Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (10 page)

“I started to cry during my first OM. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have to give anything in return for the attention he was giving me. It was the first time in my life.”

—Elaine, 52

“At first, I was very sexually stimulated by seeing and touching her pussy. I just wanted to have sex. But after a couple of months, our OMing has become more relaxed and rhythmic. I get less aroused, and instead I’ve become aware of the tingling in my fingers and the swirling in my stomach. I’m more tuned into unpredictable events like a sudden loud moan from my partner, and I’m noticing the unconscious response of my body as it aligns with each new moment.”

—Seth, 27

Exercise. Nesting: Setting Up for Your OM

Choose the Space. Decide on a private, comfortable location where both you and your partner can relax—a bed is probably the most intuitive choice, though some new strokers find it easier to get into position if they sit on a firmer surface, like the floor. Couples who live together also sometimes prefer to OM somewhere other than their primary bed, to differentiate their nest from the space they use to sleep and have regular sex. Wherever you choose to OM, remember to reserve the nest you create for OMing only. If you decide you’d like to have sex or even just spoon a little bit afterward, move to a different location or put the nest away first.

Set Up the Nest. A primary component of OM is the stroker’s ability to see what he’s doing, so the lights remain on during the OM. That said, the lighting should be soft and inviting—well-lit, but not alarmingly bright.

Set up the support pillows where you will be OMing. The pillows can be arranged in a triangle: one for under her head, one for under her left knee, and one or two for the stroker to sit on. If there is any chance of her feet getting cold, consider keeping a blanket nearby. To keep things moving as smoothly as possible during the OM, you’ll want a personal lubricant of some kind. (After many years of trying out different lubes, I have some favorites. See Further Resources for more information about lube or to purchase a complete OMing kit.) You’ll also want a hand towel to keep the lube situation in check, and a timer—preferably one whose ring isn’t too loud or abrupt. If you decide to use the timer on your cell phone, ensure that the notification sounds for incoming calls, texts, and e-mails are turned off. (Nothing like hearing your special “Mom” ringtone while you’re in the middle of an OM.)

Undressing. Part of the ritual of OM is for the receiving partner to take off her clothes from the waist down, but keep the rest of her clothes on. The stroker remains fully dressed. This is one more way we differentiate OM from regular sex, and it helps keep the partners focused on the sensation of orgasm that can already be felt rising between them. There is no right or wrong way for her to undress—the simpler, the better. There is no need to add anything to the process, not even modesty. All she needs to do is to undress. No more, no less.

“At first I was really conscious of the fact that I was taking off my pants. Like, ‘here I go… taking off the pants…’ but that only lasted for a couple of OMs. Then it just felt really free. It started to feel like one of the most exciting parts of the OM.”

—Katy, 23

Indeed, undressing is a moment to savor, for both partners. Taking off her pants and revealing herself is the moment when she truly commits to the OM. If you’re the stroker, try to feel her commitment when it locks in. Taking off her clothes is the point where her “yes, in theory” becomes a “yes, we’re doing this.” It is a very potent moment, especially for new OMers. Taking off her clothing is an act of exposure; she is letting her partner into her personal space. The result is high sensation, even for couples who have been together for a long time. After all, it’s rare for both partners to be looking with this much attention at her pussy. This fact can be confronting for both of them, as well as extraordinarily intimate. Try to be there for the sensations of both.

The OMing position

Assume the Position. Lay down the hand towel in the center of the nest, and guide your partner to lie down so the towel is under her rear end. The towel is a practical strategy—it keeps lube from getting all over your bed/blanket/bearskin rug.

Guide your partner to butterfly her legs open, with her left knee supported by a pillow and another pillow under her head. Her right knee will be supported by your body. When she is comfortable, sit on the pillow at her right, sliding your right leg beneath hers and putting your left leg over her belly. Position her left foot so it is resting against your right calf or foot. (Make sure her foot is not resting on
top
of your leg, or you’ll experience what we lovingly call “OMing Leg”—a temporary but uncomfortable lack of sensation with death-by-pins-and-needles not far behind.)

Use as many pillows, folded blankets, and other supports as you need. Some strokers like a pillow beneath their left foot, while others want one to support their right knee. Feel free to improvise here; the goal is to find a position you can stay in for fifteen minutes with minimal adjustment. (You should, however, feel free to adjust at any time if you need to—you may need to shift around quite a bit during your first few OMs as you get used to this new position.) Many new strokers find they become tense in the neck, shoulders, and arms. Try to bring your attention to these areas and relax them consciously before the practice begins.

If you discover a variation of this posture that is more comfortable for you, by all means use it. The stroker may want to sit with his back up against a wall for support, or play with the number of pillows he’s sitting on so he is higher or lower. Eventually you will find the right combination for you. One of the biggest challenges for men starting to OM is finding a posture they can hold comfortably for the duration of the OM—so if you’re having a hard time, you’re not alone. Keep trying different adjustments while you get used to it. Over time the position truly does become second nature.

Once you are seated comfortably, take a deep breath and feel your body. Get in touch with the sensations that are already beginning to build between you and your partner. What do you feel in your stomach? Your chest? Your genitals? Once you have made contact with what’s going on inside, turn your attention back toward your partner and move into the “Noticing” step.

Step Three: Noticing

Noticing is where the stroker looks at his partner’s genitals and speaks a few sentences describing what he sees. My female students tend to cringe a little bit the first time they hear about this step. He’s going to gaze at
that
? And then…
talk about it
? Most women have a very different relationship with our private regions than our male counterparts. While guys have been conditioned to feel pride about their penises, we women have gotten the opposite message about our lady parts. We’ve been told our pussies are messy, funny-looking, and have the genital version of halitosis. Given all the judgments we’ve been subjected to, the thought of someone actively observing us can dredge up a lifetime of embarrassment.

The “P” Word

One reason I love OM is that it gives both men and women the opportunity to let go of any hard feelings that might exist between them and the female genitals. And sadly, if you’ve grown up on the grid in Western society, you most likely have a complicated relationship with the pussy. It’s almost impossible to avoid. If you’re a woman, then it’s likely you’re right this very minute having a problem with the fact that I’m using the word “pussy” at all. Why
that
word? Fact is, it’s the perfect word. Vagina, genitals, the c-word-that-dare-not-speak-its-name—none have the soft, tender sensibility of “pussy.” The word has grown on me, and on my students as well. Maybe it will grow on you, too—maybe not. But imagine: if we can let go of the idea that this word itself is dirty, perhaps we can also let go of the similar connotations we have for the body part it describes. (The same goes for the word “cock,” whose sexiness quotient far exceeds that of “penis” or “dick.” Try it: you might just find yourself wanting to use it. A lot.)

For this very reason, I remember the noticing step as the most significant moment of my own first OM. I was lying there, frozen like a Popsicle, as my partner shined a light on my genitals and started describing them. “Your inner labia look like coral. There is a deep rose color at the edges and it fades into a pearlescent pink at the base. I can see your clitoris peeking out from beneath your hood, which is tilted slightly to the side.” At first I was mortified. But he went on like this for a good two or three minutes, and over the course of that time I started to soften. It was the weirdest experience I’d ever had in my life, but by the time he was done, some part of me had melted. He’d given me the most precise, detailed vision of my own genitals I’d ever had. I realized that I had never really looked at my pussy. I couldn’t stop the emotions from rising up. Tears streamed down my cheeks. He had looked “down there” with such clean attention. His tenderness unlocked something inside of me.

I hear similar stories from my students all the time. Heidi, one longtime OMer, talks about how difficult it was to start
the practice because she disliked her genitals so much. Her self-esteem had long been so low on this front that she’d never really enjoyed receiving oral sex, for fear her partner would actually look at what he was doing.

It was a revelation, then, when an OM partner said to Heidi, after a particularly sensational session, that he thought her privates were beautiful.

“I was completely shocked and made him repeat what he’d just said,” she tells me. “I couldn’t believe it. Over the next few weeks I watched as my own feelings toward my pussy changed. Just having my partner’s approval started to unravel a whole lifetime of my own judgments. It’s amazing how quickly that can happen.”

Noticing begins when you, the stroker, place your attention on what you see. Describe it using words that connote color, shape, and relative location, and try to avoid offering an interpretation of what you see. Even positive interpretations—statements about how beautiful, elegant, or otherwise fantastic her pussy looks to you—should be held for later. (Don’t forget to tell her later, though!) We rarely receive feedback from other people that is not tinged with their own judgment, whether positive or negative. It can be an amazing experience during OM for a woman to simply be seen, just as she is. It is also liberating for the stroker: if you describe how you feel about what you see, what if you don’t like it? (And you may not like it at first—that’s not uncommon.) The temptation is to slip into white lie territory, to try to make her feel good, at the sacrifice of authenticity. So simply tell the truth of what you see—its color, shape, and relative location. Your clean attention has a much more powerful effect than any compliments you could add to it.

“Normally, when a guy talks to me about how I look, he’s not saying much about me—he’s talking about his opinion of me. This was the first time I felt like he was actually seeing
me
, describing
me
. It felt like I was inside of his body looking back at me, and it was amazing. I have always hated my private parts. But when he described them, I liked them for the first time. He didn’t say they were pretty, and I wouldn’t have believed it if he did. Just the way he described them, they sounded nice.”

—Maggie, 35

“My first experience with oral sex wasn’t great, and from then on I just got it in my brain that, ‘this place is scary.’ I didn’t want to go down there, not like it, and then hurt her feelings. So instead, I would just avoid it completely. I would rather not have sex than hurt someone’s feelings. Now that I’ve been OMing, it’s night and day. I have so much more bandwidth there. The pussy has become demystified. It’s gone from scary to intriguing to fascinating to
Oh my God, there is a whole thing here that’s fucking amazing!
”