Regret Me Not (24 page)

Chapter 25

The End is Near

I feel like a beached whale. My toes are now strangers to me. I haven't seen them in months. Instead, when I look down I see nothing but my huge, hulking belly. Moving is exhausting. Simple things like going up and down the steps, or even walking leave me breathless. When I press on my shin with my index finger, it leaves a deep, long-lasting impression, like a crater on the moon. I'm retaining more water than an elephant with PMS. And I'm so tired I could sleep on a picket fence. Even though there are only two weeks until the end of the semester, and my due date is over a month away, I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I try not to complain to Brayden. I can tell how wiped out he is when we're together. Now that the basement is finished, he spends his time at home, studying, working, and waiting on me.

"Sweetheart, I promise, I can fold laundry."

"You do enough when I'm not here. There's no reason why I can't pitch in and pull my weight."

"You do a lot more than pitch-in. Let me do what I can."

His eyes betray his worry. He worries even though there's nothing to worry about, at least according to the doctor. The baby is now measuring a week and two days smaller than it should, but he's growing. My blood pressure is high and she's keeping a closer eye on me than usual, but she assures us that all is well and that these things sometimes happens with first pregnancies. Aside from looking like I'm carrying twins and not being able to find a comfortable position to put myself in, I'm fine. It's Brayden I'm worried about.

I hate the long hours he puts in at the gas station, and I'm somewhat surprised he hasn't gotten a call from any of the other places he applied to. He never complains about it, but I feel like it's weathering him down, like a rock into sand. He doesn't like to talk about things that happen at work. He doesn't have to, I hear people talking at school. It's funny how as my belly grows, things that were once whispered are now said in loud conversational tones, as if the bigger my stomach gets, the worse my hearing becomes.

I have no problem living with the scoffing and laughing behind my back, or in this case, in my face. It sucks that everyone knows who he is and that the shallow nasty people line up in droves to witness his fall from grace. He shrugs it off, but I know people that used to look up to him go and have their cars filled up there to poke fun at him, and have him wash their windows. He'll never understand the guilt I feel.

Some nights he comes home so bone tired, he can't seem to move from the edge of the bed. He just sits there with his eyes closed while I massage his shoulders and peel his clothes off. Of course that's as far as anything goes. Between him being so tired, and me being so pregnant, our physical relationship has changed drastically.

I understand why he's concerned having sex this late into the pregnancy. But I can't help but wonder if it
’s because he's no longer attracted to me. I wouldn't blame him, I'm not too fond of the shape my body has taken on either. We still hold hands and snuggle close at night, but the nonstop kissing and touching has almost died out completely. I never voice my concerns, I don't want him to think I'm having trust issues, although every once in a while, I wonder if there's someone at school that's captured his attention.

"You're beautiful," he assures me any time he catches me looking sideways in the mirror.

"Liar."

He wraps his arms around my waist and rests them on my stomach. Every now and then he gets lucky and feels our little boy take a swipe at his hands. "One of these days you're going to understand how beautiful you are. I only hope when you do you still want to be with me."

I turn to face him, and meet his lips. "I'll always want to be with you."

He smiles, and breaks away.

"Brayden, are you okay? I mean are
we
okay?"

"Of course. I just have a lot on my mind."

"So talk to me." I don't understand why he won't tell me what's wrong. I know there is something: he's quiet, he's withdrawn, he drinks. I wish he'd let me in so I could help.

"It's nothing." He shuts down. And I feel the earth shake as an invisible ditch forms between us.  

I force myself to focus on the positive things in our relationship, like lying in bed next to him with his hand on my stomach. Julian tends to move a lot when he's home. I think he's responding to his father's voice. Julian is at the top of my list of names, Jake is on the top of his. I'd be fine with either name, but there's just something about Julian that feels right to me.

"You know you're going to make me break my promise if you insist on naming him Julian don't you?"

"What promise?"

"To keep my son out of football. If we name him that, I'll have no choice but to make sure I toughen him up."

I think Brayden just misses football. I worry it's the attention he misses more. As I watch the light in his eyes continue to dim, I question whether this simple life with our little family will be enough for him. 

*

I wake to Brayden stroking my cheek. I open my eyes to find him shirtless, propped up on his elbow, and I smile.

"You look so peaceful when you sleep."

"Is it almost time for you to go to work? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to oversleep." I scoot back on the bed into a sitting position.

"No. I'm up early and I'm being selfish."

"How?"

"Well, the painting is all done, and the nursery is ready." He reaches over and smoothes my hair. "I know I should let you sleep, but I feel like we hardly see each other lately and I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"Oh yeah?" He smiles while leaning in to meet my lips. 

"Hmm." I let the soft sound escape from my mouth while getting lost in his arms.

"How about I try to get off early tonight?"

"You think they'd let you?"

He shrugs. "I found someone to cover for me so I don't see why not. Maybe we could go to a movie? Or we can go to the boardwalk and I can try to win some stuffed animals for the baby."

"Both sound great. But if you're not in a hurry to leave for work, and we're both up," I'm nervous to suggest it, but it's been a while, and he seems like he's in a better mood than usual. I decide to hint at what I'm thinking and see how he reacts. "Maybe we can do something now?"

"Did you have anything special in mind?" He asks with hooded eyes, running his fingertips down my arm waking nerve cells, along with the sexual desire I've been trying to keep in hibernation over the last month or so.

"You might not like what I have in mind if you keep that up," I tease.

"What makes you think that?" his hand moves up my arm, across my neck and down to my breast. "I recognize that look," he whispers. "It tells me you're thinking along  the same lines as me, and I like that idea very much."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah." His voice holds a seductive threat, and my heart soars.

Brayden and I spend the next couple of hours in bed. We haven't spent as much time just holding each other and touching each other since we first got married. He brushes my hair off my forehead.

"I've missed that so much," he whispers.

"Me too." I squeeze him tight.

"You do?"

"Of course. Why do you look so surprised?"

"You've been so uncomfortable lately, I've left you alone because I didn't think you wanted to."

"I want to." I looked away. "I thought maybe you weren't attracted to me because I look so hideous."

He grabs my face with both hands. "Hideous? How could you think that? I'm so sorry. Do you have any idea how many nights I've gone to bed with a hard on just from lying here and looking at you?"

I shake my head.

"Babe, you are hot, and this," he runs his fingers over my belly, followed by his lips. "This only adds to your beauty."

*

I know it's cliché to say Brayden left me weak in the knees, but between our multiple romps in the morning, the twenty-five pounds of extra weight I'm carrying, and my new center of gravity, I'm not quite sure my knees can hold me up. I pour myself a cup of milk and sit at the kitchen table with Jessica.

"Seriously, Kenzie. Do you have to go at it in the morning too?"

"What?" I feel my heart pound.

"At least when you were upstairs, your bed didn't make so much noise. I don't know what was worse, listening to the springs creaking or hearing the unflattering noises you guys make."

I feel my face get hot as tears spring in my eyes.

"Do you two know how to keep your hands off each other? I mean you're already carrying his spawn, can't he give you a rest?"

I ignore her crude remark. "Do you think Mom and Dad heard?"

She laughs. "God, Kenzie. You're so gullible. They left at the crack of dawn to go see Aunt Jane. They've been gone for hours, and they said not to expect them home until after dinner."

"Then how did you know?"

She smirks, "You have that same far off, glazed over look to your eyes you had after you first got married." She shrugs her shoulders. "I put two and two together."

"Do you ever miss Mike?" It was an awkward question, and maybe not the best time to ask, but she never talks about him. It's like she's trying to wipe him from her memory.

Jessica rubs the edge of the table with the tip of her pointer finger. She shakes her head, "The only thing I feel when I think about Mike is anger. I'm angry with him, but more so at myself. Actually that's not true. I'm ashamed."

I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why did I ask her that? I change the subject.

"What about Carlos? He really has a thing for you."

She shakes her head. "I just don't think it's smart for me to get involved with him."

"Why not? I know you like him, so don't even try denying it."

She makes a face, pressing her lips together, and looks me right in the eyes. I see a look of defiance on her face, one usually reserved for my father. "Fine, I do. I like him. Are you happy?" she snaps. "But I need to forget him. I want a fresh start, and I can't have that with anyone from around here. I know what they think, what they expect. Everyone here has heard all kinds of shit about me. Things I did with guys, things I'd do for a fix, but that's not me anymore. It's not who I want to be ever again."

"Jess, I don't know what he's heard about you, but Carlos seems to
really
like you. I've never seen him show an interest in anyone for more than a night. Besides even if that's how it started, I'm sure he knows by now that's not who you are."

Her eyes avoid me.

"Jess, I love you and I wouldn't want to see you with someone that would hurt you. And while I didn't trust Carlos in the beginning, I think he's earned a date, at least one," I tease. "Take it from there and see what happens. Hey, why don't you guys come to the movies with Brayden and me tonight?"

"Tonight?" She looks terrified.

"Yes. Brayden's getting off early so we could spend some time together."

"Then I'm sure the last thing he wants is to have Carlos and me tagging along."

Even though I suspect she might be right, I ignore her comment. "It'll be fun, I promise."

A twinkle starts to glow in Jessica's eyes, "I'll think about it while we're getting you all pretty with a mani-pedi?"

"Just me?"

"Of course not, when do you ever know me to pass up a free manicure?"

"Free?"

She pulls something from her pocket. "Mom did leave us her credit card for the day."

"Only if you say you'll come."

"I’m thinking about it."

*

I sit on the metal bench admiring my Pink Perfection colored nails. There's something about having them done professionally that brings out the inner diva in me. I lean my arms on the attached table in front of me, running my thumbs over each of the other fingers on my hand. I love the smooth, sleek feel to my nails. They feel thick and healthy, and the shiny top coat makes them look amazing. I wish I could replicate this look and feel at home.

"It's a manicure, Kenzie, get over yourself." Jessica plops down next to me with a pair of ices and a pile of napkins. "Here's your mango passion," the last word she says is dripping with sarcasm.

"I still think I should pass on the ice."

"Come on goody-two-shoes, it's a hot day, and you're noticeably pregnant in case no one told you. If you can't splurge with an ice now, what's the point?"

"So are you going to ask Carlos or should Brayden?"

"You're such a nag, how does he put up with you?"

"He loves me, the same as you."

"Fine, I'll ask him." She sticks out her tongue and licks the rim of her cherry ice.

"What I wouldn't give right now to be cold and sweet."

Jessica freezes. I'm not sure if she's flustered or in a full on panic attack. Her face pales as Carlos appears from behind her and sits on the table.