Finding Love at Home (The Beiler Sisters) (27 page)

She gave him a steady look. “Long enough to see you throwing a fit about something by attacking an innocent hay bale.” A slight smile played on her face as she picked up a three-legged milking stool.

He managed a slight grin. “I guess I did look foolish.” Her wry smile made him feel better at once—and he didn’t like it. He wanted Mildred to scream at him, to tell him he was an idiot. That’s what he deserved.

Instead she was all sympathy. “Sorry you’re not… feeling well.”

“I’m feeling just fine.”

She appeared unperturbed. “Did Debbie feed you sour milk with the cookies last night?”

Alvin cringed. Why had she said such a thing? Now he found himself saying what he hated to say… but must. “Mildred, I want you to leave. I want you to quit working for my
daett
and
mamm
. I’ll talk with
Daett
later today about it. Perhaps your sister Bertha can take your place. I’m sorry, but it has to be this way.”

The stool clattered to the floor. Tears sprang to Mildred’s eyes. “What have I done, Alvin? Did I offend you? Or Debbie? Please tell me what it was, and I’ll stop.”

He stared at the ceiling. “The truth is that I have to think some things through, and I can’t do them with you around. It’s not about you, Mildred; it’s about me.”

“Is Debbie making you do this?” Mildred wiped at her eyes.

“
Nee!
” he snapped. “I broke up with her last night.”

“You
did
?” Her exclamation came in a gasp. She stepped closer. “But why
,
Alvin? I thought you liked her.”

“I did,” he muttered. “And I do. I can’t explain it right now. Even to myself.”

Shock was in her voice. “Did Debbie drop you, Alvin?”

Alvin laughed. “
Nee!
Though I wish she had.”

“Then why?” Her voice was insistent.

He paused. “Debbie… Debbie is not from my world. She never was. I longed for something that wasn’t mine to have. And look what it cost me! Because of that insane fling in Philadelphia, I’m now in trouble with the church. I have to stay back from communion. I can’t go on living like that, Mildred. Debbie deserves someone better than me.”

She grabbed his arm. “Then there is hope for me, Alvin? We can begin again? I had never dared think this before. I certainly wasn’t trying to interfere with your relationship with Debbie. But, please, listen to what you’re saying, Alvin.”

That wasn’t quite true, he thought. Mildred had made her desire plain enough. But she had conducted herself without blame these past few weeks. He met her troubled gaze. “
Nee
, Mildred. It wouldn’t work out between us.”

Her face fell. “Then you’re going to try to get back with her? Make up?”

“I don’t know!” He almost screamed it. “
Nee
, I can’t get back with her now. Or ever! I’m confused, okay? And you being here isn’t helping.”

She regarded him for a moment. “We’d better do the chores. Sometimes thinking about things only makes it worse.”

“That’s the most sense I’ve heard all morning,” he said, relief flooding through him. As always, Mildred knew what needed to be said and done. He’d already spent hours in thought about this since he came home last night to no avail.

Alvin went about his chores, and when he returned with the first round of cows, Mildred had the feed spread out. He met her pleading gaze for a moment. Her words from earlier buzzed through his sleep-deprived mind. Mildred had clearly offered a renewal of their
relationship. She had shown every indication of this the past weeks, but to hear the words spoken made the option all the clearer. This was not a dream. Mildred wouldn’t disappear on him sometime in the future. She had no place to vanish to like Debbie did. She was Amish through and through. She had no past beyond what they both knew, and she had no future that was any different from his future. Debbie’s
Englisha
past would always be a part of her. She couldn’t change that, no matter how Amish she became.

Alvin brought his thoughts about Debbie to a stop. This was not Debbie’s fault. She was making every effort to fit in with the community. This was about him. Could he see himself with a right to belong in Debbie’s life? And even if he could, would he handle himself as someone fitting for her? Not judging from his recent actions.

Alvin groaned. Mildred was right. All this thinking was getting him nowhere. He’d better forget about it and sink into a day of normal choring with people like… Alvin stopped himself again, but the thought wouldn’t leave.

Mildred glanced at him from across the back of the cows and smiled. “Stop thinking now!” she teased.

He looked at her and knew what he wanted.
Stability
. And there in front of his eyes was stability.
Yah
, there was no buzz or thrill or dream associated with Mildred, just plain old stability. Stability based on the farming life he’d grown up in. Here was a
frau
who fit into all he’d known in the community, who would be happy to live here with him, who knew how to work this life as her second nature.

Mildred offered all that to him. And she was serious. If he turned her love away now, there might never be another chance. What other girl in the community fit so well with what he was used to? Here was a
frau
who could cook, who overlooked his faults, who didn’t fight with him, who didn’t ask painful questions, and who hadn’t even brought up the fact this morning that he wouldn’t—couldn’t—go along with communion this fall.

Alvin swallowed hard and kept busy at his work. If he opened his heart to Mildred, he would have to give up Debbie. But hadn’t he already done that? Last night wouldn’t be an easy matter to repair. Debbie had overlooked so many of his failures already. He couldn’t ask her for more.

Mildred’s voice chirped beside him. “I know the real reason you want me to leave, Alvin.”

He didn’t answer for a moment, and then he gave in. “Okay, tell me.”

Her smile was bright. “So you can ask me home sometime in the future, when it’s decent of course. Now, with me here, it might not look right. You know what I mean.”

He didn’t answer so she continued. “It’s better if I go now, especially since word will soon get around about your breakup with Debbie. Then it won’t look like I had anything to do with it, which, of course, I didn’t. But you know how people go by how things look.” She paused for breath. “And, Alvin, I think that was a brave and self-sacrificing thing you did yesterday, staying back from communion, taking the blame for something that wasn’t your fault in the least.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” he muttered. “I had my share of the blame.”

She ignored his comment. “But am I right about why you want me to leave?”

He hadn’t quite thought it through yet, but that theory did make sense. It would give him the time to think things out, and Mildred would wait for him until he was ready. “Well, just so you know, I’m not doing anything soon.” He gave her a sharp glance.

She giggled. “Oh, Alvin! That’s all I need to know!” She clasped her hands for a moment. “I’ll be out of here tomorrow. And I will wait, Alvin, until you think a decent time has passed. I’m just so happy I’ll have a chance to correct that awful mistake from my youth. What a fool I was to drop you like that, thinking I was better than you were. I’m so sorry, Alvin. Can you really forgive me?”

He allowed a grin to creep over his face. “I forgave you a long time ago, Mildred. But please understand, I’m not making any promises.”

“You don’t have to,” she said, radiant with joy. “This is all I need to know for now. I’m going home and praying like I’ve never prayed before that the time will be short until you ask me home, Alvin.”

The next thought hit Alvin like a ton of bricks. It would be so very easy to end his torture right now. Wasn’t it true that Mildred represented all he expected—and all he deserved from life? Wasn’t it obvious now that
Da Hah
had brought Mildred here for the very purpose that now lay before him?
Yah
, it was surely so. Why spend more months in agony over this?
Nee
, the thought of continued uncertainty was like a knife in his heart. He would do this and do it now. He stepped out from behind the cow and approached Mildred.

“Well…” he reached for her with both hands. “Do you…want to… I mean…”

She hesitated. “Do what?”

“Do you… want to… wed me this fall?” he squeaked out the words.

“You are asking me to be your
frau
?” Her voice squeaked.

“
Yah!
” Why hadn’t he taken this step a long time ago? “Will you say the wedding vows with me, Mildred? Come live on this farm? Take care of
Mamm
for us? Work with me?”

She leaped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Of course I will, Alvin! You know I will!”

“This fall yet?”

“
Yah,
this fall. We’ll make it happen, Alvin. Whatever it takes. My parents will help, and I’m sure your
daett
won’t object. If we work fast, we can get it in for the last week of November. The Schrocks can do it, Alvin.”

He pulled her close. “Then let’s do it.”

She looked up into his face. “Kiss me, Alvin. Kiss me like you
wanted to kiss me behind the schoolhouse that long ago day and I wouldn’t let you. Show me you’ve accepted my apology.”

He didn’t move for a moment as he remembered that day. That was a time he’d blocked from his memory. The shame of it had been too great. He’d finally gathered up enough nerve to linger after school on a day Mildred had to stay late to finish an assignment. It had happened near the end of their eighth school year. In his mind she’d grown more beautiful each day while he seemed headed in the other direction—clumsy and full of stammers. But he’d finally worked up the nerve and reached for her hand when she came around the corner of the schoolhouse. Then her scorn and her rapid rush to leave had burned deeper than even he had ever acknowledged.

He dropped his gaze to her eyes now—her deep-brown eyes that contained all the memories of those long ago days.

Her mouth moved. “I love you, Alvin, with all my heart. I’ll always be yours.”

He closed his eyes and pulled her close. He allowed the years to wash away as he tasted her lips. He was young again. He dared again. He was accepted again. And above all he belonged here—in her arms.

Long moments later, he pulled back. “Well, was that showing you enough?”

She nodded and her cheeks flamed. “We’ll make this wedding happen, Alvin. If we have to wed with only the bishop there.”

He laughed. “In the meantime, these cows want out of here.”

She joined his laughter. “Then let them go, and we’ll finish the chores. After that, you’re coming over for breakfast. We have much to tell your
daett
and
mamm
.”

He nodded but didn’t trust his speech right now. This had happened so fast, but it felt so right. It would put to an end his misery. Mildred as his
frau
would keep him close to the earth, and she would
bear him children, like his
mamm
had borne for his
daett
. And they would be the people they were meant to be.

Debbie would find someone who fit her so much better than he ever would have.
Yah
, she deserved someone better. And
Da Hah
willing, she would now be free to find that someone better. Alvin sent a smile toward Mildred, who glowed almost as bright as the sun peeking above the horizon.

Twenty-Seven

D
ebbie tiptoed down the stairs in the predawn darkness. Emery’s footsteps had gone past her bedroom door moments ago, and she could hear Ida stir in her room behind her. The Beiler household had awakened on this Wednesday morning—a day Verna was due to visit and maybe even Lois would drop by.

Saloma had mentioned this last night with a wistful tone. She missed Lois more than she admitted. With only a little more than two weeks before Ida’s wedding, the Beiler family had allowed Lois to help with the food. It seemed strange that she should help given that her family hadn’t attended her own wedding, but then that was the Amish for you. Debbie rubbed her head. She too might someday struggle to accept her parents’ absence at her wedding, should they refuse to attend.