Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (24 page)

Notice him. Look at him deeply before you begin.

Ground him repeatedly. Press down firmly on his body throughout so he knows you are in control.

Feel your body. Feel your own sensations as you go.

Go further. Explore his undercock, his balls, and the soft spot at the back of your own throat.

Be conscious. Stay present and aware throughout.

Feel your own desire, and take pleasure as you knead his body. Let your arousal draw out his own. Feel the way his muscle and bone rest beneath your hands. Be sure to take everything from him that you want.

Smell his skin. Inhale his scent, the way an animal tracks its prey. Draw the scent of him down into your belly, farther down into your genitals. You are taking him inside you. How does he feel there?

Put your ear to his belly. Listen to the sounds of him. Go inside him in this way; see how far inside him your attention can penetrate. Listen to the way his body thumps and roars. Feel the aliveness inside him, how every part of him is in motion.

Now press down on his chest firmly. See if you can push with your own inner body, the invisible one. Push as if you are pushing yourself into him. As if you can see in, through his skin and into his chest. Then rest there. Be still inside him. Then allow your body to slide down along his, the way you would rub your body along silk sheets.

Part Three: Drawing Out His Orgasm

Gently rub your cheeks and face inside his legs. Feel how being near his cock electrifies you. Feel every sensation as you inch closer and closer. Absorb each sensation as if you were digesting it. Feel it spread out to your extremities, nourishing every cell of your body in the process.

When the sensations of desire become too much to bear, you are ready. Take him in your hands.

Look at his cock. Study it carefully. Notice the coloring along the rim, the way a vein pulses along the shaft. Feel the tenderness of this most tender organ. How when it is not yet completely hard, it is almost like a small animal. Feel its heat radiating into the skin of your hands. If he moves his hips to diminish the sensation your attention generates in him, use one hand to firmly press his hip back into the bed. Remind him that he is not in charge. Allow the heat of his cock to once again penetrate your skin.

Imagine what it will taste like. Then feel your own body. Feel your own genitals and lips, how they may swell at the thought. Feel your pussy and notice any sensation there. Is there heat, or tingling, or a desire to pull up to hold on to sensation? Try pushing out through your perineum, as if to clear anything stuck or frozen inside you. Then return your attention to his cock.

Move one hand beneath his balls, simply for the pleasure of feeling them in your hands. You are not touching him for any reason other than to take your own pleasure. He may start to rock and moan; do not be distracted. Feel his balls, how they seem to move slightly in your hand, how they are out of his volition. Then feel the firm undercock beneath them. Gently press into it, massaging it. Feel how when you press it, the shaft of his cock moves in your hand. Begin to rock his cock with both hands, back and forth, as if you were gently shimmying the bottom cock loose. Feel how both parts of him swell in unison.

Now is the moment for you to free your own desire. Free it. Then free it even more. Allow your desire to rise up like a wave; imagine that your deepest hunger is about to be fed. You can feel it deep in your stomach, all the way down to your genitals. Now imagine what it would feel like to have something warm and soft and electric touching that deep spot inside you. Feel your hunger for it, and imagine it being filled.

When you are ready, bring your mouth to his cock. Brush your lips with the head of it. Take a tiny taste like a sip, touching your tongue lightly. Taste him. Give tiny kisses, the way you would kiss a baby’s head—the kind of kisses that make you feel better in the giving. When you are ready, wrap your lips around the tip, making sure not to let your teeth graze his shaft. Relax your lips as much as you can—it is possible to do with practice. Hold his cock at the base with one hand, your fingers wrapped around it in the shape of an “o.” Use the other hand to push upward from the undercock, beneath his balls. Allow yourself to suck his head gently, wetting it with your saliva.

Move slowly. Take everything you can from his body; pull him into you. Draw his cock over your tongue. Feel the way it feels to brush him over your taste buds. Flick your tongue along the apex, that “v” at the front of his head. Let your tongue find that groove. When you are ready for a different sensation, slide your tongue down the vein that runs along the shaft. Feel how it has a kind of buoyancy, how it bulges on either side of where your tongue compresses. Taste him all the way down.

Only once you have taken all the pleasure you can from licking and sucking him, take his cock into your mouth. Take in as much as fits comfortably. Let it rest there in your mouth, as if letting a piece of chocolate melt on your tongue. Slowly slide it farther into your mouth, toward the back of your throat.

There is a secret I will share with you. At the back of your throat, there is a soft and fleshy point where you can access intensely pleasurable sensation. Most women never discover it, because it requires you to slide him past your gag reflex. Go slowly, and relax. You are on a mission of discovery. See if you can slide him all the way back until you can gently tap his cock against the soft spot there. If you make it, feel how it causes contractions in your throat. Relax into them. Feel how they can be as pleasurable as the contractions in your pussy when he strokes you. Allow your throat to soften and wrap around his cock as you stroke your soft spot with the tip of it. Feel how it seems to send shock waves down to your pussy and back up again. Feel how your mouth begins to feel like an extension of your pussy.

Slowly pull him out of your mouth. Feel the pleasure of it. As you pull his cock out of your throat apply a slight sucking, so you are pulling him gently in opposite directions. Feel how when that tension in your throat relaxes, it spreads out in waves through the rest of your body. Then pull him back into your throat, and notice how all of you seems to tighten and squeeze around him. Let your whole being fold around him in this way. Gather all your attention and place it on his cock in your mouth.

If you find yourself feeling emotional, don’t hold back. Let it all flow. Feel how sexy it is to let go of all decorum, to feed your hunger first before trying to look good.

Part Four: Going Deeper

Feel your own body and the energy of orgasm running through it. Do you have a desire to bring him to climax? If so, keep running him in and out of your mouth, using your hands as an extension of your mouth. With your tongue, press against the front of his cock as you run up and down. Allow your tongue to hit his apex every time you come up.

You will feel him swell in your mouth as he prepares to go over. Check in with your desire. Do you have a hunger to take his come in your belly? If so, slide him back into your throat and milk the climax out of him. If not, take care of the final touches with your hands.

Stay conscious and present as he goes over. Feel him contract in your mouth or your hands. Move slowly. Once he is finished, squeeze him firmly. Hold him there. Just as when he grounds you after an OM, he can take more pressure than you probably expect. Hold him until you feel a landing in his body or your own; until it feels like something has completely exhaled.

Get up and wet a towel with warm water. Squeeze it out and wrap it around his cock. Clean him up sweetly, using your attention to wipe him slowly, carefully, intimately. Dry him off with a dry towel. Take your time here. You’re grounding his body and your own, and integrating the orgasmic experience the two of you had together.

Slow Intercourse

Intercourse is the centerpiece, the glorious beating heart of our sexual universe. It calls forth the best of everything we have: body, soul, flesh, desire. But because it shines so brightly, it can’t help but draw out our shadow as well. Our shame and self-consciousness, our insecurities and most deeply rooted fears.

Intercourse is the spark that sets all life in motion; quite literally, it’s the beginning of everything. Everything except Slow Sex, as you may have noticed. In this world, intercourse comes at the end, after we’ve stripped down and thawed out and learned how to feel and learned how to open. It comes after we’ve taken the time to listen and feel and understand one another. Because its very centrality, its primacy within the sexual landscape, means it magnetizes our most stubborn and complicated habits. We have been carrying around so many
very big ideas
about it, and for so long—since we were ten or twelve or sixteen years old—that it takes quite a bit of OM-level unlearning before we can trust ourselves to drop down into its warm embrace without the armor of expectation, judgment, and self-criticism.

But it can be done. All it takes is subtracting anything extra, letting sensation chart your course, and staying open
to whatever comes up along the way. And while sex does not take well to a recipe, I’ve discovered over the years that it’s perfectly happy to receive a little nudge in the right direction. So here I offer you, for inspiration rather than replication, a Slow Sex guide for Slow…
Sex
.

Exercise. Slow Intercourse

We begin, as always, with desire. Many reasons come to mind for having sex, some of them desire-based and others not. But here, today, let it be for desire. Which sensations of desire can you feel in your body? Do they feel warm, glowing, rising? Do they feel sticky, tingly, aching? Can you feel your partner’s desire, using your own senses as a thermometer? Does your partner’s desire draw you in, immerse you? Or does it repel you, even slightly, like the wrong side of a magnet? Feel the desire to merge, the intimate dance that is rising between you. You do not need to add anything to it. Simply take the time to feel the sensations in your body before you begin.

Part One: Preparation

Carefully choose the location where you are going to fuck, making sure it feels lush and sexy, a safe haven, a nest where your desire can come out of its shell unharmed. Bring in pillows or blankets if you want a soft landing. Or strip down to the bare sensation of the two of you, on a sheet, on the bed.

Leave the lights on. Not glaring, not harsh, but soft and revealing. Let your partner see every part of you, draw in every nutrient you have to offer.

Help your partner remove their clothes. Get down on your knees in front of them; help them remove each sock; slide their pants to the floor. Then let them help you with yours, carefully unbuckling your belt, slowly unzipping your jeans, sweater over the head, hair tousled and tangled and beautiful.

Prepare one another, your naked bodies warming up with every touch. Turn on your senses—your feeling and tasting, listening and smelling. Knead each other; taste one another’s skin. Feel your partner’s body under your hands; see if you can run your fingertips over every part of her body before you ever lie down. What does he taste like? Does she smell like an animal, gamey and ripe, or like sunlight, sweet and salty at the same time?

Feel the negotiations your bodies are making. Use your whole bodies. Stretch and fold into each other. Feel the engine revving inside you; feel the urge to mount and scratch the itch that brought you to this place. Sink your teeth into your partner’s flesh, digging and then resting. Let him feel the danger of your deepest hunger, rising to the surface. Notice the moments of shyness or surges of power. Pay attention. You are getting into relationship not just with your partner, but with the orgasm that is already rising between you.

Tips for Slow Intercourse

Feel your desire. Experience the rising turn-on and talk about it with your partner.

Choose the right location. Create a space that matches the kind of sex you want to have.

Leave the lights on. Sex is not something to keep in the dark.

Undress together. Savor the revelation of your partner’s body, moment by moment.

Go slowly. Feel, communicate, and explore, knowing and letting the hunger build.

Shift stroke. Feel deeply and change your stroke when sensation begins to decrease.

Feel the orgasm. Speak your sensations as orgasm builds, peaks, and crests between you.

Tell one another what you desire. Feel the vibration in your throat as the sound exits. Feel how good it is to use your voice, to reveal yourself.

Feel all the different ways your bodies might come together. Do you want to sit atop him, pressing with your hands down hard into his chest, letting your hair fall on his face? Or do you want to lie back, a slight whimper in your throat as he takes you? Do you want to lie side-by-side, your legs wrapped around him, your breasts pressed against him so not even a slip of tissue-light paper could come between you? Do you want to hold his hands back over his head and feel him as a captive? Let out your bad and dangerous desires—the ones that normally only whisper to you through fantasy. This is the time when everything can come out and play.

Part Two: Heavier Strokes

Kiss him. Let your saliva mix and mingle, then glide your lips across hers so lightly. Feel how the electricity grows when you do. Feel the pull to press harder. Then don’t. Slide your tongue along the outline of his lips. Feel the tender inside, the little bumps and grooves. Feel the underside of your tongue on the inside of her lip and how naked it feels. Push his mouth open with yours. Run your tongue along the roof of it.