You're Teaching My Child What? (26 page)

The sooner you grasp this, the better: there's nothing radical about gender bending at our colleges and universities. To the contrary, Kate Bornstein's speaking calendar is packed with college events: Brown, Emory, SUNY, Yale, Northeastern, University of Minnesota,
⁸⁷
and University of South Florida. Her signature lecture is called “On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us.”

What's Kate's message to young people? In addition to the need for new pronouns, they learn that the gender system has a “deathgrip” on them, and that identifying as a boy or girl “is neither natural nor essential.”
⁸⁸

Do you see how enticing this argument is to “abnormal” and other troubled souls? I can't think of a better way to recruit kids. Who wants to live in a shell, unable to grow, stretch, and explore? Sounds like living with parents, doesn't it? Unlike Mom and Dad, Kate understands being suffocated by stupid rules and restrictions.

Stupid rules
—like having to do homework or mow the grass.
Stupid restrictions
—like imposing the gender binary.

You see, it's the world's fault. Kate is a victim. The crime? All cultures, legal systems, and major world religions assume people are either male or female, making her an outsider. “This has made her life, “sad and frightening,” and made her feel “alone,” as one of her friends put it.
⁹¹
It's certainly not too much to demand they all change, right now, to accommodate her.

This is upside-down. These two individuals, “Abnormal” and Kate, are unsure who they are. Abnormal, thirteen years old, concludes: something's wrong with me, I need help. That's healthy. Kate, sixty years old, concludes, everyone is to blame
except
me; she embarks on creating a world to suit her needs, a world that denies biological truths. That's a departure from reality. And the authorities, the eminent organizations with government funding, send the girl to Kate, saying, she's the one to help you through this.

Don't say I didn't warn you: Genderland is bewildering.

I want to be clear: my grievance is not with Kate Bornstein. She is free to be a “gender outlaw,” as she calls herself, and spread her way-out beliefs—although I believe she'd be more effective if she cleaned up her language. My outrage is directed at the sex ed oligarchy for directing naïve, vulnerable kids to her preposterous, debased philosophy.

Kate is right: it is a wacky world. It's wacky for adolescents, who need stability, order, and limits, to be led into anarchy. It's wacky for kids striving to determine their identity to be schooled in an anti-identity philosophy. Adolescents yearn to consolidate their identity; Kate seeks to unravel it. They wish to stabilize their sense of self; “she” hopes to undermine it. Their goal is to solve the mystery of “Who am I?” and progress to adulthood; “she,” well into middle age, is still wondering:

There's another issue to consider, that of intellectual honesty. If there's one overarching rule of Genderland, it's this: don't let anyone tell you who you are. Especially not your parents. It's your right, kids are told, to make that decision. Celebrate who you are, whether the world likes it or not.

Sounds great, until you look closer. There's one group without that right. They know who they are—they're
certain
—but it doesn't matter.

Take, for example, the hypothetical case of Roberta. She feels trapped in the wrong body. Her sex and gender are not aligned. She wants bilateral mastectomies, testosterone shots, and other irreversible procedures for relief of her distress. Educators have compassion for Roberta's plight. Chromosomes don't matter, they say, it's Roberta's
sense of herself
that counts. She is to be called Robert, and her right to self-determination is respected. Even if she's only thirteen.

Now remember Hector, from the Circle of Men? He's attracted to members of the same sex, but it doesn't feel right. It's not who he really is. He chooses to struggle against the attraction, and work toward what feels genuine.

But Hector is told he's in denial.
You're just refusing to accept who you really are
, he is told.
You must recognize your true identity, and stop trying to change the unchangeable. Trust us, we know.
This is the proper response, say educators, even if Hector is forty years old.

Is this a bad dream? Will we wake up, like Alice did from her afternoon nap, and realize Genderland was just a curious, made-up adventure?

I'm afraid not. It's more likely we'll wake up and see Barbara Walters fawning over Thomas Beatie, the “man” having a second child. Or maybe not. Maybe we got used to seeing “him” the first time around. Is it still a big deal?

I think it is. Because Thomas's image—the goatee, the flat chest, and pregnant belly, looks us in the eye and declares: Hi there. You thought I was an impossibility, didn't you? Well, say good-bye to what you held as true. My existence creates a new reality.

Why do the sex education gurus choose to teach that “reality,” based on John Money, over the hard science of sex differences: newborns who prefer looking at a face instead of a mobile; monkeys who play with trucks and red pots?

They cling to Money for the same reason they cling to Kinsey: they like his thinking—that society places undue restrictions on our freedom of sexual expression. This has come to mean the freedom to be
male, female, or—as Kate would say—something else entirely. If that's the case, well, then anything goes. And that's a recipe for physical and emotional disaster for our kids.

At least one leading expert recognizes this, and has the courage to say so. Dr. Paul McHugh took over as chief psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins in 1975, remaining in that position for over twenty years. After initiating a study of men who had undergone sex reassignment, Dr. McHugh shut down Money's clinic, concluding that “sexual identity is mostly built into our constitution by the genes we inherit and the embryogenesis we undergo.” Dr. McHugh writes: “We psychiatrists . . . would do better to concentrate on trying to fix their minds and not their genitalia.”
⁹²

Science has confirmed that judgment. But so blindly devoted are these sex educators to radical beliefs, so zealous are they about “sexual freedom,” that instead of heeding authorities such as McHugh, they embrace the ideals of people like “gender outlaw” Kate/Al, sending vulnerable teens to absorb her—or is it hir?—wacky convictions.

Even the Mad Hatter would be scratching his head.

I
T'S BEEN ALMOST FIFTY YEARS since we embarked on an adventure called sexuality education, all fired up about change and the new world it would bring: open, positive, and free. Where did it get us? From rare instances of teen infections to nine million new cases a year. From two bugs to two dozen. It got us to babies having babies, sixth graders on the pill,
¹
teens with cervical cancer, and to HIV and AIDS.

Some new world, huh?

Yet the lessons for your kids are the same, as if nothing's changed since the sixties: you're sexual from cradle to grave. Be free to decide when, how, and with whom to get it on. Explore and experiment; take a walk on the wild side. It's a lifelong journey—“safe” travels!

You know that this philosophy can harm your kids, inside and out. Don't allow it to go unchallenged, permitting the sex crusaders to commandeer your authority. Make it clear that in your home, you see things differently. Grab the wheel, Mom and Dad. It's time for a U-turn.

What can you do to optimize your child's chance for a life of healthy sexuality?

First, beware the “hicks versus Harvard” tactic. Don't be intimidated, because you
do
know what's best for your kids. If your instincts say, “No, not for my child,” they're probably right. Follow them, not someone who happens to have a website or a bunch of diplomas. Diplomas represent years in graduate school, not wisdom.

Value your child's innocence. Protect her, as much as possible, from things she cannot grasp. She is not a miniature adult. She does not understand the world the same way you do.

Be “authoritative” parents with your teens, combining warmth and support with firm rules and high expectations. When you speak to your child, stay grounded in your love and common sense. Your opinions count more than you think. Tell him that sexuality is not a recreational activity, but an appetite. Healthy, of course, and wonderful, but like all appetites, only if restrained. He understands the benefits of self-discipline in many areas: sports, diet, drugs, and alcohol. Tell him sexuality is one more area—a major one—where his discipline will be well rewarded.

Teach your child that the highest goal in life is not the satisfaction of his urges. In your own lives, live by that value.

Many sex educators refer to “sex play,” and use comics, cartoons, and slang to teach young people. But you want your child to know sex is a serious matter. A single act can change her life forever. While sexuality may, as educators insist, be “central” to being human, so are many other things that have no place in the life of an adolescent.

Remember that even if he's taking AP Math and Physics, your teen's brain is immature. There's an extreme makeover going on, and until the paint is dry and the fixtures secured, he could have poor judgment. Under “hot” conditions, he may rely on his “feeling”—not his “thinking”—brain. Monitor his activities, whereabouts, and friends. He's a work in progress, and you are his scaffolding, providing support
and structure. He benefits from your rules and supervision when they come from care, not distrust.

By all means, find out what your child will be taught at school. This is a daunting task, but it can be done. Recognize that there is a difference between sex ed, and HIV/AIDS prevention, and that the school may need your consent for one but not the other. Ask to see the curriculum. Where does it come from, and who will be teaching? Will material such as pamphlets, condoms, or lists of recommended websites be distributed? Check them out ahead of your child.

Take note of material related to sexual orientation and gender. There is widespread confusion about these matters, and young people who turn to sex ed authorities may end up more perplexed, not less. They may seize upon faulty ideas that can be hard for parents to refute. Remind teens struggling with these issues of the vital importance of delaying sexual activity. Proceed thoughtfully, with patience and compassion.

While acknowledging it's not easily achieved, give your kids an ideal to strive toward. Tell them to delay sexual experiences until adulthood, and to try to keep their lifetime partners as close to one as possible. Tell them “exploring” is likely to be followed, sooner or later, by regret, while “waiting” has only benefits.

Emphasize that although certain beliefs and behaviors may be common, it's no indication they are healthy.

Is your teen in need of a strong dose of reality? Google “STD support,” and read the posts together. Scary? Yes. Disgusting? You bet. Remind her that those characters on
Sex and the City
and
Grey's Anatomy
are fiction. In real life, Carrie Bradshaw would have herpes. In real life, Meredith would be worried about cervical cancer. In this century, you cannot have that many “partners” without paying a price, especially if you are female.

Your child's sex education must be grounded in biological truths. These are the indisputable findings from hard science that simply aren't up for debate—what this book is all about. Whether popular or not,
they must form the foundation for sex education in the twenty-first century.