Regret Me Not (25 page)

"Hi, beautiful," he winks at her.

She's quick to recover, "Seriously, people eat on this table, do you really think it's the right place for your ass?"

He grins, climbs down, and sits in the spot next to Jessica. He's so close to her, if a guillotine blade were dropped between them, the entire left side of his body would be chopped off.

"I was trying to give you space. Is this better?" He asks grasping the hand holding the ice and licking the edge where it is about to drip down.

Color tinges Jessica's cheeks and suddenly I feel very much like a voyeur. I turn my head in time to see Alana strutting her way toward us. I guess everyone is looking for a way to cool down, too bad, I hoped the sun would've melted the cold hearted bitch.

"Are you stalking me now?" my sister teases Carlos.

"If stalking means I was driving by, saw you, and decided to stop, then yes, I'm stalking you."

"I'm glad you did," I chime in. "Jessica has something to ask you."

"Oh, yeah? Shoot."

Jessica's eyes double in size and I know she's pissed. I can't help myself; I egg her on. "See, Jess, he wants to know. Go ahead, ask him."

I try to focus on the conversation between Carlos and Jessica, instead, my ears perk up at the sound of Alana's voice behind me.

"I mean do you see her? What a heifer! No wonder he's hitting on every girl that flashes him a smile."

I know she's playing a game. I have no doubt she's trying to get a reaction out of me. If this were yesterday it might have worked, but her timing is off. After the beautiful morning Brayden and I spent together I have enough confidence to ignore her.

Carlos' hand presses against mine. "You know Brayden is crazy about you."

I smile at him. "Yes. I do." I stand and stretch. "Carlos, can you give Jess a ride home? If we're all going out tonight, I should go rest up while he's at work, because once Brayden's home, the last thing we're going to do is sleep."

I hear a deep, steaming breath escape Alana.

"I'd love to."

"Kenzie, just wait a minute. I'm almost done."

I grab her purse and take the keys out. "No deal. Besides, I miss driving."

"Are you sure you're up to it?" Carlos asks, while eyeing my bulging belly.

"Yes, smart ass."

"What is it with you girls and my ass today?"

I shake my head and pull my phone out. I know Brayden won't answer, but still, I want Alana to hear the sickening, sweet message I plan to leave him. I'm shocked when he does answer.

"Everything okay?"

"Absolutely perfect. I just wanted to say I love you."

Someone is screaming. Not just someone, everyone. I turn to see what's going on. People are moving, running, jumping. I see it. It's coming right at me. My mouth opens, I can't move, there's no time. My feet come up from under me. They are off the ground as my body flies backward, and the world around me fades to black.

Chapter 26

Julian

  The bright sun is shining down. It's not too hot. It provides just enough warmth for me not to worry about the cold. After all, I need to keep Julian warm. I look down at my son in my arms. He's beautiful. He has his father's eyes and thick lashes. He's using his whole hand to grasp my pinky. His soft, brown eyes meet mine, and I'm in love. I'll give my life in a heartbeat to save his.   

I look up for a moment, realizing we're all alone, and I have no idea where we are. The sun is so strong, I can't see anything. Nothing but the bright light around us, and Julian. I'm not worried though, I know we're safe. Peace and serenity fill me with each breath. I smile at my son, brush my cheek against the soft shock of downy, blonde hair, and cradle him close to my chest.

"I've been waiting for you little prince. I love you so much."

He coos and I feel like he's declaring his love for me as well. I kiss his forehead. I don't want to stop hugging and kissing him. Ever.

"Hush, little baby," I think the words to the popular lullaby and hear them ring out around us. The sound is beautiful, like the words are coming out of chiming bells. The otherwise peaceful silence around us is broken by the whisper of my name carried on the wind.

"Do you hear that, Julian? It's your daddy. He loves us so much. He's so excited you're here. I can't wait for you to meet him."

"Mackenzie." I hear my name a bit louder and suddenly the brightness around me dims. The sun is no longer keeping me warm. I'm afraid. My heart is pounding hard. It's pounding so hard against my chest it hurts. And I can't breathe. I don't know where I am. I turn around and the dimness is growing into a cold, scary darkness. I look in all directions, searching for something recognizable, trying to make out anything familiar. I want to call out, but as I open my mouth no sound escapes. I fall to knees and hold my head in my hands.

Julian! Where is he? I feel for him on the ground beneath me, but he's not there.

"Julian!" I scream in silence.

I'm surrounded by darkness. I'm cold and frightened. Worst of all I'm alone. I know I'm supposed to be taking care of my son.
Where is he?
I hear voices around me, they aren't familiar. I squeeze my eyes closed tight. I want to clear the darkness away. Maybe if I blink hard, I'll be able to see again. Everything feels wrong. I want to cry, but I can't. I can't move.

"Come on, Mackenzie, you need to wake up now." I hear Brayden's voice.

Wake up? Thank goodness it's only a dream.

I take a deep breath. Cool air assaults my nostrils. Something is on my face. I want to shake it off, but I can't.

"Oh, thank God." He sounds far away.

I try to call his name, but nothing comes out. No sound. There's pressure on my chest, and on my hand.

"Kenzie, baby. Please wake up." I feel his thumb rubbing across my cheek.

Loud beeping sounds pull me further away from the peaceful light and into the cold darkness.

"Come on, you need to take a deep breath." Brayden orders.

I do, breathing in the pure oxygen covering my mouth and nose.

"Julian." I whisper, hearing the beeping sounds once again. "Where's Julian?"

My words are swallowed up by the oxygen mask. I open my eyes. My lids are heavy. I want to shut them again and go back to sleep.

I feel something wet drip down my cheek. It's a tear. Mine? Brayden's? He brushes it away with his thumb. "Thank God you're okay." His voice doesn't sound right. I force my eyes open again. He has my hand in one of his, and he's leaning over me, his face close to mine. He's crying, and I don't understand.

"Brayden?" I whisper before my eyes close again.

*

Everything hurts. My head, OMG it's like someone is using that great big hammer  you find at carnivals, the one you slam down with all your might in hopes of ringing the bell on top and winning a huge prize. It hurts to breathe. That must be why Brayden keeps ordering me to take a deep breath.

I hear voices. "If she wakes again try and keep her up."

"Where the hell are your parents?" he snaps. I try to answer, but I don't understand why Brayden is so upset.

"It doesn't matter, you make the decisions. You're the one responsible."

"I can't. I don't know what to do. I didn't sign on for this."

*

Brayden is talking in a low, hushed tone. Who is he talking to? I hear myself moan before I have the strength to open my eyes. All I can think of is the pain and Brayden. Why am I in so much pain?

"Brayden?"

"Shh."

He's at my side, smoothing my hair. I turn my still pounding head to look at him. He's holding something wrapped in a blanket. My heart almost bursts through my chest when I realize, what he's holding.

"Julian!" I cry out. "No." It's too soon. My hands move down to my stomach. It's still large and swollen, but even through the pain, I know it's empty.

Brayden's eyes meet mine. They're glassed over with tears. "I'm so sorry, Kenzie."

"NO!" I scream.

A woman I've never seen in scrubs approaches my bed. I don't know if she's a doctor or nurse.

"Mackenzie, on a scale of one to ten, where is your pain?"

I ignore her. "Julian! Please I want to see him." I'm frantic. I want to get out of the bed and take my baby from Brayden's arms.

"Please, Mackenzie, your pain?"

I try to sit up but I can't. The sharp pain searing through my body stops me. Instead all I can do is scream.

"Shh. Mackenzie, take it easy, baby." Again he's smoothing my hair. "Try to answer Marnie. She's your nurse and she's trying to help."

I turn to the woman Brayden just identified as Marnie, my nurse, in time to see her injecting something into my IV line. IV?
What the hell
?

"I'm giving you some morphine to help with the pain."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The last thing I remember is being on the phone with Brayden. And then loud, brash noise. Screaming. Glass breaking. Lots of glass, and metal hitting metal, crashing. My body trembles as I remember the helpless feeling of the car coming straight at me. My arms wrapped around my stomach as I was shoved to the ground. Only it wasn't the car that hit me. It was Carlos. He sent me flying off my feet, straight onto the cement.

"Are you okay?" He asked. I couldn't answer. Instead I just closed my eyes.

*

"She's going to be okay." I hear a familiar female voice. "She has to be."

"I don't know how to do this," his voice cracks.

My eyelids are heavy. I remember the baby blanket wrapped around the tiny bundle in Brayden's arms and force my eyes open. I don't speak as I let my eyes adjust to my surroundings. Once they do, I spot Brayden at the foot of the bed, his arms outstretched on either side of a portable crib. His head is down, glued to the object inside, and Jessica is rubbing his back. It looks like an intimate moment between them and a pang of pain and jealousy stab at my heart.

"Brayden," my voice is low in my sore, scratchy throat.

He turns to me, and I don't understand the hurt, helpless look on his face.

"I'll be outside if you need me."

"Jess?"

She doesn't respond, and keeps her head down so she doesn't have to look at me. She grabs my toes as she passes the bed and gives them a squeeze.

When Jessica reaches the door she stops. "I love you, Kenzie," she says before slipping out of the room.

This is all wrong. Something is going on with them and I don't like it. I know Julian is in that crib. I want to see my son and don't understand their somber mood. I swallow hard hoping the action will strengthen my voice. "Please, Brayden, let me see him."

With his lips pressed together he moves slowly, tentatively toward me. Once he reaches my side, he pulls the chair behind him over, and sits. He tries to fake a smile. I know it's forced. Nothing about it is real. His lips look strained, and his eyes are way too sad. My entire body grows rigid with tension as my heart races.

Brayden takes my hand in his and brings his face close, his desperate eyes lock with mine and my breath catches. I don't think I'll ever be able to breathe again.

"How are you feeling?" His voice is calm and soft, but I know there's something heavy weighing on him by the way his eyebrows furrow together.

"Help me up, or bring him here. I want to hold him. Now."

He drops his eyes and dips his head. "Kenzie." After a deep breath, he opens his tear-filled eyes.

"No. No!"

"Sweetheart . . . It was an accident. The woman confused the gas and brake pedals."

"Don't do this. Don't you dare!" I pull my hand from his and struggle to hold back the tears. "Give me my son."

He nods, leans in and kisses my forehead. I watch in silence, as he moves in slow motion from the bedside to the crib. He bends and gingerly lifts the wrapped bundle. His eyes are shut as he lifts our son to his chest. After taking a moment to gather himself together, Brayden carries him to me.

The silence in the room is thick and heavy. I want to hear my baby cry. Why isn't he crying? Why isn't he making a sound? Brayden hesitates. A single tear slips from his watery eyes and rolls down his cheek. An involuntary gasp escapes my throat. I shake my head, as if denying what I already know will change reality.

I reach my arms up for Julian.

"Kenzie," Brayden says lowering the tiny bundle into my arms. His words don't make sense as I take my first look at my son. I recognize the tiny face. I've seen it before, just a little while ago, only it’s smaller. He weighs almost nothing. A bit of blonde hair peeks through the cap covering his head. His small features look just the way they did when he was safe in my arms.

"What happened? He was fine. I held him and his eyes were open. He was fine!" The words are strangled in my throat. I don't even know if I said them aloud.

"The placenta detached." He sniffles. "There's no telling for sure when it happened, but it likely started before today since his growth was falling behind and your pressure has been high. Today might have just pushed everything over the edge."

"I was at the doctors last week. His heart was beating. We heard it,  remember? And I felt him move all the time. Don't you remember feeling him move?"

He sucks in a large breath. "When was the last time you were sitting or laying down and felt him kick? Is it possible you only felt him move because his body was shifting inside you when you were moving?"

"What is wrong with you?" I squeal. "Why are you being like this?"

I feel if I pretend everything is okay, if I get Brayden to agree with me, then I'll be able to rewind time and life will return to normal.

"Baby, listen to me."

"No. How could you let this happen? You could've stopped it."

He shakes his head. "If I could've, don't you think . . ."

I don't let him finish. "Why didn't you fight harder for him? Why did you let them take him from me?"

He swallows hard before speaking, "I had no choice." His voice is low, gruff. "You were bleeding so bad." His hands are stuffed into his pockets. "And his heart already stopped beating." He drops his head and gathers his strength before meeting my eyes again.  "Kenzie, you coded. I had no choice." It sounds like the air is sucked from his lungs. "I came so close to losing you both.
I couldn't lose you. I just couldn't."

I hear the pain in his voice and I can't speak anymore.

I want to tear my eyes from Julian, but I can't. Instead of holding my beautiful baby boy and feeling his heart beat against my chest, I only get to experience his lifeless body. It's not fair. None of this is fair. I tried my best to protect him and keep him safe. I did everything I should have. I married Brayden, took my vitamins, and ate my vegetables. It wasn't enough.

I failed my little boy.

I failed him the moment he was conceived. My mind flashes back. To the very moment I learned the condom broke. In my heart I know why this happened. It's what I deserve.

I hear the voice of my conscience in the back of my mind. It's because of me. Because I didn't want him. It's my fault.

All my fault.

This is my penance.

I can't stop the tears that fall from my eyes or the sobs that overtake my body. I have no control over the strangled sounds leaving my throat. I want my baby to open his eyes, I will him to defy us all and take that first breath. I want him to fill his lungs so his squeals and cries can ring out in the air around us. I'd give anything, my heart, my soul for the sleepless nights that come with the promise of motherhood. Anything but this. He doesn't move. He just lays in my arms, swollen, grey and lifeless.

I scream, as if that will stir him. It doesn't.

I clutch his tiny body to my chest. I won't let him go. I can't.

I never got to look into his eyes. I never had the opportunity to hear him coo, not even once. Julian had his whole life ahead of him. A life promised with love and sacrifice. A life that will never be realized. It's hard to swallow. My chest aches. The lump in my throat seems to get bigger with every breath and I hope it grows so large that I suffocate. It's only right that my life should end as well. It's what I deserve. The internal pain overshadows the physical pain by far. I shiver, but it's not from the cold. It's from the ice spindling through my veins.