I am America (and so can you!) (137 page)

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter
Never switch belief-

what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man’s beliefs never will.
horses midstream-of-

consciousness.

As excited as I am to be here with

the President, I am
appalled
to be

surrounded by the liberal media that is

destroying America, with the exception

of Fox News. Fox News gives you both

sides of every story: the President’s side

Geraldo also gives his
and the Vice President’s side.5

mustache’s side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe?6 Those things are secret for a very important reason: they’re super-depressing. And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good—over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn’t want to know, and
Why not Tale of One

you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as
City? “It was the best

of times. The end.”

we knew.

But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works: the President makes decisions. He’s the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type.
1. Make.

Just put ’em through a spellcheck and go home. Get to know your family again.
2. Announce.

3. Type.

Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head.
4. Do it.

You know—the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage
Or Fantasy.

to stand up to the administration. You know—fiction!

Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, “Oh, they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the
Titanic
.” First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is
soaring
. If
And we’ve got a

anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the
Hindenburg
!

window seat!

224
5
President’s side: Fair. Vice President’s side: Balanced. (And vice versa!)
6
To editors of Eastern European editions: Please redact the “secret prisons” part.

T H E W H I T E H O U S E C O R R E S P O N D E N T S ’ D I N N E R

Now it’s not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They’ve all been on my show. By the way, Mr.
Episodes #2032,

#2027, #110, and

President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as
#2028

everyone here is, I promise you. How’s Tuesday for you? I’ve got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean
bump him
. I know a guy. Say the word.
The word: Nucular.

See who we’ve got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren’t retired yet, right? Right, they still support
Now Rumsfeld can
finally say what

Rumsfeld.

he thought about

himself!

Look, by the way, I’ve got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don’t let them retire! Come on, we’ve got a stop-loss program; let’s use it on these guys. I’ve seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you’re strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on. Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven’t heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Arctic Circle lost by

T.K.O.

Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you?

Just talking some Sicilian with my

paisan.

“Paisan” is Italian for

“Partisan,” right?

John McCain is here. John McCain, John

McCain, what a maverick! Somebody

find out what fork he used on his salad,

because I guarantee you it wasn’t a

salad fork. This guy could have used a

spoon! There’s no predicting him. By

the way, Senator McCain, it’s so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when
225

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

The “Straight-Talk

you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you’ve seen the light, sir.
Express” may, in fact,

make local stops!!

Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city!

Nagin will show

Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I’d like to welcome you to Washington, D.C.,
you his righteous in-

dignation for beads.

the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It’s a Mallomar,7 I guess is what I’m describing, a seasonal cookie. Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god. Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson’s wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.

And, of course, we can’t forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, “Snow Job.” Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.

Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card’s children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn’t made the decision so quickly, sir.

I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns.

In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape, and with your indulgence, I’d like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.

[
What followed was a riveting documentary on the dangers of Helen Thomas.
Imagine that you are watching it.
]

Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents’ Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it’s been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!

226
7
As desserts go, it’s way better than the “Heckuva-Job” Brownie.

T H E W H I T E H O U S E C O R R E S P O N D E N T S ’ D I N N E R

I’m happy to say my speech was met with respectful silence.8 You could hear a pin drop. Or a sphincter clamp.

The President was the first one to greet me. “Well done,” he said. That was payment enough. That, and the check in my breast pocket.

8

227

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

A

F

T

America, see

Colbert, Stephen

G

U

B

H

V

C

I

W

Colbert, Stephen i–230;

X

thoughts on…

J

American Family, the, 4–19

Animals, 30–43

K

Y

Class, 160–169

Higher Education, 118–129

L

Z

Hollywood, 130–147

Homosexual Agenda, the,

M

106–117

Immigrants, 180–189

Media, the, 150–159

N

Old People, 20–29

Race, 170–179

O

Religion, 44–67

Science, 190–207

P

Sex & Dating, 86–105

Sports, 70–85

Q

D

R

E

S

Stephen Colbert, see

Colbert, Stephen

228

Without the support of the following groups and individuals,
I Am America (And So Can You)
would be merely
I Want to Be America (But How?)

Thank you to Jamie Raab and her team at Grand Central Publishing; Bob Castillo, Jimmy Franco, Tom Whatley and Anne Twomey for their patience, counsel and trust. Many thanks to Doyle Partners for their design prowess. Stephen Doyle, August Heffner, and Staci MacKenzie made this process a joyful collaboration.

Thanks to Jake Chessum and his crew for our beautiful cover and chapter photography. Erica Myrickes was indispensable. And the book would not be possible without the enthusiasm, talent and support of Hilary Siegel, Katie Bruggeman, and the entire staff and crew of
The Colbert Report.

Thanks to Robin Sanders for making this book legal.

Thank you to Jon Stewart for inspiration and guidance.

The photographic skills and intrepid spirits of John Bedolis and Andrew Matheson were essential, as were the wardrobe and make-up savvy of Antonia Xereas and Kerrie Plant-Price. Thank you to Ben Karlin for his advice and encouragement.

Also, huge thanks to James Dixon, Dan Strone, Carrie Byalick, Cliff Gilbert-Lurie, Doug Herzog, Michele Ganeless and everyone at Comedy Central.

Finally, thanks to the following people who got us through this process and who we are lucky to have in our lives:

The Brumm Family and Camille March, Jennifer and Luka Buneta, The Community, Rita Cooley and the family, Leyla and Madison Dahm and the Dahm family, The Dinello Family and Your Soul Mate, The Dubbin family and Cailin Goldberg-Meehan, Christina Gausas, Glenn’s family, Debra Downing Grosz, Emily Gwinn Hall, Adrian Jones, The Katsir/Schimer/Gold Family and Adina Lemeshow, The Krafft Family, The Lesser family, Sharon Long and the Long family, Anne Martin and Shermy, Meredith’s family, The Silverman/Smart family, The McGee Family, Lorna Colbert and her Hilarious Brood, and Madeleine, Peter and John, and Evie McGee for her love and patience.

And to anyone we’ve forgotten, please accept our apologies, and we’ll see you in the paperback.

O R I G I N A L

Harry-Nosed Wombat:

Studios Inc. STAR TREK

I L L U S T R AT I O N S A N D

iStockphoto;
Cow:
Mary Ann

and related marks are

Chapter Opener:
Chessum;

G R A P H I C S :

Kirigin;
Cow Diagram:

trademarks of CBS Studios

Clerk:
Getty Images
; Rich

Andro Buneta

Buneta;
Food Pyramid:
Long;

Inc. All Rights Reserved;

Family:
Getty Images;
Poor

August Heffner

Pat the Bunny:
Andrew

Neil Patrick Harris:
Corbis;

Family:
Library of Congress;

Kristopher Long

Matheson;
FunZone Balls:

Formerly Gay Man:

Amanda Pastenkos

Photos
John Bedolis/

Matheson;
Adopted child: