Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (11 page)

—Dan, 38

The Anatomy of a Woman

For both men and women, the pussy can be mysterious terrain. Many of us girls whipped out the mirrors at age twelve while reading
Our Bodies, Ourselves,
and haven’t looked down there much since. Men have probably spent more time studying us, but they still seem to have a hard time finding our sweet spot. So I find that a little geography lesson is in order.

The clit

Because almost everyone knows his or her way around a penis, it can be helpful to use the analogy of a man’s genitals in understanding a woman’s. The exposed head of the clitoris is like the head of a man’s penis. It is roughly the size and shape of a pea, although it can be significantly larger or smaller. It is highly sensitive, containing eight thousand nerve endings—double the number of nerve endings on its male counterpart and the most nerve endings in any part of the human body, full stop. In order to best see her, you may need to pull back the clitoral “hood,” in the same way you would pull back the foreskin of an uncircumcised penis. You’ll notice the head of the clitoris pops out and can become enlarged with touch. Note that when we say we stroke the “upper left quadrant” of the clit during OM, we’re talking about
her
left.

The full female anatomy

Just like the head of a penis, the tip of the clitoris is only the tip of the iceberg. Like the head of a man’s penis, the woman’s clitoris is the end of a shaft. The difference is that the shaft of a woman’s clitoris runs inside of her body, just under the skin. Starting at the clitoral tip, the clitoral shaft leads back through the hood and then forks into two “crura,” which extend downward along either side of the vaginal opening. In its entirety, the clitoris looks like an upside down letter Y that is bent forward at the top. The bent tip of that Y is the clitoral tip itself.

Most people think that the tip of the clit is all they have to work with, but no! Just like a guy gets pleasure from being stroked all along his shaft, a woman can experience orgasmic pleasure through stimulation of any part of the clitoris. As Masters & Johnson pointed out years ago, all female orgasms are of clitoral provenance. So-called vaginal orgasms, including orgasms that come during intercourse, come from the stimulation of the clitoral tissues.

That said, the tip of the clit is a great place to begin, thanks to the aforementioned abundance of nerve endings and its prime real estate. So it’s the focus of our attention during OM.

Step Four: How to Stroke

For most people, even those of us who have been practicing for a long time, the experience of OM is hard to categorize. It’s kind of like sex, because it involves arousal and sexual energy and body parts we generally encounter only in that context. But at the same time, it’s also not like sex,
because it is just a stroke, and it lasts only fifteen minutes, and there is no goal. There is nothing expected between the partners except attention to the stroke itself. This is where we get to put our money where our mouth is when it comes to stripping down and adding nothing extra. OM is not the time for fancy techniques or signature moves, for performance or expectation, for romance or reciprocity. The idea is not for the stroker to “make” his partner feel anything in particular. It’s not about getting her to climax particularly. Instead, the stroker simply strokes his partner’s clit softly, and both partners pay attention to what happens in the process.

“After my first OM, I felt baffled—confused. It didn’t feel like masturbation or sex or anything I’d ever experienced before. It didn’t even feel like what it was—my boyfriend simply stroking my clitoris softly. It was something new. I wanted to scoff at it. I wanted to brush it off and explain it away. But I had to admit that something unexplainable was going on. Something great and unexpected.”

—Noelle, 29

When the noticing step is complete, you are ready to begin the OM. Set your timer for fifteen minutes. Safeport your partner by telling her that you are about to initiate contact. Begin by touching her legs, applying some pressure to her thighs with the palms of your hands. You might gently place a hand on her stomach to see if you can feel what she is feeling in her body. Once you feel connected to her physically, safeport her again: tell her that you are going to put your right hand into position. Slide your right
hand under her buttocks, and place your thumb lightly against her vaginal opening, or introitus.

Once your right hand is in place, situate your stroking arm, beginning with resting your left elbow on your left knee. Try to maintain a straight line from your elbow to your finger without breaking at the wrist. Once your left arm is in position, you are ready to begin.

Exercise. How to Stroke a Woman

1. Place lube on your left pointer finger, and let your partner know you are about to make contact.
   
2. Using that same finger, stroke once upward from her vaginal opening or introitus, ending at the upper left of her clit, spreading lube over her clit as you go.
   
3. Using your thumb and middle finger, pull back her hood so that you can see her clit. Then place the tip of your left pointer finger on the upper left quadrant (
   her
   upper left) of her clit, and slide it around a bit until there is a feeling of it “locking into” her perfect spot. Finding her spot will take practice, so don’t be discouraged if it takes some time before you feel confident. Ask your partner to let you know when you hit it, if that’s helpful.
   

   

   Finding her spot with his index finger
   

4. Begin to stroke her clit slowly, up and down, with the tip of your pointer finger. Use the lightest possible pressure to begin with, and increase from there. The strokes should be relatively short, no more than half an inch in length, and should be as consistent as you can make them.
   
5. Both partners pay attention to the point of contact between his finger and her clit. Notice how orgasmic sensation rises, peaks, and falls; how sometimes the sensation feels like it is going up and other times it feels like it is coming down. When your mind begins to wander, which it inevitably will, just come back to the sensation of his finger and her clit. Everything else will unfold naturally from there.
   

During the early stages of OMing, the stroke is cultivating the woman’s ability to receive and respond to pleasure—in other words, freeing her orgasm. With every stroke old blockages start to thaw. Soon, the icebergs of shame and repression and parental disapproval and embarrassment—icebergs that are holding her desire hostage—start breaking up. Over time, they give way completely. At that point, the stroke starts filling her tank, building a foundation of sexual energy. Over time, she increases her capacity to get more and more turned on.

In other words, there is a lot more going on when you OM than meets the eye. Still, that doesn’t mean it’s going to
feel
like there’s a lot going on—at least not at first. A lot of women have a hard time feeling the stroke at all in the early days of OM. If that’s the case, don’t worry; it’s completely normal. I barely felt anything when I first started practicing myself. We have a lifetime of desensitization that needs reversing, and it takes more time for some of us than
for others. Even once you
do
start to feel the stroke, you may or may not climax. Again, this is not a problem, either. Though individual experience may vary, climax is not a regular part of OM for most women.

“When they said it was going to be a light stroke, I didn’t know they meant
that
light. It was much lighter than I expected. I almost couldn’t feel it at first.”

—Katelyn, 21

With practice, a stroke that began so light and soft it was almost hard to feel becomes more and more potent. Both her genitals and his finger develop an exquisite level of sensitivity, to the point where they can feel much more than they did at the beginning—and often, much more than either would have expected. It’s a matter of the body learning to relax and receive sensation. When the icebergs in the body start to break up and float away, the result is more freedom, more capacity for enjoyment, and a more sensitive sexual experience. And the more sensitive we both get, the less we need fancy moves or techniques. A simple stroke becomes more than enough.

“I was really surprised to discover how much energy I could feel coming through my finger. I hadn’t really believed it was possible.”

—Brian, 26

“Resistance came up the first time we OMed. I was terrified. You think it’s going to be easy, but then you’re actually there about to stroke her and you feel like a moron. You have this male thing—you’ve been brought up with this male cockiness that’s like, ‘I’m a guy, I know what I’m doing.’ And then all of a sudden to be that clueless around that body part—it hit my pride, it hit my ego, it hit my ‘I can’t perform’ and ‘I’m not a good lover.’ It’s so humbling. It’s ancient—this idea that men are supposed to know what they’re doing. Wow, it was really confronting at first.”

—Erik, 41

Step Five: Communication

Communication is the next quietly groundbreaking step in OMing. I say quietly, because it’s hard to believe that something as basic as sharing the sensations in our bodies or asking very simply for a change of stroke could have such a powerful effect on both partners. Undoubtedly communication ranks near the top when I ask beginning students what they were most surprised about during their first OMs.

“I had always thought talking during sex ruined the moment. I wouldn’t have guessed it would feel so intimate.”

—Ryan, 37

“I’m pretty good at saying the right thing at the right time to turn him on during sex. But I didn’t realize until I started OMing that all of that was just fake. I was holding back what I really wanted to say, which was ‘can you please go more lightly’ or ‘there is this warm feeling of love pouring out of my chest right now.’ ”

—Leesa, 29

“At first I thought, ‘My partner and I already communicate during sex,’ but then when I had to start telling him what I liked and what I wanted him to change during OM, I shut down. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I realized I really never tell him what I want during sex at all.”

—Sara, 41

Through OM, we get comfortable first speaking our experience and then asking for what we desire. The immediate result is that we are able to achieve the most sensational experience possible during the session. But the true reward seems to come outside of the practice and even outside of sex in general. As we get used to speaking our genuine experience, to being honest about what we desire, we open up our interior experience to our partner. Being willing to reveal what’s inside is the prerequisite for true intimacy. To give someone else a glimpse of the universe within—a place that has long been ours and ours alone—is to invite them to know you in a deeper, richer, more complete way.