You Were My Crush: Till You Said You Love Me! (6 page)

Diya and I spent the next week studying and fine-tuning the presentation, ironing out the chinks and revising the course over and over again.

I had not stopped stalking Shaina’s profile, her blogs and her sketches (there were many!); if there was any trace of her on the Internet, I got to it and devoured it. Her poems were mostly distressing, in a silver-lining sort of a way—a dying girl meeting God, a hurt puppy getting wings and other weird magical stuff—and her sketches were either of beautiful girls crying or sitting on the edges of cliffs or they were dressed up in finery, holding wine glasses in hand; it was confusing and intriguing, and I couldn’t make out if she was a depressed alcoholic or a pretentious prick.

Diya and I gave the presentation, and it went beyond our expectations. Well, she was
horrible
when she started—she sweated, rubbed her palms together, faltered and forgot
everything. Diya totally blanked out again and the professor just made it worse by raining down a flurry of questions on her.

‘What was in that slide again?

‘You have written this here, but earlier you said that …?

‘Can you explain this slide?’

She had looked at me when she was all lost. I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back at me. I think that gave her confidence because little by little, all her nervousness evaporated, and she kicked some serious ass out there. The professor, surprised and defeated, turned to me and started asking me questions.

‘So, Benoy, now you tell me …’

Only God could have bettered my performance.

The professor accepted that when he announced the grades and said that we had far surpassed his expectations.
Fuck him.

I was glad it was
over
.

‘Happy?’ I asked when I left the class. She had been freaking out all day, like only girls can, as if tension-inducing hormones are girl-specific.

‘You have no idea how much, Benoy! I had been so tense. You did so good!’ she said and hugged me again. She could not stop smiling.

‘Yeah, I have to admit. I was kind of awesome.’

‘You’re so full of yourself!’

‘But you kicked ass, too, Diya,’ I said and smiled at her.

She was ecstatic. I was happy because she was so happy. It really meant a lot to her. I was glad I had been a part of it.

‘We should go out and celebrate,’ she said.

‘Kamla Nagar?’ I asked.

‘Only if you’re paying,’ she said. ‘I mean I shouldn’t have to tell you this. It’s been days since we had food on our table at home. I’m starving. I think I have goitre and beriberi. I am, like, the poster girl for malnutrition.’

‘Shut up! You’re not THAT poor,’ I said.

‘You never know,’ she said and we laughed. She couldn’t stop making fun of the economic chasm between her and me. We went to the closest coffee shop and I couldn’t get her to stop talking. She didn’t let me pay so we split the bill.

‘So you’re saying your parents will get you married as soon as you graduate?’ I asked. ‘But who’s going to marry you? Won’t people notice the bag you’re carrying?’

‘He he. Benoy, I know you think you’re funny, but you’re not,’ she mocked. Then added, ‘They will not get me married if I, like, get through to London School of Economics on a full scholarship for my master’s.’

‘LSE? You will go to London? I’m not sure if they would let those spectacles inside their country,’ I responded.

‘Fine. I just hope I get the scholarship. They just choose two out of thousands of applicants. I wish I could sell a kidney and scrounge up the money,’ she said, despondent.

‘But are you serious about the marriage thing?’ I asked.

‘Dead serious. You have no idea how conservative my dad is. He would get me off his back like this,’ she answered and snapped her fingers. ‘It’s so unfair. Benoy, I have not dropped out of the top five in any grade. In ANY grade, and I didn’t study hard all these years to be a housewife at twenty-one. It’s just not fair.’

I nodded, not knowing what to say.

‘Best of luck,’ I said. A little later, we left the coffee shop and walked to my car.

‘Diya,’ I said, as we huddled inside the car. ‘There is something I wanted to give you.’

‘
Me?
What?’ she asked.

‘Aw! Benoy, you didn’t have to do this,’ she said, as I gave her the bag I had bought for her. ‘This is too small for carrying the heads of the little children I kill every day!’

‘Can you stop being disgusting for a minute?’ I grumbled.

‘But I do not need this. You need this. You don’t have a bag.’

‘I don’t have a bag because I don’t need one! I don’t want my best friend to look like the Hunchback of Notredame with that bag,’ I said.

‘Don’t push it. I am NOT your best friend,’ she retorted. Seeing me make a puppy face, she cupped it in her hands and said, ‘You’re, like, my only friend!’

‘That’s better!’

‘You are sweet, Benoy.’

‘Thank you. You aren’t bad either,’ I said.

We smiled and though she was happy, I could not ask about Shaina, something I thought I would. I thought she would pick up the conversation because I had liked
every
picture in which she was with her sister, but she did not mention anything.

‘Where the hell are you?’ Deb asked.

‘I was in college. Why?’ I said.

‘College? Just when I need you, you are in college? Come home, I am outside. And why college, man? Is everything all right?’

I wanted to tell him that I enjoyed attending classes with Diya, but I couldn’t mouth the words; I couldn’t even believe the words.

‘Why? What’s the problem?’ I asked because I had never seen Deb so flustered.

‘I need to do something special for Avantika and I thought I would decorate your house and get her here. What say?’

‘Deb? Haven’t you already done that before, like, a million times?’

‘But that’s all I can think of. I have done almost everything else. I don’t know what else to do, Benoy.’

‘But it’s not her birthday, right?’

‘Will you just stop attending your stupid classes and come home?’ he asked.

I excused myself and hurried back home; Diya told me she would photocopy the notes for me.

‘What’s the matter? Why the big surprise?’ I asked as I let him in and he sat on the couch, his head in his palms.

‘I am tired of the cat-and-mouse game, Benoy. The pursuit and everything have lost their charm and I want to get it over with.’

‘Get it over with?’

‘Yes, Benoy, get
engaged
!’ he said. ‘Do you even have any idea when was the last time I made out?’

‘Umm … a year ago? Is that why you want to get married? That’s the stupidest reason ever!’

‘Well, not really, but that could have been playing in my subconscious, now that I think. Anyway, I really need her, man. The break-up is killing me now. She used to be everything to me. She was the person whom I could fall back on. Now it just sucks. Don’t you wish for someone like that in your life?’

‘I already have that someone in my life.
More
than one.’

‘Benoy, I am really not interested in listening about your flings right now,’ he said. I was talking about Diya and Eshaan, and I would never make out with either of the two!

‘Whatever,’ I said.

‘Anyway, I will do it with a big diamond ring, and I will get it soon,’ he said.

‘Umm, okay. I am not sure if it’s a good idea,’ I murmured.

‘What? You think I shouldn’t do it?’

‘No,’ I said. He looked at me and wanted me to explain my apprehension. ‘Look, Deb, you have cheated on her.
Twice
. That’s not by accident. You’re an asshole.’

‘So? I won’t do it ever again, Benoy. I love her,’ he protested. ‘And there is no one else I could ever get married to. You know that! I love her too much.’

‘It hasn’t even been a year since you two have been apart. Give it time, maybe you will get over her. It’s not the first time you’re breaking up with someone!’

‘I don’t want to get over her,’ he complained.

‘I know, Dada, and, well, I like Avantika, but you know you shouldn’t get into something like marriage without being sure,’ I argued.

I was never against relationships, but I had seen Mom in a loveless marriage.

‘Benoy, I know why you’re saying this, but not every marriage breaks down,’ he continued.

‘I read somewhere,
All weddings end in either divorce or death. Nothing good can come out of it
, Deb!’ I coaxed. ‘Plus, if you get married, I will lose a brother. I can’t have that! You’re the only family I have, man.’

‘C’mon, Benoy. I will always have time for you. You just have to call and I will be here.’

‘Oh, fuck off. Either you’re busy in your business or busy wagging your tail around Avantika. I’m not even sure she likes you any more,’ I ranted.

‘Of course she likes me!’ he scoffed.

‘Do whatever you want to do! Why did you even ask me?’ I barked.

‘Because you’re the only one who understands. Dad
can’t care less, and Mom wants me to marry a Bengali girl,’ he reasoned.

‘I am on your mom’s side,’ I said. ‘And you’re so young, Deb. Like, you’re twenty-one!’

‘I’m twenty-five,’ he countered.

‘You look twenty-one!’ I exclaimed.

‘I just want to know you’re with me on this one,’ he said.

‘Fine, whatever. Don’t run after me when she refuses and tells you that she has a boyfriend far better looking than you.’

He laughed.

With Deb engaged, I would need a girlfriend at least. He left my place after an hour. Nothing I said could change his decision. He was going to do it, much to my disappointment.

Once he left, I switched on the laptop. Shaina had posted three new poems on her blog. I couldn’t understand one of them. I suspected the leaking boat in the poem was a metaphor for life, but I wasn’t sure. The other two poems were just twenty lines long, and I cursed when I finished reading them in a few short minutes; her sentences always had a tinge of tragedy sprinkled in them—honest and beautiful. Like her.

And I had not even met her.

Over the last few weeks, there had been two people who had been extremely happy. One was Eshaan. The other one was, well, me! Eshaan saw me in college every day and now he could go a little easy on project ‘
Help Benoy
’.

Diya and I were growing close. Diya was fun and bitchy and really mean when she wanted to. The
look-at-her-boyfriend
type. I had slowly dragged Diya from her traditional sit-on-the-first-bench-and-write-everything approach to listen-to-only-those-professors-who-matter approach.

The best part about her was that she smiled and laughed at whatever I used to say. She made me feel that I was the funniest guy in the whole world. It was a great ego boost. I liked spending time with her; she was insanely funny, and she laughed at all my jokes (that was new!). After a long time, I had found someone like that, like a breath of fresh air.

‘This is so boring,’ I whispered in her ear.

‘Shut up,’ she said, as she jotted down something that the professor said.

‘HEY!’ the old professor shouted and looked at us. He warned us to stop talking or he would throw us out of the class. I wished that he would, and the next time he caught us, he did.

‘I told you to SHUT UP!’ she said angrily.

‘I did! It was you who was talking. You asked me to shut up and that’s when he caught us.’

‘But I had to ask you to! You just keep on talking like you have something important to say but all you say is bullshit,’ she said, as she angrily walked towards the parking lot. I was laughing and that was pissing her off.

We instinctively went to the coffee shop we used to go to. Her anger fizzled out in a while. We figured we could not remain angry at each other for long. We were back to our usual conversations, and she began to analyse me like a certified psychiatry practitioner, something she loved to do.

‘But how can you make out with someone you barely know, Benoy? That’s disgusting,’ she snapped.

I had told her about my friends, all of whom were rich and slept around. My school life was pretty happening. I had a serious girlfriend, but all my other guy friends were good-looking and popular, and they led scandalous and colourful sex lives. In fact, the school basement was out of bounds during our last year in school because our headmistress had caught two of my friends having sex
with their girlfriends in the music room in the basement, together. It was a huge scandal!

Diya refused to believe I wasn’t one of them.

They did this to ensure privacy!

‘It’s their personal choice,’ I said. ‘It’s their lives. Let them do what they want to. It’s not as if they are doing it in your bedroom.’

‘Don’t lie! I am sure you did it too. Serious relationship, my foot! You seem just the kind of guy who would do such a thing,’ she accused.

‘Why don’t you believe me!’ I said and refreshed the browser on my phone. Shaina hadn’t uploaded anything new.

It was very important for me to drive it into Diya’s head that I was not as bad as she thought I was, that I was not a flirt, and that I didn’t sleep around. It was bad enough that I was stalking her sister on Facebook. Tired of trying to convince her that I was the good guy, I steered the conversation away from me.

‘Why do we always talk about my relationships? Why not yours?’

‘Mine? Be serious, Benoy. Who would date me? I am every guy’s worst nightmare. And plus, my parents would have killed me had they known.’

‘Oh c’mon. You haven’t dated anybody?’ I asked.

‘Umm … I have … one. Two, really. It’s pretty daring of me to do so. I felt like Lady James Bond, and I had to be all sneaky when I used to meet them. I don’t date now. I don’t want to break their trust in me. I was young and foolish.’

‘Aha! This is interesting,’ I said. ‘So tell me
everything
about the guys!’

Her first relationship was in school when she was in tenth standard and they were together for two years. After school, he went off to do his engineering from somewhere outside Delhi. And as it happens, differences crept it. Different schedules, different timetables, new friends and new insecurities. Not to forget, expensive STD calling too!

‘Long-distance relationships don’t work,’ she sighed.

‘I know. My ex-girlfriend went to Australia after school,’ I said. ‘We used to Skype or use video chat on Yahoo! for a few days. But, it didn’t work out!’

‘We used to Skype, too!’ she exclaimed.

‘Aha! And do
what
on Skype?’

‘Shut up!’ she said and looked away, smiling. It was hard for me to imagine Diya acting naughty on the webcam. It’s like imagining kittens having sex. There’s nothing sexy about it, and it’s totally wrong. The only things I thought she would sleep with would be books, notes and exam answer sheets. If anything, maybe a picture of a professor.

Her second relationship was more of a fling, even though she never admitted it. It lasted just a month. The guy was in Hans Raj and thought Diya would be an easy lay.
But Diya? An easy lay?
Well, whatever.

‘So, it was really a fling!’ I said. ‘I can’t believe you fell for the guy. You are too intelligent for that shit.’

‘I’m a girl too. And the smartest of girls get their hearts broken by the dumbest of guys,’ she snapped.

‘Yeah, behind those spectacles, I really can’t see anything.’

‘Whatever you might say, it wasn’t a fling. Now, shut up,’ she said.

‘So? Who was better in bed?’ I asked.

‘You cannot ask me that. And I asked you to shut up!’ she said.

‘I can,’ I said. ‘You said that day I can talk to you about anything.’

‘I meant about
you
, not about
me
. And this conversation is over. You can’t ask girls that question. This is the reason why you’re single, Benoy.’

‘I’m single because I choose to be single. You know I won’t let this go. You got to tell me.’

‘Okay, fine, it was the second one,’ she said.

‘The one you had a fling with? You dirty girl! Did you get in a leather dress and whip him too?’

‘It was not a fling, Benoy! And leather is too expensive. I’m the rich dad’s son after all,’ she snapped.

‘Okay, whatever. So you had a better time making out with the one you were in love with just for a month,’ I said, just to drive it home.

I pressured her to tell me more, but I got the feeling she might kill me and stuff my head in that old bag of hers, so I backed off.

But? Still? Diya? In bed?

‘You look positively shocked, Benoy. You thought there wouldn’t be a guy who would want to make out with me?’

‘Are you crazy?’ I said. ‘No! You are very pretty. Any guy would like to make out with you. I don’t know
how
that’s a soothing thing to say, but no, you are nice.’

‘You don’t have to lie now. You think I’m odd, don’t you?’

‘I like odd,’ I corrected.

She was not bad looking. Diya was even cute, but I was never attracted to her like that. And when I told her she was cute, she blushed like a schoolgirl.

‘But, Benoy, you must have had flings, right? You don’t have to lie to me. I will not judge you.’

‘I am not like that. Why do you keep saying so?’ I asked.

‘Benoy, you are okay looking in spite of your stupid shoes and the big cars. You look like you must be dating many girls at one time. Girls like Palak—they must be falling all over you.’

‘Hmm,’ I said, not wanting to clarify. I was pissed off even though this was not the first time. Deb, Avantika and now even Diya made me feel that the only reason a girl would ever date me was that I was rich and connected.

Diya was the last person whom I wanted to think that. I had been obsessing about her sister. Her poems were becoming darker, and there were more sketches of women and girls crying and staring at the setting sun, which I now knew from her poems was a metaphor for oblivion. The silver linings were getting thinner; I was concerned.

So finally, I decided to pick up the conversation. Diya had uploaded a few pictures of herself with Shaina and I had liked them.

‘By the way, the new pictures, I like them,’ I said.

‘Hmm. I saw you liked them. Thank you! You should spend less time on Facebook.’

She had missed the point
again
! How could she miss it again? In all other matters, she was all brainy, but why miss this! It was frustrating.

Anyway, we were drinking our coffee, when I was patted on my back. It was Eshaan and his scrawny thin
girlfriend
, Sonil. I wanted to throw up on her.

‘Not in class?’ Eshaan said.

‘Obviously not,’ I said.

‘Hi, Diya,’ Eshaan said and looked at Diya.

And I looked at Sonil and smiled. She was unmoved.
Bitch
.

‘Why don’t you join us?’ I asked, even though I did not want that scrawny, painfully thin, tall bitch anywhere near me. She was taller than Eshaan and not cute at all. Eshaan deserved someone cuter, someone more like him. Someone like Diya! They were perfect!

Eshaan and Sonil sat down and they ordered for themselves. Sonil and I repelled each other like similar poles of a magnet.

‘So, why here?’ Eshaan asked.

‘He got us kicked out,’ Diya said.

‘Ohh. Eshaan has got kicked out because of him a lot of times too, though it gives us a lot of time to date,’ Sonil said. I am sure she meant it as a joke. Ha ha.
Nobody found it funny, bitch
.
Moral victory, yeah!

‘So, Sonil, what do you do?’ Diya asked her.

‘Maths Honours. I plan to take the IAS exam after this.’

‘That’s great. Lots of money, I have heard,’ I said.

‘It’s not the money. It’s the respect that matters,’ she said
and looked at me as if she had been starving for months and I was a juicy burger.

‘Yeah, but there is a lot of money too.’

‘For your information, it’s a government job and no government job pays well.’

‘But there are other sources of income!’ I said, purely meant to poke fun and nothing else.

‘You think every administration person is corrupt? No. It’s because of you businessmen who try to buy our honesty, dangling your stolen income in front of us, that we stray,’ she grumbled.

‘Firstly, I am not a businessman! And everyone knows why people become IAS officers. No one respects IAS officers. They respect the money they have,’ I said, and now I wanted to scratch her face open.

‘It’s narrow-minded people like you who bring the country down. Buying professors, buying government servants.’

‘So then ask them not to get sold! If I can buy it, I will. It is up to
you
whether you get sold or not,’ I said and she frowned.

‘Whatever,’ she responded. ‘You’re from the filthy breed of rich people who think they can buy anything and anyone.’

‘Okay, fine, I am like that. Let’s not get into this any further,’ I said.

‘Yes, let’s not,’ Eshaan said. All this while, Eshaan and Diya were just watching us bash each other.

‘Why not, Eshaan? I do not know
how
you are friends
with someone like
him
! He only uses you. Attendance, talking to professors, assignments … that’s all he needs you for. Can’t you see that? Why would he ever be friends with
you
? Has he ever done anything for you?’

‘Umm. He drops me home sometimes,’ he stuttered.

‘At least I don’t try and control him,’ I said.

‘I do it because it’s for his own good. So that he doesn’t waste his life on friends who don’t give a shit about him. To keep him away from suckers like you,’ she bawled.

‘I think you should go,’ Diya interrupted and looked at Sonil and handed over her bag.

‘And you, Diya—’

‘You should go,’ Diya said, ‘
or it will not be pretty
.’

‘Fine,’ she said, grabbed her bag and Eshaan, and got up. ‘But listen, guys like him are parasites and you will know that soon.
Humphhf
.’

She walked off, leaving us in an awkward silence.

‘Such a bitch!’ Diya said after a while.

‘I know,’ I said. ‘But you were good! Especially with that dialogue—
or it will not be pretty
! It was awesome. But just curious, what would you have done? Catfight? Eh? Tear each other’s clothes off?’ I joked.

‘I don’t know. I just get a little possessive about people close to me,’ she said and smiled at me.

A little possessive? Little?
In those moments of
it-will-not-be-pretty
, it seemed like she would drive a fork through Sonil’s eyes. I thought it would be best to delay the question, ‘
Hey, is that your sister in your pictures?
’

‘Anyway, you didn’t tell me, did you give that second guy
a blow job? Tell me now or I will tell your parents that their daughter goes about giving blow jobs to men!’

‘Fuck off.’

Eshaan called me later that day to apologize.

‘I am very sorry about Sonil today,’ he said.

‘It’s okay, Eshaan. I know she doesn’t like me, no big deal. But why don’t you dump her! She is such a bitch. Why can’t you see that? She treats you like her puppy, man.’

‘C’mon, I am lucky that she is dating me,’ he said and he was adorable when he did that. ‘I am not
you
, Benoy.’

Argh! Not again.

‘Any girl would love to have you. You are cute!’

‘You think so?’ he asked innocently.

Eshaan was the perfect guy to date. He looked cute, was sincere, considerate and caring. Just the guy a girl would like to tell her friends about. Or even her mom, for that matter.

‘Yes, I think so. Why don’t you dump her and date someone who really deserves you. Like … umm … say
Diya
?’ I said.

‘Diya? I thought you were kind of—’

‘NO! We are just friends. C’mon! You know me better than that,’ I clarified. He fell silent. Eshaan was like an open book. It was child’s play to guess what he was thinking.

‘Do you like her?’ I asked.

‘Not really,’ he said. ‘She is nice … but no. Maybe. She
is
cute.’

‘Fine, fine,’ I said. ‘You can figure that out later, but please break up with that girl. And for heavens’ sake, do it soon!’