I am America (and so can you!) (4 page)

CON:

He will also let you play with his teeth.

12

GRANDPARENT

SUBCATEGORY:

GRANDMOTHER

PRO:
Any food she serves will be full of sugar and fat and taste

great.

CON:
She has an accent, Grandpa brought her back from the War, and she might be a Nazi. Dad said, “Don’t ask.”

Ask to see her

collection of

stolen art!

AUNTS AND UNCLES

Your parents’ brothers and sisters.

PRO:
They have a hilarious childhood story about how Mom got that scar.

CON:
They are under the impression you should still be

excited to see them even after they stop bringing presents.

FAMILY FUN:
Your Mom and Her Sister
Is your mom the one who “got the looks” or the one who “got the brains”? Either way, she resents her sister for getting the other one!

FAMILY FUN:
Your Dad and His Brother
Your bachelor uncle may seem like a “cool guy” because he has a boat and a flat-screen TV, and all your dad has is you kids. But hang on: In fifty years your uncle won’t have anyone to care for him, while your father will be a huge burden on you and your family!

Unless you have

a sister.

FIRST COUSINS

The children of your parents’ brothers and sisters; you

share

grandparents.

PRO:
If you need a kidney, they’ll be a marginally better match than someone off the street.

CON:
They may be frauds, posing as your cousins to get

your

kidney.

KEEP IN MIND:
You’ll be competing with these cousins for your grandparents’ estate. Start planting false evidence of

their disloyalty now.

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

SECOND COUSINS

You share great-grandparents.

PRO:
Their genes are different enough that you can marry them without your kids looking like
The Hills Have Eyes.

FDR’s excuse was

CON:
You can’t find anyone to marry besides your cousin?

polio. What’s yours?

(See

Sex and Dating
)

FIFTIETH COUSINS

Many geneticists believe that every human on earth is at least

fiftieth cousin to every other.

PRO:
There’ll be someone to move in with when Social

Security goes bankrupt.

CON:
You are always at a family reunion.

FUN FACT: Did you know there’s such a thing as “double first cousins”?

If your dad and his brother married a pair of sisters, then your aunt and uncle’s children are your double first cousins! If they’re attached by a fleshy band and share major organs, they’re your double first
conjoined
cousins!

It’s true!

DIVORCE

Or as Tammy Wynette spelled it, “Divorce.”

Divorce is marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics just because you ran off and
Mojitos are not a

got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.

shared value!

These are not valid reasons for divorce:

•

Didn’t realize you had to be monogamous.

•

Time period covered by pre-nup expired.

•

Your married name is something like “Anita Hardcock.”

•

Girl you had a crush on in high school just got divorced.

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PROBLEM IS:
More and more young Americans are reaching their prime child-bearing years and making statements like, “Oh, I don’t believe in marriage. My parents’ divorce was so terrible that I don’t want to go through the same thing.” The next thing you know, they’re either single parents or just single—a drain on society either way.

Our bad example is ruining marriage for our children. That is why, for their sake, all American couples must at least fake happiness until their children are married. If it will help you through your misery, think of yourselves as magicians, performing a deftly crafted illusion for more than 20 years.
David Blaine would jump

at the opportunity.

One way or another, you’ve got to work things out. Do not get a divorce. It’s bad for society, it’s in direct opposition to God’s will, and it makes it hard to know what people’s last names are.11

So walk it off. Work it out. 30-day return policy, and then no exchanges. America has a thriving marital counseling industry for just this reason.
COLBERT FAMILY COUNSELING

No family is without problems, and there’s no shame in acknowledging it by shaking your finger at your family members and screaming about how they’ve failed you. I have found that one of my many unexpected talents lies in the area of family counseling; I can sit down with just about any family and, without knowing a thing about them, give them hours of solid advice. The relief on their faces at the end of our “session” is all the reward I ask. Now it’s your turn. Since I can’t meet face to face with everyone who buys this book (unless the sales projections are drastically off), I’d like to offer my services in the form of this all-purpose counseling session for a family of four. Just circle the choices that apply, and I think you’ll find that these are words to live by.12

(Note: By reading these words you acknowledge that Stephen T. Colbert bears
no legal responsibility for the consequences of living by them.)
11
Annulment, on the other hand, is a fantastic option if you’re in a sticky spot. All you have to do is prove to a
church tribunal that there was a canonical impediment to your marriage which made the sacrament invalid
when it was performed. That last, “when it was performed” thing is the tricky part. For instance, if you’re
really stuck on getting a divorce, you can just cheat on your wife once, and that’s grounds. For an annul-
ment, you have to prove that you fully intended to cheat on your wife even before you got married. That’s
tough, because most guys don’t know their nannies before they get married.
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12
Or die by. I’ve got an all-purpose eulogy that uses the same system.
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Happy healing!

Welcome, Mom, Dad, Evan and Kimberly. I’m very encouraged by the fact that you (sought/were ordered into) family counseling, and I think together we can make a lot of progress. I’ve studied your family dynamic and I’d like to address each of you in turn.

Dad, it’s quite obvious to me that you need to (spend more time at home/get a job), in order to relieve the enormous strain put on the family by your constant (absence/presence). If you were (more/less) involved in family life, (Evan/

Kimberly/Mom) might feel some relief from the pressure that drives (his/her) struggle with (authority/drugs/pimples/cooking sherry). By the same token, your (increased/decreased) presence might also allow (Evan/Kimberly/Mom) the perspective to decide whether (he/she) is (considering/rejecting) a career in (sports/medicine/sports medicine/law/jazz dance) because (he/she) really wants to, or in order to (please/infuriate) you. To put it simply, they need you to be at (work/home). It’s time to take another look at your (priorities/résumé) and put yourself (out there/back here).

Now you, Mom. You must accept the fact that your decision to (quit/go back to) (work/school/drinking/Jenny Craig/your meds), while obviously a personal step (forward/backward) for you, also has consequences for the family. Remember, emotionally you have always been their (pillar of strength/ powder keg), and the idea that your life choices will now be made with an eye toward (your career/family life/logic) can take some getting used to. Don’t forget, you’re at a crossroads yourself, with the children getting (older/fatter) and soon to be off to (college/rehab/war/Quiznos). They may not tell you, but they (still/no longer) need you to (loosen/tighten/trim) the (apron strings/reins/

hedges). Let them know that you’re (still/not) their (mom/maid/warden/camel drover), and I think you’ll find them more than willing to (meet you halfway/

move out).

Evan, I know that (making/not making) the (football team/debate club/dance troupe) has you feeling a lot of pressure. But no problem was ever
really
16

solved by (drugs/drinking/Santeria). And (lashing out at/ignoring/massaging) your (parents/sister/teammates/priest) isn’t the answer either. Maybe it will help if you think of the family as a (race car/video game/robot arm). All the parts have to work together if you’re going to (win/win/carefully manipulate the space shuttle’s bay doors closed). And as far as the problem you’ve been having with your (grades/chronic masturbation), I truly believe that the simple answer is just a little (more/less) time spent (studying/working your crank). Now you, Kimberly. I’ll be blunt: You need to (gain/lose) weight. Your body image issues are only masking a deeper (anxiety/indifference/rage) that is the same impulse behind your (attaching/detaching) yourself (from/to) the school’s (in/out/geek/Goth/nerd/jock/preppie/hippie/stoner/loner/Christer) crowd. Can we address the possibility that your (binging/purging/cutting/

piercing/tattooing/promiscuity/meth use) is just your way of asking for your family’s (love/attention/destruction)? When left to your own devices you can be a very (kind/manipulative/frightening) young lady, and you shouldn’t leave it to others to (validate/expose) your (worth/crimes against humanity). The (possibilities/sentences) for (young people/juvenile offenders) are (greater/

harsher) than ever before. (Embrace/Avoid) them.

All right. I’m (glad/sorry) to say this has been a (very/fairly) (productive/disappointing) session, but I am aware of the (time/smoldering trash fire Evan lit), so I’ll see you next week.