I am America (and so can you!) (132 page)

fig 16.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 1 4

“She blinded me with science.”

–Thomas Dolby, unable to find scientific formula for follow-up hit
I MAY QUOTE MYSELF: REALITY

IF

HAS A WELL-KNOWN LIBERAL

BIAS. AND WHO CAN YOU DEPEND

ON TO KOWTOW TO REALITY LIKE

IT’S THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN? SCIENTISTS. THEY DO

IT RELIGIOUSLY. WITH THEIR FANATICAL DEVOTION,
Like Eve, Newton
offended God with

an apple.

SCIENTISTS ARE NO BETTER THAN CULT MEMBERS—

only difference is that they put their blind faith in empirical observation instead of in a drifter who marries 14-year-olds and declares himself the reincarnation of Ramses II.

Now, I have nothing against observation per se. Looking at things is one of my great talents. In fact, as vice president of my Neighborhood Crime Watch, I personally witnessed a young couple attempt to paint their house a color not approved by the Home Owners’ Association. Thanks to my observation and flier campaign, their gracious home is now a beautiful Mannered Taupe. But scientists use observation in a different way: to draw conclusions about the way reality works. They look at the world and ask questions about it. Only
“Why am I so lonely?”

problem, we weren’t put on this planet to question our environment, we were put here to process it into fuel for our cars.

191

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

You see, like a load of dirty laundry spontaneously generates rats, questions
Kill two birds: add

spontaneously generate
data
and
facts
. And trust me: I wouldn’t italicize
fabric softener and

rat poison.

these things if I didn’t believe they were dangerous. It’s not like I’m looking for extra work.

Just take a look at history. Over the centuries, scientific evidence has viciously attacked the status quo. There’s a reason we have a status quo: It ensures that the
status
of our lives is consistent so we can meet our
quo
tas. When 18thcentury scientist Edward Jenner discovered that parents could protect their children from smallpox with a vaccine, it may have saved a few thousand lives, but it also destroyed the magic amulet industry.

Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!

Well, I’m not flushing and neither should you! In the last few centuries science has made some giant strides in our understanding of the world, but it’s time to turn back the clock. Speaking of clocks, how about we stop letting the earth’s rotation dictate what time it is? I say it’s Morning in America!2

“METHOD?” OR MADNESS?
3

Bunsen burnouts

When it comes to understanding the universe, the Beaker Brigade won’t shut 4

up about its method of inquiry,
The Scientific Method
.

This process consists of several basic steps, including but not limited to—I’m sorry, I blacked out there. Suffice it to say, there are a bunch of steps. Put on a
Café Americano

pot of coffee. This might take a while.

Step 1: Observation:
“Mankind has a pretty nice relationship with God.”

Step 2: Hypothesis:
“I bet people would start to doubt the existence of God if I claimed that the Earth revolves around the Sun,

instead of the other way around like the Bible says.”

192
2
It doesn’t feel like we’re rotating.

3
Answer: Madness.

4
Only good method: rhythm.

Step 3: Experiment:
“ I will publish my heretical beliefs and see how the Church reacts.”

Step 4: Conclusion:
“I recant! Please stop torturing me!!!”

Sorry—“Enhanced

Interrogating” me

A BETTER WAY

It’s natural to be curious about our world, but the scientific method is just one
Just don’t be curious
about your body.

theory
about how to best understand it. We live in a democracy, which means that we should treat every theory equally.

So here’s an alternative two-step method for understanding the universe: Step 1:
Remember:
Six thousand years ago, God created the Heavens and the Earth.

Step 2:
Repeat as necessary.

Step 3? Repent as

necessary.

Isn’t that a whole lot easier than analyzing electromagnetic background for evidence of some “Big Bang” fourteen billion years ago? Fourteen billion is a pretty big number, and God didn’t create us so we could waste time trying to picture fourteen billion cupcakes.
(DON’T TRY THIS!)

One… two… aaargh!

MOVING ON:
That about covers science, but what about the folks who practice this crackpot doctrine? I spend a lot of time with scientists (about 6

minutes with each one that comes on my show), and I can honestly say that despite appearances, most of them are decent, well-intentioned people. They’re
However, Neil DeGrasse
Tyson is an absolute

just dangerously deluded. It’s easy to see how they get sucked in. They’re
monster.
physically awkward and lonely, so they spent their adolescence down by the creek studying the creatures that live there. “I may be ridiculed at school,” they think, “but a
crayfish
would never judge me.”5

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all
But a baboon with
my hair would make

of humanity.6

a handsome pet.

5
Wrong! If that crayfish had bigger claws, it would pants you in a second.
193

6
Not to mention baboonity.

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

ELITE E-LERT: Scientists claim that the earth is four billion years old. Yet they still can’t explain many of the enduring mysteries of the universe. Hey, scientists, if you’re so smart, why do you need more than four billion years to figure stuff out?

NO HEROES ALLOWED:
I’ve said it before (see above), science is elitist. Making rules, setting boundaries, constantly telling us what is and isn’t flammable7—all without input from the very people who are expected to abide by those laws. I know I never consented to Gravity Without Representation. So who gave some lab-coated pipette wielder permission to act like he knows more than I do about mitochondria, just because he spent twenty years of his life studying them in a laboratory? PhDs and 300-page dissertations don’t make his opinion any more valid. I happen to have some mitochondria myself,

My
tochondria!

and I can tell you that
mine
don’t take their marching orders from Cal Tech. Furthermore, why should I care that four out of five dentists recommend Crest? What qualifies some fluoride-pusher to call the shots when it comes to my oral hygiene? A diploma from Dental Camp?

The point is, no one is more qualified to tell me what the world means to me, than me. And don’t think you’re any different: No one is more qualified to tell you what the world means to
you
than me.

So I’ve prepared an itemized and exhaustive list of
my
thoughts on various scientific disciplines. You won’t find these opinions in any textbook, unless it happens to be one I’ve defaced.

194
7
If I believe washer fluid is a sports drink, that’s my business.

SCIENCE GLOSSARY

A glossar-Me,

if you will

A

Aerospace

Aerospace is the science of making planes go faster. Here’s my problem with it: I always fly First Class. Why would I want the trip over sooner?

Alchemy

There are some amazing things that people have simply given up on: radio dramas, elevator operators, and the transmutation of lead into gold. I don’t understand it. Nobody needs lead anymore except X-Ray technicians. Why aren’t we turning more of it into gold? We must make this a priority. Think of
Yet we turn

dinosaurs into oil?

the benefits to society. One example: Run-down tenements in America are full of lead-based paint. With a little alchemy, not only will those homes no longer be health hazards, they will be
gorgeous
.

Astrology

I’ll get behind any field that promises to both tell the future and promote lastminute grocery-line commerce. Plus, anyone who’s been universally rejected by mainstream science must be doing something right.

Here’s a little horoscope I prepared for my fellow Tauruses:

TAURUS
(4/20 – 5/20)—A risky venture yields exceptional
profits
. Heed the
words
of a superior authority, and prosperity will follow.

…in bed.

Sounds too good to be true, I know. But it’s all right there in the alignment of Mercury. And it’s such a funny coincidence, because I was about to propose that everyone buy five extra copies of my book as gifts so others can reap the
profits
of my
words
. Huh. The Universe truly works in mysterious ways.
195

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

SCIENCE GLOSSARY

Astronomy

This science became obsolete as soon as they named all the constellations. These days all astronomers do is sit around reclassifying Pluto and faking moon landings. We need maybe two of them to keep an eye on the black hole
Study
these
stars.

at the center of the galaxy; let the rest go.

Or, if you want to do something useful, astronomers, how about some new constellations? Nobody cares about Caelum. Or this one:

It’s a little triangle. Its name?
Triangulum
. Did we really need an ancient Greek to tell us that? And how ’bout…

Fig. 1.
T R I A N G U L U M

Fornax. It’s
two
stars. Since “Fornax” isn’t Greek for

the “Line,” there is no excuse for this thing. And it’s next to Eridanus, the “River.” For Zeus’ sake! Constellations were

supposed to help with navigation. The River is not going

to help with navigation.
Any
stars could form a river! Pick
Fig. 2.
F O R N A X

any ten stars, draw a line through them. Pow! River.

So let’s take some of these constellations make something we care about. Here’s how you do it:

196

SCIENCE GLOSSARY

B

Botany

This is actually a very hot science. You think that, since it’s all about flowers, it’s literally a pansy science. But botany isn’t just flowers—it’s mostly about breeding and crossbreeding flowers. That’s right—flower sex. Graphic stamen-on-pistil action. This is the hardcore birds-and-bees stuff. I will tell you this: If you meet a botanist in a bar, chances are she is ready to go. Botany? More like Hotany™.

C

Cloning

Cloning has got to be the dumbest idea in history. Have scientists never
Next to History

watched a single movie in their lives? Clones live to do one of three things: replace us so that no one notices except our girlfriend whose suspicions are slowly aroused, until she becomes a target in the clone’s deadly game; rebel against us, demanding equal rights; or attack us, like in
Attack of the Clones
, which I didn’t actually see. No free labor source is worth all of this trouble.
Still torn on ape

labor. We should be

able to quell their

D

uprising.

DNA

There are some who claim that DNA is an instruction manual for all living cells. But if IKEA has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t need instructions. My coffee table works just fine, provided I remember to attach the counterweights.8

But the nerd patrollers claim that hereditary traits are determined by genes on the DNA, as shown below.

I said
below
.

Why are you looking

Brown Hair

over here?

Oil-free forehead

American Catholic

Big hands…if you know

what I’m talking about

Fear of mummies

8
IKEA, give your products American names. I don’t want to buy anything called a “Ramvik Svalov.”

197

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

SCIENCE GLOSSARY

Well, I don’t buy it. God and back-alley cosmetic surgery determine what I look like, not some no-good nucleotides linked together in a ladder-like shape twisted into a spiral. Just one more reason I don’t trust ladders. If God
Every night I pray for

wanted me to reach something, He would have given me Go-Go Gadget arms.
a giraffe-neck. But

it’s not in God’s plan.

E

Evolution

To put it simply, evolution is an affront to God. Anyone who believes in it will burn in eternal hellfire, probably while being prodded by flaming chimpanzees with razor-sharp bananas. Evolutionists’ main claim is that one day we decided to stop being monkeys and turned ourselves into humans. Well, if that’s true, why aren’t
I’m thinking about it

more monkeys escaping from zoos? Think about it. They could turn into
right now.