After The Snap (9 page)

Anger spiked. “But you told me you were over, that she was your ex. Why the fuck didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“Seth…it’s just—”

“No, it’s not just. I’m not just something you can play at. You told me we were going to have a future. You didn’t mean any of it, did you?”

There was silence for a moment before Channing spoke. “Babe, you know, we just don’t see each other that often, and this thing with Samantha it’s not real. I mean, in a few years you’ll be out and I can really get a divorce.”

Pain lanced Seth’s heart and he thought he was going to throw up. He and Channing were over, done, and he’d been an idiot for thinking what he had with Channing had been special.

“Is this why you encouraged me to leave early?” Seth had to know but didn’t really want to. Knowing meant he had to face reality and reality from Channing might just kill him.

Silence was the answer he got. It didn’t take much for him to put the pieces together. He’d been an idiot. There’d been so many times Channing could have called but didn’t. And how could he have believed that a man like Channing really was divorced? Why didn’t he really look into it?

“Don’t be that way. Seth, really, this anger doesn’t suit you. You’re a great guy, but you know I have to keep up the image of a college coach. If you can change your tone, then maybe we can still be together. You know I’ve given so much to this relationship.”

The words Channing said were even more painful than the lack of contact. “Relationship? What the fuck? Didn’t I mean anything to you?”

“Of course you did—do. You mean forever.”

He felt like he was going crazy. Channing could always sway him, always make him see it
Channing’s way
, but he didn’t want to see Channing’s side of this story. He was hurt, and angry, and he’d been giving Channing passes since that first day when Channing had pressed him up against the cold metal lockers and slid into him, changing his world. This time he wouldn’t give in, he wouldn’t cave. It hurt, but he couldn’t just sit back and allow Channing to keep treating him this way. He wanted something real, and the thing with Channing had never been real.

“Then why don’t you ever call me?” Seth asked.

“I call. We talk,” Channing said.

“No, you don’t call, and no we don’t talk. Otherwise I would have known that you were still married to Samantha.” Seth felt empty, like he’d lost his best friend. His head spun and he was going to be sick. He was the other man, the person who had cheated.

“Babe, don’t be like this.” Channing’s voice was harsh and unforgiving, and that more than the words Channing had spoken told Seth all he needed to know. This had always been a one-sided relationship and he’d allowed Channing to keep it one sided. In the weeks since moving to San Diego and being on his own, he’d had time to think, and he didn’t like what he’d been thinking. Little pieces of the puzzle were broken, showing him that what he and Channing had wasn’t real. This was the end.

“Fuck, I need more than a married man. I can’t be with you, not like this.”

“Seth, don’t do this.” For the first time since they’d started this phone conversation Channing sounded desperate.

Seth was shaking his head as he tried to stay firm. “I can’t do the ups and downs. I need to concentrate on football. I’m sorry, Channing. I’ll talk to you later. When you figure out what you want, call me.”

Seth hung up, his heart shattered. He’d never find all of the pieces and at the moment, he was too numb to care. He showered, then slid into bed, setting his alarm so he would wake about two hours before his evening practice and have enough time to digest the meal he would consume before hitting the field. He was done with relationships, done with Channing, done with men. It fucking hurt that nothing had been real, but allowing Channing to run over him hurt more.

Chapter Five

Colby reread the email Neil sent for a third time and shook his head. Could he trust Neil ever again? The man wasn’t evil, he’d just been misguided—at least that was Neil’s excuse, and he promised it wouldn’t happen again. Unsure if he was making the right move, ten days after the split, Colby unblocked Neil’s number. He stared at his phone, almost afraid it would ring. Nothing happened. After five minutes, Colby pocketed the phone, rolling his eyes at his overreaction. He’d almost forgotten that he’d unblocked Neil when his phone rang at four that afternoon. He plucked it out of his pocket as he made his way to the elevator after a meeting.

“Colby Larsen here. How can I help you?”

“Hey, it’s Neil.”

Colby’s feet stopped moving and someone behind him didn’t stop, stumbling over him. Colby didn’t budge as the guy staggered around him, grumbling all the way to the elevator. His mouth dried and his head swam. When the elevator dinged he realized he was standing with his mouth open in the middle of his client’s cube space, fifty some odd people staring at him as his heart shattered once again.

Why had he unblocked Neil’s number? A quick glance showed a handful of people still watching him, and the guy who’d been walking behind him was now glaring at him from inside the elevator car. The doors to the elevator slid closed and he knew he had to move.

“Give me a few, I’ll call you back.” Colby hung up and pocketed his phone. He headed to the elevator, pressing the button to head down. He didn’t have to wait long as the second elevator stopped a few seconds after he hit the button. Anger, pain, and confusion swam through him. On the ride down he didn’t get any new insight, no great intelligence about what he should do. Once in his car, he stared at his phone, wondering if he should actually call Neil back.

A text came through. Just one word.
Please
. Colby sighed and relented.

“Colby, I’m sorry. Can we talk?” Neil said the second the phone was answered.

“Talk,” he spit out, not sure exactly how he wanted to come off, but angry felt fine.

“No, face to face. Please, I just want to talk to you over dinner. You have to eat, right?”

Colby rolled his eyes, hating himself a little as he said yes.

“Just send me the address of the place and the time. I’m in town until Sunday.” He hung up, regretting his decision to meet with Neil before the screen on his phone even turned black.

Leading up to the date with Neil, he’d convinced himself that talking wasn’t bad. They had spent three years together, and one of those years they’d lived in the same apartment, sleeping in the same bed. He’d been in love, or what he had thought was love, and Neil had been nice through most of their relationship. His imagination had probably just been working overtime. Maybe Neil hadn’t cheated that much, and it had only been Deshaun.

Colby warred with himself, going back and forth about the date with Neil. He was so upset he almost didn’t leave his apartment. Guilt filled him, and he had to give Neil a chance. He owed himself that much even if he didn’t want to be alone with Neil because if they were alone, he knew he would get the urge to hop into bed. They had history, and he freaking missed having sex. Really, that more than anything was driving him back to Neil. He wanted the intimacy they’d shared. Sure, he could go hook up with some other guy, but he didn’t want to weed through the pack just to find a good guy to sleep with. With another, he’d only be fucking, not living with them, so he should be able to find someone to spend a few hours with, but it wasn’t just the sex. He wanted the cuddling and kissing too.

The argument went on in his mind until he finally threw his hands up and got in his car. One dinner with Neil wasn’t going to kill him. When he pulled into the parking lot of the cozy Italian place Neil had chosen, he realized what a huge mistake he was making. They needed to have this discussion in a sports bar or some other place that wasn’t romantic.

No matter how much he still cared for Neil, he really didn’t want a cheater in his life. Being gay and out was hard enough without adding cheating to the mix. In the days following their split, he’d gone back and forth about what he’d known. No matter how many passes he gave, Neil hadn’t actually been faithful when he said he would. Maybe Deshaun was the only guy Neil had been with, but Colby had huge doubts about that. After what seemed like an eternity, Colby got out of the car and headed into the restaurant, each step further cementing his decision to say goodbye to Neil and walk away.

On the walk to the table where Neil already sat, Colby realized this was the place where they’d had their first or second date. At the time, Colby had been entranced by the place, romanced by Neil, and had fallen head over heels for the sweet guy who promised to treat him like a prince. It pissed him off a little that Neil was trying so hard to win him back when all he ever had to do was just not fuck other guys. Sadly, he realized that his mind really was already made up. He should have stayed home and eaten a burger, or chicken picked up from Popeye’s around the corner from his apartment. This restaurant with its romantic lighting didn’t do anything for him because he’d already been down this path, experienced the pain, and any pleasure he took from Neil wasn’t worth worrying if his boyfriend was fucking their neighbor, some guy at work, or just a random stranger he’d picked up at a bar. In the few seconds he had to study Neil’s profile on his walk to the table, Colby decided that Neil looked like a rat. Maybe it was the lighting, or really just the truth finally evident, but he couldn’t think of Neil any other way now. What had he ever seen in this guy? Perhaps it had been his own age, or that Neil had money, whatever the cause, he’d made a bad choice when he’d fallen for Neil.

“Hey, Colby,” Neil said as he stood and kissed Colby’s cheek. It took all of his control not to smack Neil on his face for fucking Deshaun. Somehow he maintained his cool and sat, knowing he’d never look at Neil the same again.

“I’ve missed you.” Neil leaned forward, brushing his fingers over Colby’s arm.

Colby lifted a brow and checked his phone for the date. “It’s only been two weeks.”

“But I’ve missed having you in my bed.”

Anger filled Colby at the mention of his bed. “I thought Deshaun liked your bed now.”

Neil drew in a sharp breath and shook his head. “I thought you wanted to give us a chance. You know, I didn’t have to come on this date with you.”

Colby reached for the water goblet that had just been filled by the waitress. He took a sip, amused by Neil’s words. “This is classic you, Neil,” Colby said after swallowing the water.

“What does that mean?” Neil asked.

He’d spent so long trying to please Neil, he’d fallen into accepting blame for things that weren’t his fault. Now, he didn’t give a shit what Neil thought and it was freeing.

“You trying to blame me for things you did. You do realize I didn’t make you sleep with Deshaun or make you fuck any of the other men you had sex with while we were together. If you hadn’t demanded we be exclusive from the start—hell, I think this was the restaurant where we first decided to be exclusive, wasn’t it?”

Neil’s cheeks flamed red. He may have been angry, but Colby didn’t care. The waitress came by and Neil tried to wave her off, but Colby called her over. “I’d like a pasta and fish dish.”

“We have a very nice linguini with shrimp and pine nuts. It’s the chef’s favorite,” she smiled as she pulled out her pad of paper.

“I’ll have that,” Colby said.

Neil’s nostrils flared and he stared at the waitress before looking back to the menu. “I’ll have spaghetti with meatballs.”

Colby smirked and drank more of his water. He looked up, seeing anger plainly on Neil’s face. Why had he ever dated this man? Sure they had things in common, but why? Maybe it was because Neil didn’t mind Colby’s lack of interest in sports, or maybe it was because Neil actually liked some of his personality quirks other people hated. He could try to figure it out, spending days hypothesizing on the reason, but it didn’t really matter, he’d made a mistake and it was time to move on.

“Why are you laughing at me?” Neil asked.

“You hate spaghetti.”

“You threw me. We shouldn’t have ordered yet. We have things to discuss.”

Colby took another sip of his water, more self realizations hitting him. He should have more respect for himself. “No, Neil, we don’t. I’m not going to fall for your lines again. When we were together, I didn’t know that you were cheating. If I had known from the beginning that you planned on being with other guys, then I guess things would be different. But you hid the truth from me and that means you lied throughout our relationship.”

Neil touched his arm, his fingers pressing firmly. “Can’t we just go back to that? I mean, who did it hurt?”

Colby cleared his throat and sat up straighter, taking his arm away from Neil’s reach. Neil frowned and Colby cringed at the fact that he’d ever bought the shit Neil was tossing around. When they’d first started dating, Neil had done shit like that, shown his displeasure, and Colby would bend over backwards to make Neil happy. But no more. He had to stand up for himself because no one else would.

“Neil, it hurt me. That you lied to me and fucked around with other people, that was wrong. I can’t do that again. I’m never doing that again.”

Neil’s mouth turned down in a pout, his brows bunched together. “So you’re going to be an asshole and we aren’t going to get back together?”

Colby shook his head, his heart expanding with what could only be described as happiness. “No, Neil. I’ll never be with you again.”

“What about later, you know, in a few months when you’ve had time to cool down?”

Colby thought now was as good a time as any to tell Neil about his work. It wasn’t in stone, but his boss had mentioned the possibility. Maybe this would be the news that would really cement their break and keep him from falling back into the destructive pattern he’d had with Neil.

“I won’t be around in a few months. So no, we won’t be hooking up again. My company wants me to move to California. I’ll be leaving Atlanta so it won’t matter what I feel, or what you feel. We’re over, Neil.”

Neil tossed his napkin on the table, anger burning in his eyes. “You’re moving and leaving me? I don’t think I can stay here through the meal. I can’t believe you’re putting your job over us.”

Colby took a sip of his water and narrowed his gaze. Had Neil always been like this, and had he really been stupid enough to put up with this crap? Never again. He would never fall in love like this again. Never. It didn’t matter who the guy was, how awesome they could be together, he wasn’t going to ever let his heart get the best of him. No more relationships, just hookups, that was all he would do from now on.

He smiled at Neil, not caring that he would probably have to foot the bill for Neil’s food. Over time he’d seen how petty Neil could be. He shrugged and smiled. “Go, I won’t miss you.” Colby’s heart twisted a little as he said the words. He wouldn’t miss Neil, it was more like he’d miss having someone to come home to and cuddle with on Friday nights, someone to sleep in with on Sundays, and someone to share special celebrations with. Like now that he was getting a promotion and moving to a better position.

Neil huffed, then thinned his lips. “You’re such a bastard.”

Colby laughed and took another drink of his water, forcing his hands not to shake. The outside calm he was trying to show wasn’t at all how he felt inside. His guts were churning and if Neil left, he’d probably ask the waitress to box up both meals because he doubted he could stay here to eat—he really wasn’t that strong.

Colby lowered his voice, making sure not to yell or let any emotion show through. “You’re the one who was sleeping with other men, not me. Don’t blame this on me. That’s all on you.”

Neil stood and sneered at Colby before walking away. Sadly, Neil headed toward the bathroom and had to turn around and walk past Colby again, his gaze averted as he passed by. Colby wanted to laugh, but he hurt too much.

“Oh, did you want your meals to go?” the waitress asked as she rushed over to the table watching Neil stalk out.

“That would be best. Thank you.” Colby hated that he and Neil were over, but he hated more that Neil had cheated on him. No matter how lonely he felt, or how desperate he got, he couldn’t go back to what they had.

Colby waited for the check and his food, all the while trying to keep the depression at bay. He had to keep telling himself he really was better off being alone than with Neil. Just thinking about the number of times he and Neil had had sex without a condom scared the shit out of him. He’d gone to a clinic at the beginning of the week but hadn’t heard back. Of course they said they’d only call if there was an issue, but he was freaking out and should have called to ease his mind.

The waitress delivered his food and brought back his card. He thanked her and left the restaurant. Instead of starting his car, he sat in the parking lot, staring out the front window, wondering how it had come to this. The scent of the food filled the car, and his stomach grumbled. He needed to eat and sitting here wasn’t helping anything. He turned his ignition over, heading to his small apartment.

“Hi, honey, I’m home,” he called out to no one when he opened the door. The place was a dump, and he really hoped the California thing came through because he didn’t want to be reminded again and again what he’d given up by leaving Neil. He hadn’t accepted any expensive gifts from Neil, nothing like a car or anything, but Neil usually bought dinners out, he picked up cool art on the weekend, the place they’d been living was top end, and now he was here, in the underbelly of Atlanta, living in a trashy apartment.