I am America (and so can you!) (5 page)

17

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO A G R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

I shan’t say I have never felt the thrilling touch of an

amorous embrace, but I also shan’t
shan’t
say it, for I was raised in a refined era when ladies did not amorously-embraceand-tell. (For the record: It was vigorous necking that once descended to the upper shoulder!)

Oh, I have loved.

Every fortnight, I water the shriveled bouquet of roses given

to me at the debutante ball by my suitor, Horace O’Conner, the

Dolores Grierson,

man I hoped to marry. But I was too spirited and willful and I

Old Maid

spurned his proposal. I wanted to wait until I was seventeen.

But I mustn’t linger on memories of Horace! After he moved

away, I vowed that I would find a purpose for my life other than marriage and family. My search was as fruitless as my womb.

On the bright side, if I had raised a family, who would have raised my cats, my wonderful, wonderful cats? What would have become of Tiger, and Cupcake, and Professor Snugglepuss? Who would put out milk for Princess Sheba, and Dartagnan the Mouseketeer? Who would knit personalized collars for Footloose, Fancy-Free, Mr. Whiskers and Mrs. Chievous-Whiskers (nee Miss Chievous), Ol’ Blacky, Princess Grace Kitty, Queen Neferkiti, Old King Cat, Arsenic, Old Lace, and Adjunct Professor Mimsy?

Yes, I’ve had a full life. Let me show you a page from my diary.
6:30 am: Overslept. Queen Neferkiti is not pleased.

6:45 am: Prepared breakfast of poached eggs, jam and toast, and fried sausages.
6:53 am: Prepare my breakfast.

7:00 am: Ate my bowl of Wheatena.

7:30 to Noon: Wrote and mailed letters to relatives, most of whom are all deceased.
Over the next few weeks, the letters will trickle back stamped “return to sender.”

It’s so nice to get mail!

Noon to 12:30: Stared.

12:30 to 1:45: Embroidered a slip for my pillow—singular.

2:00: A visit from the postman! The fall issue of Cat Fancy is here!

2:15 to 7:00: Fancied my cats in accordance with latest cat-fancying trends.

7:30: The neighborhood children threw rocks at “ Fearsome Grierson’s” door. I
wanted to shout at them, “That doesn’t even rhyme!” but instead, I watched
silently from behind the shutters. They will get theirs...

7:40: ...And How!

8:00 to 9:00 pm: Updated will. Professor Snugglepuss is in for a wonderful
surprise.

The other cats will have to understand.

9:00 pm: Lights out! Good night, my feline companions!

Midnight: …Goodnight, Horace.

FUN

OPTICAL ILLUSION

Look at your brunette wife for a very, very, very long time.

Then shift your gaze over your fence to the neighbor’s backyard. Do you see a hot, young blonde? I recommend you don’t!

fig 4.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 2

“Hope I die before I get old.”

–Pete Townshend, living old person

FLASH: DID YOU NOTICE HOW BIG

THE WORD “NEWS” WAS AT THE

NEWS
BEGINNING OF THIS PARAGRAPH?

I CONSIDERED MAKING ALL THE

WORDS IN THIS CHAPTER THAT BIG. AND NOT JUST

BECAUSE I CAN’T THINK OF A QUICKER WAY TO

FILL 240 PAGES. THAT WAS A JOKE, IN CASE YOU

couldn’t tell. I don’t blame you if you couldn’t. Can’t tell if someone’s making a joke if you can’t see that person’s face. Big reason I don’t like books. No faces. Can’t tell when they’re being funny.

Being Funny

Point is, I’m writing about seniors here, and old folks can’t read anything that’s not printed in a 30-point font or above. To them, this paragraph looks like an ant fight. Sad thing is, if they try to use a magnifying glass, the page catches on fire. I’ve always thought someone should fix that about magnifying glasses.
Why not call it a

“magna-frying

Major design flaw.

glass?”

Anyway, even though seniors can’t make out most of the words in this book, I thank them for reading it.

21

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Thank you for reading

this, seniors.

If seniors could read this,

I would thank them

here, too.
I must say, writing a whole chapter directed at seniors is a waste of time. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks—they’re too tired. Plus, they’re from the library card generation. They
share
books. They don’t believe in buying multiple collectors’ copies, no matter what kind of rare, bizarre misprint appears in the first edition

. No disrespect, but old people are

useless to me. So, this chapter is now re-directed at all of you not-yet-seniors.
Plus
: Since seniors can’t read this, I can say whatever I want about them.
They look like lizards.

See? No angry letters. By now, some of the older readers out there are probably thinking, “What’s that Colbert boy going on about?” Let’s not forget about them.

It is the duty

of all Americans

to respect and

cherish our elders.

GUT SPEAKING: “An old man is a repository of failed ideas.”

—Johann Goethe, a German writer

I made this quote up.

22

SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT SENIORS

•

They are the Greatest Generation. No other generation in history has ever been quite so willing to be poor, fight wars, or have babies.

•

They were alive in the Good Old Days. They’re living testament to a time when America was #1, and so was butterscotch.

•

My Mom is one of them. If you have a problem with old folks, you have a problem with my Mom. So let me ask you, punk, do you have a problem with my Mom? ’Cause I’d love hear about it!

I love

•

They are often forgiven for racial intolerance.

you,

NOW THE BAD NEWS:
After criminals and babies, seniors are the most coddled segment of the population. They have everything given to them, from
Mom.
pensions to discount meals to help crossing the street. And despite all they get, they complain.

NEWS FLASH:
It’s not seniors’ fault that they’re such whiners. There’s someone else to blame: Franklin D. Roosevelt, who gave our country Social Security, a system which rewards seniors for doing nothing.

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion, which in my book gets you the early bird special at the firing squad buffet.

Our elders

are a precious

resource.

23