I am America (and so can you!) (2 page)

• This book should never be marked or notated. This means no highlighting,
Got it?

underlining, or margin doodles.

• This book should never be used as a coaster, to right a wobbly table, in lieu of a hammer, a fly swatter, an umbrella, or a fan.

• No image of me should ever be removed from this book for any purpose, including, but not exclusively: book reports, decorating walls, or placing in your wallet to imply our friendship.

• Never press any sort of flowery foliage between pages. I’m allergic.

• Start with a First Edition and be diligent in upgrading when new editions are available.

• May be used to swear in those about to offer testimony if a Bible is not readily available.

• This book should never have the midsection carved away in order to conceal a weapon or jewelry. Those items should be stored either inside the taxidermy heads hanging in the trophy room or in the safe behind the painting in the study.

• This book is the responsibility of the purchaser—Never Loan Out.

• Ladies may not balance this book on their heads in order to better their posture nor steady their hands when applying polish. C’mon, ladies! You know better than that.

• Never dog-ear! Use the Ribbon to mark pages. The Ribbon is included in First Editions only! If the book you are reading has a Ribbon and is an official authorized First Edition, the “F” on the ribbon should be in large script type, like this: F

If not, you are holding a Chinese counterfeit. Are you still in the store? The man behind the counter is a pirate. He might as well have an eye patch and a parrot!

Don’t panic. Just keep smiling and nodding as if there is nothing wrong. That’s it, nod and smile! Good. Now first,
buy the book
, and then
call the police
.

• If your book does not have a Ribbon, these are the appropriate alternate items to mark your place in the book:

• Money (nothing less than a twenty)

• Another copy of this book.

xii

Place this sign by your front entrance where firefighters can see it.

Part One

My earliest memory is from when I was three years old. My mother came into my room—I can still smell the perfume she was wearing, which I assume they don’t make anymore, because I’ve spent a lot of time in department stores looking for it. She swooped me up and told me that she and my father were leaving me.

Then she carried me to the living room to meet Ruth. I was not entirely clear on what a “babysitter” was, so I naturally assumed this old woman was going to replace my parents forever. I was not on board with this plan. I may have been only three years old, but I already knew that a family was a mother, a father, the kids and the pets—there was no room in that model for an ancient crone wearing slacks and (in my opinion) too many rings. The minute my parents left, I ordered my stuffed animals to attack. No response. I threw them down the laundry chute and tried my luck with a real animal: our cat, Cleopatra. I carried her to my Emergency Bunker—the linen closet behind the vacuum cleaner. From there we could lead the resistance against this new Ruth Regime.

That’s when the enemy struck. Ruth was making fish sticks. I held Cleopatra close, but she scratched my face and dashed for the kitchen.

Desperate, I started praying—mostly to God, although it’s possible a prayer to Santa may have snuck in there. I prayed He would bring my parents home and make our family whole again.

And when I woke up the next morning, not only had God gotten rid of Ruth and brought back my parents, but He had also moved me from the linen closet
to my own bed
.

Now that’s service.

Why do I share this memory? Because it perfectly captures the Five Fs of childhood: Family, Faith, Furry Friends, and Fear of the Elderly. These are the fundamental relationships that teach us Where We Belong, What Belongs to Us, and Who We Belong to.

My second memory is when we went to the zoo, and I saw two rhinos do it.
3

fig 3.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 1

“Mama’s all right, Daddy’s all right.”

–Rick Nielsen, dream policeman and father of the 5-neck guitar
ARE AT WAR. AND I’M NOT TALKING

WE
ABOUT THE WAR IN IRAQ, THE WAR

IN AFGHANISTAN, OR THE WAR ON

DRUGS. I’M TALKING ABOUT A WAR

WITH HIGHER STAKES THAN ALL OF THOSE OTHER WARS

COMBINED AND THEN DIVIDED BY THREE. THE BATTLE-

GROUND I’M TALKING ABOUT? THE AMERICAN FAMILY.

Think of America as a body. But not in the obvious way where Lake Michigan is the eye, Maine is the upturned nose, Texas is the Adam’s Apple, and Florida is a really pointy beard. Instead, let’s look deeper, at the biological building block of America: the family.

COLB-QUIZ:
What is a family?

Co

eading!

lb-answ eep r Ker:

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there’s a whole category for the unemployed?

Want to be counted?

Get a job.

If you ask me, from time immemorial, the word “family” has meant only one thing: a Mom married to a Pop and raising 2.3 rambunctious little scamps. That’s what’s called
The Nuclear Family
. It got that name because it reached
5

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

its peak during the early years of the Cold War, when Americans were in immediate danger of nuclear annihilation. Back then, family members knew their roles, and nobody questioned paternal authority. After all, Dad was the one with the keys to the fallout shelter.

What makes The Nuclear Family so special? Well, just like a real nuclear
And it makes

isotope, it’s incredibly stable. Plus, it’s a convenient shorthand for referring to
your hair fall out.

a group of individuals. Think how much time it would take if we had to name each individual instead of simply saying “The Johnsons.” That’s time we could be spending with our families.1

WHAT ABOUT NON-TRADITIONAL FAMILIES?

1. Single Parent Family

2. Manson Family

3. Sly and the Family Stone

Take your pick.

THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL:
But how do you create a nuclear family of your own? It starts with a simple formula:

MAN + WOMAN = MARRIAGE

Now, just because that formula is full of letters doesn’t mean it contains variables. Change it a little and the formula doesn’t work at all. MAN + WOMAN ≠ MARRIAGE

WO

WO + MAN + WOMAN ≠ MARRIAGE

HU + MAN + WOMAN + ATEE ≠ MARRIAGE

WO

Once you’ve locked up a spouse of the appropriate opposite sex, it’s time to
Put the “stud” in

get to “know” one another in the biblical sense: by studying the Bible together.
Bible-study.

In it, you’ll find the function of marriage is to provide men and women a safe,
6

1
Also, wouldn’t have had time to add this footnote.

God-approved context for their wildest sexual romps, the sole purpose of which is to produce children.

So, get to it!

I’ll wait.

Hey, don’t think I’m watching or anything. In fact, I’m gonna go around the
I’m not listening either, so
you can really let loose.

corner to pick up a bagel and coffee. I’ll leave some music on while I’m gone.
Justice will be served, and the battle will rage.

This big dog will fight, when you rattle his cage.

And you’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A.

’Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass. It’s the American way!

I’m back. If Toby Keith didn’t fire up your baby-making device, you should check your pilot light. When I listen to that song during the physical act of
Do you smell gas?

satisfying my lady, I like to think of myself as the dog or the boot, depending on my mood.

NOW WHAT?
Now that you’ve produced children, it’s your job to socialize them. That means you’ve got a role to play—a role you auditioned for in the sack. The minute that baby pops out, you’ve got the part. And if you play it right, just like De Niro, you’re going to gain a lot of weight.
THE FATHER

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if

“Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. But there’s more to being a father than taking kids to Chuck E. Cheese and supplying the occasional Y-chromosome. A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Stalin: a surprisingly

good dad.

Every organization needs strong leadership. At home my word is law.2 Whatever I say goes. For instance, recently my son wanted a laptop computer for his birthday. I said, “Go ask your mother.” And he did. That’s respect.
Know how to delegate.