Seeking Me To Find You (Finding You Series Book 1) (25 page)

“Are you truly clean and sober?”

“I have been for fifteen years.”

“Do you still go to support meetings?”

“Every week and any time I ever feel the need.”

“Do you trust me?”

With a perplexed look he answers, “Yes. Why?”

“I think you need to trust yourself enough to love me and trust me enough to love you.”

We embrace. Feeling the heavy weight of exhaustion come over me, we head back inside where I lay down on the sofa.

When I awake I feel a little disoriented. I’m lying down, covered up on the sofa. I look around and Sam is passed out with the newspaper across his chest. I check the time and it reads ten in the evening. I gently wake Sam and show him to the guest room. I turn to go to my room when I hear him say, “I love you my sweet, amazing Grace.” With a smile on my face and in my heart, I sleep the best that I have in a long time.

*

As Sam promised,
we went to the courthouse and filed a restraining order against Evan. By the time we got home, Ben was overseeing the installation of my new security system. After the installer went over the workings of the system with me, Sam decided it was time to head home.

Before he pulled away he said, “I love you Grace. More than you can ever imagine. Don’t let me being a dumbass ruin you finding your true love. Just promise me that you will not settle. Choose a man that will love you unconditionally. Choose a man that would move heaven and earth for you.”

Hearing him say those words wiped out all the years of doubt. I feel as if I was freed from binding chains. As he pulled away, Ben came to stand beside me.

“I need to tell Jackson about all of this.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t.”

“You told me not to and I knew you were safe. I really think that he needs to know what is going on.”

“Why? He made his choice. He gave up on me too quickly. I want, no I deserve, someone that will be with me through the ups and downs of life. Not someone that will take off running the first time something goes badly.”

“He loves you Grace.”

“Well I guess he doesn’t love me enough.”

I walk inside my house, setting the alarm to my new system.

Jackson

“J
ackson, I wish
you would just sit back and relax.”

“Mom, I am relaxing.”

I go back to mucking out the barn. For the past week, I’ve done odd jobs around the farm. There were several sections of fence along the back side of the farm that were in desperate need of repair before winter. Now I am cleaning and repairing the main barn. Thor is having the time of his life. He spends his days chasing cows and then being chased by geese. When he gets tired, he drops where he is and takes a rest. The life of a dog; there are no worries except for when breakfast and dinner will be served.

I’ve found that working until exhausted keeps my mind off of her. I’ve spoken with Ben and Adam a couple of times and they haven’t said anything about Grace, so I don’t ask. I have one more week until I return back to California. I don’t know how I will handle seeing her again. Our lease runs out in six months and I’ve considered moving for the last year of this duty. When I bring this up, Ben tells me I’m nuts. He is adamant about us staying where we are.

I feel eyes watching me. It’s not Thor because I can see in the distance him being chased by Nellie, the goat. One of these days, he is going to get a horn stuck up his ass. I turn back sharply and there stands my mom.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Setting the shovel down, I take the handkerchief from my back pocket and wipe my brow.

“About what?”

“Why you ran away from California and are killing yourself working on the farm. I have people that actually get paid for this but for some reason they told me that my son called and gave them some time off.”

“I enjoy helping while I’m here. I don’t need people yakking and getting in my way.”

“Who is she?” my mom asks with an inquisitive gleam.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“The girl that you’re running from.”

I should have known I couldn’t get anything past her.

“Mom, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I want to get this barn mucked by dinner.”

As my mom starts walking out of the barn, she turns back briefly. “Your sister is going out with some friends after dinner. How about you and I make time to talk after she leaves?”

I should have known I wouldn’t get off that easy.

*

After we clean
up for dinner, I follow mom to the back porch where we sit side by side on the wooden swing.

“Did I ever tell you about the time you told me that you were going to run away and live off the land?”

Looking over at her I shake my head no.

“When you were about five, your dad told you that he was going to have to go out of town for two weeks. You asked him if he would take you to the park when he came home so that you could see the little girl you met along with her mommy the last time you went. When he said he had no clue what you were talking about, you became so angry. You kept saying over and over again ‘You know, the girl that has the mommy you kissed’. When he kept dismissing you, you ran upstairs, packed your bags, and headed out the door. You told us that you were going to find that little girl and that you both were going to live off the land. You made it to the end of the driveway until I came out and scooped you up. That night my suspicions were validated.”

Dumbfounded I asked, “You knew he was cheating on you?”

“At that time, I had my suspicions. After your sister was born, I noticed instead of a one week trip, they turned into two. He didn’t want to touch me. He said I was different. That being a mother changed me. He told me that a girl he knew from high school was at the park with her little girl and they got to talking. He said nothing happened and that I was being paranoid.

“Only thing I knew was that I had two small angels that depended on me. Since he was gone so much, I had to be both mother and father. I think he resented the relationship I had with both of you.”

“My fear is that I’m turning out to be like him.”

“Oh baby boy, you’re nothing like him. I hate to say this, but he said that he couldn’t relate to you because you two were nothing alike.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Jackson, you were the caretaker. You always took care of me and your sister when you were growing up. Look at you now, you’re still doing it. My employees hate when you visit because you do more work in a week than the four of them do in two months.”

We sit there swinging for the next thirty minutes listening to crickets chirp. With the sun going down, the night becomes chilly.

“Would you like a cup of coffee?” I ask my mom.

“Please. I started a pot before we came out.”

After I pour us both a cup, I get my mom’s favorite wool blanket and head back outside. She holds both cups while I place the blanket over us both. When she hands me my cup she pauses like she was going to ask me something but decided not to.

“What were you going to ask?”

Taking a sip of her coffee she asks, “Is the thought of being like your father the reason you’re running from her?”

She’s not going to let this rest. “Mom, she makes me want so much more. My fear is that my job will take precedence over our relationship and she’ll end up resenting me. She deserves someone that will love her unconditionally and be the partner she can share everything with.”

“So why can’t you be that person? Jackson, in my heart I believe your father never wanted to be married. Looking back, I believe he married me for status. All of the rising executives in his firm were married. Their families were invited to the President’s house for kid parties. I think he saw this as an opportunity to move up. It didn’t hurt that my father was a big client and the best friend of the President.”

“What did you see in him?”

“Your father was very charismatic. He had a way of making you feel like the most beautiful girl in the room even though he was eyeing other girls at the same time. He knew the right words to say and weaved them to his benefit. You’re nothing like that. You are a genuine person, Jackson.”

“Then tell me mom, why did you stay?”

“I was afraid. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid to raise two kids on my own even though looking back, I was doing it anyway.”

“But I’m afraid.”

Placing her head upon my shoulder she says, “If you weren’t, I would be worried.”

For the rest of the evening we stayed out on the swing until she was shivering under the warm, woolen blanket.

*

I spent the
rest of the weekend resurfacing the black top of mom’s driveway. The temperature had been hovering around fifty-five which makes it ideal for this task. Every hour mom brought me something to drink. She said she couldn’t have her best man getting dehydrated.

I’ve decided to take today, Monday, as a day of rest. I set out on one of my mom’s therapy horses for a little therapy for myself. As I travel throughout the property my mind wanders to the past couple of months. In reflection, I see that I had started falling for Grace the first day when Thor snatched that damn flamingo towel. I felt like I was punched in the gut the minute I laid eyes on her. Even then, I found myself drawn to her but pulling away at the same time. My inner turmoil was playing a constant tug of war every second I was with her.

After two hours of riding, I find myself back at the barn watching my mom hanging laundry out to dry. I should feel embarrassed that my boxer briefs are dangling in the wind, but instead I feel nothing but gratitude for the woman who made me into a man. Suddenly, I’m tired of this constant turmoil. I know what I want and what I want is a blonde goddess going on with her life in California. Next task. Winning her back.

*

After dinner I
decide to step out and call Ben.

“What’s going on, Jackson. Have you decided to buy a pair of boots and hang your hat on the family farm?”

“I have to admit, it’s beautiful out here. Life is slower with everything flowing at its own pace.”

“So what’s on your mind? Are you calling to change your mind about coming back to the platoons?”