Your Heart to Keep: Holly and Jax (13 page)

Chapter Twenty Three

Holly

Such a rude man! He had actually been civil until I mentioned the coffee. There had been some sort of conversation happening. Be it, rather brusque. It had been a start. More than anything we’d had up to this point.

And where did that drink combination even come from? I was new to coffee and barely understood the difference between a cappuccino and a flat white. It was another one of those crazy sensations that took over from time to time. How could I possibly know what Chloe’s favorite drink was? Where were all these sudden urges coming from? Was it the fact that Chloe’s heart still contained some of her memories? But how was that even possible? Should I mention it to Jax? No. That would surely make me sound insane and anger him even more.

I couldn’t blame him for being a little perturbed by my revelations that mimicked Chloe. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it would be like.

Minutes later he returned with our coffees, sitting down, heavily. He was exuding a pissed off vibe and I really couldn’t blame him. He must be so confused by all of this.

Sipping my amazing smelling coffee, I couldn’t help the ‘aaahh’ that escaped after the first swallow. This was divine. Better than anything my dad brewed up. I could live on this!

Feeling like I owed him some sort of apology to break the ice that had started to freeze over again, I stumbled over my words, “I…ah…Look…this is awkward I know. It must be very strange for you to be sitting here with the knowledge that I carry your girlfriend’s heart.”

I thought I heard him choke on his drink but I wasn’t sure. My words were met with a grumble so I kept going, needing to explain. “It’s difficult for me too, knowing that you dislike me because of these unforeseen circumstances that we’ve both had thrust upon us.”

“You don’t know anything!” he seethed.

“No! You’re right! I don’t know anything. About you, Chloe or what you’ve been through but I do know that I am sitting here today breathing in this air and enjoying this divine cup of coffee because of your girlfriends amazing gift. As hard as it is for you to see that, at the end of the day why should perfectly useful organs be left to rot in the ground or be burned when people that are dying can be saved?”

I knew I was treading on dangerous ground but if
I
couldn’t make him see how great organ donation was then no one could. I had one more thing to say. “What if it was Micah or your mom that was in need of a kidney, lung, liver or heart? Would you just expect them to deny themselves the right to become well again?”

“Of course not! That’s their choice! I don’t agree with it but I wouldn’t want to see them die!” His voice had deepened and become somewhat louder. I was touching a nerve but I was too passionate about the subject to stop.

“And what about yourself? If you knew it would save your life would you accept anything from another?”

I could almost hear the cogs turning as I sipped my coffee, grateful that I couldn’t see the expression on his face.

“Nope. I’d just let nature take its course. If I was meant to die, I’d let it happen. I don’t want to be cut open and desecrated.”

“Wow! You don’t put much value on your own life then, do you?”

There was a loud thud on the table, probably from his fist or hand coming down hard on it. I jumped at the sudden outburst. Everything shook and I hoped my coffee hadn’t spilt all over the place.

“I don’t have a fucking life anymore! Chloe’s death robbed me of that!” The razor sharp edge to his voice cut into me but not in a way so as to frighten me. It merely had me feeling sorry for him.

I imagined if there were other’s nearby, they would be stopping to stare. Jax was filled with anger and hurt that I just wanted to soothe away but I’d pushed his buttons too hard today. I needed to stop. He was still very much grieving.

Hearing a car horn, he pushed his metal chair out, the legs scraping on the concrete. “Cab’s here!” He growled.

I stood up and followed his shadow to the cab and got into the open door that he held open and then slammed shut before taking his place on the other side.

Giving the driver directions we took off in anxiety-riddled silence. Maybe even he sensed the tension because nothing was uttered until we stopped and Jax, obviously still stewing, said, “We’re here.”

The cab stayed running on the street while I got out, determined to make my own way inside. I didn’t want help. I would show him that I was very independent and didn’t need to rely on others.

When I heard and felt him beside me, I said, “You don’t have to escort me to the door. I’m quite capable. Thank you for the coffee.”

“I can see that, but I promised Micah I would get you inside safely and that’s what I’m doing.” It was the familiar snippy tone the the wretched anger from the cafe had eased some.

“Suit yourself.” I offered, feeling the grass under foot and eyeing the shadow of the house, using my cane in front of me to feel for the steps I knew were approaching.

Once I was safely at the door and feeling proud of myself for doing it with an audience, I foraged in my bag for my house key before groping for the door handle and lock.

He must have been watching the whole time and thought that I was going to have trouble. “Here let me do it.”

“Thank you but I’ve done this quite a few times now, I could do it with my eyes closed.”

Suddenly realizing what I just said we both burst out laughing at the same time. The sound of Jax laughing freely and fully, stoked the fire in my new heart further. It was a foreign sound that I wanted to hear more of.

“I…ah…that was probably an irrelevant point. I mean, I’ve done this before and I’m quite capable of it.”

Jax was still snickering and deep down I was pleased that I had made him laugh, even if it was at my own expense.

“I’m sure you are. Go ahead.” His snarky tone had vanished which I was thankful for. Was I beginning to crack that tough exterior? He had to let his guard down sometime and I had a feeling that I may have just seen that happen. There was hope yet.

With a nervous shake to my hand, I felt my way from the door knob, to the lock, finding the small hole, using the fingers of my other hand to make sure the key was the correct way up before lining up the two and after a few fumbles, I managed to pull it off.

I opened the front door and turned to him. “I appreciate you buying me coffee and making sure I got home safely.”

“Just helping out Micah. I’ll see you around, Holly Jenkins.”

His voice stayed lighter after our joke, bringing a smile to my face. “You will indeed.”

***

After another restless night, Mom dropped me off at work the next morning. It was my first day back. I was itching to talk to Leah about yesterday with Jax.

Walking in to the building in a long pair of pants and a blouse with a pair of flat, comfortable shoes on, I headed straight for the staff room where I knew Leah would be. It was only 8am and students didn’t start arriving until 8.45am. We would have time for a chat before we started.

I counted the thirty steps from the front door, along the wall to a hallway and then paced out another fifteen steps which would lead me to the staff room. The door was always kept open and furniture always set away from the walls so everyone could use them as a guide if need be.

“Hey Gorgeous!” Leah’s excited voice greeted me.

“Hey, yourself! How long have you been here?”

“Got in about ten minutes ago to turn the lights on and set up. Welcome back! I missed you! How are you and what brings you in so early?”

On a sigh, I found a chair and sat down, resting my bag on the table. “I missed you too. I’m really good. Feeling so much healthier already. I’m not out of breath like I used to be. I came in early because I needed someone to talk to. I mean, besides my mother.”
“Ah ha! Guy talk?”

“Not really. Well, there is a guy involved but it’s not like that.”

“Mmm hmm.” She didn’t believe me. It was so evident.

“Ever since the operation, I’ve been getting strong inclinations…”

“Inclinations? Such as?”

“It’s hard to describe but I guess the only way to explain it is that I get cravings that I never used to get before.”

“And this involves a guy?”

“No! Yes! Shoot. I don’t really know. It’s all so complicated.”
Pouring us both a drink, Leah placed the mug down in front of me and sat in the chair opposite. “Start at the beginning and don’t leave anything out.”

I proceeded to tell her about Jax. The feelings I hadn’t been able to control when he was near. The coffee cravings which she had never even asked me about. Saying things only Chloe would say.

Leah listened without uttering a sound until I was finished.

“What does it all mean, Leah? It’s like I’ve been possessed by her or something. Oh, and that’s not all! At the gym a couple of weeks ago, I ran into Jax. Literally ran into the back of him and we somehow ended up close. Really close. I voiced a word that was only significant to Jax and Chloe. For a small moment it was like I wasn’t even myself.”

“Oooh. I’ve heard about stuff like this with organ transplantation. I once read that a guy that received a liver whom never drank, suddenly craved a beer!”

“Really? So you think I might be experiencing something similar?”

“Makes sense. What else could it be? When you really think about it. Chloe’s cells are in that heart. Cells have memory. I would say that it’s a very real possibility you are experiencing some of her memories.”

“Ugh! This is huge. Maybe that’s why I feel such a pull to him.”

“You’re in a bit of a bind, girl. Sounds like this Jax guy is firing his pain your way because you are the perfect candidate. He feels short-changed by what’s happened and he needs someone to blame.”

“That’s what I think too. I was trying to explain the good that came from organ donation yesterday but he didn’t really want to discuss the subject. He’s just so closed off to it.”

“Everyone has their own ideas and opinions about things. Don’t push the guy or you’ll lose him altogether.”

“You’re right, I guess. I need to let the subject drop and accept his feelings about it. I actually feel like I made a breakthrough of a different kind with him yesterday when he dropped me home.”

“How so?

“I made some lame joke about being able to unlock the door with my eyes shut and he laughed. We both did. It’s the first time he’s laughed since I met him.”

“Maybe you’re starting to get under his thick skin. I’m telling you, Girl. Who couldn’t possibly like you? I mean, you’re gorgeous, funny and intelligent. Hell, if I was a guy, I’d date you.”

“Ha! I guess I should be flattered at that comment! Considering I haven’t dated anyone, ever!”

“You just haven’t met the right person yet that sees the true Holly. You are so much more than your sight. Once a guy appreciates that, he’ll be banging your door down.”

“Yeah, right!” I downed the rest of my coffee and stood, ready to start my work day. “Thanks for listening, Leah. You always manage to make me feel better.”

“No problem. That’s what friends are for. Make sure you keep me posted on the Jax saga!”

“Saga is right! Stay tuned for the next episode.”

Having a chuckle we walked into our separate classrooms to await the students. Maybe Leah and I could become closer and hang out more as friends outside of work.

Chapter Twenty Four

Holly

Now that I was immersed back into a routine of work and going to the gym with Micah, I was beginning to feel like my old self, only the new improved version.

My endurance had increased immensely with the cardio and swimming I was doing three evenings per week.

I hadn’t spoken to Jax much, other than to reply to his ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ when he was picked up at work to head to the gym and then again when I was dropped home first in Micah’s truck. He’d reverted back to the way he’d been early on. Distant and almost cold.

It was a Tuesday evening at around 7:15pm three weeks after he’d had bought me coffee. The three of us had finished our workouts and Micah had pulled into my driveway and walked me to the door. Jax waited in the truck.

“I wanted to ask you if you’d come to my 26th birthday this Saturday night? We’re having a party at Jax’s house and I’d really like you to be there. Bring a friend if you want. It’ll be heaps of fun.”

A party? I’d never been to a proper party. Not one with loud music and alcohol. I didn’t know if it would be such a good idea. “I don’t know, Micah. It’ll be kind of a bit awkward.”

“Why?” He genuinely sounded confused.

“Because, everyone will be dancing and having a good time and then there will be me. It’s not like I’ll be able to cut loose and party like an animal.”

“Aww, you don’t give yourself enough credit, Holly. You’re amazing! My friends are great and won’t care about you’re sight. Besides, I’ll dance with you and make sure you have a fun time.”

While I was considering it he added, “Please? For me? It’s my birthday and I really want you to come.”

Could I ask Leah to go with me for a little while? If I wasn’t comfortable then we could just leave. At least I’d have someone to talk to and wouldn’t look like such an outcast.

“Fine. I’ll go. Providing my friend agrees to go with me. What time?”

“Awesome!” He leaned in and put his arms around me in a bear hug. “Seven o’clock. Jax’s house. You know where it is right because of the letter?”

“As long as it’s okay with Jax.”

I couldn’t imagine him being overly thrilled with me turning up but then I was going to Micah’s party and he had invited me.’

“Pffft. He doesn’t have a say in the matter. He’ll be fine, don’t worry. We can talk more about it Thursday when I pick you up for the gym.”

“Okay. Bye Micah. See you then.”

“Bye Holly.”

And so, I had been invited to my first party. I was going to need Leah’s help. What would I wear? How would I look? I didn’t own much make-up so she’d have to bring over all her supplies. And I’d have to get Mom to take me to the mall to buy Micah a birthday present. What did you buy a 26 year old guy?

I was nervous and excited at the thought of going to Jax’s house. Hopefully we’d get the chance to talk privately, although I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

I had to find out if Leah would even go with me first?

Walking in to the kitchen I found mom’s shadow. Something delicious was cooking.

“Hi Mom. What’s for dinner?”

“Hi Honey. I’m making chicken curry tonight. How was the gym?”

“It was great. I’m really enjoying it.” I sat at the table, feeling my muscles ache after the extra ten laps I’d done in the pool.

“One of these evenings you’ll have to invite Micah over for dinner. I’ve been meaning to mention it to you for a while.”

“I’m sure he’d love that Mom. I’ll ask him.” I wondered how my mother would take the news of my party invitation. I’m sure because it was for Micah she would be okay with it. “He’s asked me to his birthday party this Saturday night at Jax’s house. I thought I’d ask Leah from work to go with me.”

“Oh, Darling. That sounds wonderful! It’s great you’re starting to get out more and meet new people. How is he coping now?”

“He’s still struggling but I think slowly he’s getting over it. At least he’s talking to me. Sometimes.”

My mom didn’t know much about him. I hadn’t gone into too much detail. Just the things I wanted her to know.

“He’s had time to get used to the idea. He can’t stay cross forever. It’s not right that he was angry with you to begin with.”

“No but I try not to judge people. Put in his situation none of us know how it would affect us.”

“You always look for the good in people, Holly. I’m so proud of you.”

“I believe most people are good. They’ve just been dealt blows that make them bitter and angry. Life is hard. Some choose to let it get to them and others use setbacks positively to learn and grow. We all have choices.”

Mom moved over to me and kissed the top of my head. “You’ve got so much of your father in you. He’s always been wise beyond his years.”

I loved being likened to my dad. He was a special person and never had a bad thing to say about anyone. “Speaking of Dad. When’s he due back?”

“He’s flying in on Friday around 4pm. He’s here for five days and then he flies out again.”

I couldn’t wait to see him. I always missed him dreadfully when he was away. I wanted him to see how much my health had improved in such a short time.

“Honey, why don’t you go have a shower and get changed and by that time dinner will be ready. Then we can sit down and chat about Saturday night.”

Looking forward to the hot shower, I rose and counted my steps to the bathroom where I put the water on full pelt, letting it pummel me, all the while fixating my thoughts on the party at Jax’s house and what it would bring.

***

By Friday, I couldn’t contain myself. My dad would be home when I finished work and then Saturday was D day. Or maybe it was J day. Jax day. There were nerves mixed with anticipation at being inside his house. His personal space. Even though I wouldn’t be able to see what it looked like, I’d still have a sense of being in his world.

Leah had agreed to go to the party and was coming over Saturday afternoon to help me get ready and to drive us both. She’d seemed really excited that I’d asked her as if she had just been waiting on me to do it.

I wanted to look extra special for my first party. At twenty years of age, it was a big deal. Everyone at the gym I’d met had welcomed me with open arms. I only hoped those at the party were as friendly.

After finishing my final class for the week and bidding my students farewell, I settled in at my desk to go through the braille lessons I had planned for the following week. My mother wouldn’t arrive to get me until 5pm so there was plenty of time to prepare.

Normally Micah would pick me up to go to the gym but because my father was coming home, I’d decided to skip tonight’s workout to spend time with my family. I felt a little guilty missing out on the exercise but I wanted as much time with my dad as possible.

I made my way into the kitchen to make a much needed coffee, meeting Leah in the hallway.

“Hey Holly. How was class today?”

“Not too bad. Zane’s struggling a little with it all. It’s hard when you’ve had sight and then lose it and have to learn another language. I know what it’s like.”

“Yeah, me too. It’s certainly not easy.”

“What’s it like?”

“What?”

“Seeing again after living in the dark?”

We walked into the kitchen where I lifted the kettle to feel its weight, letting me know how much water to put in and then I switched it on.

Leah walked over and stood beside me. “It’s amazing. There’s nothing else like it. You think you remember what everything looks like but when your vision returns it’s so much greater. The world around you looks vivid and alive. People’s faces. Clothing. Nature. The sun. It’s all in Technicolor.”

I gave her a smile that must have had a look of envy in it, for she added, “Holly, you seriously need to apply for another corneal transplant. I know you said the first one failed but that was years ago. Things have changed.”
“I don’t know if I could go through the disappointment again if it failed.”

“That must have been hard but you’re missing out on so much. What if this time it worked? Think of the joy in being able to see your family’s faces again. Micah’s. Mine. Jax’s!”

Just hearing that name alone had me wishing I could see. To be normal. It also brought with it a certain amount of apprehension. Did I want to see the turmoil in his eyes that I’d only ever heard in his voice? To actually see the pain would be far worse than just listening to it.

I was now used to my dark world and the routine I had created. To see again would be to have to start anew in many ways. Change was scary.

Scooping two heaped spoons of coffee into my cup, I carefully poured the hot water in, feeling the side of the cup heat up so I knew when I was nearing the top.

“I’d love to see so many things, Leah but it also frightens me. I’ve adapted to my handicap and I like my life at the moment.”
“What scares you so much?” Leah poured her own cup of coffee and sat down with me while I drank mine.

“I’m not sure. I guess seeing people’s faces for the first time. I’m sure I wouldn’t even recognize Ty now. My mom and dad looking older. It would be like waking from a coma after years and finding everyone had aged.”

“But surely you want to experience that! To see life altering before your eyes. The seasons with their colors. Our loved ones growing and changing with us. Night and day. It’s a part of life. It’s a gift to be able to watch it rather than just imagine it. Most people with sight don’t really see. They walk around oblivious to the beauty of life. But we’re different Holly. We’ve lived in the darkness. We’ve experienced both worlds. I can honestly say that I now notice things others don’t. You will too.”

Hearing it put like that in a way that only Leah could put it, made me wonder if I was hiding behind my blindness. Using it as a cover to shield me from whatever it was that frightened me so. What was it? Independence? Moving out of my parent’s house and creating my own life when I’d relied on them since birth? Driving? I wasn’t sure. There would be so many more things to think about and take responsibility for. Was I ready for all that?

“Hmm. I’ll think about it.”
“Aren’t you the least bit curious as to what Micah and Jax look like?”

On a sigh, I exclaimed, “I am. It’s just another big step that I may not be ready for yet. Let’s just get tomorrow night over with first because I can’t really think of anything else other than me not looking like a fool by falling over in front of everyone.”

Getting up, Leah came and hugged me. “You’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of it. I’m kinda looking forward to seeing what these two boys of yours look like.”

“When you find out, you can let me know! Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got some more reading to do before going home.”

“I’ll come over about 2pm tomorrow afternoon. Have fun catching up with your dad.”

“I will. Thanks Leah. See you tomorrow.”

She headed into her class and I went back to mine to finish the reading I had promised myself I’d do.

Sitting down and splaying my fingers over the braille was a useless exercise though because while my fingers could feel the raised dots of each letter, my mind was miles away replaying the conversation I’d just had with Leah, imagining what my reaction would be to seeing Jax with my own eyes for the first time.