Conviction (Consolation Duet #2) (10 page)

“I don’t think you should have to,” I state while glaring back at her. She comes here pissed off, hits me again, and then breaks down. “You’re a mess, and you can’t tell me it’s me you want when he’s waiting at home for you.”

“He’s only there because you won’t come get me.” She drops to the couch.

“Do you hear yourself? You need to give yourself some damn time. I need time too,” I explain.

She doesn’t see how this alters everything. Aaron being alive makes me the other man. I’m not Aarabelle’s father; I’d be the guy that stole her mom from her dad. Besides the fact that it makes every family gathering the most awkward thing there could possibly be.

“This is impossible for all of us.” Her body almost goes limp. “He’s dealing with coming home after God knows what happened. You’re not wanting to break some code with him, and I’m torn in the middle.” She wraps her arms around her stomach and drops her head.

“Lee,” I say and tilt her head with my fingers. “If we truly love each other, not time, another man, or distance will keep us apart. Do you trust that enough?”

There’s so much at stake, and while I want to be a selfish asshole, I can’t. My loyalty has nothing to do with what I said to Aaron. Truth be told, I couldn’t give a fuck less what he wants me to do. He lost her, but on my way home, I realized she lost herself too. I don’t doubt she loves me. I don’t think she doubts it either, but we need a minute. We both have to figure out the best way to handle it, and I can’t be the one to tell her what to do. I leave for deployment in two weeks, and there’s talk about leaving a week earlier. The deployment gives us the time and space to work through it all and really see if what we have is strong.

“I know I love you. I trust that right now all I have in my heart is you.”

“I think we need to take my deployment as a break,” I utter the words and instantly wish I could take them back.

The last thing I want is a break from her, but it’s the only choice we have. I won’t put her through trying to sort things out with him while I’m deployed. I don’t want to worry about what she’s doing while I’m gone. I need to focus on my men and keeping myself safe. This type of shit is what gets guys killed.

Her face falls and I see the pain spark in her eyes. I hate hurting her. “I seriously can’t believe this.”

I take her hand in mine and savor the feel of her skin beneath my fingers. “I love you, Natalie. More than I should, but I can’t have this shit hanging between us when I go. We won’t be able to talk a lot when I’m gone, and I already knew I would go batshit crazy when I leave, but now . . .” I trail off.

Her blue eyes pierce through me, and I see how hard this is for her. “Can I write you? Can I see you before you go?”

Every part of me disintegrates with her questions.

I hope to God there’s a way we can find a way back through this, because if I lose her for good, I don’t know I’ll ever go through this shit again. There’s a part of me that always wondered if he was actually alive who she’d choose and if we can stand the test. This is the time to prove it.

“You don’t get it. I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want to do this, but I think we have to. I need to focus when I’m away, and imagining Aaron moving in on you will get me killed. Do you understand?”

“Please don’t say stuff like that. He’s not moving in on me and nothing will happen to you.”

I bring her against me and close my eyes. If only it were so simple. If I were Aaron, I would fight to the death. Which is exactly what he’ll do. Brittany isn’t who he wants to be with. It’s Lee, who happens to be who I want as well. I won’t ruin myself in the process though. If she wants to be with him, I won’t stand in her way, because he had her first. Even if it kills me.

“Nothing is guaranteed, sweetheart. Know that each moment I’m away from you, you’ll be in my mind. There won’t be a moment that you won’t be what I’m thinking of.”

We recline back in the couch then she wraps her arm around my torso. “I don’t want you to go.”

I sigh, “I know, but maybe this is what we need.”

“No, it’s not what we need, but it’s what we have. I’m going to ache for you every day you’re gone. I’m going to wish you were here so I could snuggle into your side and remind you why you should love me.”

I pull her closer and rub the side of her arm. “Loving you was never the issue. It’s keeping you when you’re not mine to have.”

She looks at me as a tear falls. “I think I was always yours to have. I’m just hoping you’ll see that soon.”

“Lee?” Reanell calls out from the back deck. It’s Aarabelle’s birthday party and she came early to help set up.

“In the kitchen!” I call out and wipe my forehead. The house is a mess. There’s flour all over the floor, eggs on the floor thanks to my clumsy hands, and Aarabelle laughs at me from her highchair.

She opens the swinging door and stops. “Wow . . . I mean . . . wow.”

“Yeah, can you help me?”

“Where’s your devoted husband? Visiting his girlfriend?” she asks with hostility.

“Reanell!”

“Too soon? Yeah, probably too soon. Sorry.” She bends down and starts to clean up the eggs. “So, where is he?”

“Mark picked him up and took him out for a few hours since the tension was enough to suck the air from the house.” I point over to the newspaper that featured his rescue. “Read the last paragraph.”

Considering I used to work for the local press, you’d think they would’ve given me a heads up. Nope. They did a huge piece on him and how he’s a hero. But the worst was how Aaron told them how determined he was to make his family whole again. How he loves his wife and child more than his own life and we’re what kept him alive.

“He really laid it on thick.” Reanell puts the paper on the table. “Mason seriously feels bad, but he couldn’t say anything—not even to me.”

I put the mixer down and huff. “I know. I’m not mad anymore. It could’ve risked Liam and the other guys’ lives.”

Still sucks, but I get it.

“What time will your mom be here?” Rea asks, tiptoeing around the mess. “Did you get anything in the damn bowl?”

“Shut up. I’m not a great baker, but I wanted to make her a cake.”

Reanell laughs, “Maybe I should head to the store and get her an edible one. Jesus, you’re like Betty Crapper—this doesn’t even look like cake mix.”

I drop the mixer and start to laugh hysterically. Tears drop from my fit, and I slide against the counter to the floor. “Oh, God, Betty Crapper . . .” I continue giggling, unable to stop. I laugh on the flour-covered floor as Reanell stares at me as if I’m losing my mind. Hell, I am. “I can’t . . .” The laughter rages on.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Her voice is full of concern.

“I mean . . . it’s funny,” I say, trying to calm myself.

“I’m not sure I follow. You’re scaring me, Lee.” Reanell hunches down and puts her hands on my knees. “I’m really worried about you. The last few days you haven’t been yourself.”

Her fear is valid. Since I left Liam’s house and he basically told me we need to take a break, I’ve been a mess. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I had him. Aaron hasn’t said a word about our last fight. He’s here trying to help and be a part of our lives.

We’ve met with doctors, psychologists, and he met with some liaison from the government. But I’m robotic. I drive him there and listen to everyone tell me how blessed I am to have him home. They tell me it’s a miracle and how happy they are for us, but I feel no joy. I’ve placed myself back in my bubble of void. It’s easier than feeling, and I’m emotionally drained. The only thing that gives me any light is Aarabelle. I try to keep her around me at all times.

“I’m broken.”

I haven’t told her about what Liam said, but I’m sure she notices.

She grabs my face. “Oh, honey. You’re not broken. No one is. You have Aara, me, Mason, and so many other people who love you. This isn’t easy. This is real life and it fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” I reply dejectedly.

“Seriously, this isn’t some movie where it’ll all work out in the end. This is ugly and raw. No one has the answers, babe. The thing is . . . there’s not really a choice. I feel like six months ago you made your choice. You let Aaron go when you allowed yourself to love again.”

She’s right. That’s the issue. I can’t go back not just because of the affair and the lies between us. But because I let go of that love. I forgave him. I found a place where I learned how to truly love and not have to see what I wanted. Will my love for Liam always be that want? No. We’ll struggle and we’ll fight but there’s no one else I want by my side. He thinks he’s giving me time to make the right choice. But he’s a fool.

Reanell places her hand on mine. “I know something happened with Liam, but you won’t let me in again.”

“He doesn’t want me,” I mutter. “He said he wants to take the deployment as a break. I need to focus on here, and he has to worry about the mission.”

“First of all,” Reanell’s voice morphs into her serious tone, “He does want you. You’re an idiot if you believe that he doesn’t, and since I’m not friends with idiots, I’m going to say you don’t. He wants you so much, but can’t you see how hard this is for him?”

“Of course I do!” I push up off the floor. “I see it all, and I’m the one who has to deal with all of it! I have to deal with Aaron, Liam, Aarabelle, and last of all, how I’m coping.” I throw my hands in the air and wipe my face.
I will not cry. I will not cry.

She doesn’t get it. No one does. This whole damn situation is ridiculous. Aaron and I agreed he could stay here until Aarabelle’s birthday party. Then he’s going to stay at Jackson’s until we can make a decision. It was his idea to go there since the psychologist recommended we get a little space. His night terrors wake us with his screaming, he zones out in the middle of a conversation . . . he’s definitely getting better, but it’s a long road for him. But the worst is that Aarabelle hasn’t been the same, and he wants to allow us both some sense of normalcy.

“Is Liam coming today?”

“I don’t know. I can’t imagine he would, but he loves Aara, so who knows?”

“He loves you too.”

I scoff, “I don’t know at this point. He hasn’t called or shown any sign this is affecting him.”

“Sit,” she commands and points at the chair. “Natalie Gilcher, you are so much fucking stronger than you know. Liam is not the only man alive. If he gives you up so quickly, then fuck him. But I think there’s more there. I think he’s in pain and guys are idiots. They do dumb shit because they don’t know how to handle these situations.” She smoothes her hair. “Think about it. If he calls you, then he’s breaking his own rules. He’s giving in, and then he has to break you and him all over again. So . . .” I see the gleam in her eyes as a plan forms in her mind, “You make him break them.” Her smirk forms, and she raises one brow.

“How the hell do I do that?”

“You go upstairs and make yourself irresistible. He seems to have a weakness for red, doesn’t he? After all, you’re the host . . . shouldn’t you look presentable?”

I sit there with my jaw slack at her plan. But she’s right. If he comes in and sees me a crazy mess, it won’t help my cause. So I muster the strength I have left and stand. “Watch her please . . . I have some freshening up to do.”