I am America (and so can you!) (133 page)

humans, then disguise themselves as janitors and walk out of their cages. But I guess evolution doesn’t have an answer for that one.

The main perpetrator of this monkey lie is Charles Darwin. He wrote all about it in his 1859 book
The Origin of Species
. He claims to have developed this “theory” after studying “finches” on the Galapagos “Islands,” but I can guess why he really came up with it. He was on the Galapagos Islands for Spring Break, got smashed, woke up in bed next to a monkey, and then had to come up with a theory that made it all okay.

F

Fahrenheit

I used to be pro-Fahrenheit—after all, it’s the American way of measuring heat. That is, until I learned it was named after some Dutch guy. Sorry, but I don’t want my thermometer taking orders from some Amsterdam stoner who got

“Dude, it’s like I can

bonged out of his mind one night and started messing around with mercury.
see the temperature!”

H

Hydrogen Fuel Cells

Two words: Hindenburg. Think how amazing it would be if cars did that!

It certainly would cut down on fender benders. I’m pro.

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SCIENCE GLOSSARY

Herpetology

The study of reptiles and amphibians. Affects one out of six Americans. G

Geology

The last thing I need is a bunch of dust-covered fossil sweepers telling me that the Earth is four billion years old. “Carbon dating?” Just palm reading for rocks. That said, Geodes are pretty.

Shiny

Global Warming

Validated by the free market when Al Gore’s movie,
An Inconvenient Truth
, became a box-office smash. But let’s not get carried away, America. Granted the temperature’s steadily increasing, but I’ve been taking some measurements of my own, and the degree to which I care about the Harp seal is still
Important:

Is it F-H-G or F-G-H?

holding steady at “way less than I care about my Audi A8.”9

Remember to ask

editor.

I

Ichthyology

I have never been able to get beyond the basic contradiction of ichthyology: It is the study of fish. Yet the science starts with “Ick,” which is a form of scale rot that killed my Black Mollies. Killing fish is not what I call a science. It’s what I call fishing.

J

Jumble

I don’t know how many scientists it takes to so precisely scramble those words every day, but I’m grateful. Great way to sharpen the old noodle over the morning toast.

They’re so

knifgcu dhra.

9
My A8 actually has 10 cyninders. The last two just heat the bread warmer in my glove compartment. Mmm.
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Warm buscuits at 80 mph.

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

SCIENCE GLOSSARY

K

Kites

See “Magic,” below.

L

Liposuction

Science has knocked this one out of the park. Throughout human history, we have dreamed of reaching the rich fat deposits locked tantalizingly beneath our skin. Now, with a scalpel, a plastic tube, and a household vacuum cleaner (I recommend the Orick 8lb. upright), that bounty is finally ours. Industrial lubricant, artificial fattener—the applications are endless. This is a science I can get behind. Plus it makes ladies easier to get behind, if you know what I’m saying.

M

Magic

My all-time favorite kind of science. It’s mystical, entertaining, and you never know what’s going to happen next. A physicist will tell you, “It’s impossible
By the way, still

for that rabbit to be transported across the room into that hat.” But a magic
waiting to get my

rabbit back.

scientist will get it done.

The only problem I have with magic scientists is that they are not as forthcoming with information as some other scientists. If you meet a chemist in a bar, you can’t get them to shut up about how to make different compounds out of common cleaning agents under your sink.

Magic also has a much more practical application than the other sciences. I saw a magic scientist make an airplane disappear on TV. If we can move enough of those scientists onto the battlefield, imagine our army’s easy victories as each enemy pilot sits on the ground, blinking in surprise that
Where does it say

there’s no plane around him anymore!

you can’t make a

cape in camouflage?

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SCIENCE GLOSSARY

N

Nephrology

Nephrology is the study of kidneys. Kidneys! What will they think of next?

Livers?

O

Ornithology

I can’t see why you’d bother studying birds generally when we still don’t know everything there is to know about eagles. What do I care about the mating habits of a sparrow, or the neurological impulses underlying catbird sub-song development? One dive, and an eagle could turn those warblers into a cloud of feathery mulch. I say let’s put ornithology on hold until we have the
I have Feathery
Mulch’s first album

technology to communicate with eagles, so we can convince them to pull us
on vinyl around here

somewhere…

around the sky in air-sleds.

Oceanography

As longtime viewers know, I’ve never trusted the sea. What’s it hiding under there? I fully support this science, not only to figure out what’s down there,
There be monsters.

but to develop weapons to destroy it before it destroys us. Think I’m crazy?

Just take a peep at an angler fish sometime. These monsters look like the offspring of a sea bass and a bear trap, and growing smack in the middle of their skulls is a curved rod dangling a juicy chunk of bioluminescent flesh. That’s right. They’re fishing for us. Oceanographers, America’s safety is in your hands. Get to work on the submersible deep-fat fryer.

P

Physics

Some say this science is fundamental; I say it’s a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference—universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn. No staying in motion if acted on by a net force. No thermodynamic systems without entropy. Hey, is it wrong that I sometimes want to act without having to deal with an equal and opposite reaction? Honey, are you listening? These laws just keep us from reaching our
On the plus side:
Nukes

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full potential as flying, time-traveling, teleporting clusters of energy. We’d be a lot better off if we took physics off the books and just let the free market decide what was possible for matter. E=mc2? Everything=my choice2!

Psychology

My theory is that this science was invented by someone with a leather couch and a strong desire not to go to medical school. Really? I’m supposed to sit down and tell you all my problems, and then at the end of the hour all I get for my time and my $300 is you telling me “We’re making progress, I’ll see you next week”? If I drop that kind of scratch for a doctor, I’d better be leaving
Whatever Nick Nolte
with some heavy-duty drugs and a tantalizing instruction not to mix them
is taking

with them alcohol.

Psychiatry

Psychology with
balls
. And a prescription pad.

Periodic Table

First off, way to rip off the United States, science. Look familiar?

Second, what’s with all the letters? Gold is Au? Welcome to America—

speak English! Those letters have to be a code for something, and I think I’ve cracked it. Check out the hidden message I found in the Periodic

“Feel tepid, celibate

Anagram
of Elements.

morons!”

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SCIENCE GLOSSARY

SECRET MESSAGE

Satan here. Congratulations! You broke code. Here are instructions.
Scientists: Assault faith, drain values.

Gays: Keep up sex.

Yours,

Satan

That’s using every letter of the Periodic Table. With only these left over:

SBGBHHIMDSRGBUUUQUUPUUHOEGUUSUURLRCDPRNDPMTSMUGDB

Q

To my knowledge, there are no sciences that begin with the letter “Q.”

Let’s try to keep it that way.

R

Robots

I don’t think I need to rehash this subject here, given that I have written an entire chapter devoted to the dangers of this technology and its imminent takeover. (See Chapter 18: Yes Iron Master! How to Serve Their Needs and Keep Your Job!)

S

Stem Cells

This seems like an OK idea. I used to watch
Star Trek
, and when someone broke their leg, Dr. McCoy just held a little whirring medical device over them, and the leg healed right up. I am fairly sure that device used stem cells somehow. From what I’ve heard about how they work, that sounds right. However, on
Star Trek
they never showed any of the abortions that powered that device. So I’m hoping they found another source of stem cells. Jury’s out on this one.

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T

Techronology

As in Chevron, the gas with Techron! This exciting field is bringing gasoline performance to new heights. But the innovators working in Techronology believe in more than just keeping cars happy and performing at their best by maximizing the cleaning power of all octane grades; they’re investing in human energy. Thanks to their hard work, Chevron was the first American gasoline company to have its product labeled a TOP TIER Gasoline. As we speak, Techronologists are making unprecedented advances in cleaning intake system deposits while controlling combustion deposits. Remember,
Still waiting for that

your valves are a temple—fill them with Techron!

check to clear, guys.

U

Urology

This is pee science. Dirty stuff, but I guess it takes all types.
I’m Stephen Colbert!

Who am I to judge?

V

Vitamins

I’m not crazy about the fact that vitamins are teaching kids the alphabet. Vitamin A, B6, B12? Cereal boxes should be for taking the Rabbit through the
I’m not good at

maze to get his Trix, not about reading lessons.

swallowing pills.

Plus, vitamin C? If I want to avoid scurvy, I’ll eat sauerkraut with the rest of the crew.

W

Why?

God said so.

This is the question that scientists are always asking. You know who else asks that?
Five-year-olds.
Shows you the kind of mental development we’re dealing with here, folks.

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SCIENCE GLOSSARY

X

X-Rays

X-Rays are elitist. You have to be a doctor in order to use them. Well, maybe I want to take a look at my bones not because they’re broken—just because they’re pretty. No dice. They won’t ship a machine to your house. I finally managed to find a source who knows a guy who got me some X-Ray glasses. But they only work on my hand, and even then only in good light. Very disappointing. You know those X-Ray doctors are looking through girls’ clothes
all the time.

Y

Y-Chromosomes

The Y-chromosome is provided by the father and determines if the baby will be a manchild. Here’s a no-fail way to make sure your baby is a boy: Put yourself in a centrifuge right before lovemaking. The spinning sends the weaker girl chromosomes flying to the back of the scrotum, while the boy chromosomes hold their positions. This leaves them right up front, ready to lead the charge. Little-known madeup fact: This is why, at carnivals, the Spinner ride is always right next to the Tunnel of Love.

Yodeling

Oh, so Joni Mitchell is a scientist now?

Z

Zoology

One would think, “A school of study dedicated to locking up animals in cages
I saw a
Twilight

Zone
where people

so that we can throw popcorn at them—finally, a noble science.” Not neces
were in the zoo. Can
that happen?

sarily the case. While zoologists undoubtedly do good work toward establishing our dominance over the animals (see Chapter 2, “Animals”), a surprising amount of zoologists’ time is spent thinking of ways for pandas to get off. I say, no more funding for Sing-Sing to play with Ling-Ling’s thing-thing.10

10
Until she sees the ring-ring.

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