I am America (and so can you!) (3 page)

2
Literally. Since I’m one-thirteenth Chickasaw, I pulled some strings and had our family home
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recognized as a tribal reservation. Children who disagree with me risk being deported.
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Now, with great power comes great responsibility.3 That’s why a father should always wear a collared shirt and carry a tire gauge. Never know when a few pounds of air pressure will mean the difference between life and death for you
Nothing says love like
and your family.

proper inflation.

A father should also work. A lot. Anything less than 100 hours a week and the kids are going to get to know Dad and, like the old saying goes, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

And sure, it’s nice to have a second income to buy the little extras like vacations or a place to live, but the mother should never be the primary wage earner. The kids see that, lose respect for their father, and decide to become gay every time. It’s known as teenage rebellion, and I’ve seen parades full of it. One of Pop’s most important jobs is protecting his little family. That’s why he needs to sleep with that 9mm under his pillow. And pack it with hollow point bullets. At the least sign of movement in his castle past 8 PM, he should wake up
I am.

firing. Let God, Allah, or Hanuman the monkey god sort them out, am I right?

PUBLISHER’S DISCLAIMER:
DO NOT SLEEP WITH A

9MM UNDER YOUR PILLOW AND SHOOT AT SHADOWS

IMMEDIATELY UPON WAKING.

Do it.

Finally, Dad’s got to protect the weaker minds of his wife and offspring from the burden of worry. He can’t show any sign of indecision, financial trouble, or even sickness. That’s why it is imperative that fathers
never go to the doctor
. They might find out something is wrong—knowledge which they could never share.4 The crushing burden of stuffing emotion for decades is our nation’s number one killer of dads. Or it should be.

So Dad’s got a pretty tough job. That’s why he needs to be treated right. Don’t bother him when he walks in the door. Let him make that martini or leaf through the latest issue of
Wood Boat Enthusiast
before you go running to him with your affections and/or suspicions about the relationship he may or may not be having with the head of Human Resources.5

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3
Ironically, Spiderman had to learn this from his
uncle
.
4
A corollary to this rule is that dads should buy a lot of life insurance. I mean tons.
Enough to make the cops suspicious when he dies.

5
Wives, never withhold sex as a weapon. It’s a hungry dog that turns over the trash.

THE MOTHER

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
On the plus side, they do

get to wear cool hats.

The mother-child bond is a fragile thing. That’s why I didn’t let my mom out of my sight until two years after I married. But while time apart is hard on the kids, it’s devastating for Mom. There’s something I call “The Maternal Instinct.”

It’s a natural part of every female from the paramecium all the way up to our female human woman.6 Females need to nurture constantly, so they hate any time alone where they are left to think, shower, or sleep. For a Mom to be happy, every moment away from her children must be filled with the soulwrenching thought, “Am I a bad mother?”

You already know

the answer.

The answer to that question is a resounding “Yes.” Scientists have proven, one assumes, that every flaw in a child can be traced back to a mistake made by the mother. As adults we’re all imperfect, so that means all mothers are incompetent. But some mothers are worse than others. Take women who work. I don’t
Except the Virgin Mary
and my mother.

care if it’s CEO of a major corporation or three hours a week as a teacher’s aide, if you work outside the home, you might as well bring coconut arsenic squares to the school bake sale.

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mom would
Messy houses drive boys
into the arms of bald

dust.” 7

musclemen with earrings.

A good mother cooks, cleans, drives, organizes charity events so her children earn community service points for college, and expects nothing in return except love and breakfast in bed one day a year.

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying to make them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God put them here to do: Everything.8

6
Apparently paramecia only come in one sex. Sorry that you had to learn that.
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7
Another coded message: “Can’t your father help you?” means “Feel free to take drugs.”

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At least until it’s outsourced to Bangalore.

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

PERSONAL RECOLLECTION: It doesn’t matter how my parents raised

me, because I loved my parents. It’s in the Bible: “Honor thy Mother and thy Father.” It’s right after the part about stoning gays. Sure, they could be a little “strict,” but I often think back fondly on the memories I haven’t repressed. The truth is, I wouldn’t be the man I am today if it wasn’t for the

I had a happy

childhood.

way my parents raised me. And I love the man I am today—which means I love the way my parents raised me. And even if they made mistakes, I don’t blame them for it, because they tried their hardest. You can’t spell

“parentry” without “try.” 9 Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones
Mistake it forward.

your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out. So now that Mom and Dad know their roles, what’s next?

RAISING A FAMILY

Childrearing is arguably the most important of my core values. I believe in it, I practice it, and I ceaselessly promote it to my friends and followers. That said, generally speaking, I’m against children.

What’s the matter?
Did I shake you up?

See, I’m not against the conception of children; like I said, they’re the only permissible reason for intercourse. And I’m not against pregnancy—in fact, if you ask me, there’s nothing more beautiful than a third-trimester mother-to-be in full
If she’s toting a gun,

maternity regalia. Maybe it’s the elastic, I don’t know. But the effect is stunning.
that’s just icing.

No, my problem is the children themselves. They may be cute, but they are here to replace us. Need proof? Ever catch one walking around in your shoes? That’s
Check carefully.

a chilling moment, like finding an empty body snatcher pod in the basement.
If it’s one of

those Cocoons,

you’re in luck.

“But children are our future!” Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don’t understand why we’re helping them. You don’t see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Why take childrearing advice from someone who mistrusts children?” The answer is simple. I respect my opponents. And I urge you all to do the same. I wish I could come to each of your houses to help
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Also, you can’t spell “emotional abuse” without “bus.” I don’t use public transportation.

you raise your kids, but I’ve got my hands full with my own children, as well as several pending “negligent Big Brother” lawsuits.10 Instead, I offer these simple child raising tips.

TIP NO. 1: SET SOME RULES

Don’t worry if a rule makes sense—the important thing is that it’s a rule. Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn’t be learning respect for authority, they’d be learning logic.

So go crazy with the rules—the time your child spends trying to figure them out is time he won’t be stapling firecrackers to the neighbor’s dog.
Once again, Mr. and

Mrs. McAllister, I am

very sorry.

Suggested Arbitrary Rules:

•

Wash your hands before talking to strangers.

•

If you look at a cat and it sneezes, no dessert for a week.

•

Jell-O must never be jiggled.

•

“Red” means “stop,” “green” means “go,” “purple” means “Wednesday.”

And if they ever call “bullshit” on your game, there’s an added benefit there, too. Let me tell you a little story. Once, there was a child whose father had lots of rules he thought were unfair. What’s more, the strict father was never around, but continued making even more unreasonable demands on the child. Finally, the child had had enough—he rebelled, and lived happily ever after. That child’s name? America.

Last name:

Thebeautiful.

TIP NO. 2: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

No matter how many kids you have, you need to pick a favorite. It’s going to happen on its own, but it’ll happen faster if you and your spouse have at least debated the issue. The important thing is to not tell any of your kids who the favorite is—just let them know you have one. That’s a guessing game that will keep them occupied and quiet on many a road trip!

Every once in a

while, misspell one

of their names.

TIP NO. 3: THEY CAN SMELL FEAR

Never show weakness in front of your kid. This means never letting them see you cry. If you absolutely must cry, run into your room and lock your door, then turn the shower on and play the stereo real

“I’m Every Woman”

loud—I suggest Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.” When you’re done, tell your
works too.
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You’d think a national organization could make it clearer that the commitment lasts beyond the photo op.
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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

kid you were so angry you had to take a shower to cool down, and then deduct the cost of the hot water from his allowance.

TIP NO. 4: DON’T CRY OVER SPILLED MILK

Unspill it. If you ever wanted to travel back in time to relive your childhood, now you can—by living it through your kid’s childhood. Children are tiny versions of you, minus the crushing failure. If you’re not going to live your
You only live through
unrealized dreams through your kids, WHEN WILL YOU?

your kids once.

Fill them with your dashed hopes and shattered dreams. If they succeed, then doesn’t that mean, in some small way, that you yourself succeeded? And if they fail, well, then your dream was probably impossible in the first place—though your child may want to throw his kids at it, just to make sure.
THE EXTENDED FAMILY

Back in the olden days, the family was more than just Ma and Pa and the little

’uns. There were Ma and Pa’s brothers and sisters and their kids and so on. It made for a tight cohesive group that could support each other in hard times. Plus, with such close family ties, there was always someone to take up the blood feud if you were gunned down at the feed store.

But today, too few people live in an
extended
family. So for my young friends reading this at a family reunion and wondering who those people are pinching your cheek and breathing onion dip into your face, here’s a crib sheet that can help.

GRANDPARENTS

Your parents’ parents.

PRO: Unlike your parents, they have no issue with buying

your

love.

CON: They grew up in the Depression, and they have never

adjusted for inflation.

GRANDPARENT

SUBCATEGORY:

GRANDFATHER

PRO: He will let you play with his pocket knife and, if you’re

really lucky, his Luger.