You're Teaching My Child What? (9 page)

Bill
, she could have said,
if you don't want to use the word “abstinence,” that's fine. The point, as you say, is not to use a particular term, but to give teens a clear, no-nonsense message.

But the message your organization and other “comprehensive” programs teach teens is that “young people explore their sexuality as a natural process.”
⁴
A vast majority of their peers do exactly that, they inform students, while only a small number choose to wait.... Becoming sexually active is a decision teens must make for themselves, after examining their “readiness.” Adults must provide information, but it's kids who ultimately “decide when the time is right.”

So which is it, the NPR hostess might have asked Bill Smith.
“Absolutely” better for kids to wait, as you say on the air, or each teen
decides when is “the right time,” as you write in your curriculum? Red light or green light? You can't have both.

Ms. Adler might have then discovered that SIECUS's messages differ depending on their audience. Their official position statement on adolescent sexual health says, “Adolescents should be encouraged to delay sexual behaviors until they are physically, cognitively, and emotionally ready for mature sexual relationships and their consequences,” which to parents sounds like adulthood. But that's not what SIECUS thinks. Kids who log on to the SIECUS website are directed to the pamphlet
All About Sex,
and to sites like scarleteen and
gURL.com
, which inform kids about their sexual rights, and tell them only
they
know when they are ready. On many of these sites, 6th graders learn how natural it is to explore, and find checklists to assess their readiness; they also are guided to resources for obtaining contraception and abortions without parental consent.

With a bit of investigation, NPR could have exposed the duplicity of the sex ed industry: in media interviews, a red light; in classrooms and websites for teens, a green one. NPR could also have learned that's nothing new—SIECUS has been giving a green light to teen sexual activity for years.

In 1995, SIECUS released a report containing the consensus of national sexual health organizations.
⁵
Policymakers and professionals were urged to adopt “a new approach to adolescent sexual health.” The report contended that “too much public policy debate has focused on helping adolescents
abstain
from sexual behavior, especially intercourse, rather than
the complex dimensions of adolescent sexual development
.”

These “complex dimensions” were not really so complex. The report urged recognition of “developmentally appropriate sexual behavior.” It argued that “most young people engage in sexual relationships without negative physical, social, or emotional consequences, and that most teenagers who have intercourse do so responsibly.”
⁶

This is the entrenched dogma of sexuality education to this day. To claim otherwise, as Bill Smith did on NPR, is dishonest. NPR may be willing to let the sex ed industry get away with pretending they agree with parents who want their teenagers to delay sex, but if you're not, you can easily find out what they really believe.

From the SIECUS report cited above:

Planned Parenthood adds:

Here's what the SIECUS and Advocates for Youth- endorsed website
positive.org
tells teens:
⁸
(Parents, there are activities recommended here that you don't even want to
know
about, let alone have your teenagers experimenting with.)

For a description of “readiness skills,” log on to any of the Q&A websites SIECUS recommends for teens, and search for “ready.”

Planned Parenthood's Teen Talk
⁹
promises teens the facts about sex so they can “use this information to make [their] own responsible choices.” In the article “Am I Ready?” “expert” Elisa Klein—no information is available about her training or credentials—guides teens through the decision of whether to have intercourse “or any other kind of sex play.”
¹⁰

The decision, Klein advises, “Requires a lot of thought from you and your partner.” Teens must: explore their values (“Do you think that sexual activity needs to be part of an intimate relationship?”); examine their relationship (“It's important for you and your partner to be on the same page”); and be prepared (“talk about protection
before
. . . don't wait until the heat of the moment”). Ms. Klein reminds kids that “many teens have decided to hold off on having [intercourse and] other kinds of sex play,” and concludes: “Am I ready... is a question that only you can answer, so take your time and talk things through with your partner if you're thinking of taking this big step.”

“A question only you can answer”—again, this is the overriding message given to your child. Adults—not necessarily parents—provide information, teens determine their “ready-or-not” status.
¹¹
Educators describe a range of intimate behaviors,
¹²
teens decide where to draw the line.

Should parents be uncertain about their role, the “experts” provide guidance: how, when, and what to say to their teen. “Share your values,” they say, “and admit your embarrassment, and perhaps, at times, your lack of knowledge. Most important is to face the reality that your daughter will likely have sex earlier than you'd like. Remain calm, listen to her point of view, refrain from judgment, and for heaven's sake: don't use scare tactics!”

Planned Parenthood has a feature on their website
¹³
called
Ask Dr. Cullins
. It's an opportunity for readers to get an expert answer to their sexual health questions. Vanessa Cullins, MD
,
is a board-certified obstetrician/gynecologist and vice president for medical affairs at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

One question for the doctor comes from a worried mom.
¹⁴
At what age, she asks, should she take her daughter to her gynecologist? They've talked about menstruation and sex, but is it appropriate, she wonders, to start her on birth control when she gets her period? This mom gave birth at sixteen and is “scared to death of her going through the same thing!” Her daughter is twelve.

After providing the guidelines for initial gynecologic exams—within three years of having vaginal intercourse, or at age twenty-one, whichever happens first—Dr. Cullins explains that a young woman may want to consider taking hormonal birth control prior to becoming sexually active, because of health benefits such as lighter periods and reduced acne. She'll have those benefits, and also be protected against pregnancy when that becomes a possibility.

Dr. Cullins then warns against mother and daughter sharing the same gynecologist. With sexual matters, she says, young women are often more comfortable with their own health care providers. Ask your daughter if, “now that she is older,” she wants her own nurse or doctor to take care of her. “Respect whatever decision she makes, and help her to find a caring provider.... Regardless of the provider they choose, young people should be encouraged to have their visits in private—by themselves. They should also be given every assurance that their confidences will be respected.”

Now let me see if I have this right. Here's a twelve-year-old whose mother is already thinking about birth control for her—that's how worried she is about a teen pregnancy. Yes, the doctor says, birth control is something your daughter may want to consider. But arrange for her own provider, mom, and during her appointment, you stay in the waiting room. Young women get to make their own decisions about sexuality, and their privacy must be respected.

If anyone needed proof of the war that is being waged over sex ed, this is it. In my opinion, the advice of Dr. Cullins—a physician at the
most eminent reproductive health organization in the world—is unsuitable and worrisome.

Dr. Cullins, I don't doubt your good intentions, but could we review your advice and discuss it, one doctor to another?

I'm puzzled, first, by your choice of words. You keep referring to “young women.” The girl in question is not even a teen, let alone a woman. What's the rush?

Stedman's medical dictionary defines adolescence as beginning with puberty (for a girl, that's marked by the onset of menstruation) and ending with completed growth and physical maturity.
¹⁵
For the NIH, anyone under twenty-one is a child.
¹⁶
For the World Health Organization, adolescence ends at nineteen.
¹⁷
While an older adolescent—seventeen, eighteen, or nineteen—may commonly (but technically incorrectly) be called a “young woman,” the individual you're discussing is nowhere near that. She's a
girl
, for heaven's sake; she has yet to enter puberty!

As a gynecologist, you're aware that delaying sexual activity is associated with far-ranging benefits: decreased rates of infection with sexually transmitted diseases, higher academic achievement,
¹⁸
decreased rates of out-of-wedlock pregnancy and birth, decreased single parenthood, increased marital stability, decreased maternal and child poverty, decreased abortion, and decreased depression.
¹⁹
Yet you don't mention those, and you seem to assume this girl is going to have intercourse sooner or later, regardless of age or maturity. I wonder, do you believe it's healthier for her to abstain, at least until after high school? If yes, why don't you explain those benefits to her mom, and then arm her with strategies that can make a difference?

Naturally, given her experience, this mom's concerns are understandable. She's terrified that her daughter could have a child when she did, and wonders if birth control is the answer. What's astonishing is that you tell her, yes, it is.

How can you do that? Why the automatic reach for a prescription pad? It's a misguided, hazardous strategy. Even if your advice is
heeded and this girl is placed on hormonal contraceptives, she is at significant risk of pregnancy and STI's.
²⁰
Why assume she is incapable of being taught to make smart choices? And what of the adults in her life—at home and in the neighborhood, at school, and possibly church—are they completely powerless? Are they utterly inept? Why would you think so? The mere fact that her mom had the wherewithal to seek your advice speaks against that.

At age twelve, what this girl needs isn't pills, Dr. Cullins, it's parenting. There is so much mom can do to keep her on track, and it's critical for her to hear that from you, a medical authority. Sure, I know how much harder it is—to say nothing of time-consuming—to discuss parenting than write a prescription. But Planned Parenthood promises to educate parents about how to protect the health of loved ones,
²¹
and it claims to have a comprehensive and commonsense approach.
²²
I'd say in this instance, you failed to provide that service.

Most of us would agree that parents can have some effect on their teen's behavior, but recent studies overwhelmingly confirm that the impact of parents is profound.
²³
They demonstrate that good parenting has a “significant, enduring, and protective influence” on adolescent development. The mom who turned to you needs to know what family factors and parenting style can deter risky behavior, moderate the influence of peers, and optimize her daughter's potential.