.

Day Six Practice

Session 1: Basic OM practice, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Session 2: Playing with Pressure OM, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Journaling: Set your timer for ten minutes and write about your experience playing with pressure during today’s OM. How much of a difference could you sense between the heavier strokes and the lighter ones? Did you have a preference for one over the other? If you had that OM to do over again, what might you do differently? How has pressure played into your “regular” sex life, and did you get any insight from today’s focus about how you might want to use it differently?

Day Seven: Setting the Pace (aka the Speed-Stroke OM)

Just like pressure, speed is one of the most misunderstood qualities in sex. From the way sex is portrayed in the media, you’d think faster was always better. But that’s only because faster makes for more entertaining visuals. Anyone who’s tried the slow route knows that the best sex of all is the kind where you don’t want to move—not even an inch. Where the sensation is so incredible and you’re so connected to your partner that you just want to savor whatever it is you’re feeling right now, in whatever position you’re in.
That’s
the kind of sex we’re all looking for, the kind where we can feel
every sensation as it rises and falls, like a piece of chocolate melting on the tongue.

Today you’re going to explore the territory of speed. Strokers, I want you to use the sensations in your own body as much as your partner’s feedback to determine when to apply a faster stroke and when to go more slowly. A faster stroke quickens the heart. Too fast feels like trying to catch a train that left without you. Slowing the stroke gives a temporary exhale, a much needed breather. But go too slow and you’ll feel like nothing’s shaking—like you’re standing around waiting for something to happen. Play around with all of these different feelings, speeding up here and slowing down there. Tell your partner what to expect as you change pace, and tell her about the sensations the shifting of speed brings up in your body. Then ask her what she’s feeling, and really listen. Men tend to be very surprised by how much sensation they can create even at a very slow pace. Learn how to put speed to use, and you’ll soon be making the most of every single stroke.

Day Seven Practice

Session 1: Basic OM practice, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Session 2: Speed-Stroke OM, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Journaling: Write for ten minutes about your two OM sessions. How did the quality of the Speed-Stroke OM differ from the basic practice? What about the difference between the faster stroking and the slower stroking? Were you surprised by your experience of speed? In what ways? Did you have a preference for slower or faster stroking? What was it like to communicate with your partner around speed?

Day Eight: Making Offers and Requests

Today you’ll hone the communication skills you’ve already been working with by practicing making offers (if you’re the stroker) and requests (if you’re the receiver). Start with one session of basic OM practice, paying special attention to your own desire. Are there moments when your stroker shifts the stroke in a way that diminishes sensation instead of increasing it? If so, were you willing to make the request that he go back to the more sensational stroke? Most receivers start off hesitant to really communicate their requests to their stroker. As women, we are conditioned to a “take what you can get” relationship with sex. We might be emboldened enough to ask for certain larger things—oral sex, or a particular position that we like—but when it comes to the subtleties of motion, pressure, and speed, we tend to keep to ourselves for fear of insulting the admittedly fragile egos of our beloved men. For their part, said men are reluctant to ask for direction from us for fear of looking like they don’t already know—just know, without having to ask—exactly what they’re doing. So we end up with the men powering through and the women acting as if. Today, that dynamic gets put to rest.

Guys, your secret is out: she
knows
you don’t always know what you’re doing. Ladies, if there’s one thing that surprised me when I first got into the business of being a sex mentor it was the discovery of just how much men desire our feedback, because it helps them please us. So both of you—start talking.

Today you will take turns making offers and requests throughout the OM. Strokers, use the construction we
covered in chapter 3—“Would you like me to stroke faster/slower/softer/firmer?” This way, she’s either affirming that you’re already doing a great job or she’s giving you specific feedback you can put to use immediately. Receivers, don’t forget to tell him something that feels great—the pressure he’s putting on your leg, his hand underneath your ass, the location of the stroke—before you make your request. Then, use the same “Would you…” construction. You’re not asking him if he
can
stroke a little more softly—of course he can, he’s perfectly capable of it—you’re asking him if he’d be
willing
to. It may seem like a small difference here on the page, but it feels completely different in practice. Alternate making requests and offers, aiming for three to five communications per partner over the course of the fifteen-minute session.

Note that you can never practice this focus enough. Making offers (for him) and requests (for her) is a reversal of the gender messages we’ve been given by society. Women are conditioned not to ask for too much; men are conditioned that it’s a sign of weakness to stop and ask for directions. As is the way with Slow Sex, we’re in the business of breaking down conditioning and rebuilding our sex from the foundations. So I encourage you to use this focus not just today, but as often as you need to until asking and offering become second nature to both of you.

Day Eight Practice

Session 1: Basic OM practice paying close attention to any requests and offers you aren’t making, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Session 2: Offers and Requests OM, 15 minutes + sharing frames

Journaling: Write for ten minutes about your two OM sessions today. On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable do you feel making offers/requests? Did you feel like your partner held up their end of the deal, shifting per your request or giving you the feedback you were asking for? Do you find this kind of communication helpful? Comfortable? Why or why not?

Day Nine: The One-Stroke OM

As I mentioned earlier in the chapter, today’s focus—the One-Stroke OM—often becomes a favorite among the women. Its allure has to do with the intense, luscious sensation it produces, yes. But it’s also a lot of fun to see just how
surprised
guys are when they realize how very, very slow she actually likes it. The One-Stroke OM is just that: one fifteen-minute stroke from the bottom of her clit to the top and back down again. Strokers, it’s up to you to pace yourselves so the stroke lasts the full fifteen minutes. As for pressure, you can vary it however you choose, lighter at some points, firmer at others. The point (outside of sheer enjoyment) is to show, in an admittedly exaggerated way, just how little motion it takes to get a woman off. Compare this single stroke to what markets itself as “great sex” in the media and watch your beliefs about sex start to quiver and quake like—well, like your woman while you’re giving her this sensational stroke.