In Search of Lucy (19 page)

A flash of light bounced across the ceiling. It was three in the morning. Lucy sat up in her bed, looked over toward the window, and listened. The house was as quiet as every other night, and Anne was sound asleep. A few seconds later she heard a low grumbling. It was a summer storm. Strangely this seemed to excite Lucy. She got out of bed and went over to the window for a better look. The view was somewhat obstructed by a tall rose bush, so Lucy craned her head to check out the night sky. Another flash of light came, and she could see that rain had already begun to fall. Lucy had an urge to go out into the developing storm. She wanted to feel the warm rain and watch the lightning beckon the thunder closer. Realizing that setting off the house alarm was probably not going to be a good idea, she settled for a seat on the couch in the living room. It was right under the window with a perfect view of the sky.

After a couple minutes of enjoying the free show, Lucy heard the sound of a creaking door. Out in the hall, Carly peeked from her doorway. A loud thunder cracked the sky and echoed in the house. Carly started running and took a flying leap to the couch and right onto Lucy’s lap.

“Aunt Lucy, did you heard that?” she howled. “I’m scared!”

“Shhh. There’s nothing to be scared about,” Lucy whispered, wrapping her arms around Carly. “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not. I hate thunderstorms.” Carly took a quick look out the window and then buried her face into Lucy’s chest.

Stroking Carly’s hair, Lucy tried to think of just the right advice that an aunt would give her niece. Should she speak logically about how there was nothing to be afraid of? Or should she tell her to act like a big girl and be brave? Maybe, she thought, she should just wake up her parents and let them deal with it. Then Lucy realized that what might work best in this situation was the truth, and so she simply said, “I don’t hate them. I love them.”

Carly looked up at Lucy with curious eyes. “You do?”

“Yes.”

“How come?”

“Because I’m an artist, and I love looking at beautiful things.”

Carly let that sink in for a moment and replied, “I’m an artist too.”

“I know. And whenever I see something beautiful, it’s an inspiration to me.”

“What’s a nisperation?”

“An inspiration,” Lucy said slowly, articulating each syllable, “is when something gives you a strong feeling to want to do something. Like when I see something very special, it just makes me want to draw or paint it so I’ll remember it forever.”

“Oh, I do that too. But…I still don’t think storms are very beautiful.”

“How do you know? Your eyes are closed so tight you can’t see anything.” Lucy poked Carly a couple of times in the tummy and made her squirm and giggle. “Look up there, in the sky. See all those fluffy clouds?”

“Yeah.”

“And look how the sky has lots of big purple and black swirls all over them. Purple is one of my favorite colors.”

“Me too.”

Lucy wondered if that was true, but she didn’t particularly care if it wasn’t. She watched Carly’s face as she continued to describe the dark scene before them. Then she saw Carly’s eyes widen and felt her body stiffen as another flash of lightning stretched across the sky. “Wow, that was a good one, huh?”

“Yeah, it was big. And that one didn’t even scare me,” she delighted in herself.

“Well, the thunder comes next though, so be ready.”

Carly grabbed ahold of Lucy with one hand and the couch with the other as if she were bracing herself for a crash landing. A few seconds later and the thunder boomed loudly. They both looked at each other and smiled. Lucy felt a sense of accomplishment. It was different from how she felt when she used to take care of Katie, which seemed to feel more like an obligation. Somehow this felt like success. The two sat on the couch for a bit longer, pointing out the bolts and other details in the sky until Lucy finally said it was time to go back to bed. She was relieved that Carly was tired and happily agreed.

Lucy walked Carly back to her room and tucked her into bed. Under the covers, but still sitting up, Carly arranged the stuffed animals along the wall that hugged her bed. Lucy watched patiently as Carly put each animal in its predetermined place. “Uh-oh. Where’s Princess Pony?” Carly looked around, sorting through a pile of animals at the foot of the bed.

“Here it is,” Lucy said, grabbing a black pony that was under a giant pink pig.

“No, that’s Queen NeNe. I need the white one that Grandma Linda gave me.”

It took a second to register as Lucy was still rummaging through the other animals. “Did you say Grandma Linda?” She prayed that she was just hearing things. She was tired after all.

“Yes, Princess Pony always sleeps next to Bun Bun, and I don’t see her.”

Lucy stopped looking for the pony and tried to get Carly’s attention by grabbing ahold of her wrists. “Sweetie, listen. Have you ever seen Grandma Linda?”

“No.”

“Then how did you get the pony?”

“We got it in the mail. Mommy said Grandma Linda sent it to me. But I can’t go to sleep unless she’s right here next to Bun Bun.”

Carly was starting to get upset, and Lucy didn’t want Rick and Katie to wake up now, so she starting searching around the bed and floor for the pony. “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’s around here somewhere.” Getting down on all fours, Lucy swept her hand under the bed and knocked out two furry-feeling objects. One turned out to be a pink fuzzy slipper that unfortunately reminded her of Amy. The other was the pony. “Look, I found it!” She picked it up and gently placed it in the open space Carly had left on the bed. “Now, it’s time to go to sleep.” She bent down and gave Carly a kiss on her forehead, then walked toward the door.

“Aunt Lucy?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

“Me too, sweetie.”

It took Lucy another hour before she could fall asleep, and even then she tossed and turned all night. All she could think about was her conversation with Katie and how she’d had plenty of chances to mention that her mother had contacted them. She must have looked at the clock a dozen times waiting for morning to come. That combination of frustration and lack of sleep was a recipe for disaster just waiting to happen.

When Katie finally woke up the next morning, Lucy was in the backyard sitting at the patio table. Anne told Katie that Lucy had been sitting out there for at least an hour, and based on her own experience, whatever Lucy was thinking was not good.

“I would just leave her be if I were you,” Anne urged.

Rick and Carly were already up and gone. He was taking her over to a friend’s house for the day on his way to work. Katie considered the warning as she stared out the sliding glass door at Lucy. It was a beautifully clear day with a slight breeze that jiggled the trees. Something was definitely wrong with Lucy, and Katie needed to find out what it was, so she headed out back and sat down.

Katie said, “Good morning, Lucy,” after realizing Lucy wasn’t going to acknowledge her presence.

“Good morning,” Lucy answered, staring out into the yard.

“So…is everything okay?”

“When were you going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“About Mom.”

“What about her?”

Now Lucy looked right at Katie. “I saw Carly’s pony. She told me where she got it.” Lucy wanted to remain calm. She didn’t want to upset Katie, but at the same time, when it came to her mother the emotions fought hard to make their way out. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was going to tell you…at some point. But then yesterday you said you never wanted to see her again. I didn’t know what to do.”

“What you do is be honest with me. Has she been here, to see you?”

“No. I only talked to her on the phone a couple of times. The first time was a few months ago. Somehow she found out I was sick. Maybe she feels guilty or something.”

“How could you let her back into your life? Into Carly’s life?” Fighting back the frustration and the urge to come down hard on Katie caused her eyes to start to water. This frustrated her even more, so she got up and walked out onto the grass to ensure Katie wouldn’t see her face.

“Well, I haven’t really done that…yet. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Lucy. She just wants to get to know her granddaughter.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure she’ll make an awesome grandmother. I mean she did such a good job raising us.”

Now Katie got up and walked over to her sister. “I understand why you feel that way. Things were always much harder on you. I didn’t see it at the time, but looking back I understand now.”

“I don’t want your pity, I want to be able to trust you…and I just want you to be careful.”

“I will, but I think we should give her a chance.”

Katie put a hand on Lucy’s shoulder, but Lucy turned abruptly upon hearing her request. With a complete look of surprise and betrayal, she said, “We?
We
are not going to do anything.” Just then Lucy’s phone that was sitting on the patio table began to ring. She walked over, picked it up, and punched a button on it. Her intention was to hit the “reject” button, but somehow she put the call through. With the phone in her hand, she started to walk toward the back door. Katie stood dumbfounded and helpless as she watched Lucy leave.

“Lucy? Hello, Lucy?” the voice resonated from the phone in her hand.

Walking into the house, Lucy looked at her phone and realized that she hadn’t rejected the call after all.

“Damn,” she said, bringing her cell to her ear. “Hello?” She sounded like a telemarketer had just interrupted her dinner party.

“Lucy, it’s Kyle.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were there. Listen I—”

“What’s going on?” Kyle interrupted. “Are you okay?”

Lucy was still recovering from her argument with her sister, still processing. She couldn’t think straight, much less relay to Kyle what was going on.

“I can’t talk right now.” Lucy was abrupt. She couldn’t handle any more pressure from anyone, not even from Kyle.

“Call me back when you can.” His voice was urgent and desperate. He knew her well enough by now to know that she was pulling away.

“Please, I just can’t handle this right now. It’s not fair for me to do this to you either.”

“Lucy…don’t do this. It’s going to be okay.”

“I’m sorry, just…please don’t call me. Stop wasting your time. Good-bye, Kyle.”

Lucy knew it was for the best. She just had too much going on, and she was way too up and down. How could she expect a man to deal with that? Especially someone as great as Kyle. Who knows, maybe someday they’d run into each other again. He would say how great she looked, and she would comment on how it was nice to see him. Maybe then they could give it another try.

Katie was still in the backyard when Lucy hung up with Kyle. Anne had been sitting on the couch, watching it all unfold and listening to Lucy’s half of the phone conversation. That was all she needed to figure out exactly what happened and why. Lucy told Anne she was going for a walk and would be back in a little while.

“I’ve got my phone if you need me,” she said as she headed out the door.

When Katie finally came in from the backyard, Anne was sympathetic to say the least. She’d had her share of experiences dealing with the emotional roller coaster that was Lucy’s life. On the other hand, the bit of eavesdropping she did during their conversation did make her see things from Lucy’s point of view. Either way, she felt strongly that it wasn’t her place to judge. She was simply along for the ride. So when Katie came in, she offered a sympathetic ear. The two actually had a nice little conversation—and not just about Lucy either. Katie shared a lot about her illness, things she didn’t feel right about telling Lucy. It helped to talk about it with someone new, but Katie felt that Lucy was dealing with enough and didn’t need the added pressure of the gory details.

Lucy lowered the sunglasses that were perched on top of her head. She often used them as a makeshift hair band, so she was lucky that they were still there. The glare off the sidewalk was hideously bright, but she couldn’t bear to turn back. Her brisk pace matched the speed of her brain reviewing every word she’d exchanged with both Katie and Kyle.
Was it me?
she thought to herself.
Am I the real problem here?
Lucy shook her head like a cartoon character trying to clear away the stars above its head. She didn’t want to think about it anymore. She just wanted to walk and walk until she was too tired to think about anything.

It only took about two minutes to round the block to the next street where she finally started to become aware of her surroundings. The houses had what Tom used to call
sparkle
, which meant they weren’t a bunch of rows of the same boring floor plan. Lucy remembered that and had always dreamt of living in a house with
sparkle
. Somehow looking over each house with such detail as she passed seemed to calm her, and she slowed her pace. That or the sweat that started to form on the hairline above her forehead.

She passed a two-story with light green shutters and yellow trim on the garage, and a one-story with brick all along the lower portion. When she finally reached the end of the block, it suddenly dawned on her that she should probably pay attention to where she was going. With all the places they’d gone, Lucy did recognize most of the neighboring streets, but she didn’t want to have to call from some unknown destination to get a ride home.

Being out on her own, Lucy realized that she actually hadn’t been alone for quite some time. She thought it was something she wanted, to not be alone as she had been for so many years. But now there was a sense of relief. She felt a kind of freedom being away from everyone. Lucy wondered if she was the type of person who was just meant to be alone. Like one of those old ladies who just had a bunch of cats. The thought of going the rest of her life without sex cleared up that question. She knew she was just feeling overwhelmed and needed some time to catch her breath.

Coming toward her on the sidewalk ahead was a short Hispanic woman and a little boy. The woman was holding the boy’s hand, and in her other hand were grocery bags. Lucy remembered that a couple of blocks down was a small shopping center. The woman must have come from there and was walking home. She smiled as she walked by, and the little boy waved to her. Lucy wondered if they had a car or if they had to walk everywhere in that heat.

As she approached the main cross streets, Lucy checked her phone and then punched the button to cross. She had been gone for about twenty minutes. Even though she had been upset, she didn’t want to worry anyone. Still, Lucy wasn’t ready to go back yet. She headed for the shopping center and tried to recall the stores she had seen when they drove by: Albertsons, a donut shop, a place that just said “Keys,” a coffee shop, and what looked like a little sports pub. When she arrived she was proud of how accurate her recollections were even though she had forgotten about the pet store and missed Panda King altogether. Of course she made a beeline right for the sports pub, but when she was about to grab the handle, she made a quick U-turn and settled for the coffee shop.

When Lucy opened the door to the Coffee Cottage, her first thought was that it didn’t look anything like a cottage—it was more like a mini Denny’s. It had a couple of booths, a few small tables, and a counter. Before taking a seat at the counter, she realized she’d better make sure she still had her emergency ten. It had been a few months since she’d even checked on it. Lucy had learned a long time ago that you can only rely on yourself, and you better be prepared for emergencies. So after way too many times of being stranded without a ride or money, she’d tucked a ten-dollar bill behind her cell phone inside its case.

“Hello,” a woman said from behind the counter as Lucy took a seat. She smiled and wiped the area right in front of Lucy. “Would you like a menu, hon?” Her hair was in a loose bun and obviously dyed blonde, that yellowish Barbie-colored blonde. Her nametag said, “Bobbi.”

“No thank you. Could I just get a coffee, please?”

“Sure, we’ve got some nice fresh muffins if yer interested.” Her Texas twang was stronger than any she had heard since arriving in Texas. In fact, most people didn’t sound any different to her. They were just a lot friendlier than people in the LA area.

“What kind do you have?” Lucy asked, suddenly in the mood for one. She had been so distracted that morning that she’d skipped breakfast. Her long walk coupled with the smell of food made her stomach grumble.

“Well, we got blueberry, bran, chocolate chip…oh, and poppy seed.”

“How about poppy seed?”

“Sure, hon.”

Lucy took a second to glance around the room. The place was pretty empty; there were two tables of elderly people and one other person at the bar. It was a younger looking man who was so dirty and scruffy Lucy couldn’t tell if he was a vagrant or some sort of construction worker. He had been watching her, waiting for her to look over so he could give a smile and a greeting. Lucy complied so he could resume eating. When she looked back over, Bobbi was in front of her with her hands full.

“I know, it’s kinda dead in here right now. We’ll get our rush pretty soon though.” She set down a coffee mug and the muffin. “Warmed that up for ya too, hon…the muffin I mean.” Then she grabbed the pot of coffee from the back counter and filled Lucy’s cup.

“Thanks.”

“Now you let me know if you need anything else,” she said. She walked over to the man at the counter and refilled his coffee.

The warmth of the muffin melted the butter as Lucy spread it across one half. It was soft and moist and luscious. Talk about comfort food.
Should this muffin really be making me feel better?
she thought to herself.

Bobbi noticed her enjoyment and headed back over. “Pretty good, huh?”

“Very,” Lucy returned, still chewing.

“Yer not from here are ya, hon?”

“No, how did you know?” Instinctively she was immediately suspicious.

Bobbi shook her head with pride and put a hand on her hip. “I can tell. Been working around people my whole life…mostly here in Texas. I can tell a lot about people after only a few minutes.”

“Wow, that’s pretty amazing.” Before she could stop herself, Lucy added, “What else can you tell about me?”

“Oh, I’d say whatever you came here for was not something yer too happy ’bout. In fact, I don’t think yer too happy with yerself either.”

“Anything else?” Lucy took another bite of her muffin. Might as well keep going now that the ball was rolling.

“Well…I am a bit stumped now, hon. You seem like a sweet girl and all, but…I’d be willing to bet you don’t take much crap from anyone.” Lucy couldn’t help but let out a smile, which gave Bobbi the confirmation she was looking for. “Uh-huh,” she said slowly, nodding her head up and down. “Looks like I got you pegged, hon.”