I am America (and so can you!) (135 page)

2012

Miami Dolphins 78, Dallas Cowboys 0

2013

Miami Dolphins 254, Dallas Cowboys 0

2014

Miami Dolphins 3,340, Dallas Cowboys 0 1

2015

Dallas Cowboys 21, New England Patriots 17 2

2016

Florida Jaguars 31, Arizona Cardinals 9

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1
Just for the record, this game was a lot closer than the score indicates.
2
First Super Bowl following UN-mandated execution of Miami Dolphins

2017

Arizona Cardinals 21, Baghdad Tigers 12

2018

Kansas City Chiefs 27, San Francisco Sodomites 17

2019

(Super Bowl cancelled)

2020

North America Survivors 26, Southern Wastelands 14

2021

North America Survivors 27, EuroNordic Alliance 26 (OT)

2022

(Super Bowl cancelled)

2023

(Super Bowl cancelled)

2024

Sector B5 Meta-Creatures 52, Human Playthings 7

2025

Sector B5 Meta-Creatures 64, Human Playthings 0

2026

Miami Dolphins 45, Sector B5 Meta-Creatures 14 3

INSTRUCTIONS ON DEFROSTING MY HEAD

Defrosting isn’t as easy as you’d think.

The best way to defrost my head is simply to move it from the cryogenic freezer to a refrigerator. Make sure you place my head in a pan at least two inches deep; you’re going to want to catch all my juices.

If you want my head up and shouting sooner, then place my head in a big pot full of cold water. Allow a half an hour of soaking time per pound of head until thawing is complete. Replace the water every half hour and make sure my head is in a leak-proof package because brain tissue can absorb moisture and become mushy.

It’s also possible to defrost my head in the microwave. Set the power to lowmedium for six minutes per pound, rotating my head occasionally.
DO NOT
thaw my head by leaving it out overnight in a room-temperature environment (like a picnic cooler). I will become susceptible to contamination by bacteria like salmonella or something. Do not let me be contaminated with salmonella or something, because when you reattach me to that prisoner’s body, I will be angry!

Looking forward to seeing you,

Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

3
In my opinion, the Miami Dolphins should have been reanimated a few years earlier, but hey, I’m not the
211

Pan-Galactic Sporting Commissioner.

fig 18.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

L E A R N E D ?

HAVE WE LEARNED? THAT’S THE

WRONG QUESTION. WE HAVEN’T

WHAT
LEARNED ANYTHING. YOU LEARNED.

I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING IN

THIS BOOK, OR I COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE WRITTEN IT.

DON’T MAKE THIS ABOUT ME. YOU ALWAYS DO THAT. IT’S

ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU’VE LEARNED FROM ME.

But make no mistake—my book isn’t a monologue; it’s a dialogue—a dialogue between me and my opinions, and you’ve been welcomed to eavesdrop on us. Just a glance back at the Table of Contents should give you a pretty good idea of those things about which you didn’t know my opinions before you read the book, which you know now.

You’ve learned about the forces aligned to destroy America—whether they be terrorists, environmentalists, or Kashi brand breakfast cereals. You’ve learned how to detect left-wing media bias by looking at the media and saying “It’s biased.” You’ve learned that my dog’s name is Gipper. What’s more, you’ve learned many things that will anger you when they are left out or altered in the eventual movie adaptation of this book.

213

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

And there’s so much more. In fact, however carefully you’ve just read this book, there are sure to be lessons within it that you’ve yet to fully comprehend. That’s why you should buy a fresh copy and read it again. The smell and feel of a new book is part of the lesson.

And remember, just because you bought this book, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy the audio book. There are some things that simply cannot be conveyed in print.
Inflection
, for instance.

Plus, I’m working on a quote-a-day calendar (as well as an audio quote-a-day calendar). There’s a lot of repurposing of content yet to be done, believe me!

I’m certain that each of these products will become a valuable tool in your social justice toolbox, and each will probably feature a small amount of original bonus material.

FROM HERE, TO WHERE NOW, DO WE GO?

This is where you come in. You need to take the lessons of this book and apply them in your community—at the ballot box, at your local School Board meeting, when you’re crossing a picket line, when you’re volunteering your time and firearms at a Texas border fence. Heck, there’s no reason not to try cold-calling random people out of the phone book and telling them what you’ve learned. (If they’re not home, leave a long message—maybe the chapter on The Media?)

Once you’re armed with my knowledge, you should never again be afraid to speak up. For the more you speak up, the louder you become. And the more you speak up in my voice, the louder I become. If someone has a problem with it, just say, “Well, it’s not just my opinion, it’s Stephen Colbert’s opinion, and I happen to agree.” Then it’s two against one, and we
win
. I promise to hold up my end of the bargain. I will continue to bring you the best my gut has to offer via my hit television broadcast,
The Colbert Report
. I will continue to make a wide variety of products available at my website that will help you to spread our message of me.

214

W H A T H A V E W E L E A R N E D ?

Well, you’ve reached the end of this book. If you read it hard enough, you should now be hearing my voice in your head. Put down the book for a second. Can you still hear me? Don’t be afraid to answer out loud. I can hear you, too. Good.

You should also be seeing my thoughts in the margins of other books. I know in the introduction I said not to make a habit out of reading, but just like the main character in any truly great novel/autobiography, at the end, I’ve found myself a changed man. I’ve come to realize that my biggest problem with other books was simply that I didn’t write them.

Stay strong. Be brave. Share (newly bought copies of) this book with your friends and family. You’ll be glad you did. And more importantly, so will I. Because after all:

I Am America (And So Can You!)

And you can take that to the bank. I know I will.

Amen.

215

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

I AM AMERICA (And So Can You!)

Step 1

To properly close my book, begin by holding
I Am America
waist-high with another person so that Section A, my cover image, is parallel to the ground.
216

Step 2

Fold the upper half of the cover, Section A, lengthwise
over
the field of text, Section B, holding the bottom portion, Section C, and edges, Section D, securely.

Step 3

Gently bring Section A to rest upon Section B and Section C being careful to support book from underside, or back cover, Section E. If executed correctly, the cover image should now be facing upwards. The book may now be put down. See you tomorrow!

217

T H E W H I T E H O U S E

C O R R E S P O N D E N T S ’ D I N N E R

Wherever I go, from P. Diddy’s annual White Party to

Hollywood premieres to the men’s room at Sharper

Image, I meet Heroes.1 And they all want to know the

same thing: “What was it like to be you, Stephen T.

Colbert, at the 2006 White House Correspondents’

Dinner?” This is for them.

It was an average Thursday afternoon at
The Report
. I was making minor repairs to my power massage recliner when the phone rang.

“Colbert. Go.”

“Mr. Colbert, it’s Mark Smith, President of the White House Press Corps Association.”

I was suspicious.
Mark Smith
? It sounded like a made up name.

“Go on, Mr.
Smith
.”

“Well, every year the Association holds a charity dinner and we would like you to be our after-dinner speaker. The President will be there.”

The President will be there
. His words rang in my ear. I was interested, but first I had question: How much does it pay? I don’t care what the event is or who is going to be there. No. Free. Rides.

218
1
People who did not skip ahead to this chapter, but read the book from start to finish as intended.
T H E W H I T E H O U S E C O R R E S P O N D E N T S ’ D I N N E R

After my price was met, I threw myself into the preparations. Every night after the show, I would eat heavy banquet food and then stand behind a podium and try to talk. It was grueling work and there were some nights that I thought I couldn’t make it. But by the day before the event, I could talk for 30 minutes on a stomachful of Chicken Kiev and cheesecake. Nothing could stop me now. All that was left was to write the speech.

Now the Heroes know how fast I can write when I don’t edit myself. Caring about whether something “makes sense” or “promotes violence” only leads to writer’s block and ultimately suicide. I don’t play that game. My plan was to write the speech on the car ride over to the dinner. Unfortunately, the dinner turned out to be at the Washington Hilton—the same hotel where I was staying. That meant whatever remarks I was going to prepare would have to be written in the elevator ride from my suite to the banquet room. I’d have to wing everything else straight from my gut. So be it. I love a challenge, plus elevators have emergency stop buttons.

Finally, the night came. April 29, 2006. Was I nervous? Sure. But I put on my game face. I also put on my game clothes. The Tuxedo. I was born to wear a tux. In fact, as a child my parents used to rent me out as a ring bearer for shotgun weddings.

NEWS FLASH: I wore my White House Correspondents’ Dinner tuxedo to the 2006 Emmy Awards. After I lost, I had it cremated and scattered over Barry Manilow.

First stop was a private VIP cocktail party with the President. How exclusive was it? Two words: Open Bar. Not even drink tickets. Karl Rove just stamped the back of your hand when you came in.

I was mixing with the crème de la crème of Republican celebrities. Names like Tommy Lasorda and the wife from
Everybody Loves Raymond
. Then, George W. Bush arrived. He made a beeline for me, in that, like a bee, he went all around the room and then came up to me last.

“Pleased to meet you, ColberT.”

219