You Were My Crush: Till You Said You Love Me! (13 page)

There was good news in the air and a spring in my step. There was something to cheer about. Though Shaina was still ridiculously unattainable, I felt good, thinking that her own sister and my best friend had faith in me. I went to the office that day thinking about her, as I always did, but I wasn’t depressed any more.

I had been avoiding Eshaan’s calls for quite some time now. I called him up.

‘Hi, what’s up? They didn’t make you the CFO yet?’ I asked Eshaan.

‘They are still deciding on it,’ he answered. ‘How are you, Benoy? You don’t answer your phone any more, Benoy?’

‘Things weren’t so good for the last few days.’

‘Diya told me about your problems with Shaina. It will be okay. If you need anything, just give me a call.’

‘Fingers crossed! And tell me, how’s office? How’s the crowd?’ I asked.

‘We are the youngest here, Benoy,’ he said.

‘Haven’t you started hitting on Diya yet? You have a shot with her, Eshaan,’ I said.

‘I don’t know! I have heard what her parents are like and I don’t want to get into that. And I don’t think she even likes me.’

‘Have you tried telling her that you like her?’

‘I don’t like her!’ he said. ‘She is cute. But there is nothing of that sort between us, Benoy.’

‘But you two are so similar! You can spend years talking about important economic stuff. That’s so your thing. There is no reason why you shouldn’t be together,’ I suggested. ‘You two are
made
for each other. Don’t ruin it!’

We talked for another twenty-odd minutes and he returned to his work, and I kept thinking about how desperately I wanted the two of them to be together. They were so meant to be.

Diya and I had been planning this for long now.

In the past few days, Diya had often mentioned me in her conversations with Shaina to elicit reactions, but Shaina asked Diya not to talk about me any more.

I waited in that coffee shop for Shaina to turn up. It was supposed to be a sister’s day out. That is what at least Diya
told
Shaina. It had been forty minutes since I had been waiting and looking in the mirror every five seconds to check whether I looked all right. My heart was beating as if tiny earthquakes were hitting it periodically.

She walked in, and she looked as gorgeous as she always did. She started looking for her sister, and instead found me.

‘Hey,’ I said; almost immediately, her expression changed to one of horror and surprise. She did not look pleased at all; my heart sank.

‘Benoy? What—’

‘Can we talk? Before you say anything?’

Before I could even get up, she stormed off, banging the door as she left. I followed her outside the coffee shop; she was waving at autorickshaws.

‘What? Benoy, I don’t want to talk to you. Is that too hard to understand?’

‘Yes, it is and this is driving me crazy. All I want from you is the answers to a few questions and I will not bother you ever again!’

‘Are you sure?’ she said. ‘Because once I sort this out with you, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Are we clear about this?’

She was cold and heartless, and broke my heart into further smaller pieces with every word she said.

‘Can we just go inside?’ I begged her.

We didn’t order anything. The waiter hovered near us and Shaina swatted him away.

‘Why?’ I asked her.

‘I am not the person you want to be with. Please just forget it like any other fling of yours. It was a mistake, Benoy, and you know that.’

‘It wasn’t a mistake. I had never been surer about anything. And I didn’t even know about Manoj. You didn’t think it was important for me to know?’

‘I didn’t want to. And it was a mistake telling you anything. I did not want this. He forgave me once; he will not do that again. I really need to go.’ Her voice was calm, frosty.

‘What if this is meant to be and not what you have with Manoj?’

‘You hardly know me, Benoy. Manoj and I have known each other for five years now. We are in love. He is right for me. Moreover, my parents are involved now. It’s too late for everything.’

I looked for signs that might tell me that she was lying. She looked straight at me with those big, brown eyes, and no matter how hard I stared, I didn’t see compassion or empathy for what I was going through.

‘I don’t want to lose him,’ she declared.

‘So you regret whatever happened between us?’ I asked her.

‘Yes, I do. I wish nothing had happened. I wish I could undo everything. I need to go, Benoy,’ she said, looking nervously at her phone.

‘You can’t just go like that,’ I begged, now desperate.

‘I don’t have to answer everything. And please, I don’t want to hear from you ever again.’

She got up from her seat and picked up her handbag to leave.

‘Shaina,’ I said, ‘at all the times I said to you that I loved you, I had been truer than I had ever been in my entire life.’

‘I’m really sorry,’ she said and left, running out of the door of the cafe, on to the street and into an autorickshaw. I thought I saw her crying.

I kept sitting in the cafe and waited for Diya. I felt stupid. I was twenty and I was crying my heart out for a girl when most guys looked for an easy lay, someone good in bed, someone
easy
to bed.

Diya and I sat there and she said everything that could have made me feel better, but nothing worked.

‘There is no point in this, Benoy,’ Diya said. ‘I wish I could do something for you. You will find many nice girls, Benoy. Just—’

‘I am not looking for anyone else. And I don’t care about what she said or what she did, I still love her. I will be okay, Diya.’

‘I don’t know what to say. But I think my sister missed out on the
best
guy ever. I can’t believe I couldn’t help you out,’ she said apologetically.

‘Don’t be hard on yourself,’ I said and she hugged me.

I dropped her home, and after half an hour of absentminded driving, I reached Dad’s office. The entire office was empty and the only lights on were in his cabin at the corner of the floor. It was Saturday night after all. He had nowhere to go to and neither did I.

‘Still working?’ I said as I got inside. ‘Hmm. The whole office is empty.’

‘Oh, not really!’ he said and flipped the laptop down.

‘I have nothing to do. Everyone out there has someone to go back home to. This is home for me,’ he said. ‘So, what happened today?’

‘Shaina made it very clear that she wanted to be with him. And she doesn’t want to be around me.’

‘And what did you say?’

‘I had nothing to say! What could I have? I literally had to beg her to talk to me. As much as I love her, it was really, you know, humiliating.’

‘Benoy? Did your mom ever tell you how I got her?’

‘We never really talked about the two of you,’ I said.

‘Hmm. I guessed that,’ he said and started to narrate. ‘I saw her at the community Durga Puja. My grandparents approached your mother’s parents with the proposal and they rejected it outright. I was into business and no one appreciated that. Everyone wanted an engineer or a government servant.

‘I wasn’t even a graduate while your mother was already teaching in a college. I started stalking your mom and she even complained to my parents but I was obstinate. I really wanted her. Slowly, my business grew and her parents relented. But even before they agreed, I knew she was in love with me.’

‘That’s quite a story,’ I said.

‘But, it didn’t work out as I wanted it to. Work had become such an obsession for me. I worked day and night even after I married your mom. I thought I was doing all this for the two of you,’ he said and added after a pregnant pause, ‘but I was just doing it for myself.’

‘Mom told me that.’

‘I have rued everything that I have ever done since. Except your mother’s fading days. I tried convincing her to let me talk to you, but she never agreed. She never wanted me near you. She said I had made you cry enough already.’

‘I don’t remember,’ I said.

‘You were small then, and you never used to see me for months on end. I was like a total stranger to you. You used to be fonder of Deb’s dad than me,’ he said. ‘Anyway, what do you know about this guy Manoj? I am not too convinced about him!’

‘As in? I know nothing about him,’ I said. ‘What do you plan to do? Please don’t screw it up more than it already is!’

‘Give me a few days, I will find out everything there is to know about him—where he works, his vices, loans, anything. Let’s have him followed for a few days and find something wrong about him. We make conditions so bad for him that he breaks up with her. Whatever works,’ Dad said.

‘You’re scaring me now. How often have you done this?’

‘Not very often.’ He laughed. He looked wicked with his salt-and-pepper slick hair, his black suit and tie, the British accent and that evil grin on his face.

‘I don’t think we should do it. She told me that she loves him. Why deprive her of that?’

‘What if that guy is not good? There is no harm in getting to know him better. Okay, Benoy, we will do nothing, just pull some information about him and see what comes out,’ he assured me. ‘If you love Shaina that much, don’t you want to know about the guy she will spend her life with?’

It seemed like he already knew that something was wrong with her guy. Then, I thought,
What the hell, let me go through with this
. I crossed my fingers and wished Manoj had a murky history. Old beaten girlfriends, drug abuse, sex offences, anything!

Dad and I went to dinner that night. It was nice, actually. We talked about Mom, and about the times that we were
a family. Despite his screw-ups on the family front, he was pretty darn awesome. He had amazing stories to tell and I could see why Mom fell for him. He was charming and suddenly I missed him for not being around all these years. It would have been nice to have a cool dad.

Maybe I would have been a better guy had my dad been around.

‘I loved your mom,’ he said. ‘I would change everything if I had to live my life again. I would give up everything to be with you and your mother. That is all that matters to me. And now, you are all that matters to me.’

I choked on my tears but I just smiled. It is great to have a family. I felt sorry for my dad that he could no longer tell my mother that he loved her. He still missed her. I missed her, too.

I slept soundly that night.

I wished Manoj was a serial killer. A sex offender would work fine too.

‘Incredible!’ Eshaan said.

He looked around with his mouth wide open enough for an elephant to pass through; Diya clutched at his hand. Eshaan had asked Diya out, but she had promptly turned him down, telling him that she needed to get to LSE first, relationships could come later; they were good friends though.

‘I said the same thing when I saw this place for the first time,’ I said, referring to Dad’s house.

I had shifted there. Over the last few weeks, Dad’s driver would pick up and drop me home. Slowly, I began staying at Dad’s place for a few nights in a row because we worked late. It had started being fun so I had decided to move in with Dad. It was an incredible house after all! At the last count, the mansion had five floors, uncountable bedrooms, a dozen conference rooms, two mini theatres and five gaming consoles. It seemed like he was planning to lure me into his house. And it worked.

I had started to find peace in his company. He used to talk about all the things he had done and achieved in the course of his life, and all the places he had been to, all the people he had met with … it was all quite inspiring. The past few days brought me closer to Dad. I felt a connection. He was always there when I needed someone, he listened to me when I complained, and he never judged me. I had genuinely started liking him.

‘So are you going to live here?’ Diya asked.

‘I think so.’

‘But why?’ Eshaan said, ‘I thought you always liked to live alone.’

‘Not any more it seems.’

‘It seems so long since we have sat and talked,’ Diya said as Eshaan went ahead and explored the house more.

‘I know.’

‘Have you been avoiding me?’

‘No, Diya! Why would I avoid you?’

‘Maybe, I remind you of her.’

‘You do. But you also remind me of college and our shitty professors. And, really, I do not mind even if you do remind me of her. I only smile when I think of her.’

‘You know how cheesy you sound when you say these things, right? If you were saying this for someone else other than my sister, I am sure I would have puked,’ she jested.

‘I can’t help it, Diya. Even if she is not with me, I feel her around. And that’s what keeps me happy.’

‘I really had never thought that I would see someone
so
much in love. I used to hear stories like this, but I never
thought it would happen so close to me. And I feel so sorry to have misjudged you. You have no idea how bad I feel,’ she said.

‘I have told you before and I am telling you now. Stop blaming yourself,’ I scolded her.

‘I am so angry at my sister! I don’t know why she just doesn’t stand up to Dad and say she loves you!’ she said, exasperated. ‘Manoj isn’t half as good as you are. He doesn’t even know how to talk. He sits amongst us and stays shut. I don’t know what my sister sees in him!’

‘I am sure he keeps her happy,’ I said.

‘I have just seen her cry. He doesn’t even let her meet her friends. It’s so frustrating.’

‘That’s expected. She cheated on him; it’s okay to be a little possessive,’ I said.

‘A little? He doesn’t even let her meet her female friends! A few days back, she had put up a picture of hers in a skirt and he called her a
prostitute
! Imagine that! Who does that? They are not even engaged yet.’

‘Did she tell you that? He actually called her that?’ I asked.

‘I read their messages,’ she said. ‘He apologized, but he made her delete all the pictures! And blocked every guy friend of hers.’

‘Is he a caveman?’ If I were dating Shaina, I would have wanted to show off to the world that I was dating the cutest girl ever. Why would I ever
block
people?

‘So what does Shaina say about this?’ I asked and she shook her head. ‘But why? Today he’s blocking people, tomorrow he will be hitting her.’

‘She’s a little too deep into this. I don’t think she has the strength to fight Dad any more. And the day she came back after meeting you, she cried the entire night,’ she said. ‘I am so worried about her.’

Eshaan came back all excited, and narrated an inventory of items the house had, most of which I had no idea about.

‘You can shift in with me,’ I offered Eshaan.

‘Are you crazy? I would never leave this house!’ he shot back.

Manoj had proved to be squeaky clean as per my dad, but then these were things that could not be verified. If Shaina chose to be with someone who was crazy possessive about her, then who was I to stop her?

I was just glad that college was reopening the next day and I hoped Diya would put me on an unrelenting schedule of studies and assignments and fuck-boring classes. I looked forward to the busy life. And hoped it would cure me a little. However, I had figured that would never happen.

I had lost all hope.