Fragile Bonds (12 page)

“Daddy, I’m big now, just like you,” he squeals. I look down at his sudsy head and can’t help but laugh at the huge grin he’s giving me. Despite everything that has happened to him this month, Jacob is still finding little things to smile about.

“You sure are, buddy,” I praise him.

Jacob looks to the drain, shuffling his feet back and forth in the soapy water. When he looks back up at me, I see concern filling his eyes. “What’s wrong?” I ask, crouching down so I’m on his level.

“Do you think Mommy would be proud of me for not arguing with you
‘bout washing my hair?” Sadness flashes across his face for a brief moment.

“I think she is very proud of you,” I assure him. “Remember what Miss Melanie told you, Jacob. Your mommy sees everything you do and I know she would be here giving you kisses on your head, telling you how grown up you’re being.”

We finish rinsing our bodies and I turn off the water. Jacob shoves the door open, handing a towel back to me. “Daddy, are you going to call her?” he asks, his voice barely audible.

“Yeah buddy, we’ll call her before bedtime.” I’m not sure I’m ready to hear her sweet voice yet, but this isn’t about me. I have to continue shoving my own feelings to the back burner, this time because she has become a staple in Jacob’s life.
He
needs to talk to her, so I will suck it up.

Even though it’s only eight-thirty, I crawl beneath the sheets in my hotel room. I don’t expect the change of scenery to make sleep any easier, but exhaustion combined with driving most of the day might allow me a brief reprieve from the thoughts racing through my mind.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see my phone light up with an incoming call. I turned off the ringer earlier in the day because Stacey has been calling incessantly. I have no desire to talk to her, but she apparently found out that Alyssa passed away and keeps trying to see how I’m doing. Before I realized that she wasn’t the friend I thought she was, Stacey was always the one I would vent to when I lost a patient. She was the one who was there for
me
when I was busy trying to be there for the families.

“Hello?” I answer, seeing a picture of Xavier and Jacob playing with blocks on my screen. It’s one of hundreds of pictures of the little boy that I’ve taken since November.
I need to remember to burn them to a CD and then clear them off my phone. Scrolling through pictures of Alyssa, Xavier and Jacob every night is only going to make it harder for me to move on.

“Did I disturb you?” Xavier’s voice is so tired. I wish he hadn’t thought it necessary to run away as soon as the funeral was over, but I understand it. But not knowing where he is makes it harder for me to keep my promise to Alyssa, even if it makes
moving on easier for me.

“No, is everything okay?” This is the first time I’ve heard from him since the night of the funeral. He told me that he needed to get away for a while and that he would be in touch when he was ready. I’ve wanted to call him so many times since then, but I’ve been trying to give him that space.

The sound of his breathing is the only indication that our call is still connected. I don’t press him to speak, figuring it can’t be easy for him to pick up the phone and call me. I’ve been a painful part of his past for a long time, but now even more so. Honestly, I hadn’t expected to hear from him this soon.

“Nothing’s wrong, if that’s what you mean,” he huffs. And then more silence. I hear Jacob in the background and I have to close my eyes
to stave off the tears. He’s not my child, but I can’t imagine I would miss him any more if he was. Jacob and I were inseparable from the morning after Alyssa’s death until the night of the funeral. Xavier didn’t want him to have to stay for the entire visitation, so I offered to take him to my place. At first, I thought Xavier was going to refuse my offer because he was so upset with me for not saving Alyssa. But then, he thought about his son instead of himself and agreed it was for the best. And the morning of the funeral, he asked me to sit with the family so I could help watch Jacob. That was tense, to say the least, given that all of Xavier’s family knew who I was, but no one said a word.

“Jacob misses you. He’s been asking me constantly if we could call you. I hope you don’t mind.”
Xavier’s voice is strained and I can only imagine how much it’s taking for him to once again accept my help.

“Of course not,” I say, my voice higher-pitched than normal. “I miss him too.”

Once Jacob grabs the phone away from his father, I don’t say a word. With as quickly as he’s talking, I wonder if he thinks he has to tell me everything he has to say as fast as he can. He tells me about how long and boring their drive to North Carolina was. And then about his bedroom has dead fish on the blanket. I’ll have to ask Xavier about that.

It’s not until he starts talking about walking on the ocean that I realize where they are. I don’t know
why
I didn’t think of it sooner, but Xavier loves the Outer Banks. When we were younger, he talked about moving there after I was out of school, but then abandoned that thought because there weren’t many jobs in our fields so far out. My concern for them eases a bit, knowing that Xavier has taken Jacob to a place he finds calming.

“Miss Melanie, will you come see me soon?” Jacob asks. The
solace I just started feeling is replaced by tension caused by the hope in his little voice. If Xavier wanted me there, he would have told me where he was going. And right now, I’m fairly certain neither of us are ready to be in the same time zone, much less under the same roof.

“That’s up to your daddy,” I inform him. There is a tinge of guilt over the fact that I just totally put the ball in Xavier’s
court. And that it was so easy for me to do. In the past, Xavier was my safety net when there were tough decisions to be made. I trusted him to do what was best for me in every situation. But that’s not what this is about. I could have told Jacob that I’m too busy to make a trip that far from home, but I decided to deflect and let Xavier take the blame for me not being near them. “But you can call me
anytime.
”

“Okay,” he says, satisfied by my answer. At least for the next thirty seconds. “Daddy says it’s time to go to bed now. I love you, Miss Melanie.”

“I love you too, buddy.” I quickly end the call before he can hear me start crying.

It’s a full moon tonight. Jacob has settled into a good nighttime routine since I moved him into my bedroom, which leaves me nothing to do but sit out here in the swing and think. Nights like tonight, I miss Alyssa so much that the pain suffocates me. She would love gently rocking back and forth, watching the reflection of the moon dancing across the waves. If I wasn’t worried that he would wake up and find me gone, I would love nothing more than to lose myself walking along the beach with the water crashing against my legs.

She’s been gone for over a month now. And I still wake up every morning, forgetting where I am for a moment, and I steel myself to walk into Alyssa’s room and check on her. And then I open
my eyes just in time to feel the anvil drop on my chest. I’m not at home. She’s gone. We’re alone. Then, I have to shift gears, finding a way to hide my own emotions before Jacob wakes up for our daily adventures. While not something I thought of when we came down here, allowing Jacob to spend his days enjoying the fresh air, running up and down the beach, has undoubtedly helped wear him out so he will sleep.

Part of
Jacob’s nightly habit is talking to Melanie right before I tuck him in. At her suggestion, I ordered a few books so she can read to him on speaker phone and we follow along. I don’t know why, but he would rather do it this way than have me read to him. As with everything else in my life, I do it because it works best for Jacob.

Our conversations are still stilted at best.
I
want
to stay mad at Melanie for not doing more to save Alyssa, but I’m learning to accept the fact that she was doing what Alyssa wanted, so I can’t hang onto that anger. Part of me wonders if we would have had a better chance of maintaining our friendship had Alyssa
not
talked to us before she passed away. The two of us had, to whatever extent possible, found closure on our past after Nassau. There may have been tension between us, but both of us knew the full truth of what had happened and were more capable of putting all of our energy into Alyssa’s needs. But hearing her encourage us to be co-parents to Jacob, without coming right out and saying she was okay with us pursuing something more, has put us in an awkward predicament. I’m not sure either of us know how to act around one another at this point.

I would assume the situation we’ve found ourselves in isn’t entirely unlike divorced parents. We talk when it’s necessary and related to Jacob, but otherwise there is uncomfortable silence between us. The fact that she’s not Jacob’s mother only makes the situation that much more bizarre. She wants to keep her promise to Alyssa, which means she can’t fade into the
background as much as I know she would like to. And I’m in this strange place where I can’t trust myself to be near her. I miss my wife and it would be far too easy for me to seek comfort in the arms of a familiar woman. The one woman left who fully understands me.

Melanie deserves a man who will cherish her and lift her up, not someone who is grieving the loss of his wife and has already crushed her spirit once. Now that I know she was waiting for me six years ago,
there have been nights when I sat in this swing wondering what more I could have done to show her how much I loved her. If only I had pushed harder to see her instead of listening to that bitch, Stacey, things could have been so much different. At the very least, we wouldn’t have become strangers to one another. I didn’t have the answers then, but now, I know that the best way for me to prove what I feel for her is to keep her at a distance. until we’re both certain we’re doing whatever it is that we’re doing for the right reasons.

Only how am I supposed to keep her at a distance when she’s going to be knocking on my door tomorrow morning? I’m beginning to wonder if it was a mistake to tell her where we’re staying. She is on some sort of self-discovery road trip and
just happened
to be driving along the east coast and asked if she could see Jacob. Knowing how much he misses her, I quickly tamped down my reservations and gave her the address. I haven’t told him that she’s coming yet, just in case she has a last-minute change of heart.

My road trip hasn’t quite turned out the way I thought it would. Rather than spend a day here and a day there, I’ve decided to use this time as a way to work on a hobby I have ignored for far too long. The morning after I got to Memphis, I picked up a new SLR camera, the one I had drooled over since it first came out but always told myself wasn’t worth the investment because I would never have time to use it. Since I walked out of the store, my days have been spent documenting each city I visit and my nights editing and scouring the internet for tutorials on how to take better pictures. It’s a pipedream, but it would be awesome if I could find a way to do this for a living. Just me and Brody on the open road. No death, no suffering, no sapphire blue eyes melting my heart.

It’s the memory of those blue eyes, the smaller set that caused me to change course on my way to Boston. Almost nightly, Jacob asks me when I can come to see him. Until a few nights ago, Xavier and I quickly changed the topic to something safer. I highly doubt it’s a coincidence that Xavier gave me his top secret location the same night I told him I was planning on spending a week in a hostel in New York so I could explore the city before heading north to Massachusetts. Despite the fact that our friendship is still strained, he has made it abundantly clear to me that he thinks a single woman walking around strange cities carrying a thousand dollar camera is asking for trouble.

Originally, our plan was for me to get here
around mid-morning, so he could get Jacob fed and dressed for the day. I’m hoping he won’t be upset with me, but I couldn’t wait that long. Knowing I was less than two hours away from them last night made it nearly impossible to sleep, so I loaded Brody into the Prius just before five-thirty this morning. Now, I’m sitting in the parking lot of the condo complex at the edge of the earth, waiting for the clock on my dashboard to read seven so I can text Xavier and let him know I’m here. I hope he’s not too upset about that.

7:00 I’m here.

7:06 Still waiting. Maybe it was a bad idea to get here before the time we had agreed upon. Xavier isn’t the biggest fan or mornings or surprises, and I’m here giving him both.

7:11 Xavier: Already? I’ll meet you downstairs, give me a few minutes.

My heart starts racing as I get Brody out of the car so he can do his business. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous, but I am. Before Alyssa died, she was almost like a human shield for my heart. I didn’t have to worry about any of the old feelings, good or bad, to come to the forefront of my mind. Now, I don’t have that buffer and I’m not foolish enough to think that things aren’t different now. More than once while driving down the road, I’ve allowed my mind to drift back to that night and the weeks leading up to it. Xavier was right the night he took the pendant off my neck and walked away from me. I didn’t have enough faith in what we had to be completely honest with him.

Looking back, I can admit that was a huge transitional period in my life. I was a recent college graduate trying to find a job and attend grad school. I went from living with friends to
sharing a home with Xavier, the man I was convinced I was going to live with forever. It was during that time that I started to question everything about who I was and who I hoped to become. Not because Xavier had control over every aspect of my life, as Stacey tried to tell me on numerous occasions, but because I had finally reached the point where I had to admit that I was a fully-functioning adult and make the best decisions for myself. And that led to some not-so-great choices along the way.

“You should pay more attention to your surroundings.” I jump at the sound of Xavier’s voice directly behind me. Leaning back against the car, I turn my head to take a good look at him. He’s thinner than I remember, his eyes carry evidence of
many sleepless nights. It could be worse, I suppose, given everything he’s been through this year. “It’s good to see you.”

I take a tentative step into his outstretched arms, afraid of what I will feel when we touch. I think everyone has that one person in their lives that can affect them, even if it’s been twenty years and they separated on bad terms, and Xavier is mine. I know that, but that doesn’t mean I want to do anything about it or that I am that person for him. His arms close around my back, holding me close and I feel my body relax. There are no fireworks, no electric current racing between our bodie
s. Being near him, taking in his natural scent, feels easy and right. Comfortable. And that’s what scares me.

“What’s wrong?” Xavier asks, feeling the tension return to my muscles. I can’t tell him what I’m feeling right now. It’s not fair to either one of us.

“Nothing,” I lie, turning away to see where Brody ran off to. “It’s just good to see you. You look like crap.” After blurting out that little observation, I bury my head in my hands, cursing myself for not stopping for coffee on my way here. The filter between my brain and my mouth is obviously still a bit sluggish.

“Don’t hold back for my benefit,” Xavier laughs, pulling my hands away from my face. That peaceful feeling starts creeping back in as our hands are connected between our bodies. “It’s good to see you too, Melanie. Jacob doesn’t know you’re here, should we go wake him up?”

I press the button to open the trunk of my car so I can grab my suitcase. I offered to find somewhere else in town to stay, not wanting to blur any lines in Jacob’s mind, but Xavier assured me there’s more than enough room here. Xavier reaches for my bags before I have a chance to pull them out. Brody and I follow him through the courtyard and up two flights of stairs.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee greets me as Xavier opens the front door. If this is why it took him longer to get downstairs, he’s completely forgiven. Maybe a cup or two will clear the foggy feeling in my mind.

I set Brody on the ground, not thinking about the fact that he’s going to want to explore. See, I shouldn’t be forced to think before I have caffeine in my system. There’s no stopping the little black and white dog as he bolts down the lone hallway in the condo. Soon after he disappears into the room at the end of the hall, I hear the sweetest sound in the world.

“BRODY!” Jacob squeals. “Daddy, Daddy, how did Brody--” his eyes grow wide when he runs out of the bedroom and sees me standing at the end of the hall. “MISS MELANIE!” he screeches, racing into my arms. I lift him off the ground, holding onto him as if he’s my lifeline. I knew I missed him,
but as tears start welling in the corner of my eyes, I realize just how much this boy means to me.

“I missed you, buddy,” I whisper as I kiss the side of his head. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but he seems to have had yet another growth spurt since I last saw him. “Are you being a good boy for your daddy?”

He starts wiggling in my arms, trying to see Brody, who is trying to jump up and play with Jacob. I set him on the ground and watch him pull Brody onto his lap. Jacob giggles as Brody gives him puppy kisses. Xavier bumps into my hip, handing me that all-important first cup of the morning and we stand, side by side, watching the little boy’s face light up with joy.

“
That
is a welcome sight,” Xavier murmurs, his eyes looking the slightest bit glassy. It’s a welcome relief to know that, for once, the tears threatening all three of us aren’t out of sadness. “I need to start breakfast. Any requests?”

I can’t quite wrap my head around the concept of Xavier Ross cooking. Thinking back, I’m not sure it’s something I’ve ever seen him do, but given the absence of pizza boxes and take-out containers, he must be learning.