Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (13 page)

Two-Minute Warning—Stroker, let your partner know when there are two minutes left, simply by saying “two minutes.”

Grounding—Once the stroker calls “time,” he applies pressure to his partner’s genitals using the palms of his hands. He then uses the hand towel to remove any excess lube.

Sharing Frames—The partners each share a particularly memorable moment of sensation from the OM.

Stroking for Your Own Pleasure

The early days of OM are not always easy on a stroker. We all know that sex is more complicated than it looks, and I’m afraid Slow Sex is no different. As simple as the instruction appears, fear and insecurity can and often do plague both partners, especially at the beginning. I’ve tried all sorts of tactics, from heavy praise to reverse psychology, in order to convince new students to believe me when I say
it’s okay
and
you’re doing great
. (It is, and you are—I promise!) Interestingly, the most success I’ve had has come when I give one little piece of advice to the stroker (within earshot, of course, of his partner). The advice is this: when in doubt, stroke for your own pleasure, rather than hers.

Strange how far a little dose of self-interest can carry you. For the guys, it seems to give permission to turn down the volume on the running commentary that says, “you aren’t doing this well enough.” It takes his focus off watching her for signs of get-off (and then launching into self-recrimination if she doesn’t seem to be experiencing the “appropriate” level of enjoyment) and instead turns the focus inward. How does
he
feel in his body when he strokes up? When he strokes down? When he applies more pressure, or less? How can he draw pleasure of his very own from every stroke he makes? This tiny shift in focus has been known to result in a sea change in terms of his experience. Suddenly strokers find themselves flooded with greater sensation than they ever thought would be possible from any activity, not to mention one where their pants are still on.

“If my partner is only trying to ‘give’ pleasure while stroking, it feels like someone is trying to ‘do’ something to me. This is not nearly as pleasurable for me as when he is stroking as much for his pleasure as for mine. I think it has to do with how attentive he’s being to the sensation while OMing. It’s the same way that you can tell if someone enjoyed making a meal or if they just threw it together. One wants to be savored, the other consumed.”

—Diana, 45

Interestingly, receivers value this instruction just as much as their strokers. When she knows he’s focusing on his own pleasure, it takes some of the pressure off. Performance anxiety can be a big part of a receiver’s early OM practice. We women may be tempted to default to old habits of augmenting our experience, attempting to reassure him that he’s doing well by turning up the volume—breathing, moaning, and moving in ways that may not be entirely genuine. Knowing that he’s supposed to be stroking for his own pleasure makes it easier to strip down and focus on bare sensation—nothing added.

Of course, all this takes practice. Nobody gets their first OM “just right.” Some are blown away in orgasmic bliss, others are not. But I have never encountered a couple who didn’t discover something new, unexpected, and extraordinary. After your first OMing session you may not quite understand what you just experienced, but if you’re anything like my students you will know it was like nothing you’ve ever done before.

You will probably also have questions—lots of them. So before we do anything else, let me open the floor to some Q&A. You should find the answers to most of the questions you have in the next chapter, Troubleshooting.

Chapter Four

Troubleshooting

W
hen people ask me why I chose to become a sex teacher, I like to lean in and whisper, “The orgasm made me do it!” In truth, I’m only half joking. It was indeed the feeling I had when I OMed for the first time that changed everything, that altered the entire course of my life and sent me down the long and winding path that has led me to where I now stand. First and foremost, it told me that the plans I had at the time to enter the San Francisco Zen Center were not going to work; how could I become a monastic after what I’d just experienced? Not that I
knew
what I’d just experienced. I knew the event was going to alter my life in some way, far more than I could even have imagined at the time. I knew this new version of orgasm had already reset my compass. I knew I needed to be heading toward more of
that
feeling…

But what
was
that feeling? It was kind of like climax, but it wasn’t. It was kind of a spiritual experience, but not exactly. How was I supposed to be heading toward it for the rest of my life if I couldn’t even define it?

My mind couldn’t figure it out, but my body knew. This same sweet disorientation floods the room when my students return from their first OM session. It’s like they’ve ripened in that fifteen minutes; they are open and soft. That’s not to say they’re all floating on a cloud of orgasmic bliss—some of the guys are holding their lower backs awkwardly, wondering what to make of that position. Some of the women have their hands in the air already, prepared to make the case that the stroke should be firmer, longer, and/or in a different location.

There is not a pale face in the room, however. Everyone seems to be illuminated from within, their rosy cheeks and bright eyes confirming that something entirely new has just happened. And I recognize it, because it’s the same thing that happened to me all those years ago.

Unfortunately, since I am technically the sex teacher, they want me to explain it to them.

“It was just his finger on my clit… why was it so different?”

“Where does that… electricity… come from?”

“Just tell us,” they’re all pleading, “what
was
it?”

The problem is, even after all these years, even after teaching this to hundreds of students, I still don’t know how to answer that question. All I know is that it’s something, and that getting to teach this “something” is way more fun than being in a Zen monastery.

Luckily for me, swiftly on the heels of wonder comes a stampede of logistical questions, and those I can answer just fine. You may be having some of these questions, too. So let me share them with you here: some of the frequently asked,
answerable
questions—first for her, then for him, and finally for both of them together.

Troubleshooting for Her

I didn’t have a climax. Is that okay?
I put this one first because no matter what you call it, if it has “sex” in the title, we assume it must be about climax. For many women, the question of climax has been bubbling on the back burner for years, and OM only turns up the flame. It is not just that they want climax—although they do—it’s that they want to know that they are not broken. They want to know that they are not missing some vital capacity that comes to other women, and apparently most men, with effortless ease. They fear that lack of climax equates to sexual ineptitude, and the fact that they didn’t climax during their first OM has once again demonstrated their deficiency.

So here are the facts: many women do
not
climax, or “go over,” during OM. This isn’t to say that it’s verboten or wrong or a problem if you
do
end up climaxing during the session—some women certainly do. But it’s sort of neither here nor there. The goal of the practice, if there is one, is simply to feel the stroke and the sensation it generates. You’re learning how to apply attention to the feeling of orgasmic energy in the body. As a result, you have the chance to really feel your own sexual desire in a way few of us have the opportunity to do. As for the fear of feeling frustrated for lack of a climax, the second to last step of the practice—grounding—is designed specifically to reintegrate the sexual energy that has built up throughout the OM so “sexual frustration” is not a problem. “I got so turned on during the OM that I was worried when he said ‘two minutes’ and I hadn’t come,” a new student told me recently. “I was afraid I would end up feeling incomplete and horny for the rest of the day. But when he grounded me, it was like magic. I still felt turned on, but the whole thing felt
complete at the same time. It was like he packed me up and sent me on my way.” If your partner really takes the time to ground you, you’ll leave the session feeling alive, almost electrified with sexual energy—and not at all frustrated.

Speaking of sexual energy, many women actually report that they prefer
not
to go over during OM, because they come to enjoy the way OMing
sans
climax increases their sexual energy. Whereas traditional sex is about expiating or getting rid of “excess” energy through climax, OM is a way we can
build
energy. It’s an understatement to say that most women today don’t know what it feels like to have a reservoir of energy we can pull from at any time. We feel like we’re always hanging on by a thread. We are putting so much energy into our kids, our families, and our jobs that we don’t have much left over at the end of the day. Sex often feels like just one more energy-suck. In this way OM can be a revelation: You mean I can actually use sex to
generate
energy? I can use it to increase my capacity? The answer is a big, enthusiastic YES. OM gives us the opportunity to refill our tank. The energy we get from it can then be used to nourish our everyday experience—to hydrate us so that everything we do is suffused with pleasure, from work to yoga to, yes, sex.

“Before we started OMing I was always avoiding sex because it just felt like work. But something has changed, and now I see how integral sex is to our relationship. It is something I want to do, rather than something I feel like I have to do.”

—Tara, 35

I couldn’t concentrate because I hated that he was looking… you know, down there.
You’d be surprised what a
big issue this is for a whole lot of women. As previously discussed, OM can bring up a lifetime of shame and embarrassment about our genitals. The good news is, it can also
heal
a lifetime of shame and embarrassment about our genitals. Many new students report that the experience of being looked at without judgment by their partner is itself as life-changing as anything the stroking itself can do. Meantime, if you’re having a lot of resistance to the idea of being observed that closely, try one or both of these tips to help overcome the aversion to having your vagina on view:

• Go get a bikini wax.
  Please don’t mistake my meaning here: there is absolutely nothing wrong with the natural look. The emphasis in “go get a bikini wax” is on the “go get one” part. What you’ll discover, as you lie there on the table on full display, is just how totally unremarkable your pussy will be to the woman who is waxing you. The discovery that, to some people, a pussy is a pussy, was a revelation to me. Waxing professionals have seen hundreds just like yours. Yours is no less beautiful, no more weird-looking, no uglier, no less worthy of a good hard gaze than anybody else’s. Regardless of the subtle social cues telling us to keep ours hidden, just one wax job and you’ll discover that, to at least one person in the world, your genitalia are no big deal.
  
• When in doubt, name your fear.
  Talk to your partner about your concerns. There’s something about communication that has the power to crack even the most intractable fear. We’re not trying to guilt-trip him into proclaiming your parts the prettiest he’s ever seen—though he might say just that. No, the point has more to do with you than with him. Just like naming your sensations, naming your fear has a magical effect. Sometimes the fear dissolves on contact, like pouring water on the Wicked Witch of the West. In other cases the fear will still be there, but something about admitting it out loud gives you a better sense of what you’re up against. To tame your fear, name your fear, as they say.
  

I couldn’t feel anything.
When I first started OMing, my sessions always started the same way. My partner would tell me he was going to put his finger on my clit—and then I would wait. Wait to feel his finger, wait to feel his stroke. I would wait and wait… and wait. Fifteen minutes later the only frame I would be able to offer was a careful description of what numbness feels like. After a lifetime of going harder in order to get more sensation—and yes, years of using a vibrator—my body was addicted to pressure. Without it, I couldn’t feel anything.

It took—and it’s embarrassing to even admit this—almost
three years
before the warm light of attention started breaking up the icebergs in my body and I could start to feel again. Quite literally, it took me longer to thaw out than anybody I have ever worked with. So if you’re having a hard time figuring out what all this talk of “feeling sensation” is about, don’t worry. You’re not alone! After a lifetime of turning up the volume—in terms of pressure and speed—to get more sensation, most of us are just not calibrated to register a stroke that is light and slow. The good news is that in this case, practice makes perfect. Over time, and with the application of pure clean attention to the feeling of his finger meeting our clit, our bodies start to
thaw. We start to soften; we start to feel. A few OMs from now you can expect to see some cracks forming, then big chunks of ice floating away. Things are loosening up, and soon a little glimmer of sensation can get through. Maybe it’s just a stroke—just one little stroke—but the sensation is
yours
. Your attention and your desire have coaxed it out of hiding, and now you know that it’s possible.