Your Brain on Porn (20 page)

The key may be to avoid placing real people into your favourite porn scenarios. Two guys

share their advice:

Fantasy is regarded as something risky at first because the first few months our fantasies

are nothing but modified versions of the porn scenes. The fact that your brain is somewhat
numb to pleasure and creativity means you can't clearly imagine how that hot girl would look

naked. Or what loving, caring sex would be like. Solution? ‘Let's just recall that porn scene

that kept us edging for hours’, says your brain. There lies the danger; it's not in the act of
fantasising itself. A healthy person who has natural fantasies about someone will not get
himself into trouble, while a porn addict who keeps fantasising based on his porn past will
only make things worse. My opinion is that once you start to recover, if your mind starts
fantasising on its own, without being extreme or unrealistic, you should allow it. Don't
necessarily reinforce the fantasy, but allow it to be.

*

If a fantasy even remotely resembles porn, it should be off the table during a reboot. Two

reasons:

1) Porn fantasies can lead to relapsing.

2) They can reinforce the screwed up neural circuitry that we're attempting to undo by
rebooting. Your brain doesn't make a distinction between imagery that comes from a computer

screen or inside your own mind, so running porn-like imagery through your brain is little
different from watching porn.

Now that said, I don't think that
all
fantasy is bad and counterproductive. I've found that
during rebooting, pretty much for the first time in my life, I've spontaneously begun to have

another type of fantasy that involves intimacy but not sex. These fantasies involve things like
exchanging smiles, holding hands, giving back or foot massages. I know that may sound
corny, but these fantasies are actually very vivid and enjoyable. I don't think of them as
weaker versions of sexual fantasies since they are qualitatively different. I've found this other
type of fantasy actually has a positive effect. BTW, I never edge or masturbate during such
fantasies (if I did they'd probably become sexual).

Using porn substitutes

This is another easy way to derail your reboot. If you're trying to quit porn, it's easy to rationalize looking at, say, pictures of women in bikinis instead. After all, that's not porn, right?

Actually, the primitive part of your brain
doesn't know what porn is.
It simply knows whether something is arousing (to you) or not. (Your brain is in good company. In 1964 Justice Potter Stewart of the US Supreme Court famously claimed that, while he couldn’t define pornography,

he knew it when he saw it.) So if you find bikini shots hot then they're also problematic
.

Opinions as to whether something on your screen constitutes porn are irrelevant. What really

matters are spikes of reward-circuit dopamine (and other neurochemicals) associated with artificial sexual stimuli. The question to ask is, ‘What type of brain-training led to the problems I'm experiencing, and am I repeating it?’

Would browsing Facebook because you find it arousing activate sensitized addiction

pathways and reinforce your addiction? Sure. You are searching, clicking and surfing in pursuit

of two-dimensional sexual novelty because your brain is hungry for stimulation. It can slow your

recovery. On the other hand, bumping into hardcore images, then immediately closing the page,

is actually strengthening your willpower (frontal lobes). Remember, the goal is to reset the brain so it becomes excited by the real deal.

Obviously, the issue isn't ‘nakedness’. Which scenario is more like porn addiction?

1.

Surfing a dating app while imagining sex with clothed people, as you click from picture to

picture, or

2.

An afternoon in a nudist colony?

Number one, of course. Internet porn addiction is not an addiction to naked or erotic; it's an

addiction to novelty. Screen novelty. One guy summed up what he learned:

Why are you browsing YouTube videos of girls dancing in shorts? What's the point of
sexting, webcams, phone sex, fantasising constantly, reading erotic stories, browsing dating
profiles (without the intention of contacting them), typing pornstar names on Google image
search, checking out social media sites, etc?

All of these activities increase your urge to masturbate. They reinforce the very same
pathways you're trying to weaken. They keep your mind occupied with sexual thoughts, tits,

asses, f--king, getting off, hot chicks, etc. They make rebooting much harder and more painful.

Either try to get laid (approach potential partners, set up dates, flirt, contact friends, go

out) or do something completely unrelated to sex (work, study, exercise, hang out). The whole

idea is to move away from that artificial/fantasy world and into the real world.

Forcing sexual performance prematurely (ED)

Traditionally, both men and women assume that turning up the sexual heat is the solution to

sexual sluggishness in a partner. However, those with porn-related sexual dysfunction often find

that they heal faster if they allow their libido to reawaken naturally. In short, they need to reboot, free of sexual performance demands. One man described his girlfriend's support:

She has been so amazing. I told her that I would occasionally use porn fantasy to stay
hard, and she told me that she'd rather I went soft than use porn. Knowing that actually made

it easier, and I haven't even thought of porn since we had that convo a few weeks ago. She
also refused to let me take any sort of ED drug, as she wanted me to sort this out naturally.

Here's my advice:

1. Talk to your partner. It is by far the biggest help.

2. Take your time and go at a pace you are comfortable with.

3. Supplements had no effect what-so-ever.

4. Don't fall into the trap of looking at porn even if you don't plan to binge.

Funnily enough, my girlfriend went through a similar phase a while back of viewing too

much porn and ending up finding that only girl-on-girl action would get her wet even though

she is not lesbian at all. So she also had to give up the porn. This was good because she fully
understood what I was going through.

Sure, we've had some lows. She's had some insecure feelings. I've had some terrible
evenings of feeling inadequate and useless, but in the end we talked things through and came

out stronger. Then, last weekend I managed to actually get and stay hard enough for sex. This

is a huge step forward for me, the start of a new sexual adventure, and it's fantastic.

If orgasm sets off noticeable neurochemical ripples (the chaser) or sends you into a binge,

don't push yourself to finish in the future. Keep your sexual activity gentle and low-key, that is, free of all performance pressure, while your sensitivity to pleasure returns naturally. It is better to leave wanting more than to exhaust your sexual desire.

If necessary, ask your partner not to play porn star in an effort to heat you up prematurely.

Although dazzling foreplay and fantasy skills may produce the desired fireworks in the short-term, they can ultimately hamper healing. You can make up for lost time once you return to your studly self. The wait will be worth it:

Only a matter of weeks ago I had almost resigned myself to never being able to achieve

climax during penetrative sex. Last night I had sex with my partner twice and reached climax

both times! Once we started kissing and touching each other, I couldn't hold back on my urge

to penetrate her. It felt so natural. The sensitivity in my penis has definitely returned, plus I
feel there's more to come.

Assuming a fetish is permanent

The belief that ‘I can't help my fetishes; that's just who I am’ can become a serious stumbling

block to quitting internet porn because it can feel like you're abandoning your only hope of sexual fulfilment. The fact is, only by process of elimination will you know whether you are dealing with a porn-induced superficial 'fetish' or a true fetish arising from the core of your sexual identity.

Obviously, if a fetish disappears during the months after you quit porn then it wasn't integral

to your sexual identity. In the meantime, your cravings for past highs related to your tastes in porn can deceive you. Said one young guy:

In summer 2011 I developed a new fetish, and oh god I could feel the dopamine in my
brain. I was so happy and excited when watching this new type of porn that my body would

shake. Since then I have been a lot less happy and have never gone back to normal.

Confused by the combination of past thrills and present dissatisfaction, some porn users escalate through a series of increasingly extreme porn. Others wonder if their sexual orientation has changed as they find new things intensely arousing and earlier things less arousing. Some desperately seek certainty by furiously masturbating to different kinds of porn in an effort to figure things out. Compulsive checking can drive them deep into an addiction or OCD-like behaviour without clarifying anything. Still others try acting out their fetishes in search of satisfaction.

In all cases, it makes sense to rule out excessive porn use as a cause
first.
The brain needs a rest not testing. This is accomplished by quitting porn and porn fantasy for a few months. Watch

out, because withdrawal discomfort or flatlining may persuade you that you just need more extreme scenarios to find satisfaction, when satisfaction actually lies in a balanced brain (the opposite direction). This forum member shared his experience:

Pornography made me able to become aroused only when I imagined extreme images in
my head. I did a lot of extreme things with female prostitutes, but was left wholly dissatisfied.

Even with the transsexuals, nothing they did aroused me. I had to force myself to become
aroused by thinking of extreme porn. I noticed that I was switching between different sexual

activities every few minutes at a rate equal to how quickly I switched between porn videos at

home. During my porn use, I was unable to be turned on simply by being near a naked woman

(something I used to love more than anything, and now love again). Today, after quitting porn,
when I am intimate with a woman it's an actual connection, an exceptional, awesome feeling.

No forced fantasies.

Today's internet porn users are demonstrating that human sexuality is far more malleable than

anyone realized. Viewers can use today's hyperstimulating content to produce supernormal arousal states, which they can maintain for hours. As overconsumption leads to desensitization,

the brain seeks more dopamine via novelty, shock, forbidden content, kink, seeking,
etc.
That's when earlier porn tastes may no longer do the job.

Clearly there are early windows of development, during which deep associations can get wired in more or less permanently.

And of course, during puberty, all erotic memories gain power, and are reinforced with each

instance of arousal. Avid porn use in teens, whose brains are highly plastic, can cause sexual tastes to morph with surprising swiftness. Research shows that the younger the age people first

start to use porn, the more likely they are to view bestiality or child porn
.[179]
In an informal 2012 poll of (mostly young) people on r/nofap, 63% agreed that, ‘My tastes became increasingly

“extreme” or “deviant”’.
[180]
Half were concerned; half weren't.

Yet porn fetishes often turn out to be superficial. Again, many who quit porn (and porn-inspired fantasy) for a few months see their extreme tastes dissipate.

The bad urge

The ideal time to deal with a bad urge is before it shows up. When you first quit, plan ahead:

Try to be home as little as possible. If you can't think of anything to schedule for the first
few days go to a library, a bookstore or park to read. Not being at home, or a place where you
usually fap, will be incredibly helpful in getting past the first few days of withdrawal throes.

Make a list (now) of reasons you are avoiding porn and consult it when The Urge arises.

Better yet, write a note to yourself that you can read when needed about what it will be like if

you yield to The Urge, just as this guy did:

You start some edging. Now there is no looking back. A little more ... then a little more ...