Finding Love at Home (The Beiler Sisters) (26 page)

“Surely I can do something,” he objected from the chair.

She pretended to glare at him. “You sit right there and talk to me about all the little details of life at the Kanagy farm. I want to learn all I can before the wedding day.”

“You’re a
wunderbah
woman!” he said.

She shushed him with a finger to her lips, pointing toward the living room.

He laughed and started talking about daily life at the Kanagy place.

Twenty-Five

T
he following Sunday night Debbie climbed into Alvin’s buggy. Alvin asked Star to speed away so quickly that Debbie had to grasp the buggy door to steady herself. Was Alvin hurrying to leave behind his troubled thoughts—whatever they were? That was something people often did in the
Englisha
world. And Alvin was clearly troubled. He hadn’t said anything since she climbed in other than “
Gut
evening.” And from the brief glimpses she’d had of him at the service today, he wasn’t very happy.

Instead of sorrowing tonight, they should both be rejoicing because Ida and Minister Kanagy had announced their upcoming marriage this morning. Ida had whispered the news of the date to her on the way to church this morning. Apparently Minister Kanagy and Ida had spoken with Bishop Beiler last Sunday, and they’d requested the formal announcement of their wedding day—as was the custom in the community. And all on the same day when pre-communion church had been held.

Debbie hugged herself for a moment. She would get to go along for her first communion in two weeks! Why wasn’t Alvin excited with her? Didn’t he care? And she hadn’t had a chance to tell him
of Ida’s request that they be witnesses for the Beiler family. Maybe that would cheer his spirits. Surely Alvin wouldn’t object to such an honor.

Debbie stole a quick glance at her date. Maybe what he needed was some cheerful chatter from a female. Alvin did, after all, live alone in that big house of his. Unless… Mildred was spending time with him. Was she maybe even fixing meals for him? Debbie sat up straight on the seat. She shoved thoughts of Mildred from her mind. She wouldn’t let anything interfere with her relationship with Alvin. She’d waited too long for him to ask her home to question him and show her doubt of him. She didn’t want him to peg her as a meddlesome, high-maintenance woman. That would not do.

Debbie took a deep breath. “Wasn’t that a wonderful time today? I was allowed to sit in on an Amish members’ meeting! Maybe I shouldn’t be making a big deal out of it, but to me it was a big deal to be at a pre-communion service. And I got to listen to Bishop Beiler go over the
Ordnung
rules—none of which I’m transgressing, if I must say so myself. I can’t tell you how blessed I feel, Alvin. And now to ride home with you as my escort. How much more blessed could I be?” She glanced up at his face. He still hadn’t said anything. Maybe he’d been caught in some small transgression and was unhappy about that. But how could that be? The Knepps were known for how strictly they kept the
Ordnung
. Verna and Ida had told her this several times.

“You wouldn’t have gotten caught in an
Ordnung
breaking?” she teased. “Is that why the sour face all day?”

He still didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry, Alvin. I was trying to tease you into a good mood.” She reached for his arm and tried again. “Then it must be because you’re taking responsibility of your
daett
’s farm, and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. Let me assure you that you’re not to blame.”

“You’re right there!” Alvin said with an edge to his voice. “I couldn’t have said that part better myself. But that’s not all the story.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Debbie said. “What story? What more is there?”

Alvin slowed down for the Beilers’ driveway. He turned and then pulled to a stop by the hitching post. “Maybe we’d better go inside to discuss this.”

Debbie climbed down. At least she felt like she could breathe again. Alvin had said “discuss.” From the way he’d acted, she’d half expected him to just drop her off and drive off into the night.

Something was seriously bothering him, Debbie acknowledged as she waited for Alvin to secure Star. Whatever the
kafuffle
was, surely it could be fixed. Whatever it was, she would love him through it. She took his arm again and led the way into the living room. Once there, Debbie sat beside him on the couch.

Alvin glanced at her. “You’re not making this any easier, Debbie.”

Debbie sighed. “Alvin, you’re talking in riddles. Why don’t you start at the beginning and explain what you mean?” Debbie smiled. After a bit she raised her eyebrows and waited even more.

He refused to look at her. “So you really don’t know?”

“Alvin!” She was exasperated. “How
could
I know unless you tell me?” Her heart nearly failed her at a sudden thought. “Is it something about Mildred? Are you in love with her?”

His voice trembled. “I don’t know. But that’s not what the trouble is.” He turned to look at her. “Has Bishop Beiler told you about the church trouble I’m in?”

“No.” Debbie could hardly believe her ears. The man wasn’t sure if he was in love with Mildred, and yet he wanted to speak of his church troubles? “What have you done?”

“Nothing really! The ministry just thinks I might have.”

“I don’t understand.”

Alvin reached for her hand, and she didn’t pull away. “I’m not trying to talk in riddles, Debbie. It’s the way we talk…” He was struggling. “Did you hear that I won’t be allowed to participate in communion?”

Debbie shook her head. “How would I hear that? Wouldn’t that be a private matter between the ministry and you?”

Alvin snorted. “Far from it, Debbie. I’m a very public matter now. Not going along with communion is a serious matter—even though I’m supposedly going to do it voluntarily. I’m to ‘humble myself,’ they said.” Alvin’s voice turned bitter. “Humble myself over why I have this apparent history of fascination with
Englisha
girls.” Alvin jumped to his feet and paced the floor.

Debbie clasped her hands but remained seated on the couch. She could hardly believe what she’d heard. “You think I’m just a fascination, Alvin?”

He whirled around. “Weren’t you? Aren’t you? You drove past my place before you even joined the community. Tempting me. And
yah
, I was tempted. By your pretty face, and your fancy ways, and your
wunderbah
charm. And look where it led me. Out into Philadelphia. I was excommunicated, Debbie. Why? That’s what I keep asking myself. Over you and the farm, but a lot of it was you. My family isn’t like that. We love the community. The old life. My
daett
and brothers would never have done something like that. And yet I did. And now the ministry wonders about me—after Crystal, an
Englisha
girl, follows me home. First you and then Crystal. They think I’m lured to
Englisha
girls. They don’t trust me!”

Debbie clutched her chest as stabs of pain ran through her. “You blame me for your leaving the community and that you dated Crystal?”

Alvin resumed his pacing. “
Nee
, I blame myself. But the point is I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to live life with questions about my character being asked of me all the time. I’m doing my repentance this communion to show everyone that I do doubt myself, and that maybe everything was my fault. But then…but then I want to move on. I’ve too much to lose. So what am I saying? I guess I don’t know. But you and me, we can’t go on, Debbie.”

She said nothing as the tears came.

“I’m sorry.” He sat down beside her and took her hand. “I know we’ve talked of big things, of making this work, and of the days when everything would be right. But it’s not all right, Debbie. I’m tired of trying, of dreaming big things. I just want to be a simple farmer, Debbie. I want to live in peace, and raise my family in the community like I was raised. And I don’t want any cloud hanging over my children’s heads, either.”

“So that’s what I’ve been to you, Alvin?” Debbie whispered. “A cloud hanging over your head? A torment in your heart?”

“
Nee! Nee!
” He squeezed her hand so hard it hurt. “You are not that at all, Debbie. You’re way up there. You’ve always been above me, out of my reach. I knew from the beginning I shouldn’t even have tried to think I could ever say my wedding vows with such a woman. But I did think that, and I’m sorry. I want to make it right before it’s too late. I want to live where I belong, Debbie. You deserve someone better than me. You really do.”

She tried to stand but didn’t make it. “And I have no say in this matter? You would throw away all that’s happened between us? You would say that it was nothing? That what I feel for you, and what you felt for me, Alvin, was
wrong
?”

He stood and paced a few minutes before he stopped to look out the living room window. He stared into the darkness outside.

When he didn’t speak, Debbie said, “It’s Mildred Schrock, isn’t it? With her you can have the life you want. The uncomplicated life of a simple Amish farmer who has no ‘fascination’ with
Englisha
girls.”

He froze. His words were clipped. “I won’t have you saying bad things about Mildred. She has been nothing but supportive of our relationship.”

Debbie flinched. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”

Alvin nodded. “This is between you and me. I’m also sorry, Debbie. This is what I hate about this. I don’t want things said we’ll both regret. But I think we’d better part ways for now—until things are clearer for me and for you.”

Debbie struggled to steady her voice. “If that’s how you would have it, then that’s how it will be.”

Pain flashed across his face. “It’s not what I want, Debbie. It’s just the way things are. You’re too good for me.” He rushed to the door and fled outside.

She didn’t follow him. She watched through the window until his buggy lights disappeared. He wouldn’t come back, Debbie told herself. Her dream was gone. With a sob, she sank into the couch and buried her head in her arms.

Twenty-Six

I
n the predawn darkness, Alvin hung the gas lantern on the barn ceiling. He stared at its bright light until his eyes hurt before he turned to kick a hay bale near him. Why had he behaved the way he did last night? Why had he cut off his relationship with Debbie so brutally? Debbie had been the best thing to ever happen to him. She was a dream that had drifted in from the forbidden world out there—from that fancy
Englisha
life. But that was the problem.
Yah
, he would always see her like that—an impossibility that didn’t belong in his world. Even though Debbie was Amish now, she would always be
Englisha
to him. She would always bring back memories of what he wished to forget—those months in Philadelphia when he tasted of the world’s forbidden fruit.

How could it ever be otherwise? Not one word he had spoken last night hadn’t been true, though they had cut him to his heart to say them. From the look on her face, Debbie must have sobbed half the night after he left. How had his world come to such a tortured end? With another kick at the bale, Alvin headed toward the back of the barn.

Mildred’s voice stopped him. “Did we have a tough night?”

He whirled around to see her standing there, a questioning look on her face.

“How long have you been here?” he asked.