Regret Me Not (10 page)

"She's great. We don't have any classes together or anything, but she's a lot of fun. She even has me checking out the sororities with her."

"Wow, I'm glad to hear things are going so well."

Sororities. Soon I'll lose my best friend to a bunch of phony want-to-be-popular girls. Soon she won't have a need for me at all, not with all the new sisters she's sure to buy.

I hate myself.

Why can't I be happy for them? Why does it hurt so much that two of the most important people in my life are moving on, correction moved on, and I'm left at the start line? Deep down I want them to be happy, both of them. That's why I broke up with Brayden. I want him to lead the amazing life he's supposed to, without any complications or distractions.

Sunday night my phone rings. I look at the incoming number and my heart leaps. I shouldn't be so excited to hear from him. Maybe if I'm not, I could keep up the charade.

"Hey, college boy."

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Missing you." There's a wistfulness about his voice that makes me want to reach through the phone lines and hug him.

"It's been a while since I heard from you. I guess you've been busy having fun."

"Who says I'm having fun? I just said I miss you."

"I thought since I hadn't heard from you since classes started . . ."

"I would've called Friday, but I didn't want you to feel like I was trying to hold you back from all the parties you need to be free to go to."

I squeeze my eyes shut. "I didn't go anywhere Friday night. Besides school just started."

"Can you at least admit that it's bullshit?"

"Brayden . . ."

"Here's the deal, it's over a month since we broke up. I'm lying on my bed and all I can think about is you. We were great together, and I keep wondering what I did wrong to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me. And the thing is, I can't come up with anything. Not one thing."

I'm glad we're not talking in person. This way he can't see the tears in my eyes.  "Because you did nothing wrong. I don't think it's possible for you to do anything wrong. It's not in your DNA. It's me. Everything in my life has been fucked up over the last year, and I know firsthand how that can affect the other people in your life. I'll hate myself if I somehow screw things up for you."

"You won't. Besides what do you think is so great about my life? That I'm in college? That I'm on the football team? Big shit. I'm a red shirt freshman, I won't even play this year. And even if I did, I'd give it all up for you in a heartbeat."

"Don't you see? I don't ever want you to have to make that choice, and that's what scares me the most."

"I can't see it happening, but if it did and I ever needed to make the choice it would be mine to make. You took it away from me. Like I'm too dumb to know what I want."

"You're far from dumb."

"Doesn't it bother you? Don't you feel anything? Did you love me at all?"

"Of course it bothers me. It's killing me knowing you’re so far and that you'll meet someone else and fall in love. That I'll be nothing but a memory; your high school sweetheart."

"I need to see you."

"No."

"Yes. I'm on my way." The phone line goes dead.

*

I can't help but stare at the clock and wonder if he really is coming. Although I told him not to, I miss him like crazy and hope he won't listen. Brayden makes it to my house in an hour and forty-three minutes to be exact.

I hear the pounding beat of music coming from a car radio outside. I know its him. I rush from my bedroom, down the stairs. I think about opening the front door before the bell rings, but I don't want to him to realize how eager I am to see him. Then I realize he must be pretty eager to see me too, or else he wouldn't be here.

I look off into the living room. My parents aren't there. The lights in the kitchen are still on, so I know they didn't go to bed for the night. Still, it'll be better if they never know Brayden is here, less questions to answer. I tell myself if I open the door before the bell sounds through the house, they won't have to know.

By the time I make the decision, Brayden stands in front of me, his finger outstretched to ring the bell. His eyes shift over to where I stand. Neither of us move, or say anything. I'm not even sure either of us breathes. I stare at the godlike figure in front of me, so taken by him, I wonder how in only a few weeks I'd lost my immunity to his looks.

Forever passes before either of us speaks.

The soft brown eyes staring back into mine are just as awed with me. By now I know him well enough to recognize the hunger and desire in his eyes. I thank goodness that's what I find in his long, smoldering stare, and not cold, hard anger.

I step back and clear my throat. "Come in."

Brayden doesn't say anything, but follows my lead. Once I close the door, I take his hand, and without another word lead him to my bedroom. Hidden safely behind my closed door, I turn to face him. He stands only inches away from me, well into my personal space. I look up at him, eager to see his beautiful face again. Brayden doesn't waste time with words, he pulls me in his arms and holds me tight.

  I don't try to fight him, or push him away. Instead I cling to him, as if he's oxygen and I'm down to my last breath. I let down the armor surrounding my heart and let him inside. I hate that he's hurting, that I am the cause of his pain. I don't want us to hurt, either of us. As I'm about to spill my guts and tell him how much I love and miss him, his hands move from my back to my head. Holding me so I can't look down or away. Our eyes lock on each other. Before I can speak or think his mouth crushes mine.

Knowing any resistance I put up would only be for show, I don't bother trying. The swirling in my belly I felt when I first saw him gives way to a pulsing need. I not only want to feel him against me, to feel how much he wants me, I need it. I need the reassurance that I'm still the most important girl in his life. 

In a frenzy his mouth moves over my skin, exploring my neck and shoulder. His hands journey from my head down my sides, under my shirt, up to my breasts. My back arches toward his touch as he squeezes greedy handfuls of my flesh. I hear his name pass my lips in a breathless cry. All I can do is hold on to him for dear life, and hope he won't drive us over a cliff.

As fast and furious as he came at me, it’s not enough; I want more. I back us up to my bed and pull him down on top of me, wrapping my legs around his hips. I can't get enough of the fire he lit inside me. He's here, in the flesh and I never want to let him go again. Feeling his arousal against me, I gasp and close my eyes.

Then it all comes to an abrupt end. He pulls away and slips through my fingers.

Braden stands and steps back. I wonder how there could be so much distance between us so quickly. Even though only one step away, I feel like he crossed to the other side of the room. I sit up, and stretch my hand out to touch him again, but he doesn't let me.

"Brayden?"

"Don't tell me you don't still love me."

"Of course I still love you. I never said I didn't." I stand and move to him.

"We can make this work. I can be home every weekend. I know you don't have a lot of time between school and babysitting Jess, so I'll come to you during the week. Just give us a chance."

I reach for his face, wondering if he'll push me away. "You don't have time. Between school and football, I just don't fit in."

"Of course you do. You fit into my life because I want you there. I hate this. I hate being without you."

"Brayden . . ."

"I'll give up football."

"You can't! You have so much talent and skill."

He turns and walks away from me. "Don't you get it Kenzie? It's not what I want, it's what everyone else wants for me." His eyes narrow, his face clouds with anger, as my words sink in. "Even you. I thought you cared about me, but you're just like everyone else."

"No." I close the distance between us and take his hands in mine. "But it's a way for you to get through school. Use it. Take advantage of it." My eyes fall to the floor. "I would."

"This is why I stayed away from relationships. You think I wanted to fall in love my senior year? That I wanted to risk having my heart trampled on? Damn it, there wasn't one girl that could hold my attention for more than a few weeks, not one before you. And I gave you everything I could. I gave you my heart. And you threw me away."

His words, his anger, they're slicing me open, causing internal bleeding.

"I didn't throw you away. I couldn't."

He grabs my arms. His eyes have a stronger hold on me than his hands. "Is there someone else?"

"Of course not."

"Then why? Why did you just give up?"

"Because when a situation is hopeless that's what I do. Even if you're perfect and do everything you can to make me believe, I can't, because I don't. I don't believe in true love or that we can beat the odds. Those ideas aren't realistic. They don't work in the real world. We're young and separated by distance. It's not a great distance, but it's far enough, and sooner or later you'll realize you want to be with other people.

"We're not that far. And if that were true I wouldn't be here tonight. I'd be  back in my dorm room, hooking up with those girls my roommate brought back." I'm grateful he decides to stop there. I already hate his roommate and the thought of "those girls." "I didn't have to go away to college to cheat on you. I had plenty of opportunity right here at home."

I look away. I know it’s true, but it hurts to hear. I don't need to travel far back in my memories to visualize Alana hanging on him like a baby monkey on its mother. She was one of many. He could've had anyone.

"But you don't care. You moved on."

"It's because I do care that I let go. I tried to do what was best for you, too."

"What was best for
me
? That was something we could've decided together." He shakes his head and moves toward the door. "You know what, it doesn't matter."

"It does matter." I can't let him leave, not with raw pain pouring out of his eyes. "You came all the way here to prove to yourself that I still love you when you could've asked me over the phone, I'd say it matters a lot."

"It would be too easy for you to lie over the phone. I had to come look into your eyes; see how it felt when you kissed me. I know those are things
you
can't fake."

"There's no one else. There never has been."

"Then what is it?"

I turn from him.

I squeeze my eyes closed. I want to tell him, I want to open up and let the words flow from my mouth like water from a faucet, free and unrestrained, but there's nothing more I could say to make him understand. When it comes right down to it, I'm a coward, that's all, end of story. I open my eyes and he's standing right in front of me. His arms slip around my waist, and he leans his forehead against mine.

"You're so worried that I'll hurt and forget you, that you missed how you destroyed me."

"Please don't say that." Still searching for words, I shake my head. "Don't ever say that."

"It's true."

"Don't think for a minute this is easy for me. I think about you every minute of the day, and go to sleep hoping I'll be lucky enough to dream about you. I constantly wonder who you're with and what you're doing. I think about calling you and hanging up just so I can hear your voice. I just want to know that I'm on your mind. And even though it makes no sense, I want you to know all this without me having to tell you. I want you to know that without you my world is cold and empty. My heart is shriveling up like a raisin."

"Then why do you act like you're completely over me?"

"I'm not over you. I'm far from over you."

He leans in for another kiss. This one is sweet and tender. I find myself holding on tight; I don't want him to slip away again.

"Trust me." He looks deep into my eyes. Into my soul as well. "I think I've earned that."

"It was easy for me to trust you before. We went to the same school, we were together all the time. But now . . ."

"Now is where the trust comes in. You were comfortable before; it was convenient. I'm starting to wonder if you ever trusted me."

"Of course I did."

"Look, if I wanted to be with someone else I wouldn't be here right now. Kenzie, I haven't  even looked at anyone since we've been together. Give me a chance. Homecoming is in a month. Let's agree to have an open mind and reevaluate then."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"Yes. You can." He pauses. "You are coming aren't you?" I hear a hint of anger in his voice and hesitate answering. "Damn it, you promised me."

"I promised, only if you wanted me to come. There's still time for you to change your mind."

"My mind won't change. Understand?"

I nod.

"If we still feel like this in a month, we get back together. End of story."

"I don't . . ." I try to speak, but as his lips press against mine, they silence any protests I have.