You Were My Crush: Till You Said You Love Me! (11 page)

We had kept meeting, though we never talked about whether or not we liked each other, or what Diya would think, or whether we should date or not; I was cautious about anything I said to her, scared that I might put her off.

That day, I was waiting near her house; I always parked at a safe distance. It had been drizzling for quite some time now, and I saw her at a distance, running, jumping over puddles, dodging traffic, and by the time she reached my car, she was drenched.

The wet white T-shirt she wore clung to her body and her beautifully carved legs glistened as water droplets streamed down them. A small drop of water trickled down her face and rested on her slightly parted, soft, pink lips.

‘Hi,’ she said and she pulled out tissues from the box and started rubbing the water off herself.

‘Hi,’ I said, trying hard not to stare.

She was almost bare. I could see the colour of her skin beneath the wet T-shirt, and I tried hard not to stare. I put the heater on full blast and she thanked me for it.

‘Stop staring, Benoy, you’re embarrassing me,’ she said, still trying to get herself dry. I looked away. The rain pouring outside and the near nakedness of Shaina were just an invitation for me to do something stupid.

‘I think I should change,’ she said.

‘Let’s go to my place? I will give you something to wear?’ I said.

‘
Your
place?’ she asked. She was sceptical but there was no other choice; she was still dripping.

‘Nice house,’ she said as she looked around. A few stray strands of wet hair clung to her face and her neck, small beads of raindrops were still stuck to her face, and her neck and further down. I wanted to be those drops and explore her porcelain-smooth skin. I could not help but stare at her fulsome breasts behind her T-shirt, her flat stomach and her thin waist.

‘Can you get me a T-shirt?’ she asked.

I nodded. Reluctantly, I left and got her a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. She locked the room behind her and changed. I tried not to imagine her bare and in my room; the thought was delicious and so wrong.

Finally, the door creaked open.

‘How do I look?’ she asked and struck a pose. The T-shirt ended mid-thigh; it was so long that it hid the shorts beneath it.

‘You always look amazing!’ I said, my heart aflutter.

‘The tee is a little big though,’ she joked.

We sat on the couch and ordered pizzas for ourselves. She started to talk and I found it hard to concentrate on her words. I tried not to make it obvious that I was checking her out, which I totally was.

Everything was going
perfect
, when suddenly she came back to the topic.

‘This isn’t right,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t be here.’

‘Can we not talk about that again?’ I begged.

‘We can’t run away from this conversation, Benoy. I am really fond of you. But—’

‘But?’

‘Benoy, you and I, this will never be. And you know that. The sooner we understand this, the better,’ she said.

She said this casually, not realizing that she was killing me from the inside. Instead of just saying this, she could have just ripped the beating heart of me and handed over to me in my palm.

‘I am not particularly in the mood to understand that you try to run away from me at the drop of a hat. It’s particularly torturous today, since you’re looking totally hot,’ I said, almost desperate.

‘Fine, then, let’s watch a movie? Which movie do you want to watch?’

She went through my collection of DVDs and was disappointed that she could only find mindless action movies—just the kind she hated. Disappointed, she asked me to pick one.

‘Let’s just watch whatever you want to. I think I have bored you enough by making you watch the movies I do. You deserve a break,’ she conceded, and suppressed a smile.

I mindlessly picked one and she slipped it into the DVD player. She tapped a few buttons on the remote and the movie started to play. I was still trapped in her words, words she didn’t realize could affect me the way they did. She was always good with words.

‘Do you mind?’ she said, as she slipped right next to me.

I dimmed the lights and instinctively leaned into her; I put my hand across her shoulder and she didn’t brush it off. I wanted to stop the movie and ask her what she meant by what she had said. But I was scared to lose that moment. I wanted to make the most of it. The questions could wait for another time. The movie ended, and right before it did, right before the tearful climax, Shaina and I had kissed.

I
kissed
Shaina.

A silence hung around the room as if somebody had died. She looked at me, and I looked at her. I did not know what to say. I had no idea what it meant or where it would lead us. She started crying. What happened later was not what I had in mind; it wasn’t planned and it was not why I wanted her to come over.

Quietly, she gathered her things and prepared to leave—she did not say a word. I did not know what to say because I did not know what she felt. I wondered if it was because of the guilt of betraying the trust that her parents had in her.

She disappeared into the room to change back into her clothes; they were still wet.

A little later, she came out. I had no idea who had initiated the kiss. I did not feel sorry about it, but she did.

‘I am sorry, Benoy.’

‘Sorry? Why? You don’t have to be sorry,’ I said. She still avoided eye contact; she was still crying.

‘I should have never come here. I said this was wrong, didn’t I?’

‘Why is this wrong? This is
perfect
.’

‘This is wrong, Benoy. I don’t do this. I don’t kiss guys I hardly know.’ Her voice was desperate now.

‘I didn’t mean to kiss you. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.’

‘I know you didn’t mean to, Benoy. It’s my fault. It’s because of me. I kissed you back,’ she said and began to leave. ‘You don’t have to apologize. I led you into believing there was something between us.’

‘Can we at least talk about it?’

‘There is nothing to talk about. Can I
go
?’

I blocked her way. Her silence and her words, both affected me profoundly.

‘I am sorry. I didn’t mean to kiss you, but I thought—’ I said.

‘
Yes, I wanted
to kiss you as well. And that’s what’s wrong, Benoy. Now, please let me go. I can deal with this myself. Please leave me alone.’

‘But, Shaina, I
love
you. I don’t see what’s wrong in this,’ I said, feeling betrayed.

‘We don’t love each other, Benoy. I don’t even know what on earth I am doing here!’

‘No, Shaina—’ I said, but she was in no mood to listen.
Fuck.

‘Didi was right. I should not have called you. It’s my fault, Benoy, seriously.’ She came close and talked softly. ‘You are not to blame. You are too nice, and I fell for it, even though I shouldn’t have. Who wouldn’t?’

‘But you and I, it seems so right, doesn’t it?’

‘I don’t know. I just don’t want this to go any further. I cannot do this. Please don’t make it any tougher than it already is, Benoy. Please don’t ask any questions. I don’t have any answers to give you.’

‘Is it Manoj?’ I don’t know why I asked that.

‘I said no questions, Benoy,’ she said and left the house.

She was crying as she walked away. I knew that image of her leaving my house would haunt me for a long time to come. I went back to the couch and ran my hands over where she had sat. I could still smell her there. I felt dizzy and terrible.

I wondered where I had gone wrong. I played the last half an hour again in my head. But, even if we kissed, what was the big deal? I loved her, and I told her that. And she only had good things to say about me.
Where have I gone wrong? Do I not deserve her?

I kept calling her, and she kept rejecting my calls. I sent across a million texts, but she did not reply. Maybe, she was dating Manoj, that old creep. If she were, why couldn’t she just tell me that.

I had to take a few vodka shots that day to put me to sleep. As I was falling asleep, I wished I would wake up and it would all be a nasty nightmare.

It was not a nightmare; it was happening for real. I woke up the next day, two hours too late and my head hurt. There were missed calls and unread texts from Diya. She wanted to meet. Nothing from Shaina. I called her again. There was no answer. This was real. And it hurt.

‘What the fuck, Benoy? It’s already three!’ Diya shouted at me as I walked up to her.

She did not look pleased at all. I was supposed to meet Diya at one in the afternoon in Saket and shop for our internship clothes. She told me there was no one else she could go out with. She had noticed my absence from her life recently. My phone was always busy. I was always out with
friends
and hardly ever available. I had been avoiding her calls; talking to her made me feel guiltier.

Just as I had left my place to meet Diya, I had received a text from Shaina.

Benoy, I need some time alone. I need to figure things out.

Please don’t text me or call me for the time being.

She could take as much time as she wanted to come and fall right back in love with me. That was what I was
concerned about.
Shaina needs some time to think, that’s all
, I reminded myself.

‘I am sorry, Diya! I got stuck somewhere,’ I said.

‘You are too busy these days. Where do we go first?’

‘Umm, Zara?’

She grabbed my hand and dragged me to the outlet. As she pulled me towards the shop, I wondered if things would have been easier if I had kept Diya in the loop since the very beginning.

‘Isn’t this like too tight? I look like an elephant in tights.’

‘This is what everyone wears these days, Diya,’ I said. ‘And you look hot. Stop wearing clothes that aunties wear.’

‘Whatever.’

‘If not for anyone else, you can dress up for Eshaan!’ I argued; both of them were doing their internship at BMR Advisors.

‘Thank you,’ she said, after we were done overhauling her wardrobe.

‘What? Thank you? You’re my best friend! I can do that for you.’

‘Okay, listen, Benoy. I talked to someone from LinkedIn who’s studying without a scholarship at LSE. I have inboxed you his mail id. You can ask him any questions that you have,’ she told me. I had expressed interest in going to LSE with her, but I hadn’t done anything about it yet.

‘Diya? That’s two years away. Why would I need to talk to him
now
?’

‘I just felt that you desperately wanted to go,’ she said sadly.

‘Aw! I really do. Okay, you know what, I have already talked to Dad about it and he will ask people around.’

‘You did?’ she asked and smiled.

‘Yes. I did. I know you will fail your exams there without me. I know how much you need me!’ I said, and hugged her.

Hungry and tired, we went to Khan Market to have lunch. I did not say much on the way; I was tired since I had not slept the night before. I toyed with the idea of telling her about Shaina; it seemed like the only option.

As I parked my car, my phone beeped. It was a text from Shaina.

Benoy, I am sorry. We can’t be in touch any more. Please don’t call or text me. Please understand. This is my last text. Take care. Best of luck in life. I am sorry.

As we went about choosing a place, my head hurt. My hands trembled and I wanted to call her. My stomach felt strange and it seemed I was falling sick.

‘What happened?’ Diya asked. ‘You seem strange. Is everything okay?’

I nodded.

We sat down to eat and I was yet to say anything. She kept asking but I could not form the sentences in my head. I was dazed. I read Shaina’s message repeatedly. Finally, I gathered some courage and spoke up. I needed somebody I could talk to regarding Shaina.

‘Umm, Diya, I need to tell you something.’

‘Tell me?’

‘Promise me you won’t freak out and will first listen to everything I say.’

‘Sure.’

I started to narrate everything that had happened between Shaina and me in the past few weeks. She sat motionless as I told her everything, leaving nothing out. I tried to convince her that Shaina meant the world to me and that this was not any fling, and that I was not a fling sort of a guy; her face gave nothing away, and I didn’t know if she believed me. I showed her the text Shaina had just sent me. As she finished reading it, tears rolled down her cheeks. She said
nothing
. She just looked away like her sister always did whenever she had to smile. Or cry.

‘Are you okay?’

‘I need some time alone.’

‘I can explain things, Diya.’

‘Just fuck off, Benoy,’ she said, got up and stormed off.

I ran after her, trying to calm her, but she wouldn’t listen. I followed her to the metro station. She kept crying silently even as she boarded the metro.

‘But at least say
something
!’ I said, as she disappeared inside the metro.

Twice in two days, I had seen people I loved truly cry and walk all over me and away.
They will come back
, I told myself. I was sure that they would be sorry some day. Diya would beg me to accompany her to LSE. And Shaina would ask me to kiss her again.

Everything will be all right
, I said to myself.

I drove back home with nothing to look forward to. I checked my phone repeatedly. No texts. No missed calls. I
started to call both the sisters incessantly, hoping to make them understand.

Diya was not replying to my messages. But she finally answered my call.

‘At least say something, Diya,’ I said. ‘I said I’m sorry.’

‘There is nothing to say, Benoy.’

‘I didn’t mean to hide it. But you were so—’

‘Let it be. I don’t want any explanations,’ she grumbled.

‘But—’

‘Benoy, just don’t call me. I need to talk to my sister. I will get back to you.’

‘But—’

‘Don’t call me unless I do. I don’t want you anywhere near me,’ she said and cut the line. I did not want her to fight with Shaina because of me, but clearly, it was going to happen. Hours passed by, I did not hear a single word from either of them. I was nervous and it was almost two when Diya finally called me—her voice stern, her words straightforward.

‘Hi, Benoy.’

‘Hi, Diya. Look, I am sorry … but—’

‘You don’t have to be. I told you I love my sister way too much and I would never let anything happen to her,’ she said.

‘I would—’

‘Just listen, Benoy. I do not know what you feel for my sister. And I really don’t know what she feels for you. I talked to her about it and she is not sure about you. It’s better that you two don’t talk,’ she said, very coldly. ‘I hope you listen this time.’ It reminded me of the day when she first talked to me—cold, heartless, ruthless.

‘At least let me talk to her once.’

‘Benoy? There is something else, too, that you need to know.’

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘Shaina has been seeing a guy for the last two years.’

‘
What?
She is seeing someone? Who? Manoj?’

‘Yes.’

‘But she never told me about that!’ I protested.

‘She never told me either, Benoy,’ she snapped. ‘She told Manoj about you and they broke up.’

‘So that’s good, right, Diya? I really like your sister. I really do, trust me.’

‘NOTHING IS RIGHT, BENOY!’ she shouted. ‘Manoj came with his parents to our place. He told my parents everything about their two-year-old relationship. Dad thrashed Shaina till she almost passed out. I was there, Mom was there. Dad even accused me of being a part of it. It was Manoj who stopped Dad and told him that he wanted to marry Shaina.’

‘What did your parents say?’ I asked, my heart thumping in my chest.

‘They like him. I told you what they are like, Benoy. They are already fixing dates for her engagement. They don’t want people to know that Shaina was in a relationship. You have no idea how my relatives will react,’ she said.

‘
What?
How can they do this? I need to talk to Shaina. Please understand, Diya. I really need to talk to her. Can I please do that?’ I begged.

‘Shaina is sitting right next to me and she doesn’t want to talk to you,’ Diya explained.

Every word, every sentence felt like death, permanent
and damaging. I shuddered to think what Shaina had gone through for me.

‘But what do I do now?’ I asked her.

‘I don’t know. That’s for you to handle, Benoy. Please leave us alone and go away. That’s the least you can do. Please don’t screw us up more,’ she said, her voice cracking.

‘Can I at least talk to her?’ I begged.

‘No, BENOY! You can’t!’ she growled. ‘Don’t make it worse for Shaina and me. Manoj is a nice guy and he loves her. Please leave us ALONE! And don’t ever call here again.’

Silence.

She had disconnected the call. All was lost. There was no silver lining; it wasn’t one of Shaina’s poems; I wasn’t getting a second chance; I wasn’t the magical puppy with broken legs, but with glittery wings. My fairy tale had hit a road block, a dead end; the fondness, the softness of her touch, the warm hugs, the stolen glances—all of it was a lie, a mirage, a trick to deceive me. I started writing, hoping to put together in words what I felt, like Shaina used to, and I wrote it down. It didn’t make me feel any better.

I didn’t know what went wrong, what made her walk away.

I tried to figure out, but nothing she would say,

For my questions pestered her, my tears made her embarrassed.

I never wanted to be a priority, but a little love was all I expected.

I still kept giving, giving, day in and out.

But all went in vain, when all she beheld were doubts.

Doubts of an uncertain tomorrow, so she told me, ‘I have to go.’

My dreams, my wishes, my love were shattered in a single blow.

I stood by the balcony, looking into the thin air.

I clung on to her picture, crying silently so that no one saw.

All I begged of my fate, was a sight of her.

Occupied with things important, she had moved on well in life.

It was never tough for her, for I was another man by her side.

She thought I must be over her by then; least was she aware that I died each day.

I moved out, I had forgotten how it felt being loved.

I sought a place to pour my heart out, I looked below and above.

When saw no place to confine, saw no place to cry my heart out,

I kept walking towards a dead end, against the fate I had enough fought.

I reached the valley, stood there high, saw down the abyss and looked behind.

When saw no one who would call me back, I let my body be taken down by the wind.

They located my body amidst the woods, with a note in my hand clutched tight.

And a picture of her in my hand.

It read, ‘I will love you till I die,

don’t let her know of my death,

She might live life in guilt.

Just tell her I went to a place afar,

And though I loved her still.’

I stood there while they laid my corpse; a kid asked me who he was

I told him ‘a part of me
’.